monday morning!
im actually looking forward to radiation this morning. why, you might ask? a pattern has emerged the last two weeks where i actually feel worst on days without radiation. i hadnt anticipated this, but in thinking carefully about whats going on physiologically, it makes sense. the radiation is wrecking my immune system. most of my worst symptoms – the feverishness, pus and sores in my mouth, inability to swallow. . . are consequences of my immune system fighting back. so of course the days when i dont do the radiation are the worst – theyre when the symptoms really take off, as my immune system struggles to recover from the previous weeks blasting.
so i guess it wasnt a blessing, after all, that my birthday fell on a photon-free day: yesterday was easily the absolute worst since my days in the ICU. it was mostly a blurry alternation of sleeping, coughing, daydreaming about when this will be over, and crying from pain. i took some breaks from this compelling routine to take a short walk, surf the web listlessly, write a few messages and emails, and clean my kitchen sink.
im not whining – i hope people understand – merely reporting.
two more weeks. im no longer looking forward to the 5 day thanksgiving (추석 chuseok) weekend, as the above insight should explain. a highlight is that my stepmother wendy arrives wednesday. i regret i may be pretty poor company.
beautiful fall-ish morning, sunny but a hint of dry, siberian crispness.
Day: September 15, 2013
Caveat: The Anti-Yum
I celebrated this special Sunday by it being the first day of my radiation series when I was completely unable to eat solid food. I tried to eat nurungji this morning, but it didn't work out. So during the day I drank a couple of those gamey-smelling nutrition drinks I was prescribed a few weeks ago. Each time, I put in a drop of vanilla extract and a sprinkle of cinnamon, and pour it over ice. That gets it to seem vaguely like horchata.
It all sounds pretty bad. It is bad. But… most patients undergoing this type of therapy after my particular diagnosis and surgery would have been in today's situation two weeks ago. In that sense, I am still beating the odds handily. The doctor has commented frequently on my surprising resilience. I will make it through this!
I only have two weeks left.
What I'm listening to right now.
信近エリ[Eri Nobuchika] & Röyksopp, "Sing a Song" – Kramsnø Remix. Röyksopp is a Norwegian duo, and Eri Nobuchika reworks their popular "Vision One" with her own lyrics sung in Japanese. I like this version a great deal even though I don't understand the lyrics.
[daily log: walking, 2 km]