Category: Buddhism & Zen

Caveat: Touch of Desperation

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”;  it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks.  This is “day 3(a)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

The main teacher of the Vipassana movement, whom we watch speaking in videos each evening, has a strong Hindi accent.  When he talks about our practice of “anapana” (meditation on feeling our respiration on and around our noses and upper lips), he uses the phrase “touch of respiration” – but his accent renders this “touch of desperation” to my ears.  And that’s a bit how I’m feeling.
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Caveat: True Dogma

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”;  it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks.  This is “day 2(b)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

I felt rather disgusted this evening with Mr Goenka’s discourse.  He makes all these claims to be presenting something that’s scientific and non-sectarian.  He states repeatedly and unequivocally that this is not dogma, but simple truth.

But, in fact, what he’s presenting isn’t just dogma… it’s pretty darn orthodox Theravada Buddhist dogma, at that.  I wouldn’t hesitate to describe the belief system underlying his vipassana practice as a sort of neo-orthodox fundamentalist Theravedism… for those of you who care about such things.

The fact of it being orthodox Buddhism doesn’t bother me in the least.  I knew (and know) that vipassana is a Buddhist meditative practice.  But, as many of you know, hypocrisy does bother me.  A lot.  And when someone like Mr Goenka tries to sell orthodox Buddhism as something non-sectarian and non-dogmatic, that pisses me off. So, today, I feel pissed off.
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Caveat: False Joy

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”;  it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks.  This is “day 2(a)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

At 4:40 PM, I find my Buddha-nature in my left nostril.  But it’s a false alarm.

Really, all that’s happening is that I’m calming down. My mind is still wandering a lot.  And we’re watching our respiration. I noticed that earlier today, when my mind wandered, it was mostly agitated, worrying, negative thoughts. But this afternoon, I found that my mind would wander to positive things – daydreams, happy things. And at the same time, I’m watching my breathing.  In the morning, it was mostly in the right nostril. This afternoon, it has switched to the left nostril.  So there must be something happy in my left nostril, QED.

I realize this is fallacious argument. Also, having happy distracted thoughts instead of negative distracted thoughts still isn’t matching the objective, I don’t think. The idea is to detach from both kinds of distracting thoughts.

All the same, it put me in a very cheerful, joyful, almost elated mood, having all these happy distracted thoughts.
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Caveat: Which nostril?

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”;  it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks.  This is “day 1(b)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

The focus of this first day is to watch our own respiration.  Not control it – simply observe it. Feel the air moving in… out… in… out.  Is it deep breath?  Shallow breath? Is it through the left nostril, or right, or both?  Contrary to our uninformed intuition, we almost always are breathing more through one nostril than the other. I never thought about this before.

So, the question becomes:  which nostril? Today… mostly the left.
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Caveat: Happiness is serious business

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”;  it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks.  This is “day 1(a)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

How can I expect to learn a path to enlightenment from such grumpy-seeming people? All the managers and assistants seem way too serious. And the main instructor (slash “founder” of the modern vipassana movement I guess), Mr Goenka… he seems like a very sad man, and almost never smiles in his video presentations. The male manager at this retreat is grim and shifty-eyed. The only person who consistently seems happy is Leslie, the head supporting instructor who leads the group sessions (mostly via running the sound-system that plays Mr Goenka’s guidances, and then providing additional instructions and/or answering questions).

It leads me to ponder: maybe, all-in-all, it’s not the sort of enlightenment I’m interested in?
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Caveat: Vipassana Day Zero

Buddhism & Zen

[This is a “back-post”; it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks. This is “day 0” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]

I am going to a “meditation camp” by an organization called Vipassana. “Vipassana” is the name of the meditation they practice, something popularized by a teacher named S.N. Goenka, ethnically Indian but born and raised in Burma. I would classify it as a sort of neo-orthodox theravada buddhist trandition, though Goenka and his followers like to claim it is “non-sectarian” – more about this claim later.

I am not allowed to use computer or writing materials, but each day I will compose one or more titles to blog entries, that I can remember and use to cue memories later on, and then write down after the retreat is over.

The camp is in Pecatonica, Illinois, about 20 minutes west of Rockford. The site is very beautiful. I signed in, put my cellphone, etc. in storage, attended an orientation and introduction, and got settled in the dormitory.

Here is our daily schedule:

4:00-4:30 AM.  First gong. Wake up, shower, etc.

4:30-6:30 AM.  Meditation.

6:30-8:00 AM.  Breakfast. Personal time. (I already know, this will be “nap time” US Army style.)

8:00-9:00 AM.  Group meditation.

9:00-11:00 AM.  Instruction and meditation.

11:00-12:00.  Lunch.

12:00-1:00 PM.  One-on-one interviews with the teacher.

1:00-2:30 PM.  Meditation.

2:30-3:30 PM.  Group meditation.

3:30-5:00 PM.  Instruction and meditation.

5:00-6:00 PM.  Tea. (There will be fruit but no meal — students are encouraged to fast after mid-day.)

6:00-7:00 PM.  Group meditation.

7:00-8:15 PM.  Discourses by the main teacher (via videotape).

8:15-9:00 PM.  Instruction and meditation.

9:00-9:30 PM.  Questions and answers with teachers, or personal time.

9:30 PM.  Lights out.
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Caveat: Ummm

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Life is a Dream

I will be completely "offline" for the next 11 days.  I'm going on a meditation retreat.

No, I haven't become a buddhist.  Or anything like that.  And, actually, I've felt somewhat embarrassed telling some of the people who know me that I'm doing this, but in fact it's something I've wanted to do, and have been planning, on and off, for not just years, but decades.   I guess I feel embarrassed because it doesn't really match the cynical, anti-spiritual persona I present of myself.  Well, anyway…

I will be off the internet, off cellphones, not even taking reading material, for this next week and a half.  If I come out a weird cultist, I'm counting on everyone to do some kind of "intervention" quickly.  But as my friend Bob said, earlier today,  I came out still myself from the Army, and lots of other crazy things… no reason why this should affect me any differently, right?

"I will always retain my inner core of pure cynicism," I retorted.  But it's been shading toward a weird, optimistic sort of cynicism for some years now, I would add.   The positive-thinking cynic?

Caveat: “입을 다스리는 글”

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Hiking & Travel / My Photos / 한국말을 배움 (Failing to Learn Korean)

“입을 다스리는 글” is a title to a proverb (or prayer) that was on a piece of cloth that I gave as a gift to my friends Juli and Keith in Oregon.
I have been feeling somewhat embarrassed because I had not conveyed to them very accurately the true meaning of the saying. Here is an updated and hopefully correct translation for all the world to see (and thanks to my friend Jinhee for her help translating). My friends Juli and Keith may not want to have it on their wall given the new meaning, or they may decide they like it. I spent some time thinking deeply about it today, and decided I like it, after all.
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입을 다스리는 글
말해야 할 때 말하고 말해서는 안될 때 말하지 말라 말해야 할 때 참묵해도 안되고 말해서는 안될 말해서도 안되고 입아, 입아 그렇게만 하여라
A note on controlling one’s tongue.

One should speak when necessary, and not speak when one should not. One shouldn’t stay silent when one should be speaking, and one should not speak what one should not say. O tongue, my tongue, I pray you do just that.

I think silence is very important. That’s my vaguely quaker upbringing, shining through, perhaps.
We went hiking this morning up into a “slot canyon” in the eastern part of Zion National Park this morning. There were six of us, walking and tromping and scrambling and climbing and tossing rocks into pools to make fording them possible, and talking. Lots of talking. Finally, we were relaxing on the face of rock above the canyon, and Jay wanted to have a prayer. And I butted in and said, how about a Quaker-meeting minute-of-silence. This was approved, and at last, we were seated, gazing at the sky and rock and trees, and it was silent for about 5 or so minutes. It was very beautiful.
So keeping one’s mouth shut can be nice. There are definitely times for that.
Here are some pictures from this morning.
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[this is a “back-post” written 2009-11-30]
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Caveat: limbo

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen

I feel like I've made a definite decision to return to Korea.   And all of this traveling around I've been doing was obviously part of my own way of finding the gumption to make that decision.  It was a way to meditate on what I wanted next from life. 

But now I've got at least 2 months before I go back.  And so I feel like I'm in a limbo.  That "waiting" state that is hard for me.  I have lots of things to keep me busy:  people to visit, bureaucratic miscellany to sort out, etc.  But in the end, I want to just "get on with it."

I'm still not always very good at BEING in the present moment.  As much as I try to live up to that ideal.

Caveat: That’s very hard to get a girlfriend

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Kids / The Wonders of Work

One of my third graders was quizzing me about my marital status.  This is not uncommon, but generally I am less offended than many foreign teachers seem  to be by the seemingly personal nature of some of the questions kids tend to ask.

I always answer fairly honestly:  Not married… actually, "widowed" (which is technically true, and is less likely to offend anyone's un-western sensibilities than to say "divorced," which is technically untrue, and the real, in-between reality of the situation would be infinitely difficult to explain to a bunch of kids, anyway).  And no, I don't have a girlfriend.  In response to this, the third-grade boy sighed deeply and said in a world-weary voice, "That's very hard to get a girlfriend."  Such is life. 

My day's trajectory followed one that is typical, for me.  I was miserable, earlier in the day, sulking and grading and stressing in the staff room.  Discovering, via the bilingual rumor mill whispered from desk to desk, of L-Bridge's latest affront to the concepts of humane management or post-medieval pedagogy.   Plotting an early exit, in a fantasy-oriented sort of way.

But then, through a series of 6 classes, climbing slowly from 2nd and 3rd graders up through to my supersmart 6th graders, I suddenly find myself, at the end of my last class, feeling cheerful and happy, if not actually any more positive about my place of employment.

One of my fellow teachers commented that sometimes hearing my laughter or the funny noises I make in my classes makes the students in her class laugh.  And that she laughs too.  That's pleasant feedback.  I'm aware that I make funny noises sometimes — it's one of my "gimmicks," I suppose, as a teacher.  But I'm surprised, once again, to hear that others hear me laughing often.  I think to myself, "really?"  "Despite being really annoyed and pissed off at this place of employment, I'm laughing all the time?"  Interesting. 

And this process of stepping up, from staffroom gloom in the afternoon to late evening effervecence… is not uncommon.  I don't think so, anyway.  How does it fit in with the big picture?  What is my life for?  Am I ever going to really actually learn some Korean?  Argh.  In retrospect, argh.

Caveat: Zen with a Red Pen

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Life is a Dream / Teaching & Methodology / The Wonders of Work

I have long been drawn to the idea of zen-like meditation. But the fact is that I have a stunningly un-calm mind, and efforts at traditional meditation have generally failed me.
I have been reflecting that what I need to do, to meet this challenge I currently face – these massive piles of papers to grade that seem so overwhelming – is to somehow cultivate an “emptying” of my mind, around the process of having to grade student papers. Thus, I can try to turn the work with the red pen into a contemplative exercise.
Authors like Thich Nhat Hanh have written about the need to approach even the commonest of daily tasks – such as, say, doing the dishes–with a contemplative and calm and fully focused mind. And I’m not one of these people who naively believes meditation (zen-like or otherwise) requires paraphernalia of any specific kind, mental or physical. “Any activity done mindfully is a form of meditation, and mindfulness is possible practically all the time.”
pictureHere is picture of a typical-sized pile that I face on a weekend. So, is it possible? Can I make the massive piles of papers-to-grade into a opportunity of enter into a meditative state? I need to escape the resentment and anger I feel about it. If it turned into something calming and contemplative, wouldn’t it then be something I would be less inclined to dread and procrastinate on?
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Caveat: If you can’t avoid it, enjoy it!

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Quotable / The Wonders of Work

The sentence "if you can't avoid it, enjoy it!" was the cheery conclusion of a 5th grader's essay that I was grading today.   I liked the philosophical sentiment of it, though I also thought it has an unspoken corollary:  "if you CAN avoid it, then, by all means, do so."  Some things in life are unavoidable, and we should take those things with calm, equanimity, and even try to enjoy them.  But other things in life are clearly avoidable, yet all too often, we just keep putting up with them, tolerating them, letting them annoy us, when it would be all too easy to walk away from these things, or push them out of our way and move on.  Sometimes I think we possess an excessive loyalty to the status quo, whatever it is.

Which brings me back to the "why" of my current adventure – vis-a-vis my ruminations about whether to renew my contract or not.  Clearly, because of the option to renew, I am in an "avoidable" situation, as far as continuing my experience here.  So the question is, do I want to continue?  Are the benefits I'm deriving greater than the annoyances I'm suffering?  What's the calculus of my life, so to speak?

Caveat: Faith-based Atheist

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Philosophy & Cultural Criticism

I’m a “faith-based atheist.”

What in the world is that?

It means that, unlike an agnostic, I’m certain about god: specifically, that there isn’t one. But such certainty isn’t something that submits to any kind of objective proof: just as the religious person must accept the existence of his or her god(s) as a matter of faith, so must the true atheist rely on belief over material evidence – after all, how do you prove god doesn’t exist? Anything short of this standard-of-proof makes one an agnostic, not an atheist.

What’s still more difficult, is to strive for an ethical existence when the most commonly invoked “cause” (or source) of human ethics (namely, the alleged “higher powers”) have been unequivocally rejected. It seems to me that the only ethical atheist is one who accepts that his or her belief is indeed just that – a belief, not a demonstrated “fact.” Atheists who assert some kind of exceptionalism for their own beliefs vis-a-vis the beliefs of non-atheists strike me as hypocritical. I’m profoundly uncomfortable with many atheists – of the secular-humanist stripe – who attempt to position themselves as rationalists – I think it’s not only philosophically perilous but ultimately unethical due to this inherent hypocrisy.

Despite this, I’m also displeased with the tendency of humanists (again, i.e. “secular humanists”) to categorically place human beings in the center of things. Such pre- (or even anti-) Copernican posturing is just as irrational as the traditional, god-centered systems they presume to criticize – in my judgement, anyway.
With the categorical rejection of the transcendental and god-centric, I believe that there must come a similarly vehement rejection of the anthropocentric. So… but what’s left, then?

Let me get back to you on that one. Does this make me sound like a nihilist? This is a possibility. I’m most comfortable with a sort of aesthetic take on the whole matter, a la Robinson Jeffers Inhumanism. But that doesn’t really resolve the epistemological issues – which are what seem to most interest me.

Another issue is how I can reconcile my committed atheism with my frequent self-description as a “Buddhist.” However, one has to understand that Buddhism, in most conceptions, is doctrinally agnostic with respect to the theist question. To attempt to paraphrase Gautama Siddhartha, as I have understood it: when asked about the existence of deities or God, he reportedly answered that, like everything else, it was both true and not true. Thus there is room within Buddhism for both atheists and theists, as well as whatever falls in between.

[Updated 2015-10-08]
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