the air is cool and fresh, a hint of autumn. perhaps one of the things i miss most about minnesota is the variety, changeabilty and unpredictability of the weather. korean weather is much less boring than in california, but its much more predictable than the midwest (by which i mean you could make weather forecasts using nothing but a gaze at the sky and the calendar). korea will never have an august day requiring a jacket, nor a september snowfall, nor shorts weather in january (all of which ive seen in minnesota).
that said, even if entirely foreseeable, the shift to cooler nights is welcome.
radiationwise, today is halfway: 15 out of 30.
last night, i felt morbid. yesterday, i was joking about the radiation with andrew: that we had gone to hongnong, hiked the mountain, taken a wrong trail and ended up along the high security fence in the shadow of the nuclear plants reactor dome. "i like the radiation so much i wanted to get a do-it-yourself bonus dose," i said. we laughed, while keeping eye out for mutant butterflies.
but in fact, im suffering deepy from the impinging awareness of the faustian nature of this undertakimg. ive lost all taste in my mouth – ALL. i had thought, before, that it was worse after the surgery, but at least i had some. this morning i had plain yogurt, some peach and some coffee, and they all tasted identical: taste of nothing. only the smells give them away.
the burning pain is always present, now. no breaks. my mouth is full of a vaguely bitter sputum that i constantly have the urge to spit, yet feels dry as a mouthful of dust, or like i have consumed dry, rusted marbles.
my mouth feels as if i have lain in a grave for a year. its long too dried out to be of any interest to worms or larvae. its a taste like death.
yes, i said the forbidden word: "death." i have known from the start. . . "side effects may include. . . death." it said it right in the form i signed. but last night i really FELT the truth of this for the first time. the visceral truth that this is a game against poison. this is not just medicine – it can kill me.
