this is a place holder sent from my phone. i guess i did something stupid and now not only do i have problems with my phone but with my comp too. so my ability to post to my blog is limited. im fine – maybe its just a message from fate to keep my life low tech for the holiday. see you later and merry buddhamas.
Category: Banalities & Journaling
Caveat: 아이도 사랑하는 대로 붙는다
Ya kids. …
This is an aphorism from my aphorism book.
아이도 사랑하는 대로 붙는다
a·i·do sa·rang·ha·neun dae·ro but·neun·da
child-TOO love-PRESPART ASSOONAS-ABL take-side-of-PRES
As soon as the child is loved [he] takes [your] side.
The aphorism book had 데로 but I really think it’s a typo (or alternate spelling?), because there’s nothing in my grammar book about a nominal particle 데 plus ablative, whereas 대 + 로 have a plethora of possible meanings in many different constructions involving preceeding verb participles or nouns. So in my transcription of this aphorism I have presumed to make a “correction” – I hope it’s the right thing to do.
I chose this aphorism because it was one about children that was closest in spirit to the idea behind Korea’s “Children’s Day” which is a national holiday dedicated to kids – I would say the American holiday that comes closest in spirit is maybe Halloween, which is basically for kids too, but Children’s Day isn’t loaded with historical / vaguely spiritual baggage – just a day for kids to do fun things and not have to go to school. Parents take their kids to the park, to various activities, etc., and gifts are generally given to them, too.
According to the book, what the aphorism means is that people will support you when you treat them with kindness and respect. That’s a good thought.
The irony, in my opinion, is that if you’re not a kid and you don’t have any, it’s a kind of boring day where you feel out of place no matter where you go or what you do. So I just sat in my apartment, kidless, and battled my phone, which is having its battery problem again (it thinks its battery is empty when it’s fully charged).
What I’m listening to right now.
Muse, “Sunburn.” I like this song but I had never seen the video until just now posting. I don’t like it and it’s probably a little bit inappropriate for Children’s Day. Oh well.
[daily log: what?]
[Note: this post was written on the date and time shown on the post, but due to technical difficulties I was unable to publish it until 2014-05-07 14:40.]
Caveat: 10 Months Cancer Free
It was a strange day. The weather felt weirdly midwestern. I took a walk in the morning it was quite windy but already warm. Then, lacking motivation, I forgot to eat (as I often do on days off when I do not need energy and can be lazy). It is a bad habit, I know. Food is such a hassle, and when my body does not demand it, I have little interest. Oops. . . I had said no more ranting about food. Well, but. . . it is what I deal with. Actually aside from that (or because of it?), I had a very relaxing day. I have dedicated this weekend to one of my more obscure, bizarre hobbies: world-building. Basically, imagine writing only the appendices to Tolkien or Frank Herbert, without the novels. It has been a sometime hobby of mine since childhood – it is good escapism.
[daily log: walking, 3 km]
Caveat: Three Whole Days
Because of the unusual alignment of the lunar and solar calendars (chinese/korean traditional vs gregorian), I turn out to have a three day weekend. Childrens day is monday and Buddha’s birthday is tuesday.
I have no plans. I will relish my solitude.
Caveat: Ah Nevermind
There is some irony in the fact that two days after making a longish, melancholic post about the prevalence of alcohol consumption in Korean society and my own awkward relationship with it, I went out on hoe-sik (회식) again with coworkers last night and managed to consume as much alcohol as I have in many years.
I was trying to eat "normally" with everyone, and for whatever reason, I was using beer rather than water to "wash it down" – the washing it down is the only way to eat so many foods for me, but using beer was something I should perhaps be more careful about, as I managed to get quite drunk. I didn't really act weird. I just kind of abruptly said I needed to go home and walked home (it was close) and immediately went to sleep. But the "hangover" effect this morning was unpleasant. Sigh.
Well, my coworkers had been insisting, and now they got me to do it. I'm not sure it was very satisfying for them – I didn't get weird or belligerent or philosophical or anything interesting, which is probably what they were hoping. Ah, nevermind.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Orphan Black Found
When I was in the hospital last summer, my former coworker Grace gave me a bunch of tv shows to watch – mp4's and avi's on a thumb drive. One show that she gave me that I never watched last summer was a show called Orphan Black. 
Recently, I started watching the episodes and found myself getting into it. I downloaded the more recent episodes and this morning I caught up to the most recent episode available. Contrary to my initial impression that it was a mediocre Canadian production in the sci-fi/thriller genre category, the series is in fact extremely well-written and well-acted too. Since the show is about clones, many of the lead roles all belong to one actress, and she does a good job switching back and forth. I've become quite riveted by the series, and recommend it.
[daily log: walking, 2.5 km]
Caveat: Pessimistic Optimist
My friend Peter – one of the few regular readers of this blog – remarked to me earlier today that I was a much more optimistic person in person than as conveyed in this blog.
This was a striking observation to me, because my personal impression of my own character and situation had always actually been somewhat opposite: that I was more pessimistic in person than in the blog.
Then again, there are other times when people have observed that I seem like a fairly content and happy person, despite my protestations to the contrary. This is true, for example, of my students, who seem to almost universally perceive me to be the "happy teacher."
I guess it's good that I can can come across that way. I'm not sure what it means, nor am I sure which is more "true." I have reflected sometimes – and joked – that I am a "pessimistic optimist" meaning that I am at core an optimistic person, but that I have a thick veneer of pessimism, partly as a matter of self-defence and partly just by virtue of the "Gillidette" personality type I inherited from my mother's side.
Whatever. I am both depressed and discouraged by life in the present moment, yet I continue to live day-to-day in a fairly steadfast manner that includes a lot of play and "fun" with my students.
[daily log: walking, 8.5km]
Caveat: Remains of Spring
I had been thinking, some days ago, how dry this spring seemed to me. Promptly, it began to rain later that day, and we have been having this sort of on-and-off drizzle ever since. Very Humboldty.
I was at the hospital for a portion of the morning. I didn't get a diagnosis – I have to go back and see the diagnostician tomorrow – they were not as efficient with their scheduling as they normally are, and there was some conflict between scheduling the scans and reviewing the results. So I'll get to see Dr Jo tomorrow morning.
Meanwhile, I get to experience suspense.
Oh, and teach 6 classes today. Really… the most exhausting part of the scans is that I have to fast (not eat) for the half-day beforehand, which leaves me feeling ennervated. The contrast medium injection is uncomfortable and a little bit freaky as you experience it entering your system, but I'm pretty used to it and I can recover quickly from that particular aspect.
I slept extra hours over the weekend so that I would have some reserve of energy to plow into a full-time week of work (first full week back to the full-time schedule with the end of the middle-school 내신 [exam prep]) front-ended by this hospital visit, but I felt really tired anyway. Oh well.
Walking from the hospital to work today, straight from my appointments, I saw a tree that had discarded the vast majority of its blossoms due to the rain, I guess. These are the remains of spring. The picture doesn't really capture it very effectively – it's washed out and blandish.
[daily log: walking, 7 km]
caveat: just like old times
i am off to the hospital this morning, walking in a slow rain the same route that became rote last fall. i will have a ct scan. i feel more nervous about this one than the one in january, because my hypochondria has been in a kind of overdrive lately. i keep wondering if my remission has ended with each twinge of pain or discomfort that i feel. it could just be the nerve damage in my mouth, evolving or adapting or healing, but sometimes the sensations too greatly resemble those i associate with before my diagnosis and surgery.
Caveat: Same Scene Different Season
This isn't a very good picture. I'm posting it mostly because I took a picture of exactly the same thing last fall with fall-colored leaves, and again in the winter with snow (I'm too lazy to search for where these were posted, at the moment, but they were posted to this here blog thingy).
So this is the spring version of these weird kimchi-pots sculptures next to Balsan Middle School (발산중학교 – which is attended by many of the students that I teach). I walk past this almost every day.
My mini-vacation-like-experience for April has ended – I'm back to my massive teaching load, on the special post-exam-prep teaching schedule with middle-schoolers at the moment. I worked today and have decided to avoid the internet this weekend. So after this post I'm off until Monday. I'll let you know how that goes.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Tarot Shtick
I have a sort of fortune-teller shtick using my old tarot cards that I sometimes do with my more advanced classes. It's often very popular with middle-schoolers. I don't do it as much with elementary students, because they don't have the patience for it, and it can seem a little bit too abstract for them. Last night in my Newton2 debate class, a pretty advanced class of 5th and 6th graders, I tried it. Unexpectedly, I ended up recording the whole 15 minute episode, because I'd left the camera on from when we had our debate. It hadn't been my intention to record it, and, like any candid video recording, it's hard to follow in parts and boring or others – it's not really performative. But the shtick itself had gone on very well. The three kids were utterly fascinated by the cards and their "fortunes" as I read them from the cards.
Many people object to this kind of "lesson" in class, but there is, in fact, a clear and strong pedagogical purpose behind my in-class ramblings of this sort. First of all, when the kids are genuinely interested in this, they give their whole attention and because it's in English, that in itself is a great learning context. One of the girls asks near the beginning, for example, why I can't give them the printout of card meanings in Korean, and I dismiss it, saying this is English class. She goes on to pay very close attention. I let the kids talk among themselves (and to me, to the extent I understand) in Korean, because I think having recourse to L1 (native language) helps them to cement meanings in L2 (target language).
Anyway, I don't often post "raw" video of my teaching – especially a "fun" lesson such as this as opposed to something more conventional. I decided to just go ahead and post it, however. Partly, I see it as similar to posting photos, just more "high tech" – you can see me and what I'm doing, I guess… what my day-to-day life is like, and how I am in my "non-performative" moments in my classroom environment, where I invest such a high proportion of my energy these days.
[daily log: walking, 5.5km]
Caveat: 3729 – 3719 = 10
My blog appears to no longer be down, and the admin site which became unavailable shortly after access to the "front end" was restored is now accessible again too.
Well. That was a lot of hassle, and I'm still trying to figure out some alternatives so that I don't get caught blogless in the future – as if anyone is really paying attention. Heh – I know there are four of you who are. Huge audience, eh?
But I have a bit of a puzzle. My post-count prior to the downtime was 3729. My post-count after the downtime was 3719. Ten blog entries disappeared. My back-up blog kept the 10, and listed 3729 after the import process.
The question is – which 10 blog entries are missing? Where did they go? How do I even figure out which ones are missing? Does it matter?
I think it's a scripting problem, given I have access to the unformatted text files of the before and after – but I was never a scripter. What would be nice would access to the back-end database. I could slap together some SQL in a few minutes to find the missing articles.
Which is another reason to continue looking into alternatives to my blog host. My nearly 10 year nearly flawless relationship with typepad is forever sundered. Ah well. Nothing lasts forever.
[daily log: walking, 6 km]
Caveat: Talking into Nothingness
My blog has been utterly down for more than 24 hours now, as far as I can figure out. At least it's accessible on the "back end" – meaning I am able to write this post. But it's like talking into nothingness – I'm writing a blog post that no one can see.
I've been putting a lot of energy into trying to extract the content of this blog from the host and configure a new, back-up location for my nearly 4000 blog entries. I've got something that is up-and-working, but getting all the pictures posted with my new back-up blog turns out to be more difficult. I may have to manually download all the pictures (one by one?!).
I'm looking into longer term alternatives for changing my blog host – the down time is pretty annoying but what's more annoying is the lack of clear communication from the host provider to me, the customer, about the situation.
Meanwhile, here is a picture of some doodles I did while taking notes in a meeting a while back. I'm posting it to test a new picture-posting method (which is much more laborious but ensures I have copies of each picture posted in multiple locations).
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Disasters
Note: apologies to readers – this blog has been frequently inaccessible over the last several days. This is due to some serious reliability issues at my hosting provider (typepad) which they are attributing to DDoS attacks by hackers. I hope this doesn't become a regular thing. Meanswhile, I'm looking into alternatives with respect to hosting, but any blog migration to new servers would be laborious and slow-in-coming…. Now back to our regular broadcast.
Less than two weeks ago, it just so happened that the debate topic offered up by our textbook in my Newton2-T반 (elementary 5th and 6th graders) debate class was "School field trips are a good idea." At that time, the kids were all adamantly in favor of school field trips, as is perfectly understandable. It was difficult to get some kids to take the CON position in the debate, so I was forced to choose two of them randomly to take the negative side. Nevertheless, they all did a good job.
Here is the debate.
Lo, the following week – last week – the Sewol disaster occurred. The sinking ferry was almost exclusively populated by field-tripping high-schoolers. Suddenly, the kids all were quite opposed to school field trips. School trips are obviously too dangerous, they explained, absorbing the media hype and unfamiliar with statistical thinking.
[daily log: walking, 5.5km]
Caveat: Nyam nyam nyam
I surfed the internet a little bit. I discovered that I am not tone deaf.
I'm not sure that I ever really thought I was, but I also didn't really know how to figure out if I was or not, since I didn't really have enough musical training to understand what tone-deafness even was.
I'm not sure that not being tone deaf helps me much when I'm listening to Korean pop music. Korean culture is weird.
What I'm listening to right now.
Lip Service (립서비스), "냠냠냠."
가사
Y'all ready?
Alright
Drop it
냠 냠냠냠냠냠 빼고 싶어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠 그만 먹고 싶어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠 답이 없어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠 길이 없어요!
HOOK
햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거가 맛있어요!
아메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노 맛있어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 밤이 되면 더 땡겨요!
Verse 1
평생의 숙제 끝나질 않은 살들의 축제
줄지 않는 내 무게 살과의 전쟁
아 아이고 머리야
칼로리 계산하다 하루가 다가겠네
O. M. G
또다시 먹방놀이 내 배는 보라돌이
들려 살찌는 소리 내 뱃살아 I'm sorry
꼬륵 꼬륵 꼬륵 꼬륵 꼬륵 꼬륵 꼬르륵
후룩 후룩 후룩 후룩 후루룩
머릿속엔 라면뿐~
HOOK
햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거가 맛있어요!
아메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노 맛있어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 밤이 되면 더 땡겨요!
Verse 2
Ok 치킨 앞에서 커지는 내 beat
맘 잡았었는데 다시 멈칫
집었다 놓았다 내 맘은 애가 타
나도 날 몰라 cuz i got a wing
이만하면 됐지 I'm gona crazy
입에 넣는 순간 난 후회할 테지
Stop 그만 O. M. G
난 이미 먹었고 신나게 먹었고
주사위는 던져졌고 시간은 지났고
내일은 조금만 먹어야지
내일은 저녁은 굶어야지
HOOK
햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거햄버거햄 햄버거가 맛있어요!
아메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노 맛있어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 밤이 되면 더 땡겨요!
Bridge
비파가 나가신다. 길을 길을 비켜
내 말 좀 들어봐 나 아주 미쳐
Everyday 완벽했던 지난 5 days
주말 한방에 dang 모든 걸 reset
Diet diet 그 놈의 diet
요요 와요 man I'm tired
뭘 믿고 자꾸 먹어대 겁 없게
돌이킬 수 없어 내일부터 다시 해
HOOK
돈가스 돈가스돈 돈가스 돈가스돈 돈가스 돈가스돈 돈가스가 맛있어요!
아메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노메리카 메리카노 맛있어요!
냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠 냠냠냠냠냠냠 밤이 되면 더 땡겨요!
(종일을 굶다가 밤이 와 그러다 터진 내입구멍 O. M. G 냠냠냠냠냠냠)
[daily log: walking, 1km]
Caveat: 87 años de soledad
RIP Gabriel García Márquez. Ayer murió a la edad de 87 años.
Últimamente confieso no ser tan admirador de su obra, y sin embargo debo decir que durante un período de mi juventud fue un escritor cuya influencia en mi fue muy fuerte. Su novela Cien años de soledad fue probablemente el primer libro en español que leí de forma continua, de comienzo al fin. Creo que fue durante un fin de semana lleno de nieve y frío mientras vivía en Saint Paul en 88. 
Fue la primera vez que contemplaba la idea que quería estudiar la literatura española. Después de cinco años, esa idea se fijó y fue el comienzo de mi carrera académica de estudios graduados. Mis intereses se ampliaron pero llevo una deuda al autor colombiano porque fue él quien al principio me introdujo a la literatura española.
"La vida no es sino una continua sucesión de oportunidades para sobrevivir."
Lo que estoy escuchando en este momento.
MC 900 ft Jesus, "Buried at Sea."
Lyrics
is this a sound
or just a dream?
in my world nothing is quite what it seems
white shroud
clear blue sky
the sea swells a bit
when sailors die
was that a word?
is this a clue?
you're so very far away
but i'm sure it's you
feathers fall
birds in flight
they bury me slowly
is it really still night?
was that a word?
is this a clue?
you're so very far away
but i'm sure it's you
feathers fall
seabirds in flight
in my world
nothing is
[daily log: walking, 5km]
Note: this blog post was delayed 9 hours in posting due to my blog host being DOWN. It was down a lot yesterday, and there have been a lot of technical issues recently, apparently. One reason I tolerate the annoyances of the typepad blog host – and PAY for it (there are so many FREE blog hosting options these days that paying for mine as I do is a bit of an anachronism) – is reliability. Moments such as that one yesterday give me pause….
Caveat: The Empress Pulcheria
It being Thursday, and 내신, I only had two classes. So I had some time to kill at work. One almost never "desk-warms" in hagwon life, as is so common when working as a public-school English teacher in Korea.
I was surfing wikipedia.
I spent almost two hours reading various pages of Roman and Byzantine history. I was really getting into it. I found out about the Empress Pulcheria, and the machinations of the Byzantine court around the Council of Chalcedon. It was very interesting. I think that woman would make a good protagonist for a novel.
My classes went well. I like teaching debate to elementary students – they're too young to realize it's boring, and they get excited by it.
It rained. That's good, as the sky needed cleaning – the spring smog/fog/dirt-from-heaven was getting unbearable. My advice: don't visit South Korea in spring, despite the pretty flowers everywhere.
[daily log: walking, 5.5km]
Caveat: Life Goes On
Work has slowed down quite a bit for me, now that the first 내신 (test prep period) of 2014 has started. I have no middle school students except for my Saturday 특강. I’m staying busy with things, though, and getting a bit more caught up feeling with various longer term tasks for work. I’m not really feeling like it’s a vacation, just a more at-ease period.
I’ve been feeling paranoidly hypochondriacal about various twinges and difficulties in my mouth. I have a 3-monthly CT scan scheduled in a few weeks and will find out if my hypochondria has any merit.
Life goes on.
Here are some pictures I took of my whiteboard artwork.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Spring Cherryblossoms at Night
(Poem #19 on new numbering scheme)
The almost-full, white moon sighs. Riotous, ravenous green spring writhes, a flock of white petals flies, to resist it seems unwise.
I poetized (poeted? poetated?) that while walking home from work. The poem more-or-less follows the pattern of the Welsh poetic forms called englynion. Specifically, it’s an englyn unodl union (according to wikipedia).
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Friday then Saturday
Last night (Friday) we went out to a sort of mini 회식 [hoesik] that was really just going out for drinks and food after work. We went to a jeon (전) joint, which was a friendly accommodation of my own preferences, and which I appreciated. It wasn't everyone from work – just the "Elementary team" meaning there were only five of us. I think the new teacher – Gina's replacement – wasn't that happy to be there, perhaps not feeling like she was fitting in. I actually had some makkeolli and some kimchi jeon, which is a step in the direction of normalcy.
As usual, however, I ended the evening feeling gloomier for the experience – mostly for the same reasons I always have: such experiences always hammer home the fact that my Korean-language competence is utterly unsatisfactory.
I did laugh at one person's joke, somewhat unexpectedly (perhaps the makkeolli was influencing). Ken was getting a little bit drunk and was trying to demonstrate all these "street handshakes" – I don't know what else to call them, the kind where you bump fists then wiggle your fingers or do a high five or some transition to dropping your hands in sync – which Koreans associate with Western culture. I explained that they were utterly alien to my own upbringing, too – just as alien to me as to the Koreans. As Ken fumbled trying to show how it worked, Irene said "켄도 몰라" [Ken doesn't know either]. I found this quite funny and pretty insightful, too – I really doubt Ken knew what he was demonstrating. That was just a single shining moment of lucid understanding in the generalized sea of what-in-the-world-are-they-saying.
Today I went to work, but I have a slimmer Saturday schedule because of 내신 [test prep period]. I taught my single class. We ordered pizza and I made the kids debate the proposition: "Potato pizza is better than pepperoni pizza" (whereby my overseas readers learn that "potato pizza" is a thing in Korea). One boy accused me of ruining what would have been a fun class by making them have that debate, but overall I think it went OK.
I came home and did my standard Saturday thing: I turned off my phone and crashed, napping off a long week.
What I'm listening to right now.
넬 – "환생의 밤."
[daily log: walking, 6 km]
Caveat: 갈수록 산이다
This is an aphorism from my aphorism book.
갈수록 산이다
gal·su·rok san·i·da
go-THEMORE mountains-be
"The farther [you] go, there are [more] moutains.
This means that matters go from bad to worse: just more mountains. Personally, I rather like the idea of hiking over mountains and finding more, but clearly the meaning here is negative. I am reminded of my uncle's memorable and favorite aphorism – an inversion of a more popular and positive version which he clearly rejected – and which was embedded in my brain by his frequent utterances of it when I was young: "It's always darkest just before it gets completely black."
[daily log: walking, 5.5 km]
Caveat: “Cancer Survivor”
I was listening to NPR this morning, as I sometimes do, streaming online.
There was an interview with author Barbara Ehrenreich, who happens to be a "cancer survivor," but it came up that Ehrenreich doesn't approve of this term. Her reasoning is clear and I found myself agreeing: the term "cancer survivor" devalues those who die. I see her point.
I was reminded of a conversation I had with Curt a few days ago. Curt used to talk a lot about Steve Jobs, as someone he admired and tried to emulate in some ways. Steve Jobs is a popular idol for entrepreneurial types, there is no doubt, and Curt was just being stereotypical in this respect.
When I said something about Jobs the other day, however, Curt announced, "I don't respect him anymore."
"Why not?" I asked.
"He died."
I was rather taken aback by this. I pointed out that he had died of cancer. Curt nodded. I asked Curt, then, "Would you no longer respect me if I died of cancer?" – a distinct possibility, given my recent travails.
Curt paused awkwardly. "Maybe," he finally answered, as if making a joke. I wasn't so certain it was entirely in jest, however. There's something to that, and it matches up with Ehrenreich's comment: by making "heroes" of the survivors we're also making a cult of success against something that is beyond our control. It's a bit like making heroes out of lottery winners – which, come to think of it, our culture does too, doesn't it?
So I hereby announce my discomfort with the term "cancer survivor." Nevertheless, I don't plan on changing the wording at left. It has some value as being a shorthand way to convey succinctly my current situation, both physical and mental.
[daily log: walking, 6.5]
Caveat: The Circular Ruins
The dream that I awoke from this morning was that I was in some kind of Aztec or Mayan ruin, mostly a series of underground caverns. They had been occupied and modified by a vast population of industrious Koreans, however. Thus the underground passages resembled the concourses of the Seoul subway system, but with wall decorations and statues scattered about on a mesoamerican theme. I was looking for my students, but was unable to find them. I stuttered through various Korean-language conversations with random merchants and passers-by, saying I was looking for the kids from KarmaPlus hagwon, but no one had any idea what I was talking about. So I kept wandering. The passages went on and on, and everywhere there were busy people going about their lives in what seemed a subterranean Korean civilization among the Mayan ruins. It was quite strange but very vivid.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Decorative Excesses
On Thursday I had to run out of my Newton2-반 classroom for a few minutes to fetch some materials from the staff room, and when I returned I found the whiteboard thoroughly decorated. I took a picture of the three girls guilty of decorative excess. I really like that class. They are smart, engaged, spirited, and interested.
Note that some of the drawings are by me – I decorate the board as a class progresses. But others are imitations (some quite good) of my “style.” And all the names and hearts are, of course, solely the work of the girls in question.
Meanwhile, spring has sprung. Sproing.
I guess the trees, too, have their own version of decorative excess. I took this picture walking to work this morning. It was a blustery, windy but clearly springlike day.
[daily log: walking, 5.5 km]
Caveat: 9 Months Cancer Free
Today is the three-quarters-of-a-year-iversary of my surgery. I know that I "beat the odds" in that I have a mostly normal life: I can talk, I kept my job, etc. I have to remind myself of that when I feel so miserable and depressed, as I have, lately.
I ran across a quote from Shakespeare's Macbeth in a very unexpected place: on page 921 of my Practical Dictionary of Korean-English Buddhist Terms.
Under the term 인생 (人生 [insaeng] = life), the dictionary says:
무엇이 인생? 사전에는 "목숨을 가진 사람의 존재"라 쓰여 있다. 영국의 문호 셰익스피어의 인생관을 들어보는 것도 나쁘지 않을 것 같다.
인생이란 어설픈 형상 없는 그림자
뽐내고 안달하다 곧 사라지는
한낱 가설무대 위의 광대.
– 셰익스피어, "맥베스", 5막 5장 –
Then, the reference book being a bilingual glossary, a translation into English is provided.
Life: What is life? Let's see what Shakespeare says:
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then heard no more.
– Shakespeare, Macbeth, V, v –
Note that the translation provided does not translate the introductory phrasing word-for-word – the Korean slightly more detailed, saying something to effect that "the dictionary says 'life' is 'existence of people who have breath of life' but England's great writer Shakespeare's summary is not bad."
I have run across other very interesting tidbits of humor and erudition in this book. I'm glad that I bought it. I'm so strange, my favorite books have always been reference books.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Best. Day. Ever.
That title is tongue-in-cheek. I indulged my anti-social self today. I shouldn’t do that.
…But I have such strong tendencies that way. Perhaps I should just give up and find a monastery that will take me.
[daily log: walking, 1 km]
Caveat: Some Advice from Some Kid via the Interwebs
I worked a long day. I'm tired. That's all.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: Hambre interior
Tal vez lo siguiente subraya el hecho de mi depresión reciente. Sea lo que sea.
Ésta canción siguiente es producto de la otra ciudad que ha integrado mi alma: la gran podrida del mero méxico.
Lo que estoy escuchando en este momento.
Hocico, "Odio en el alma."
Letra.
Afliccion por no saber
cuando llegara el ocaso
las almas rien
y el espiritu miente.
Sin sentimientos de si
hemos oscultado el limbo
tanto hemos mirado hacia atras
que el pasado nos ha alcanzado
Esta enmienda voraz
se revolcara en nuestros traumas
donde la inocencia resulta
inconmensurable ante nuestros ojos
siempre tratando de esconderse
en la casa del debil.
Escucha nuestro afan
por quedar en la inclemencia mundana.
Entierra este diente en su quijada
y sabras cual es tu destino
escupe en su ojo mas humillado
y sabras cual es su nombre.
Hemos llegado sin fe
tambaleantes en confusion
y hemos salido hambrientos
sin poder siquiera digerir
el aire que nos cubre
lamentos de inanicion
sin poder comprender al fin.
Hambre en el alma
Hambre interior
Hambre en el alma
Hambre en mi interior.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: I’m walking a line-just barely enough to be living
Yesterday, it dawned heavily overcast and about 10 C (50 F). This was an exact replica of the eternally overcast dawns of my youth in Humboldt, and put me into a moody, nostalgic state of mind as I sat and tried to read on my couch after waking and being unable to get back to sleep – a frequent enough occurance these days. It's a common type of weather on the Humboldt side of the Pacific, but not really that common on this side, in Korea, except during the monsoon, when if it's overcast it's always stickily 10 or 20 degrees C warmer.
Today dawned less overcast, more just that spring Seoul smog (outsourced from Beijing, mostly) that I like to complain about. It was warmer. I walked to work without my overcoat for the first time since last October or so. Buds had appeared on some of the trees.
At work today, Ken commented that I looked miserable. I reckon so.
I'm unhappy on several fronts. There's the increasingly permanent-feeling post-cancer reality of my seemingly fragile and unpleasant health condition. It still hurts to eat – I suspect it may never be an enjoyable experience again for me. There's the new arrangement in the staff room at work, which frankly sucks. I'm particularly put out by what seems to be a neglect of attention to the fact that of everyone's new spot, mine and Ken's are the only spots without conveniently adjacent shelf space. Is the fact that he and I both have tended in the past to complain about a need for more shelf space linked to this? Are we being punished? Do they think that native-speakers don't need shelf space? In the previous arrangement, I had finally won some shelf space after nearly a year of requesting it. How long is it going to take this time? Small things of this sort affect my mood profoundly. There's the 30+ teaching hours and concommitant shitloads of correcting. There's the never-ending litany of unrealistic parental complaints. There's the fact that despite having some great debate classes recently, I just discovered this morning that hours of video that I've taken are unusable due to technical glitches involving the microphone I was using. There's my perennial laziness vis-a-vis my efforts to study Korean, despite my equally perennial tendency to point out to myself that if there was a single thing that would improve my quality-of-life in my current circumstances, it would be to improve my Korean. Why must I be so lazy?
Anyway.
What I'm listening to right now.
Talking Heads, "Houses in Motion."
Lyrics.
For a long time I felt without style or grace
Wearing shoes with no socks in cold weather
I knew my heart was in the right place
I knew I'd be able to do these things.
And as we watch him digging his own grave
It is important to know that was where he's at
He can't afford to stop…that is what he believes
He'll keep on digging for a thousand years.
I'm walking a line-i'm thinking about empty motion
I'm walking a line-just barely enough to be living
Get outa the way-no time to begin
This isn't the time-so nothing was done
Not talking about-not many at all
I'm turning around-no trouble at all
You notice there's nothing around you, around you
I'm walking a line-divide and dissolve.
Never get to say much, never get to talk
Tell us a little bit, but not too much
Right about then, is where she give up
She has closed her eyes, she has give up hope
I'm walking a line-I hate to be dreaming in motion
I'm walking a line-just barely enough to be living
Get outa the way-no time to begin
This isn't the time-so nothing was done
Not talking about-not many at all
I'm turning around-no trouble at all
I'm keeping my fingers behind me, 'hind me
I'm walking a line-divide and dissolve.
I turn myself around, I'm moving backwards and forwards
I'm moving twice as much as I was before
I'll keep on digging to the center of the earth
I'll be down in there moving the in the room…
I'm walking a line-visiting houses in motion
I'm walking a line-just barely enough to be living
Get outa the way-no time to begin
This isn't the time-so nothing was done
Not talking about-not many at all
I'm turning around-no trouble at all
Two different houses surround you, 'round you
I'm walking a line-divide and dissolve.
[daily log: walking (a line), 5 km]
Caveat: Exhaustive Notes from Staff Meeting
Here are my exhaustive notes from the staff meeting today.
Recent life summary: eat read work sleep repeat.
[daily log: walking, 5.5 km]
Caveat: chaos and bachatón
At least I'm appreciated by my students. I found this message (at right) on the white board after a class, from two students from whom I wouldn't have expected. I'm glad they seem to appreciate me.
The staff room today was a chaotic nightmare – they've decided to rearrange the desks… something about a need for the team members (i.e. middle-school team and elementary team) needing to be grouped together and facing one another. But!… well, 4 of the 8 staff members are on both teams, so the whole undertaking seems stupid, to me – a waste of time and effort, and I can almost guarantee that I will have a smaller, less comfortable work-area than I had before.
What I'm listening to right now.
MJ feat. La Sista, "Teorías de amor."
[daily log: walking, 6 km]
Caveat: 지옥행
My student, Clara, age 7, created this narrative involving me, a policeman chasing me, my eventual death by drowning, and subsequent descent to hell (where she writes 지옥행 [bound for hell] in Korean at the end). Should I be worried or flattered?
It reminds me of a repeating nightmare I used to have while in highschool.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Caveat: I ate a doughnut
Some kid's mom brought doughnuts to Karma. I don't normally eat food at work, since my surgery, since eating is such a fraught and even painful undertaking, but I decided to try a doughnut, because I have this fond recollection of doughnuts. Further, the other day I'd managed to eat a slice of pizza successfully that had been bought for some students.
It was a mistake. I felt like I would choke on it – it was too dry. I had to drink a lot of water.
Oops, wait. I said I wasn't going to complain about food anymore.
Oh well, I already wrote this. I guess that was the highlight (lowlight?) of my day. Classes went well, though.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]