I made this yesterday.
“가을의 까치” (ink and watercolor).
Day: November 3, 2013
Caveat: Four Months Cancer-Free
This phrase, "cancer-free," as discussed [broken link! FIXME] last month, is just code for "no major tumors currently identified." We all have cancer, all the time.
I guess my health is much improved.
But now that the elation of living through the summer has passed, I'm more and more suffering from a kind of mild depression: life must go on, and at times it's just as frustrating and tedious and unfulfilling as before.
I had hoped I'd be eating normally by now. I'm not. When do I get to eat Indian food again? Kimchi? Cake? Burritos? Crackers?
I had hoped I'd be gung ho about work and taking on the challenges it presents, by now. I'm not. When do the major problems plaguing my workplace finally reach some kind resolution?
I had hoped I'd be plunging into some life-affirming project (i.e. my writing), to make better use of my remaining time on earth. I'm not. When will I finally have a reliable every-day writing habit?
This is the hard slog.
One. Step. At a time.
Kurt Vonnegut, in 2006, wrote back to a group of high school students. In part, he said:
Practice any art, music, singing, dancing, acting, drawing, painting,
sculpting, poetry, fiction, essays, reportage, no matter how well or
badly, not to get money and fame, but to experience becoming, to find out what's inside you, to make your soul grow.
What I'm listening to right now.
M83, "Wait."
Caveat: Everything that kills me makes me feel alive
I'm really not feeling that great, so I took it easy today. I think it's more a kind of emotional frustration at how slowly my recovery feels like it's going.
So I sat around trying to read today, and then took a walk around the lake in a slight drizzle after dark fell.
What I'm listening to right now.
OneRepublic, "Counting Stars."
Lyrics:
(Chorus)
Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Yeah, we'll be counting stars(Verse)
I see this life
Like a swinging vine
Swing my heart across the line
In my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and ye shall findOld, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're toldI feel something so right
By doing the wrong thing
And I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that kills me makes me feel alive(Chorus)
Lately I been, I been losing sleep (Hey!)
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Lately I been, I been losing sleep (Hey!)
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars(Verse)
I feel the love
And I feel it burn
Down this river every turn
Hope is a four letter word
Make that money
Watch it burnOld, but I'm not that old
Young, but I'm not that bold
And I don't think the world is sold
I'm just doing what we're toldAnd I feel something so wrong
By doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that downs me makes me wanna fly(Chorus)
Lately I been, I been losing sleep (Hey!)
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Lately I been, I been losing sleep (Hey!)
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars(Bridge)
Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons I learnedEverything that kills me makes me feel alive
(Chorus)
Lately I been, I been losing sleep (Hey!)
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be counting stars
Lately I been, I been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I been, I been prayin' hard
Said no more counting dollars
We'll be, we'll be counting stars(Outro)
Take that money
Watch it burn
Sink in the river
The lessons I learned
[daily log: walking, 5.5 km]