I have basically given up hope of ever really learning the Korean Language. I continue to dabble, but the idea of mastering it, the way that I did Spanish, seems beyond my potential. It’s too hard, I’m too old or too stupid or too lazy or too undisciplined. It’s not happening. It’s not going to happen.
This is tragic, in its small, private, personal way – but not just because losing hope in some big, important life goal is tragic – it’s also tragic because, beyond other things, my main reason for living and working in Korea was because of wanting to learn the language. With that goal fading into ephemerality, there is nothing keeping me here, and so the pain points and annoyances of life here become more intense and noticeable. I become dissatisfied with my job, I become annoyed with the many small cultural quirks that I used to tolerate in the name of accommodating a foreign country that I loved and was deeply interested in.
I’m hating my job. This is … not sustainable. And it’s not really about the job having gotten worse – yes, it’s gotten harder, lately, the teaching load has increased, the students’ parents have been more assholic than usual. But that’s not it, is it? It’s because in the past, my reason for putting up with the stuff I didn’t like about my job was part-and-parcel of wanting to stay in Korea. It was part of having a purpose, here. I feel like I’m losing that purpose, rapidly. I have 8 months on my contract. I will stick it out. But I need to figure out what’s next in my life, I guess. I’m pretty unhappy – I’ve lost my equanimity and perspective. So I just have one bad day after the next, in neverending succession.
This is a scream of despair and frustration, in blog format.
My family doesn’t approve of my being here, anyway – or at best, they view it with a sort of befuddled and unsympathetic neutrality. My interest in travel and exotica has waned over the years, and my Buddhist practice is utterly lapsed. So most of the secondary reasons for staying here are also falling by the wayside.
Pues… respecto la imagen a la derecha: y, ¿si acaso he perdido el sueño? Me rindo.
