I had a really terrible weekend. Not anything specific, except a really extreme level of discouragement and consequential apathy. I didn't study Korean, as I normally do. I didn't write much, as I normally do. I didn't go hiking or exploring – I had the excuse that I still don't feel very healthy, but that's really just a way to justify being antisocial. And I was definitely that.
I've written before about feeling that I'm not making progress on the things important to me. And I suppose I should try to better outline what those "important things" are.
1) I came to Korea because I want to learn Korean. It's not going well. I've been here three years. I can barely make myself understood in single sentences. I understand less than 20% of what I hear.
2) I'm working as a teacher. I like working as a teacher. But I want to be an excellent teacher. I don't think I am. I'm barely adequate, mostly. I don't know what steps to take to improve: do I need to be more organized? More spontaneous? Funnier? Less funny? How do I connect with my students?
3) I wish I were a true artist. I write all these little fragments, outlines, "first pages of novels." I occasionally do a single drawing, or pen some half-hearted poem. I have a musical instrument I tell myself I should learn how to play. I don't work on it. I'm intimidated by my inability.
4) I need to meditate more. Better. More…
These important things are all incremental projects. They don't require miracles of talent or self-discovery. Yet I'm not making progress. I'm on a treadmill.