Day: July 13, 2013

caveat: running out of words

Banalities & Journaling / Cancer / Language & Linguistics / Life is a Dream / Philosophy & Cultural Criticism

i awoke from a dream at about five am. in and of itself, that is a great sign, as with rare exceptions i dont sleep well enough at night these days to even be able to dream in my normal way.

but the dream was completely disorienting. they wanted to prepare me for a new surgery. the doctors were using these little tags to identify potential problems and to get a feel for my psychological state . . this last was important because the surgery was to be a kind of brain surgery.

but they were imposing a maddening rule – every word i used on the little tags could only be used once. over and over i would be confronted with a situation like this: i would write a word on the tag in answer to a question and be told, you already used that word. someone would point to the tag where the word was used in the vast proliferation of tags.

i kept trying to find multilingual synonyms. . i would write one time "pee" and be told nope you used that. "urine" id venture. . nope. hmm, "소변"? no look its written down here. why cant you do this?. . you need to help us to take care of you but how can we when you cant do this simple thing? finally, "orina" and a dismissive smile but quickly dissolving into a new unanswerable question.

the dream went on and on like that. . . a linguists nightmare hospital stay. do you realize how dangerous this will be if you dont have the right labels?

crying tears of impotence.

caveat: stone leaf leaf stone?

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Cancer

there are days like today when i feel a little stalled. small improvements, but also small degredations. i had the staples removed from my neck, so im a mite less frankensteiny now. but i struggled to eat my meals . . . each swallowed bite is a three or four minute victory. there is a sense of elation at the conclusion of a meal, only to see that ive eaten twenty percent of the food on the tray during more than an hours hard work.

i lie thinking about an interesting metaphor. there are zen-like proverbs which assert either:

1) be like a leaf in a stream.

2) be like a stone in a stream.

each of these, alone, merely affirms our need to be at peace in the stream of the world. but they arent identical. . . a leaf is tossed on the surface, always going somewhere but little control of where; a stone sinks to the bottom and holds its own against the current, but gives up any mobility.

i thought, maybe in one moment, i can be a leaf, and in another, a stone? like a sort of submarine hybridized with a hang glider, the stoneleaf could rise and float the calm, easy or predictable spots, and in rough water plunge to the bottom like a stone. within a single axis of control, a skilled leafstone could go anywhere it wished.

its not total control . . far from it. its just a single dimension. . an attitude "switch" that allows for goal-centered activity within the broader boundaries of lifes stream.

i lie here tossed by lifes stream, but i have a goal: to continue living. so in this moment, does being a stone or being a leaf better suit my goal?

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