i am aware of the negative turn my recent blogthought has taken. to be clear, i retain my core optimism about surviving this process. ultimately, it may be the long, drawn-out nature of radiation that is most difficult for me. the constant waiting for it to finish, for new predicted symptoms to appear, for existing symptoms to worsen.
my personality type is better adapted to quickly-finished challenges like catastrophic surgeries, that i can push through and beyond with short bursts of energy.
and as weird as this might sound, i prefer terrible pain to chronic discomfort, if the pain has a sooner end than the discomfort. discomfort with a long-term benefit at the end is equally meaningless to me. . . hence my fraught relationship with most forms of exercise, for example.
walking and hiking are the huge exceptions that i take as proof of that "rule of discomfort." i meditate while i walk, letting the rhythm of my footfalls structure my phrases and affirmations ("mantras"). ive so much come to rely on the calming effects of my solitary walking that my heart falls slightly when people offer to accompany me. i really do seem to have a solitary soul.
having said all that, my heart fell, too, when i was compelled to take a taxi to session this morning due to running late, which is a result of my seeming slow-motion approach to breakfast these days.
here i go. . . radiation therapy session number 16 of 30.
may all metastases be nonmalignant.