the window beside my bed showcases a misty, rainy jeongbal hill, at the heart of ilsan.
Day: July 22, 2013
caveat: strong enough
i had a long consult downstairs during midmorning. dr ryu was pretty firm about discharge thursday afternoon, after my "practice run" radiation that is planned for thursday morning (low radiation, calibrating their gadgets to the shape of my head, etc.). im excited by the prospect of discharge.
they removed the last of the stitches in my forearm. that was a rather painful and drawn out process – there were originally hundreds of stitches that have been removed in stages. andrew said it looked like a sharkbite scar. i could see that. the only stitches left, of the five surgical sites on my body, are a couple stitches that are helping to close my tracheal opening that was made for the oxygen tube.
the happiest news, for me, in the present moment, is that after recounting to dr ryu my tale of hol(e)y woe and the multiperforations from yesterday, he asked some questions about my eating situation and imperiously ordered the nursing staff to remove my iv. well. . . the externals were removed – but thats the worst part – ill still have a spigot in my arm for medicine delivery. but thats ok. im free of the trundly five-wheeled too-skinny demon!
at one point, talking about the radiation, dr ryu said something to the effect of, "its important for patients to have recovered their strength."
i said soneting like, "well ill work hard on getting stronger," having interpreted his statement as a kind of indirect advice or caution.
a strange expression crossed his face, more serious and reflective than before. "oh. . . youre strong enough. . . . strong enough." perhaps it was in part a reference to my notable strong-willed attitude, which has been sufficient to create some small conflict between us on a few occasions. i have very much come to like dr ryus subtle humor.
caveat: life art
only four weeks ago this morning, i heard the words "you have cancer."
things have moved incredibly fast – because of the size and location of the tumor, within a week i was in the hospital and two days after that i was in an operating room undergoing very major surgery. i have attemped to record the subsequent blur of recovery, the moments of elation ("im still alive!") and despair and neverending frustration.
when i started this blog in 2004 i never dreamed of putting it to such a purpose as this. but through this month this blog has provided me with a kind of anchor – to my friends and family, to my pre-cancer self, and to my intended future, too.
my mother commented this morning, in an email: she described my blog as "life art of very beautiful delineation." though its from my own mother, it still strikes me as high praise – i have indeed felt happily humbled by some of the effusive feedback received.
caveat: trauma and anxiety
i have never thought of myself as a particularly high strung or anxious person, but these weeks of trauma have certainly brought to my awareness tendencies toward anxiety that i have at times found difficult to manage.
having andrew here has helped, as he can sometimes be very calming – in those moments when hes not having his own anxieties.
what im listening to right now.
[link to track to be posted later when im not posting from my phone.]
Trauma Pet, "You Cannot Feel This."
caveat: korean cancer language camp
one of the positive highlights of yesterdays generally not-so-positive day was that i think i had the longest sustained conversation in korean that i have ever had. it lasted nearly 4 minutes, with a nurse who speaks fairly crystaline korean and who has the rare but encouraging habit of changing her vocabulary when she sees i dont understand, rather than just repeating the same words more loudly or slowly. i gave at least 8 sentences, and she gave quite a bit more than that.
what could possibly be the downside? the conversation was entirely about my urinary and bowel moving habits.
sigh. whodda thunk? this korean cancer language camp sure is strange. . . why did i enroll here, again?
caveat: hol(e)y hol(e)y hol(e)y
three more failed iv perforations this afternoon. were on number eight. my arm has many holes. . . i am become hol(e)y.
depressing difficult day because of that.
i did thirty half orbits today – thats 3 km. goodnight.