“I bow in repentance of the ties that become like an evil destiny due to arrogance.”
This is #20 out of a series of 108 daily Buddhist affirmations that I am attempting to translate with my hands tied behind my back (well not really that, but I’m deliberately not seeking out translations on the internet, using only dictionary and grammar).
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18. 성냄으로 인해 악연이 된 인연들에게 참회하며 절합니다.
“I bow in repentance of the ties that become like an evil destiny due to anger.”
19. 모진 말로 인해 악연이 된 인연들에게 참회하며 절합니다.
“I bow in repentance of the ties that become like an evil destiny due to harsh words.”
20. 교만 함으로 인해 악연이 된 인연들에게 참회하며 절합니다.
I would read this twentieth affirmation as: “I bow in repentance of the ties that become like an evil destiny due to arrogance.”
Arrogance. My issue with arrogance is complicated. I don’t really feel that it is one of my major problems – but I know that almost anyone who knows me would say that they suspect it is.
Which is to say, I think many of those around me perceive me as arrogant. I’m intellectually prideful, yes. I can’t deny that. And I talk “down” to people because of my vocabulary, and my refusal to conceal my weird, academic interests in normal conversation. And for people who don’t understand what being a nerd really is like, I’m sure that that comes off as arrogant. The point is – I really do talk that way. I really do think that way. I really do have those interests – I’m not showing off or using it to push people away. I’d much rather talk about linguistic theory or geopolitics than sports or food. I’m sorry. Is that arrogant, for me to want to talk about my interests?
Hmm, there’s another aspect. Which is that I am judgmental. I mean… I come off that way. But that’s not really meant, either. Again – I’m merely expressing what’s interesting to me, and, in the area of “judgment”… well, I have strong values – strong ideas about what’s right or wrong, what’s appropriate. It can be difficult to set aside (or more accurately, to avoid expressing) those values when in conversation with people who don’t seem to share them. But I try.
Really, if I re-read the above, it just comes off as more arrogance. Why does assertively stating ones feelings come off as arrogance? Is the key simply to “shut up”? Is it only possible to be humble with one’s mouth shut? Maybe. This is more plausible than I’d like to admit.
On the other hand, just because I’m intellectually prideful doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with self-confidence in other areas. Lately, I’ve been very anti-social. Avoiding people. Feeling unmotivated. On retreat.
Inadequate as a teacher, unskilled in language acquisition, lazy as an artist.
Can’t.
Won’t.
