Caveat: Ummm

I will be completely "offline" for the next 11 days.  I'm going on a meditation retreat.

No, I haven't become a buddhist.  Or anything like that.  And, actually, I've felt somewhat embarrassed telling some of the people who know me that I'm doing this, but in fact it's something I've wanted to do, and have been planning, on and off, for not just years, but decades.   I guess I feel embarrassed because it doesn't really match the cynical, anti-spiritual persona I present of myself.  Well, anyway…

I will be off the internet, off cellphones, not even taking reading material, for this next week and a half.  If I come out a weird cultist, I'm counting on everyone to do some kind of "intervention" quickly.  But as my friend Bob said, earlier today,  I came out still myself from the Army, and lots of other crazy things… no reason why this should affect me any differently, right?

"I will always retain my inner core of pure cynicism," I retorted.  But it's been shading toward a weird, optimistic sort of cynicism for some years now, I would add.   The positive-thinking cynic?

Caveat: Michelle’s Ghost

I stopped and had dinner with my friend Basil last night, in Morgantown, where he’s enrolled in a graduate program in TESOL. It was weird seeing someone from my “life in Korea” while driving around the US, but he’s a very cool guy and in some ways he was my best friend during my time in Korea.

Today, I stopped in Quakertown. It was snowing hard, and eastern Pennsylvania is very beautiful. But there are personal ghosts of a difficult past, resident in the names of highways and towns, in the vistas of rivers and in the office parks alongside freeways. I’m trying to make peace with some of these ghosts, and the ghost of ghosts is Michelle’s ghost. I went to the house where she took her own life, in June of 2000. I wasn’t there — we were already separated, although divorce wasn’t something we were talking about seriously, at that point.  But we’d been talking on the phone about once a week, all that spring and early summer. So I knew “where she was at” and I knew things weren’t going well.  When I got the call from her mom that she had died, I had already bought the airplane ticket to Philadelphia — I had intuited something terrible was happening, perhaps.

I flew out, and it was chaotic, nightmarish. I spent long hours in that house in Quakertown, where I’d never actually lived, since she and Jeffrey had moved in there after I’d gone to Los Angeles to stay with my father. All my “stuff” was there, along with hers.  I had to sort it all out, without offending the debt-lawyers who wanted to liquidate assets.

So, today I visited that house in Quakertown. I sometimes have had a strong feeling that Michelle’s ghost is following me around in the world. But other times, I’ve thought that if she has a ghost, it’s more likely tied down at that house. Stranded.

I parked my truck and got out and walked around. I talked to Michelle’s ghost, telling her that I wanted to come visit, to tell her how Jeffrey was doing, what I’d been doing.  I opened the passenger door to my truck, and I invited her to join me in my travels. I don’t know that she came along. I don’t know that she was there. I’m not really a believer in ghosts, but I do believe in powerful psychological symbolisms. I guess.

Here is a picture of the house in Quakertown.

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Caveat: Kafka Teaching at Hagwon

I woke from a vivid, angry dream. Was it from all that exertion, yesterday, moving my stuff? Is it because I’m stressing over the fact that I haven’t heard back from Curt about the job?  Not sure…

I dreamed that I was starting my teaching at some new hagwon. In the dream, it’s Curt’s, but it doesn’t look like Curt’s (which I’ve visited and know very well what it looks like). The place is VERY disorganized, and resembles a theme-park more than an Ilsan hagwon. On my first day, they hand me only a class schedule, not even any books. I’m late to my first class, because I don’t hear any bell. And all the classes after that are in a row, with no breaks, and I can’t find them. I walk into random classrooms, and ask, “is this…?” to find out if it’s the correct class.

The kids are recalcitrant, and then they begin to lie. They answer “No” when it should be “yes” to my question. And then, I lose the piece of paper with the schedule I’d been given. I go back to the staff office, and no one there is willing to admit they work there. No one will give me a new schedule. There’s some guy cleaning the floors, but when I start to talk to him, he runs away.

I’m climbing ladders and going down seemingly hidden passages to find classrooms, only to find they’re empty, or already with another teacher.  One teacher asks me, “why are you teaching here?” There’s a group of kids sitting in what looks like a sidewalk cafe, but they’re clearly supposed to be in class. I begin to yell at them, and they just laugh. I go back to the office to try to find out what class they are — are they mine? By the time I get back to the sidewalk cafe, they’re all gone.

Very strange dream. Shows a lot of anxiety over the teaching thing, huh?

I woke to find snow on the ground, outside. After yesterday’s efforts, I’m majorly unmotivated. Snow is beautiful, but inconvenient to run errands in.

Here’s the truck, in Mark & Amy’s driveway, covered with a dusting of fresh snow:

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Caveat: Xelaju en la 35W

¿Cómo puede ser que, parado en tránsito en la 35W en Minneapolis, me puse a meditar sobre mi tiempo en Xelaju?  Xelaju es el nombre en el habla de los maya por la ciudad de Quetzaltenango, Guatemala.  Pasé un par de meses ahí, estudiando, en 1989.   Pero encontrar el nombre Xelaju fuera de aquella ciudad es algo raro.

En la carretera 35W había un taxi con nombre de ´Transportes Xelaju´.  Algún inmigrante guatemalteco, sin duda.  Pero era un momento de nostalgia.

Caveat: 깊고 간절한 마음은 닿지 못하는 곳이 잆다네

“A deep and sincere heart has no unreachable place.” I had bought a small textile wall hanging with the Korean phrase on it, at a “temple shop” near a Buddhist temple in Seoul. I had that one, and several others. I presented this one to my friends Peggy and Latif who live in my former home in Arcata. They are generous and kind, and the saying suits them very well.
Here is the “A Street House,” where I lived my first 18 years (with a few short periods away from it, in Eureka, Oklahoma City, summers in Washington or Idaho or Boston, etc.):
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This is the same house, from a slightly different angle, in 1965 (with my dad’s Model A Ford parked in front):
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Here is the back yard, looking from the Kitchen window.  That’s the “pump house” that functions as a kind of detached, outdoor bedroom.  It was my bedroom during my high school years:
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This is the same old pumphouse, in 1967:
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This is Peggy’s smiling buddha, under the cherry tree that was just a tiny sapling when I was a kid.
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Caveat: Return to Ragged Point

pictureSome who know me really well know that Ragged Point, California, holds a special place in my personal biography / cosmology.
Ragged Point was the place where, in November, 1998, I reached my lowest point. And where I then took a decision to take an ethical responsibility for my own life and my own being, once and for all. It was a sort of atheist epiphany, where I realized I truly was alone in the universe, but that that wasn’t as bad as it seemed like. “Born-again atheist”? Sounds funny. But it hoves close to the truth.
It’s where I got the name “raggedsign” from, that you see applied to my online identity here and there.  The sign at Ragged Point… is deeply significant – like Saul, on the road to Damascus: but for this Saul, all there was to be seen was my own soul, laid bare.
It’s not always been smooth road, since then. I’ve not always done perfectly with the goal I set for myself that night. The first months and years after were exceptionally difficult, and Michelle’s suicide in 2000 was another low that felt like an inversion, in so many ways, of Ragged Point.
Anyway, part of my traveling, in general, is about seeing new places. But part of it is also about revisiting, paying a sort of homage to, old places.  Important places. Re-integrating all the disparate places that patchwork together to form the narrative of my immanent selfhood.
This current trip back from Korea, all this driving around, has been especially like that. It’s almost only that.
So today, I’m returning to Ragged Point. It’s up the road a ways from San Simeon, on the central California coast. I’ll probably sit and gaze at the ocean for a long time.
Later, I’m having lunch with Wendy, my stepmother (well, ex-stepmother, technically, but still a very important person in my life and one of my most important role-models, growing up). She lives in San Luis Obispo, currently.
Overnight, up to tomorrow, I’m driving to Roseburg, Oregon. My aunt Freda passed away while I was in Alaska, and I’ve decided to go to her memorial service, there.  It will give me a chance to see relatives I haven’t seen much of. And I’ll be re-integrating the length of California, along the way.
I took the picture below right at the county line between San Luis Obispo and Monterey counties, a few miles north of Ragged Point on Highway 1. The ocean that you can see is at least 500 feet straight down that cliff under the tree.
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Caveat: redemption through a heroic deed

Sometimes my dreams have titles. (Sometimes they have commercial breaks, too, but that’s not what I’m going to discuss here. Obviously, I’ve watched too much television in my life.) A dream’s title will come to me in the form of a voice-over, or, more rarely, an “on-screen,” written title.
This morning’s dream had the on-screen title of “redentus heroica.” Seriously. I think it’s Latin. Why Latin? Latin was the first language I studied intensively (in 9th and 10th grades – it’s a complicated story, as I didn’t take Latin in high school, where it wasn’t offered, but rather up the hill at Humboldt State – hence it constituted my first college-level work).
It may not be good Latin. I tried to google it, and came up zero. But, assuming a macron on the last “a” in heroica (making it ablative case) and the ellision of a feminine noun meaning something like action or deed (which is a common syntactical phenomenon in Latin), you could get the meaning “redemption through [or by means of] a heroic deed.” Which seems like the sort of thing you should say in Latin, eh?
The rest of the dream? Kind of foggy, but I was walking around Ketchikan (logical), and trying to find my car (not logical). I didn’t even know which car I’d lost. It was raining (logical) and the town was crowded with Koreans (not logical). There were a lot of airplanes flying around (logical).
And I woke up – to a lot of airplanes flying around outside my hotel. Ketchikan has a lot of airplanes and boats, which makes sense for a town unconnected to the rest of the world by any kind of highway. Here’s a picture of an office where the guy who works there needs at least two parking spaces: one for the boat, and one for the airplane.
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Caveat: Right action, wrong reason

["back-post":  written 2009-10-30, posted 2009-11-02]

Begin weird dream.

I'm sitting around in a place… an unfamiliar institutional setting of some kind.

We're in Korea, but no one there is Korean.  One of those dream-facts that are simply "known," that we're in Korea.

We're discussing veganism.  I'm pontificating:  veganism is a good idea, but it's like right actions for the wrong reasons… it's just like so many other health-related fads and panics.

Think about religion, in the same way:  right actions for wrong reasons.

Well, the others are agreeing or disagreeing, but politely.  Polite discourse.

Some really old-looking man comes in, with a poofy white beard and wild hair, but neatly dressed.  looks a little bit like Victor Maclane (remember him?).  I wonder, is the place we're sitting around actually the Casa, in Mexico City?

He comes in, bows politely, and indicates that he needs access to an electrical outlet behind someone's chair.  We rearrange ourselves and let him set up his device.  The device looks like something related to cookery.  But he simply turns it on and then leaves the room, a-puttering.

And suddenly this heavy, repetitive baseline begins, and a melody in low-tones begins to rattle over and over. It sounds as if it's being played on only the bottom octave of the piano:  dun-da-duh-dun-da-duh-dun-da-duh-dunn-dunn.  But a catchy little hook melody, all the same.  Well, something like that.  Really, it's like a club or rave dj track.

The noise is coming out of the device the old man plugged in.  The old man is standing in the doorway, looking back at our alarmed expressions, grinning mischieviously.

What's with that?

End weird dream.

Caveat: una patria accidental

(oda ambigua a la gran ciudad de El-ley)

La persona típica lleva varias patrias en su alma.  A mí, me pertenece un media docena, al menos.  Entre estas patrias, de alguna manera, la metrópolis de Los Ángeles podría ser la patria más patria de todas, porque aquí nació mi padre y también su padre, mi abuelo:  así, patria de padres.

Yo, nacido de otro lado, entre niebla y lluvias y una infinidad de coníferos, nunca sentía ningún amor por la gran ciudad de mis abuelos; ciudad de asfalto y desierto y carreteras y palmeras y grandes shopping malls tras otras shopping malls.  Pués, por lo menos, no cuando de niño.  Sin embargo, era siempre un lugar fascinante, desafiante, y de sueños.  Podría contemplar el smog con una claridad insólita.

Años después, mi papá volvió al Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de Los Ángeles de Poríncula.  Yo también he logrado acumular una quinta parte de una vida humana vivida acá.  Ahora amo a Los Ángeles, tal vez porque la odio también, y vice versa.

Me encanta encontrarme en un Starbucks cualquiera, y darme cuenta de que la joven a mi derecha está quejandose de algo trivial con su madre en el cellphone, en coreano, mientras la mujer profesional al otro lado está explicando algún procedimiento médico, en ruso, mientras veo en frente, por la ventana, un anuncio al otro lado de la calle en la escritura impenetrable (para mí) del idioma armenio.  Y todo es normal.

Me encanta manejar por tres horas en carretera, arriba del 65 millas por hora, y no haber podido salir de la megalópolis.

Me encanta la silueta de unas palmeras sobre las montañas.

Padezco un amor ambíguo, porque también la odio.  Odio el calor de casi todos los días, y lo aburrido que es el clima.  Odio la carencia de transporte público adecuado.  Odio su solipsismo cultural.

Es patria, pero no es patria querida.  Es patria ambívala, media querida, de índole casi aleatoria o accidental.

Caveat: Leap and the net will appear

How is it that I came to quit my job as a database programmer and become a teacher in Korea?

I came across a little refrigerator magnet that said "Leap and the net will appear."  At the moment, I can't remember if I found it or if it was given to me by someone, to be honest.  Actually, it's possible my father gave it to me.

But I had it stuck to my refrigerator for some time, and I guess at some point, I simply leaped.

Caveat: circles

Life goes in circles, sometimes.  Or spirals.  But you find yourself back where you once were, before, and you wonder if you've gone anywhere, or done anything.

Thus it is for me, sitting in this corner of my father's living room.  11 years ago was nearly the lowest point in my life, and I'm very greatful to my father for the help he gave to me at that time, but there is also some psychological difficulty attached to sitting in this same corner, gazing out across my father's musty and (too) cluttered living room, and recalling that time.  The air and my heart feel equally heavy and thick.

I'm feeling anxious about the "quality time" I need to go spend with my accountant, today.   The long procrastination on the tax issue is finally coming to an end.

And meanwhile, to pass some time, I've been surfing blogs on the topic of Korea, and finding all kinds of reasons why I don't want to go back there, after very nearly convincing myself that that's what I really wanted to do.  I'm vacillating.  Or oscillating (like one of those murderous Korean household fans).  Sigh.

Caveat: Long-promised [임형주 – 행복하길바래]

I’ve been saying I would post a video from my visit to Ulleungdo [울릉도] for a while, and I finally have. It’s not as carefully edited as the ones I made before, but it’s a glimpse of what I saw when I was there. The music is 행복하길바래 by 임형주 [haeng-bok-ha-gil-ba-rae = “I hope you are happy” by Im Hyeong-ju]

Caveat: I lost my truck in the Han River

OK, not really – it was a dream.
It didn’t take me long to start dreaming “driving” dreams again. And I haven’t even done much driving, yet. The dream started kind of vaguely, with my driving my Nissan pickup around Japan and Korea. Which makes sense, of course, given I recently was traveling there and only now returned to Minnesota to be driving my pickup, running errands. But then the dream became very vivid.
I drove it onto a ferry boat. Despite the fact that I never got near the automobile deck on any of the ferries I rode, the ferry auto-deck was rendered in great detail, with appropriate Korean-language warning signs (who knows if they were correct), appropriate makes of vehicle (Hyudais and Kias and Samsung-Renaults and Ssangyong SUVs, etc), and appropriate men standing around smoking. My dream-truck was rendered in great detail, too, with its post-two-year-storage coating of dust on the hood and dented front license plate (actually, that wasn’t quite accurate, as my actual front license plate doesn’t look so dented, as far as I can tell looking out the window at it, just now).
pictureThe truck was parked at one end of the auto-deck on the ferry, right up against one of the fold-down ramps for unloading the cars when the ferry docks. I fixated on one of the fat, smooth steel rods or “bolts” that are used to hook the ramp up by passing through a padlock hasp sort of arrangement in order to hold it in place, and the fat cotter pin through the end of it.
Looking out through the crack between the ramp and the steel wall of the ferry, I saw the Seoul skyline gliding past. All of which is implausible – there are no vehicle ferries on the Han River through Seoul, and it’s unlikely I’d be driving my truck in Korea, right? But such are dreams.
Then the cotter-pin I’d fixated on popped out, the metal rod popped out of its hasp, and the ramp fell open. The boat was rocking violently, although I saw no waves. And so my truck slipped off the deck and into the muddy river water, almost soundlessly. The men smoking cigarettes hardly noticed. I felt very little alarm, either. And that was the dream.
Interesting symbolism. At right, the truck in question.  No picture of the ferry auto-deck, however – I didn’t have my cellphone camera in dreamland. But below is the Han River, as seen from the “63” building in June.
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Caveat: Disorientation at Dawn

I had one of those moments when I woke up in "the middle of the night" – actually it was around dawn, I think – where I spent a really long, mostly lucid time puzzling out where in the world I was.   That's common for many people when traveling, but I don't experience it very often.  In my brain, I was paging through the many places I've been over the last month:  my apartment in Ilsan, hotel rooms and ryokan and yeogwan in Japan and Korea, my friend Peter's apartment where I crashed, too.  Nothing was matching up to the homey familiarity of my crashing spot on Mark & Amy's living room floor.   It took a long time — at least 5 minutes.   Finally, I put it together, where I was.

Was it all a dream?  This is where I stayed on the nights before my departure for Korea, too.  So it's a "full circle" moment.

Beautiful Minnesota fall rain, now.   I slept late — later than I have in ages.  I can blame timezones.  Now, off to get some things done.  I hope I can get my car running.

Caveat: I carry a flower carefully

I was walking around Fukuoka two days ago. I saw the words “I carry a flower carefully” inscribed like a very short poem on the side of a big truck. I wanted to write an ode to the side of that truck. Or, maybe, I wanted to write an ode to postmodern commerce. Or, maybe, I wanted to think about writing an ode, and then stop, before the ode appeared, all wilted and unloved, like an uncarefully-carried flower.
Instead, I wrote the following in my little librito para pensamientos aleatorios.

pictureI imagine that in the back of that truck, there is a single flower. It is a bit limp, in the dark strangling air and the stiffling heat of the back of that truck. It is a single flower, strapped down tightly and carefully so that won’t slide around in its tiny flower pot.  It is alone in the otherwise empty cargo bay of that truck.
We all carry important things. Life has so many details.
Too many choices amid too much freedom can create its own class of suffering? I shake my head. The September sun is hot in Fukuoka. There are no clouds.
It seems like I have no goals. Isn’t life, and growing up, supposed to be about process? Sometimes the lack of goals can create feelings of anxiety, but I then try to remind myself that goals are hazardous. They are hazardous because… well, not precisely… but, they lead to disappointment.
I think sometimes that such a goallessness must seem odd, or even bewildering, to others who see it in me. I frequently make up goals and tell them to people, but these made-up goals are often shifting around like sand under the waves creeping up a beach. Sometimes I carry a goal that I have made up around with me, carefully, for a long time. But I never forget that I made it up to please someone, during some conversation. It’s an illusion.
People seem to find me difficult to understand.
Is it really suffering, having so much freedom? No. It’s maybe an irrational fear of emptiness. I carry a center of loneliness. I don’t comfort it. I simply carry it, carefully, and some day, in some metaphysical market, maybe I can trade it to someone who needs it more than I do. That person might give me some strong, desirable currency, or a kernel of enlightenment or understanding, in exchange.
The details in life matter, but they are so easy to neglect. Other people matter. I’m not always very good at connecting.
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Caveat: Dream in Debate

Given the subject matter I teach, and the way I teach it (which is with a lot of repetition and pattern modelling in class), it's actually surprising I don't dream "in debate format" more often.  Well, last night, I dreamed I was involved a debate.  But there were many peculiarities, as are inevitable in dreams.

Foremost, I and everyone one else were stylized like Japanese anime characters.   Actually, there was a point in time last year when I was toying with the idea of trying to draw out in manga format some of my teaching experiences, but I was profoundly displeased with my drawing ability – that's probably where the visual aspect of the dream came from, in part.   Next, the setting was not where I work.   It seemed to be taking place at some giant transportation terminal – a large bus station or airport.   Last, the topic was somehow earth-shattering.  The details weren't clear, but a lot of points hinged on proving deception on the part of media and government.  At one point in the dream, I was explaining that the massive "government report" in the binder I was holding up was created by a machine, and that if you studied the information in it carefully, you would realize that there were patterns that proved it was all random and computer-generated, and therefore was useless to prove what the debate opposition was claiming it proved.

In the middle of the debate, my friend Bob showed up and wanted to have lunch.  He was quite charming, drawn as a cartoon character – he looked a little bit like an itinerant zen monk.   We sat down Korean style (crosslegged on the floor at low tables) and ate borsht and rye bread.    He said that I was taking the debate far too seriously.  I offered him some cheese, but he didn't want it.   He said he had to go back to work, researching something.

I went back to give another speech for the debate, but one of my students was presenting quite adequately in my place.  I felt proud.  Then I realized the audience was mostly animals:  cattle, horses, sheep.  They were not being attentive, either.  I turned to my other students there, waiting their turn to speak nervously, and noticed that the opposition speakers had all disappeared.  I went to look for them, and ended up in a large institutional bathroom.  There was an old woman inside, mopping the floors.   I tried to ask her if she'd seen the opposition speakers (who suddenly included Obama, I realized as I tried to describe them) but she only spoke Korean, and became quickly incoherent and angry when I kept asking.

I started looking in the stalls, but the woman chased me away with her mop.  Back in the hall, the animals had begun to leave, too, and my students looked to me for guidance:  continue speaking?  Give up?  I looked at the large report I'd been describing earlier, and noticed that the pages were gradually losing their words — becoming blank.  Not all at once, but like a screen-saver was operating on them. 

I abandoned my students to look for a new version of the report.  But then I woke up. 

Caveat: Subwayification and weeds redeem bury the past

The intensive subwayification of the Seoul’s infinite exurbs continues apace – recession? what recession? The old, slightly decrepit-seeming Gyeongui Line (경의선) is being given some coats of new paint (along with massive infrastructure upgrades, etc.) and the first phase of its integration into the Seoul Metro System took effect on July 1st.
The Gyeongui Line is interesting for both historical and personal reasons. Historically, the current Gyeongui Line is the rump end of the old Seoul-to-Pyongyang line that was the first railroad to open in Korea, in around 1906. With the closed border since 1950 or so, it ends a few kilometers south of Panmunjeom and the DMZ at Imjingang. Since then, it has functioned as the northwest suburban commuter rail line, but it’s name still implies it makes it to the Chinese border (Gyeong is “capital,” as in Seoul, and ui is short for Sinuiju – by the wacky rules for Korean acronyms – hence Gyeongui means “Capital and Chinese Border City Railroad”). I wrote about taking it out to Imjingang in October, 2007.
It’s interesting to me for personal reasons, because when I was in the US Army and stationed at Camp Edwards, whenever I wanted to go into Seoul during a day-long liberty, I would take a taxi to Munsan station and take the Gyeongui line into the city. That’s why I can actually say that I had been in Ilsan way back in 1991, which always brings Ooo’s and Ahh’s of amazement when I report this to the kids. It’s definitely a changed place. In 1991, Ilsan was a village of maybe 5000 surrounded by hills and rice paddies, a whistle stop on the commuter railroad, still beyond the edge of the megalopolis. Now it’s been reengineered as a “New City,” and the districts that are refered to colloquially as “Ilsan” include more than 500,000 residents, almost half of the Goyang municipality.
Anyway, starting July 1st, the Gyeongui Line between “Digital Media City Station” (on Line 6 near the World Cup stadium) and Munsan has now been fully integrated to the Seoul subway. Rather than sporadic-seeming once-hourly service, the trains zip by 4-8 times an hour, and you can pay with the same “t-money” card that you use for the rest of the subway system, with barrier-free, clearly marked transfers to the other lines at Daegok and Digital Media City. For a subwayophile like myself, that’s cool, and it’s cool to see an old line “grandfathered in” that way.
To celebrate, today I took the orange line (line 3) that goes by my house a few stops down to Daegok, and changed to the Gyeongui line. I took it out to Geumchon. It was a hot, humid day, with occasional strong winds that smelled like the ripe standing water of all the rice paddies to the north and west, and had just the hint of 10000 pots of kimchi fermenting on rooftops or apartment balconies, as well. The “smell of Korea.”
Now, in the fall of 2007 I wrote about taking the Gyeongui line out to Imjingang and trying to find my old Army base. I thought maybe I’d located it. But I wasn’t certain… the pace of urbanization has been so fast in this region, and I knew it had been closed. Maybe it had been turned into a mini mall.
But I have subsequently spent some time studying the increasingly clear images of the area on Google Earth, and I had become conviced that my old base lay just north of the limit of old Geumchon (which doesn’t jive with my memories, because no one ever mentioned Geumchon to my recollection… we always went to Paju or Munsan… it’s possible Geumchon was basically a nothing-village at that point, though). Anyway, I took the train to Geumchon, got off, and started walking north.
Sure enough. There it was. My old base, Camp Edwards, all shuttered up, overgrown with weeds, with a lone watchman at the main gate. Here’s a picture of the main gate.
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Inside the gate, you can see the remains of the Alpha Company barracks (cooks’ company). Note that the old Gyeongui line tracks ran right in front of the gate… basically, the railroad crossing gate and the gate manned by the Korean policemen at the base entrance were one and the same. In the picture, you don’t see the railroad tracks, because they’ve been elevated. They were right above me, where I stood. That was different.
But the “tank traps” on the MSR were the same.
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It’s not called “the MSR” anymore – that stands for “Military Supply Route” and was US Army lingo for Highway 1, which was the fourlane boulevard that parallels the Gyeongui line all the way from Seoul to Imjingang (where the DMZ puts an end to civilian traffic). I don’t know what exactly the right term for those tank traps is, but the idea is that they’re filled with rubble and dynamite, and if the North Koreans come charging down the MSR, all the tank traps (strategically positioned every few kilometers over all highways) get blown, preventing easy access for all those North Korean tanks.
Looking the other way from the tank traps over the highway, you see the concrete obstacles planted like gravestones in the fields to the side of the highway.
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The whole infrastructure is no longer well maintained as far as I can figure out … there are many places where there are modern bridges over these old tank barriers, etc. Then again, maybe all the modern bridges are embedded with dynamite, too, as the old urban myth alleges is the case for all the bridges across the Han River.
I walked past my old base, feeling a bit of nostalgia, but a sense of closure, too. Nice to see the crappy old place overgrown with weeds. I’ve outlasted it! Below, there’s a picture I took looking west from a pile of railroad ties under the now-elevated Gyeongui tracks.
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You can just make out the brownish structure in the center, which was the old Bravo Company 296th Support Battalion motor pool, where I labored under the despotic and corrupt Sgt Wise for almost a year. And in the foreground, but behind the concertina fencing, you can see a bit of the “track.” That was where we did our two-mile runs… a little half mile loop on level ground, in circles around the warehouse (which appeared to be missing, now). I have vivid memories of that incredibly boring run. It was only on rare occasions that we got to do company runs off-post, up down and around the countryside.
I kept walking north along the MSR (er.. Highway 1). The first left turn off the highway, going north, used to have a little ramen joint on the corner right across the railroad tracks. I think that’s where I was first introduced to that Korean-military delicacy: spicy ramen with cheez-whiz. Now, as you can see, it appears that they’ve built an office park there.
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Finally, I reached a place called Wollongyeok (Wollong Station). I’m confident that this station on the Gyeongui line didn’t exist, before. It’s an addition, part of the densification of the commuter line as part of integrating it to a subway system. But it was convenient to find it. I took this picture from the little hill walking down toward it, because I like that you can see the huge highway sign with an arrow pointing the way to Panmunjeom.
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Panmunjeom is a tiny village. Technically speaking, since 1950, it has zero actual civilian residents – it’s where the North and South face each other, and they have little meetings if things are too tense to actually allow each other to cross. And since nothing in South Korean signage admits the existence of an actual border, the only way to know when you’re getting close is when you start seeing signs for Panmunjeom. So I like the sign because you see that here you are, at a nice modern-looking suburban railway station, within a few kilometers of North Korea.
And that brings me to…. So, life so close to North Korea, what’s that like? As a bird flies, my apartment in Manhattanny Ilsan lies about 10 km from the North Korean border. It’s more like 25 if you drive, because of the twists of the Imjin river and of the line itself. But it’s weird sometimes to think how close it is, and how much the people here seem to be either ignorant or in denial – or some weird symbiosis of those two mental states.
Actually, despite all the sabre rattling (and missle-launching and nuke-testing) to the north, no one in the circle of people I interact with seems in the least concerned. This is just the way it always has been, with the north. Weird, scary, unstable… but not, in the end, something that is likely ever to change. Those giant armies facing each other — the high-tech-and-armed-to-the-teeth South and the 2-million-cannon-fodder-plus-a-coupla-handy-WMD-(but-nevertheless-noticeably-incompetent) North – they’ve been glaring at each other for almost 60 years now. It feels very much like “status quo forever.”
And frankly, if it’s nukes you’re worried about, Ilsan is THE safest place outside of North Korea to be, if you think about it. Kim Jong-il may be a wack job, but he’s not gonna nuke the one spot in South Korea that’s practically within walking-distance of a major North Korean city (namely, Kaeseong). As a point of fact, I very much doubt there’s any tactical or strategic scenario in which the North would nuke the South. The nukes are for those “damned foreigners” – i.e. Japan and the US, largely. The South is not foreign, just misguided. It doesn’t need nuking… just reeducation. If things got really, really bad, and the North launched some kind of preemptive invasion of the South, Ilsan would definitely be overrun. But from a tactical standpoint, it seems to me that it is literally so close to the line that it would be behind the line before anyone knew what was happening (and despite those decrepit tank traps).
How things would play from there, who knows? It could end up very grim… I imagine the ways in which seemingly well-developed and relatively westernized Yugoslavia decayed into chaos and civil war in the 1990’s. It’s not impossible, here. But… well, it’s not something worth worrying about. Terrible disasters are possible, whether human or natural, no matter where one chooses to live. In any event, consumer culture is so deeply rooted in the South Korean psyche, now, that I wouldn’t envy any effort on the part of the North to absorb or reeducate the South. It would end up a kind of pyrrhic victory, perhaps. Nor should we underestimate the strength of the South’s military and of its no doubt innumerable contingency plans.
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Caveat: Make a comment…

Normally I don't invite much comment on this blog.  It's more of a one-way thing, seems like.  Partly, it's because the comment notification gadget doesn't seem to actually work — typepad (my bloghost) never sends me any notice when someone comments here.   That being said, this one time, go ahead and comment on the below "survey," if you want.  I'll try to check back regularly to this post and see
what people have put.

This is cross-posted from my facebook page (where actually I don't spend much time). 

Jared is going to make a little survey.  I'm approaching the end of my teaching contract in South Korea (39 teaching days left; two months).  I'm trying to decide "what next" for life.

Without allowing for ANY preconceptions (though obviously some of you are more informed about my interests and abilities than others)… what do all these various friends and acquaintances think I should do next?  Obviously, I reserve the right to ignore everyone.  But I'm curious what people come up with.

Caveat: One year from today

Almost everyone likes to imagine the different possibilites that the future might hold.  "If I decide on X, then in one year, I might be doing Y.  If I start X now, in one year, I will have achieved Y."  Too often, we limit ourselves to our current path, and miss the many turnings that are all around us.  This list is in the spirit of capturing those turnings.  I tried to make a list of 5 things that I could visualize doing or having achieved exactly one year from today.  I tried not to spend a lot of time thinking about it — just used what pops into my head.  The point is to ignore "chance of success" and just imagine it happening.

One year from today I might be:

1.  Living in Lisbon, working on my "book" (not sure which book that is, but you get the idea).
2.  Back in Korea, teaching
3.  Looking forward to returning to graduate school
4.  Teaching English in Mongolia, after completing a short certification program
5.  Working in database design and administration again, maybe in Minneapolis or LA

Caveat: Confucian Immersion Therapy

For some reason, I regularly return to a gnomic little quote from Gilles Deleuze (his book, Spinoza) that somehow seems just perfect:  "ethical joy is the correlate of speculative affirmation." 

I've been meditating on simplicity.  On how deliberately putting boundaries around life's possibilities might, in fact, make life more livable.   Then there's my conviction that aesthetics can drive ethics.  This leads me to think about the relationship between constraints and aesthetics:   consider that fine art is about creating (or finding) constraints and then creating within those constraints.  Unconstrained creation is just chaos.

In this way, aesthetic creation is perhaps like other ludic activity — artistic praxis as game-playing.  The playful artist.  So, then, if you want an aesthetically grounded (ethically bounded?) life, you must accept arbitrary aesthetic constraints, just as in poetry or painting or whatever else.

Are the legalisms of Confucianism appealing to me in part because of the fact that they represent one such tried-and-tested set of "constraints on living"?  Can deliberately setting out to live inside such constraints make one mentally healthier, or does it just lead to repression?  Or is that dependent on other, unrelated factors.

Caveat: No plot

pictureI woke from a strange dream this morning. It was plotless… sometimes that happens. This was almost like some sort of abstract conceptual film; but  it had a visual esthetic drawn from Architectural Digest magazine, maybe. I was in a building. Looking for someone, maybe. It was drawing heavily on the Folwell Hall archetype in my brain (that building being the place where I have spent the most time at my erstwhile academic home, University of Minnesota – see picture).
The interior wasn’t quite right, though.  It was as if the building had been converted into million-dollar yuppie condos. Actually, that might be kind of cool. There were a lot of open, loft-y spaces inside, and then there was a hanging rope suspension bridge between two modernist-looking living rooms.  Finally, I worked my way up to a top floor, and went up a spiral staircase. And through a door, and up a last flight… to find myself on a vast wooden deck.
The deck had no rails, and looking beyond, it was on open, unsullied prairie. No other buildings. No trees. It was at ground level – the Folwell Hall I’d been exploring was underground. The was a strong wind; the grasses swayed.  It was like standing at a rest area in North Dakota. I turned around to go back downstairs.  There was a man selling Korean dalk-kkochi (skewer chicken) from a stand by the doorway where I’d emerged. Other than that, it was utterly lonely and isolated.
That was the dream. Nothing more. As I said, no real plot. The images were quite vivid and strong, though.
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Caveat: Alas, Robuckle

It was a pretty rough week.  Not so much in the quantity of work, but in the ups and downs of the affective environment at LBridge.  There was the announcement, mid-week, that there will be layoffs, campus closings, etc.  Though not impacting me directly, obviously the mood in the staff room has taken a beating.  And today the rumors began to surface that teaching loads would be way up, next term.  Which is logical, but no more welcome, for all that. 

And there were deprecatory things muttered about "speaking teachers" (code for E2 visa-holding teachers as opposed to "natives") who have "easier jobs."  While I disagree with that, with regard to class load, I do acknowledge that not having to interact with the parents, as is required of the native teachers, definitely makes things a little bit easier.  I see how they struggle and suffer with the constant shifts in mood and policy (oh, there's a policy?), and of course, lack-of-support, on the part of management. 

But the thing that has me most depressed is the situation of a student of mine.  Not just mine… she's been in the Eldorado-ban (level) for a good portion of my time here.  Her English name, self-selected, is Clover.  I actually really have enjoyed having her in my class.  She's not a great intellect, and her English skills are spotty.  She's not a hardcore studier, and she's often moody.  She can be easily discouraged, and is too often comparing herself unfavorably to her peers.  The competition gets her down.  But… she could be a lot of fun, too.

One day, a month or two ago, I came in, and she announced, "today, I am Robuckle."  I said, "that's an interesting name.  I like it."  But I wanted to know where it came from.  She managed to explain, after jumping up to the board and drawing it out in Korean hangeul, that it was the consequence of playing a common language-game with the hangeulized version of "Clover."  This, of course, enchanted me – everyone, including my students, know about my love for all sorts of language games.

Here's how it works.  If you write "Clover" in Korean syllables, it comes to keul-lo-beo (클로버).  Then, according the rules of the language game, you put the first syllable last.  That gives lo-beo-keul (로버클).  But now the leading /L/ has been un-twinned, so it gets to become an /R/, according to standard Korean phonology.  That gives ro-beo-keul.  Finally, you un-hangeulize it back to something close to English phonology, and it sounds like "Robuckle."  Fabulous!

Clover enjoyed having made me so happy with such a silly thing.  So I enthusiastically endorsed the renaming of Clover as Robuckle.

Robuckle went back to being Clover a few weeks later, but after that, I always would grin to myself whenever I was scoring a paper of Robuckle's, or entering a grade, or whatever.  I'm easily and eccentrically pleased, I guess.

Anyway.  Clover's grades have been dropping quite a bit, of late.  And she got a terrible score on the speaking final speech.  She complained (via her mom, conveyed to the homeroom teacher, conveyed to me) that I had scored her unfairly.  And she became grumpy and taciturn in class.  Which of course caused her subsequent scores on things to drop, too.  I asked her, several times, to bring me the scoring sheet I had given her for the speaking final – I was open to renegotiating the score, or, even, letting her have another go at it.  But she was more interested in being angry about it.  She finally told me her mom "threw it away" (meaning the scoring paper), to get me to leave her alone about renegotiating the grade.

The other day, she apparently complained to her mom that she "hated" all of her teachers at LBridge.  Which is fine.  Such complaining is the god-given right of every adolescent.  But she alleged that we all hated her, too, and that we were unfair to her.  Such complaints come from children everywhere, all the time.  But the problem in the hagwon biz, where the parents are the paying customers… well, you can imagine: I've written about this dilemma at least once before.  The management is just as likely to side with the kid as with the teachers, especially if the kid in question is being unequivocably backed by his or her parent.

The outcome of this is that Clover's homeroom teacher got a dressing-down today by the manager, for not intercepting Clover's problems, and for being unfair, and for not mediating her perceptions of unfairness of her other teachers, such as myself.  And that left Clover's homeroom teacher pissed as hell, naturally.  At Clover.  At Clover's mom.  At the manager.  And Clover is, most likely, dropping out.  And Clover's sister, a star pupil across the street at the middle-school branch, is being pulled, also.  Officially, it's all the fault of us teachers. 

You see how this works?  It's depressing.

And despite all that, I'll miss Clover, too.  Her unkempt hair, her occasional wry grin, her sullen slouch, that baseball cap permanently affixed to her head, her flashes of real intelligence shining through the murk of atrocious syntax.

Alas, Robuckle.

Caveat: Evocations

It's weird how bits of music get attached to particular memories, and most significantly, for me, to specific texts.  It's not always a matter of, "that's what I was listening to when I read X."  Of course, sometimes it is, too.  Peter Gabriel's track "Mercy Street" was playing as I read the concluding paragraphs of Cien Años de Soledad, and whenever I hear that song, I inevitably think of that book.  More broadly, Cat Stevens' Tea for the Tillerman album will always, strangely, connect with LeGuin's Earthsea novels, because that album was on heavy rotation when I read those novels way back in junior high.  Tracks of New Order and Depeche Mode moodily — appropriately, perhaps — evoke Dostoyevsky and Nietzsche, as I had those on my playlist (at that time a cassette-playing walkman clone of some kind) when I was reading those very "heavy" books during my complex, often very depressed time serving in the US Army, and stationed at Camp Edwards in Paju, Korea.

Perhaps more peculiar are the connections between Kraftwerk or the Psychadelic Furs and Shakespeare and Melville.  But such connections are really solid, because altogether they represent my second year in college, when I was flirting with being an English major.  Still other evocations are downright bizarre, and less direct.  I almost always think of Jose Donoso when I hear Silvio Rodriguez's Playa Giron album, but the connection is basically because of the song "Santiago," which connects on subject matter to my 1994 visit (a winter week in August — Southern Hemisphere, remember?) in Santiago.  I was reading Donoso, despite the fact that I didn't have any kind of sound track with me at the time.

Perhaps the strangest evocation hit me today, as I was walking to work in the pouring rain.  Arlo Guthrie's "City of New Orleans" played on my MP3, and I thought of Ayn Rand.  That's just plain crazy… but it happens every single time.  I also tend to think about the murals of Diego Rivera.  The connection is actually rather abstract – it's not like I was listening to Arlo Guthrie as I read Atlas Shrugged, all those years ago when I was living in Mexico City.  I think it's got to do with the sort of populist (anti-intellectualist?) "exaltation of the hard-working craftsman" that thematically unifies those artists, despite their stunning ideological differences.

Caveat: Tacuba, DF, 1986

En la Ciudad de México, yo vivía en la entonces llamada Colonia Revolución (que hoy en día se llama Colonia Tabacaleros, no sé por qué). Quedaba a la vuelta del Metro Revolución, también a unas tres cuadras del monumento.
pictureMis amigos Tony y Aura vivían en Tacuba, y era bastante fácil salir de mi trabajo, después terminar mis deberes, y meterme en la línea azul del metro para subir hacia Metro Tacuba en la misma línea. Creo que un día, en alrededores del agosto o setiembre, una tarde lluviosa, salí del Metro Tacuba y emprendé la caminata de 5 minutos para donde la casa de ellos en la calle Lago Ontario (todas las calles del barrio de Tacuba llevan nombres de mares y lagos, si me acuerdo).
Habían todos los vendedores ambulantes de todo el menudeo que se encontraba en cualquier estación del metro, y me fijé en un LP (un album disco de vinilo, ya desaparecida aquella tecnología) del grupo Dream Academy. En el disco, había la canción Life in a Northern Town, que se tocaba en la radio top 40 de la época.  Es una canción bastante sentimental, pero en aquel entonces, me gustaba. Por alguna razón, compré el disco.
Llegado ya a la casa de la puerta azul en la Lago Ontario, me puse a abrir el disco, porque Tony y Aura tenían un tocadiscos.  Resultó que el disco sobraba de imperfecciones, con que al tocarlo, se oía un ligero accelerar-decelerar del ritmo de la música. En mi propía casa, faltaba de tocadiscos, así que me dediqué a grabar el disco allá donde Tony y Aura en un casete que podría escuchar en mi Walkman.
Durante muchos años, tenía esta grabación entre mi collección de casetes. Habiendo grabado el album del disco imperfecto, llegué a imaginar que las imperfecciones rítmicas de las canciones eran todo lo natural. Hace dos o tres años, compre un CD del mismo album, de que después hice un rip para trasladarlo a mi computadora.  Y de ahí, a mi MP3.
Ayer, caminando hacia el trabajo acá en Corea, salió la canción “Life in a Northern Town” (por Dream Academy) en el albedrío de mi MP3. Me puse a recordar aquella tarde en Tacuba, entre las lluvias veranales del gran valle de México.  Sin embargo, la canción parecía imperfecta, por faltar de las imperfecciones grabadas hace tanto tiempo.
Lo que escucho en este momento.

Dream Academy, “Life In A Northern Town.”
[youtube embed added 2011 as part of of background noise.]
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Caveat: 장수에 주말 여행했어요

On Saturday at 12 o’clock my friend Curt called me and asked if I wanted to accompany him to his home town, Jangsu, for a quick overnight trip. He had to go down for a “family meeting” and many relatives would be there. “It will be an adventure for you,” he commented.
I felt spontaneous, and said, “sure!” I met him at his hagwon at around 5:30, but at the last minute his daughter (who is 8) decided she wanted to come along, so we had to go collect her, and then he forgot to take a computer that he was going to give to his sister, so we had to drive back to the hagwon and get that. The result was that we didn’t get on the road until around 7:30.
The traffic wasn’t too bad driving down – most people who flee Seoul on the weekends do so earlier on Saturday, is my guess. We arrived at his home village at around 1 AM. The moon was full and the air was already summery, although fairly dry.
Koreans like to sleep in hot, stuffy homes, as far as I can determine, and Curt’s family homestead was no exception. But I was tired and slept soundly, and was awoken at 6AM sharp by the rapid, nonstop Korean of Curt’s mother’s voice. She is in her 70’s, but seems quite healthy and strong-spirited, like any good Korean matron.  She kept a running commentary the entire day. Curt, at one point, observed with a wry deference that his mother “loves to talk.”  I was enjoying the language input, without understanding more than a small amount. I perhaps would have tired of it, had I understood more, but as it was, it was just like being tuned to a Korean talk-radio station, but with all sorts of contextual clues to make it on the edge-of-comprehensible.
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We did a small sightseeing drive at around 7 AM, to see the new dam that rose above his old village. Here is a picture I took looking down from the dam into the valley – the village proper is in the foreground, and the family compound is just out of sight among the alfalfa fields behind the trees in the lower left.
We walked around and I took some pictures of the family using both their camera and mine. Keep in mind, this is not the whole clan – just those who happened to come along on the sightseeing drive: Curt, his older sister, his daughter, his niece, and his mother.
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After that, we drank some coffee back at the house, as more people showed up. Then at around nine, everyone went down to the restaurant that’s along the stream at the village turnoff at the main highway (highway 19). There were some 50 relatives there, quickly and systematically eating a typical Korean breakfast: rice, several kimchis (including a delicious and memorable cucumber kimchi I’d never tasted before), fish, other vegetable side-dishes, and a thin broth-type soup with some slices of what I thought was potato in it. After the breakfast there was to be the “family meeting.”
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Curt snuck away to smoke a cigarette beforehand, and hinted that I might want to go do something else (which was a polite way of saying I wasn’t invited, I suppose – I wasn’t offended). Here is a picture of the spot behind the restaurant by the stream and the highway across the stream, where we talked.
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So I walked back across the fields to the house. The house was swarming with children, who had no interest in practicing English with me (and who can blame them?), but they also seemed befuddled and frustrated by my poor Korean. I felt like I was embedded in a Kafka novel, for a while: lots of talking, but no communication whatsoever. One of the girls took my camera, and this is a picture I found in it later.
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Eventually, feeling exhausted by the language-overload, I went on a walk. I went into the village and looked at the Buddhist temple complex there – apparently Curt’s father, who passed away in 2007, had been a major philanthropist in the restoration and expansion of the temple. Here is a view approaching the temple, and another showing the intricate woodwork and painting on one of the buildings.
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Finally, the family meeting down at the restaurant was over, and Curt came and found me strolling around the village, along the river below the dam behind the temple complex.  “Do you want to come while I pay my respects to my father?” “Sure,” I agreed, amenably. I didn’t want to intrude or be the uncomfortable foreigner in what was no doubt an intimate and personal thing, but I was dreading spending the next several hours waiting for him with nothing structured to do.
The drive to his father’s grave was quite long, unexpectedly. Almost an hour, as he is interred at a veterans cemetery southwest of Imsil, which is some ways west of Jangsu.  We passed over a winding mountain road and into a much wider, more populated valley to get there.  Curt placed a lighted cigarette on his father’s grave.  “He loved to smoke,” he said.  He poured a bit of Soju onto the grass, and his sister placed a plate with some fruit on the grave stone.  Curt and his sister bowed deeply to the grave, and then his mother also bowed to her late husband.
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After the ceremony, and after making sure it was OK, I took a picture of Curt standing by his father’s grave.  He was teary and emotional. I felt awkward, and stayed mostly quiet, during the first part of the drive back to the house at Jangsu. We went back a different way, through Namwon and along a bit of the “88 Olympic Expressway” which reminded me in terms of feel and scenery of those odd, depression-era, two-lane tollways that snake around parts of Appalachia in Kentucky or West Virginia.
Returned to the house, we had a very quick but homemade lunch.  I especially liked the fried dubu (tofu) and kimchi – much better than restaurant varieties. And then it was suddenly over.  After some lounging around watching Korean music videos and listening to the grandmother lecture the granddaughters about who-knows-what, Curt, his daughter and I said our goodbyes and were back on the road at around 3 PM – although I embarrassed myself with some incorrect Korean in trying to say “nice to have met you.” I think I may have said something like, “That [romantic] date went well,” if it meant anything at all. But it wasn’t a date, was it?
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Caveat: Stealth Server

When I worked at Paradise Corporation (a pseudonym), in the National Accounts Department (within the broader realm of Sales & Marketing) with my boss’s permission, I constructed a database server which I used to download and manipulate a complete “copy” of the official corporate data warehouse. The server was not a powerful machine, and a full ETL (extract, transform, load) of the previous week’s data took all weekend (more than 24 hours). But I kept adding more hard-drives, because the size of the dataset was so large. Ultimately, the server had 9 200GB hard drives, meaning it was approaching 2 terabytes. There were only 6 slots for hard drives, however, so I attached the additional drives using duct tape to the inside of the case. I was very proud of the jury-rigged contraption.
The server became known as the “stealth server,” and employees from the IT department would sometimes come by my cubicle simply to admire (and express alarm) at my handiwork. I deployed a business-intelligence website called, alternately, the report-o-matic or NADA (a cynical backronym of my own creation, meaning National Accounts Data Analysis), which ran on one of my two desktops and linked to the stealth server for its source data. Linking directly to the data warehouse was not an option, because the dimensional data there was of the wrong “granularity,” which is why I’d built the copy in the first place. I was “flattening” the dimensions substantially, and then re-normalizing to the “correct” granularity to be able to support invoice reporting for certain finicky National Accounts customers.
GoogleServerMedium I was reminded of my beloved stealth server recently by an April Fool’s blog posting at CNET news. The picture (click thru for the CNET article) is not unlike my stealth server, and I felt both alarmed and proud of the fact that my stealth server’s secret twin was working hard for google. But of course, no real corporation would rely on such jury-rigged hardware for mission-critical data support functions. Right?
To Paradise’s credit, the report-o-matic is now hosted on proper hardware, and most of the “back-end” has been rewritten by “guys in India.” But last I heard, the website was still presenting data for the National Accounts team, much as I’d designed it.
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Caveat: Customs Detail; Emeralds; Raindrops

The dry season (aka winter) is ending.

Northwest South Korea is actually the wettest place place I've ever lived, except for those months in Valdivia, Chile.  My hometown of Arcata, on the southern edge of the allegedly rainy Pacific Northwest, actually doesn't get as much precipitation as Seoul, but its rainy reputation is reinforced by the vast number of overcast days each year.  I blame my Arcata upbringing for my somewhat problematic relationship with sunny days. 

Anyway, despite the "on average" wet climate, here, it's all concentrated into the summer monsoon.  So winter is dry.  Drier than a midwestern winter, although bitterly cold just like Minnesota.  But with spring, and warming temperatures, the moisture begins to come.  Rainy days.  And of course, since it's spring, everything turns stunningly green.

Some of my most vivid memories of "greenness" are from the spring of 1991, when I was assigned to a special "customs detail" outside of my assigned US Army support battalion, here in Korea.  I was a "liaison" attached to a group of Korean truck-drivers / movers, basically.  The movers were employed by the US Army to come in and move US soldiers from base to base, or to pack them up for their return to the US, etc.

Because there was a Korean government customs official involved, the US Army liked to send along a "throwaway" liaison to kind keep an eye on things, I guess.  That was me — because my sergeant didn't like me, he gave me what everyone supposed was an onerous extra assignment.  But I loved it.  I spent a good portion of that spring riding around in a Hyundai 2-ton truck with a team of about 4 Korean blue-collar types who had very poor English, as we went from base to base, and from off-base apartment to off-base apartment, packing up and loading up US soldiers' worldly goods and transporting them around.

I remember riding in the back of the truck, watching the rain beyond the canopy, as the green countryside whirled past.  Stopping in some hole-in-the-wall restaurant and having chili-ramen with cheese-whiz (some kind of weird lower-class Korean delicacy).  Picking up a few bits of Korean.  Standing aside in the barracks at Camp Boniface (the forwardmost post of the US Army in Korea, facing the North Korean border), looking uselessly officious, while the Korean customs official went down his checklist of "forbidden items," and the impatient infantryman-du-jour looked on.  And then returning to my unit that evening, only to be told I was still responsible for that broken humvee or deuce-and-a-half truck, and working late into the night in the motorpool shop.

But it was during this "customs detail" in 1991 that I first fell in love with the emerald, rainy Korean countryside of spring and early summer.  I flash back on these memories, stepping outside today to walk to work: the sting of a raindrop on my cheek, the flash of suddenly green treebranches lifted by wind.

Caveat: Tyler Brown IN MEMORIAM

I recently learned, much to my shock, that a former close colleague of mine passed away last year.  Tyler and I worked together at HealthSmart in 2005-2006, in Long Beach and mostly at the Pharmacies division in Newport Beach.

I've mentioned Tyler twice in this blog (which is pretty notable, considering how little I was blogging during the time he and I were close colleagues).  First, in April of 2006, I didn't give his name, but only wrote of him obliquely:

… the future is scary.

So I guess this is one of those flexion-points, where I might decide to step away from my current future, and toward another.  But a friend (a colleague) made an observation to me the evening before the interview – really, also, an observation OF me.  He pointed out (and somehow had figured this out despite missing major portions of my biography) that I was a serial quitter. 

And maybe I should get over that?

The hardest future to adopt, in other words, is the one currently coming at you.  Alternate futures are easier, perhaps.  Am I destined to always be a refugee in my own alternate futures, in exile from my own alternate pasts?

Hidden behind this mention, but evident in it, is the fact that, during that short time (about 6 months?  Maybe almost a year), Tyler was essentially my best friend.  We worked together on an almost daily basis.  We had connected at a visceral level, with our curmudgeonly personalities.  And he was more than a little bit of a mentor to me, in things technical, while I know he was fascinated with my never-ending tales in the vein of "…at that time, I was working as a … "  Which is to say, my dilettantism.  Really, he influenced me a great deal.

The other mention was in August of 2007, right before I left for Korea.  I was "catching up" with the abandoned coworkers of past jobs, and we had lunch at the Inka Grill in Costa Mesa, a place which I shall always associate with "lunch with Tyler."  Especially now.

I made several efforts to get back in touch with him since coming to Korea.  Not really concerted efforts, though.  And now, I've learned, he died at some point last year, so perhaps my efforts were already "too late."  I knew he'd had some health issues, and he was definitely quite a bit older than I am… he was a Vietnam vet, after all.  Still…

I will remember him as a good teacher, at least, of technical things.  A man of extraordinary insight into human character, if somewhat impatient and cynical, himself.  Generous to a fault with those whom he respected, and downright ornery with those whom he didn't.  Not a talented manager, but highly organized and capable of lots of innovative thoughts.  From personal experience, an indispensable person to have on your side during a difficult business meeting, and a great person to have on your team when trying to meet an impossible deadline.   Thanks, Tyler.  I miss you.

Caveat: 主體

I had this weird dream the other day, right as I was waking up. The dream had this unidentified guru-like person, who was advising me to practice “Juche” as a means to personal growth and salvation. He was pointing to a page with the Chinese characters for it (see title-line).

But then Ken interrupted (Ken is the archetype interrupter, in Jared’s dreamland), and I lost dream-traction… vaguely.

“Juche” (주체) is the Korean name for the official ideology of North Korea, as formulated by Kim Il-sung and his son, Kim Jong-il. It’s 2 parts Stalinism, 2 parts fascism, 1 part maoism, and 1 part feudalism.  Well, that’s my own take on it.

Kim’s folly. Literally, it means something like “corism,” as in, “the ideology of core” or “ideology of the main subject.” But generally it’s translated as “self-reliance,” as it is strongly autarkic in character.

Interestingly, when I looked in the naver.com dictionary, I discovered that 주체 can also mean “indigestion caused by drinking” and also “a burden.”  Nice bit of homonymy. Courtesy naver.com:

주체(主體) the subject;the main body;【중심】the core;the nucleus;『법』 the main constituent
주체(酒滯) indigestion from[caused by] drinking
주체 a burden;a bother;a handful ―하다 cope with[take care of] one´s burden

It was strange that it was the Chinese hanja that were in the dream, since North Korea no longer uses Chinese characters – their banning was, in fact, part of the culturally self-reliant practice of Juche, as it was developed in the 60’s in reaction to the Sino-Soviet split.

Speaking of weapons of mass destruction (we were speaking of weapons of mass destruction?), check out this “fake 404” from the run-up to the 2003 invasion of Iraq. It made me laugh.

Other notes from studying Korean:

시(時) o´clock;time;hour (I recognized the hanja for this on a sign, recently.  It was a cool feeling.)


CaveatDumpTruck Logo

Caveat: Already Torn

The weather is very springlike.  As I walked to work today, following my random, right-angled, zig-zag path among the apartment highrises and playgrounds and plazas and shopping streets of my neighborhood, Natalie Imbruglia's cover of "Torn" shuffled onto my MP3 player.  I hadn't heard that in a while.  It was popular on the radio in the summer of 1998, and so it sort of gave me a flashback to a very bad period.

I think it was what was playing on the radio as I drove away from the apartment in Lansdale that Michelle, Jeffrey and I shared, that August.  That was the last time I saw Michelle.  We'd argued all weekend.  On Sunday afternoon, I vividly recall Michelle and I sat down and agreed we would be separating.  I think she used the word "trial separation," but all I said was "we need to be apart."

But that night, I was angry, frustrated, depressed, restless.  And after she'd left for work the next morning, and Jeffrey had gone to school, I made a snap decision.  It was a cruel, selfish decision, but I felt trapped and helpless, and my reaction so often in such situations is to simply run away.  So I packed a few things into a bag, got into the car, and began to drive.

And this song "Torn" was on the radio as I got onto the Northeast Extension of the Pennsylvania Turnpike and headed toward King of Prussia.  I had no plan whatsoever, except I wanted to go away.

By sunset, I was in northern Virginia, and the sun rose over Memphis the next morning.  Two days later I was in Mexicali, a week after that, I was at my dad's in Los Angeles.  By the middle of September I was in Craig, Alaska.  That was a bad move, in retrospect.  But… I'd escaped. Such as escaping is.

And now, when I hear that song, it's a very difficult thing to remember.  Michelle is gone.  Jeffrey's an adult, independent, functional.  The damage – so much damage, I'm sure – is long done. 

…I'm already torn…

What I'm listening to right now.

[youtube embed added 2011 as part of background noise.  The video is dumb.  But I like the song.]

Caveat: Retail in Wabasha

Sometimes I have strange little "commercials" in my dreams, esthetically influenced by the quick edits and banal content of television advertising.  I've had them as long as I can remember, though I suspect they originated during my early teenage years when I had a habit of falling asleep while listening to top 40 radio.  Somehow, the periodic commercial breaks of that radio format, with the additional influence of 1970's network television, percolated into my subconscious and entrenched itself there permanently, so that, even now, decades later, sometimes my dreams have commercial breaks.  Call them dreammercials.

Last night's (or rather, this early morning's) dreammercial was for a children's board game called "Retail in Wabasha."  I think this is the consequence of reading some newspaper article about the desperate state of small-town America retail during the current economic downturn.  But where did Wabasha come from?  That's an Arcata-sized town on the Mississippi Rivier in Minnesota, a few hours southeast from Minneapolis.  But Wabasha wasn't specifically in the article I read. 

The dreammercial begins with an aerial view pan moving up the Mississippi at dusk.  The lights of the little houses below are coming on.  It's a Wintery landscape, everything thickly blanketed in snow.  An announcer's voices proclaims:  "Imagine you're trying to run your own retail establishment somewhere in America's heartland!"

Quick cut to children and parents clustered cozily around a kitchen table.  Pure stereotypes:  Mom, Dad, 2.1 children, the cute dog grinning up from below.  They're playing a board game.  There's one of those clear plastic bubbles that "rolls dice" for you without releasing the dice into the environment — a gimick that allows them to charge more for dice.  And one of the children rolls and excitedly moves a token on the board.  The details of the board are not clear.  It looks a bit like Snakes n Ladders.  Hmm… maybe it should look like Monopoly.

Quick cut to a woman in a small shop at a desolate-looking mall.  She's counting inventory with a clipboard.  1, 2, 3 green dresses.  1, 2 yellow dresses.  She's slightly overweight, and looks chipper.  A customer comes in.  The announcer drones on about something.

Quick cut to the family playing the game at the table.  The Dad says, "Thank goodness for the women's clothing sector!"  He grins triumphantly, and moves his token on the board.  The boy frowns, clearly having lost a turn in some way.

Cheerful music swells.  The announcer says some more.  Quick cut to a reverse aerial pan away from wintery Wabasha.  Second cut to a picture of the game in its box on a shelf in a big-box store, and the same family choosing the game and putting it into their shopping cart.

"So much fun!" suggests the announcer.  "Enjoy it today," or something like that.  The title of the game, on the box, as the camera comes in for a close-up: "Retail in Wabasha."

Really?  I have dreams like that?  Disturbing.  And… even more disturbing, I'm not embarrassed to share them with the world?  Heh.  What does the dream mean?

Maybe it was the homemade kimchibokkeumbap I had for dinner last night.  It was delicious.

Caveat: Think stupid. Get it stuck!

Today is blazingly bright, clear, sunny, windy, cold. It is just above freezing, probably, and the air is unusually damp, not like the normal cold, dry wind that comes with such clear days.  It was raining yesterday, and today, puddles sparkle and you hear birds singing, and you can smell the pines.
For some reason the smell of the pines brings back strong, vivid memories of December, 1990.
I had completed MOS (occupational, or “advanced”) training to be an Army mechanic, at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.  But the top 15 graduates of the MOS class were retained for an additional month of “recovery specialist” field training, and I was one of them.  As the first gulf war was winding up with terrifying speed in Kuwait, our little platoon lived in two tents in the South Carolina woods for that month of December.
HEMTT_Wrecker_and_Cargo It was cold and damp but often sunny in the afternoons, and we alternated between simulated infantry/combat type situations and vehicle recovery operations (basically, “how to drive and operate a giant green tow truck”).  I was really bad at the infantry work… whenever I was in charge of my squad, I tended to make grave tactical errors and/or proved too cautious.  But I was very good at vehicle recovery.
One day, our training sergeant had us lined up one bright morning, when the weather was exactly like it was this morning walking to work.  As a reward for something I’d accomplished, he said, “Way [remember, in the Army, you have no first name], I want you to take that vehicle out into the swamp and get it stuck.”  He gestured at one of the two HEMTT’s our training unit had.  This was a rare privilege.
I climbed into the cab, the sergeant got in as shotgun.  I fired it up, and we drove it out into the swamp.  These are not easy vehicles to “get stuck.”  They are 8-wheel-drive, with the first two pairs of wheels linked to the hydraulic steering system.  The tires are at least 4 feet in diameter.  We scooted it back and forth in the muck, and the sergeant yelled at me if I got too timid.  “Don’t be too smart, Way.  Think stupid.  Get it stuck!”
Finally, the front end resting in the water to a depth that covered the top of the front tires and was seeping into the cab, we had it completely immobilized, all eight wheels spinning and throwing up massive quantities of mud.  “Damn good,” muttered the sergeant.
And we spent the rest of the day with winches and two tow trucks, getting the thing out. Those were my best days in the Army.
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Caveat: The Line 3 Show

seoul subway.  the old lady got on at apgujeong.  she had two enormous duffel bags strapped onto a dilapidated two-wheel baggage cart, with some plastic bags on top.  it was almost as tall as she was.  it fell down on the floor of the subway car.  one of the metal pieces of the baggage cart's frame had broken, and she was struggling to improvise a way to connect the two ends, separated by 10 cm of bulging black duffel.  she had a jar of something… and was pounding on one end, while trying to hold down the bulge.  a tiny, well-dressed woman began to help… then a kind-looking man in a brown suit jacket got involved… then a tall man in a nylon pale green ski jacket started helping too, and he was talking in soft, gentle tones to the frustrated old woman.  here in the vast city, these people were showing a unwonted kindness to the old woman, and to each other.  others looked on:  in bemusement, amusement, or sheer pleasure at seeing such an odd drama unfolding.  various solutions to the problem of the separated metal parts were tried, one after the other.  people were offering advice or suggestions… it was so interesting.  there was a point when the problem seemed solved.  i exchanged grins with the kind-looking man in the brown suit jacket.  but it was a false finish.  the woman began tugging her cart, and the pieces separated again.  second round… the man in the ski jacket used a key from the key-ring attached to his cellphone to widen the aperture of one of the rusted metal ends of the cart, and successfully forced the metal part in, again.  the small well-dressed woman sat forcefully on the bulging pile, to get the two ends closer together.  the old woman pounded on the bottom end with her jar, while the kind-looking man held things in place.  at last, the cart seemed well-fixed, again.  they stood it upright, while the entire subway car barely refrained from breaking out in applause.

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