there are days like today when i feel a little stalled. small improvements, but also small degredations. i had the staples removed from my neck, so im a mite less frankensteiny now. but i struggled to eat my meals . . . each swallowed bite is a three or four minute victory. there is a sense of elation at the conclusion of a meal, only to see that ive eaten twenty percent of the food on the tray during more than an hours hard work.
i lie thinking about an interesting metaphor. there are zen-like proverbs which assert either:
1) be like a leaf in a stream.
2) be like a stone in a stream.
each of these, alone, merely affirms our need to be at peace in the stream of the world. but they arent identical. . . a leaf is tossed on the surface, always going somewhere but little control of where; a stone sinks to the bottom and holds its own against the current, but gives up any mobility.
i thought, maybe in one moment, i can be a leaf, and in another, a stone? like a sort of submarine hybridized with a hang glider, the stoneleaf could rise and float the calm, easy or predictable spots, and in rough water plunge to the bottom like a stone. within a single axis of control, a skilled leafstone could go anywhere it wished.
its not total control . . far from it. its just a single dimension. . an attitude "switch" that allows for goal-centered activity within the broader boundaries of lifes stream.
i lie here tossed by lifes stream, but i have a goal: to continue living. so in this moment, does being a stone or being a leaf better suit my goal?