caveat: baked patato party (of one)

this morning i kind of got a little bit angry with the nurse, not at her but over all the frustration with the hospitals failed attmpts to understand my dietary situation. their latest boneheaded idea appeared yesterday, when all my meals began showing up finely chopped into dangerously ironic rice-sized pieces.

i know theyre just trying to help. so after finishing that bowl of rice as a sheer self-torture execise, i told the nurse “just give me the regular food. take away all the special flags.”

lunch was regular and fine. i ate the good parts, skipped the bad, supplemented with some fruit and yogurt, and called it easy. and now at 3pm, for the first time since here, they offered me an afternoon snack. ive seen other patients receiving these. im not sure if its a sunday special or part of the “regular” menu i demanded this morning.

what was my snack?

a baked potato. koreans eat these plain as finger food. so, per my friend dougs request, i had a baked potato party. unfortunately, he wasnt here. maybe next time.

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caveat: 30 years on

this weekend im missing my 30th high school reunion. i wasnt intending to attend – the trip from seoul to humboldt isnt exactly convenient – but through the wonders of the facebook i can watch the reunion unfold anyway.. i had some close friends in high school, but i wasnt particularly social, and in watching my class facebook group im shocked by how many names i simply dont even recognize.

high school, looking back, isnt as painful to remember as the experience seemed at the moment of experiencing it. unlike many people, ive never been one to say “id never do high school again,” but likewise im not the sort to yearn to do it again either. i suppose like many, ive occasionally indulged a fantasy based on the premise “if only i knew then what i know now, why THEN id have a good time in high school.” but i suspect its a bit of a false premise.

ive done a great deal in my life but im still a deeply shy, nerdy guy at heart and im not even interested in changing that at this point. i was proud to be a nerd, even then, and so mostly now im more at peace with my shyness – not to mention my many coping strategies that mean many people dont even realize just how socially awkward i am on the inside.

likely if i went back with todays brain the only big difference would be in my feeling about it rather than big changes in behavior. i really made very few big mistakes in high school – i saved those for college, where with todays brain i can be certain id behave quite differently.

mostly what i feel right now is OLD. i know relative to many im not, but there is nothing quite like sitting in a cancer ward to foreground ones mortality.

i stole this picture below (if it comes through) from the arcata high school facebook group. . . . good old arcata. ive lived so many places. now my home is northwest seoul but ill be back sometime to tromp that eccentric town, stirring up ghosts and making new traces.

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caveat: ten half orbits equals one kilometer

when i walk around the ward pushing my little IV-stand, i refer to it as orbiting. its part boredom relief, part exercise, but in itself its pretty monotonous, too.

ive realized the hospital has posted little signs that calibrate on the elevator lobby, showing distances. a single triangle-shaped "orbit" of the tenth floor is 155 meters. but before noticing this id already worked out my own calibration. i prefer to do a "half-orbit" which cuts off most of the west ward where all the most depressing chemo patients seem to be, and by counting paces id concluded that a half-orbit was almost exactly 100 meters (so on the floor plan its more like a two-thirds-orbit).

thats a very convenient number, because i can know that ten half-orbits make a kilometer, etc. so i just walked a kilometer. im going to shoot for two or three each day (20~30 half-orbits), thus equaling my daily walking commute to work.

caveat: the fundamental goodness of people

im not sure if this kind of thing is really about fundamental goodness or rather the goodness of specific people but either way i found it confirmational.

almost a decade ago i had a coworker at aramark corp named tracy. she was an accounts rep of some kind, while i was in my eccentric role of data analyst / programmer / billing troubleshooter. we didnt work together particularly closely, and i even recall a run-in or two over some passionately held opposing ideas about what might be right for a customer. we never interacted socially outside of work. you could say we were colleagues but not truly friends.

and yet despite this social and temporal distance, yesterday at facebookland tracy took the time to write the following.

>Waking up today I clicked on a link my friend posted. He shares links all the time but in the daily hussle and bussle of life, I've never read them. Today I clicked on the link about "fruit" of all things…only to learn that this is his blog and he has cancer! To say I'm sad and upset right now is an understatement! This is a person that I think highly of…he's smart, very funny, kind and one of the many blessings you hope to come across in your life!! Today I'm sending prayers for a speedy recovery and trying to pull myself together! If anyone can turn this around and be cancer free it's him! Sending you lots of love, hugs and positive thoughts Jared!!!!!

i am flattered beyond belief. to imagine that after a decade there are coworkers who remember me on these terms and will take the time all these years later to express them to me truly warms my heart.

kindness repays kindness repays kindness. . . ad infinitum. humanity aint such a bad thing as long as we do the right thing.

caveat: fruit

ever since my major surgery i have been craving fruit: apples, peaches, blueberries, apricots, even fruit i dont normally prefer, like plums and grapes. andrew and my friends have been accommodating, too, so ive been eating a lot of fruit.

this evening my friend seungbae stopped by and brought even more. i consumed a peach and some watermelon.

what i wonder is what this craving represents. ive always believed that strong food cravings generally mean the body knows about something it needs. what does the fruit represent?

what im listening to right now.

[link to track to be added later.]

Foster the People, "Helena Beat."

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