Category: Banalities & Journaling

i slept a lot more than usual the past 24 hrs. a 2 hr nap yesterday at midday, plus more than 8 hrs over night. im supposing this is the alleged fatigue setting in. i felt some definite fatigue at work yesterday too, along with the really burning mouth, so i left early. 

but in the present moment i feel rested and energetic and in good, positive spirits. ive always liked that word in that usage: spirits. "spirit" just means breath, etymologically. so: "good, positive breathing." 

nevertheless, i dont really like other, related usages. "spirituality" is overused and has become a vague catch-all. i actually prefer the term "religiosity," even as applied to my own buddhist atheism.

off to number 11. zzzap.

for some reason i was moving too slowly this morning, despite waking up at my regular time, which is around 630. so i ended up feeling rushed and late getting to my 9 am appointment. so arrived less calm than usual. . stressed and frustrated. i started coughing as i was about to strap down.

it was difficult to relax and stay still. . most difficult session so far, and i feel really desequilibriated and grumpy. . splitting headache, postnasal drip with painfully dry mouth at the same time.

waiting to see dr jo (radiotherepy specialist) for thursday consult.

i saw a man walking on the street yesterday with an iv cart. . carrying it rather than rolling it, due to some rough pavement. he looked like a pole vaulter, but he was smoking a cigarette. i dont think patients trudling their iv stands around outdoors is so common in the US, but it strikes me as more common here. . certainly, due to my own recent experience, i notice it more, especially near hospitals.

one thing im glad for, during this radiation treatment, is that i dont have be constantly injected with stuff.

now number seven.

what if the main and most notable side effect of the radiation treatment was a generalized, unfocused grumpiness?

ive been feeling that feeling a lot lately. i suppose its connected to a correspondingly generalized, unfocused feeling of being "under the weather." but as i attempt to travel a day trip to ganghwa with my brother and hollye, i cant help but be conscious of how short my temper is, and how easily i succumb to feelings of frustration or annoyance.

why is it easier to find equanimity in a hospital in a radiation machine than it is on a bus with andrew? that doesnt seem logical.

I woke up this morning with a very vaguely nauseated feeling. Probably something I wouldn't have even noticed, normally, or something I would have associated with feeling a bit tired or just unmotivated to eat breakfast as sometimes happens. But currently undergoing radiation treatment, it's natural to want to read more into it. I quickly magnified it into all kinds of half-hypochondrical fantasies, and found it hard to eat breakfast. I texted to Andrew and let him know that I was deciding not to try to do an overnight adventure this weekend, as we had somewhat discussed and half-planned.

Walking to work, however, the nauseated feeling seemed to fade.

Later, at work, I felt that way again, however. Not bad, just sort of a background feeling of wooziness. Teaching was effortful – lecturing for a full hour with a dry mouth proved a bit of a challange, but I solved it by keeping a cup of water handy. And actually, both my classes today felt very successful and I was happy with them.

After work, I went over to my "old" apartment, where Andrew and Hollye are staying, and had a lunch of a very large and diverse salad, of the sort almost impossible to find in Korea except at higher end, very westernized restaurants maybe – the sort of restaurant I rarely frequent, anyway. I almost never make such salads for myself, because making salads for oneself always seems to lead to a lot of wastage of vegetables over the longer term. So it was good to have it, and delicious.

Then I packed up a suitcase and rolled it over to my "new" apartment, and here I am, posting to this here blog thingy. It's been a long break between updates – almost 24 hours, which, in recent times, I don't generally let happen.

I'm feeling far from the top of my game, but I'm hanging in there. More later.

its a bit as if im lying on an altar, encased in a suit of plastic, my eyes and mouth sealed closed, and then these hightech priests sprinkled highenergy photons around my head like a kind of massless, ethereal holywater.

clickclickclick pause clickclick pause

my ears' stereo perception allows me to sense it as it moves around me in randomly paced arcs, always counterclockwise. . .

To celebrate the liberation of Korea from the yoke of Japanese Imperialism, I will not be bombarded with high-energy photons today.

I had intended to sleep in, but as those who know me are aware, I'm not always very good at sleeping in. So… good morning.

Perhaps a nap, later?

I definitely have enough of a headache to assume it's residual of the radiotherapy and not just something unrelated, especially as unlike most headaches it seems rooted in my jaw. I don't want this to become a litany of whining or complaint, but I did set out to document my "cancer experience" as best I could, so I'm trying to present things as they happen.

More later, then.

After sitting around for a while after getting home from yesterday afternoon's first radiation therapy session, I felt restless. Not energetic, exactly, but it was a kind of impatience. Part of the problem is that I sit there thinking and worrying too much.

"Is that little itch on the side of my neck a symptom of the therapy, or just a little itch on the side of my neck?" … "How about that strange feeling in the side of my mouth?" … "How about that momentary ringing sound in my ears?" These are the bodily "ghosts" and passing sensations that we experience all the time, if we sit and "listen" to our bodies at any time, but now, I have this giant thing to worry about, to wonder how it's affecting me.

It's not to say I'm not experiencing some symptoms. The slight burning sensation on my neck or in my mouth matches what was suggested. But even that, I have to wonder… am I feeling it, in part, because it was suggested? As a long practicing semi-pseudo-meta-hypochondriac (don't ask me what, exactly, I mean by that), this is going to prove a difficult time, I think.

So last night, Andrew and I ran some errands, and stopped in a 김밥천국 [kimbap heaven = Korean fastfood chain] for some 콩국수 [kongguksu = soy milk cold noodle soup with egg and veggies], which I had been craving. Not as good as at a "real" restaurant, but the fast food version satisfies the craving more or less.

We ended up walking a few kilometers, because Andrew wanted to buy a giant fan to compensate for the fact that we may need to get the air conditioning unit repaired in my new apartment. But this being Korea, with the summer season in full swing, giant fans seemed hard to come by. They're all sold out and not restocked, because why would someone wait until now to buy a fan? They'll re-appear next spring, right?

It was funny, because Andrew now seems to have the thankfully short-lived cold that I had last week. The consequence is that he was the one who said, "OK, let's stop walking," rather than me. He remarked that there was some irony that I would be the one to want to keep walking, being the alleged cancer patient.

I slept restlessly, waking up several times.

At one point, I dreamed I was trying interview some military official, but he refused to speak a language I could understand. I kept trying out snippets of different languages, and his language would shift, and become imcomprehensible.

Now it's morning. I have session number two in a few hours. I'll have breakfast and Andrew and I will head over to the hospital.