the last few days have been continuous overcast and sporadic downpours with much drizzle between. its been like a monsoon 2.0. late summer bliss.
last night helen called wanting me to come to work for a "birthday party" and out-to-dinner. this is a longstanding karma custom. but i wasnt up to it. i knew i wouldnt be able to eat anything and these days i have permanent fever sensation (not actual), random coughing fits, exhaustion. i felt bad about saying no, but simply couldnt.
i want to be clear to everyone about something, though: although i feel physically horrible, my mental state is not that bad. im "documenting" this experience here, and so i am not sparing details of symptoms. but i am not just my symptoms.
i am not that depressed at all. i would compare my state of mind to the last few weeks of army basic training in 1990. i was exhausted, permanently pissed off, and struggling. but it had become clear to me by then that i would complete the training successfully – even near the top of my class. i just had to put my face to the grindstone and cope until graduation day.
its the same now. ill make it, but right now, each step forward is a bitch.
what im listening to right now.
the cure, "last day of summer."
