Category: Banalities & Journaling

Caveat: What we’re here for

Banalities & Journaling / Life in Korea / Quotable

OK, I was in limbo for 4 days, and then, this:   discouragement.

I always understood it wasn't a "done deal."  So Curt broke the news to me last night… he can't hire me.  I believe he's sincere when he says he wants to, but he just can't take on the financial burden of hiring a foreigner on an E2 visa — the financial burden in such cases isn't just the matter of my salary (which I was happily and willingly negotiating downward) but a matter of business licenses and legal compliances and such like.   So, in the end, it's too much for his small, start-up hagwon to take on.  Easier and cheaper to hire Korean nationals and/or F-series visa holders who are free to take whatever job they wish.   Curt and I will remain friends, I hope… he has been very kind to me.

Meanwhile, I face one of those flexion points:  what next?   Plan B.  I must plunge into the job market in earnest, because it is truly my intention to stay in Korea.  It will take a lot of further disappointments before I give up and go with plan C.  

I spent some time surveying the online classifieds this morning for the Korean ESL market.  I don't think I need to be that worried… there seems to be an awful lot out there.  Given I'm flexible on location and pay, I should find something.  But of course, there's the gumption trap of getting started.

I've updated my resume, and I really should try to put together one of those "sample teaching videos" I'd been plotting last summer, but then kind of dropped.   I could post it somewhere for potential employers to see.

I've rented a cellphone, finally… this business of trying to get a pre-paid phone (which is cheaper than a rental) on a lowly tourist visa is annoyingly impossible, as far as I've figured out.  I'll put my phone number on resume and facebook if anyone wants to call.

Lastly, one more bit of… argh.

I was up at 5 am, this morning, which has been my wakeup time since settling down from the jet-lag.  It's not going to be optimal, if I get an afternoon teaching job, but I'm very adjustable, that way — it just takes time.   Anyway… this guesthouse I'm staying in is my favorite so far of the various I've sampled in Seoul.  It's a bit of the atmosphere of the Casa, where I worked in Mexico City in the 80s (and have stayed there many times since).  Of course, it doesn't have the same lefty-liberal bent, here, that prevails at the Casa.   So you run into travelers, mostly Japanese and "westerners," and you have occasional conversations.

I had one at 5 am, with this scraggly but friendly fellow American.  He was surprised to see someone else up and about.  I mentioned my jetlag, briefly, and he was shocked I was "getting up" rather than ending my day.  Of course, Koreans are night-owls, so anyone adapted to Korean lifestyle would find it odd, too.  But as the conversation progressed, there was this weird, judgemental tone.  Like somehow I was morally deficient because I was failing to stay up late and go out drinking each night.  "Man, that's what everyone does, in Korea."  Well, yes… and, no.

I felt annoyed.  I began to feel that this guy, he's exactly the sort of ugly American that is partly why so many Koreans dislike or distrust "foreigners."  And then, the icing on the cake:

The conversation had drifted to what I was doing.  The job-hunt.   I was mulling the fact that I wasn't being very productive.  You know, voicing my guilt-feelings, I guess.  And his response was quick and aggressive, locker-room toned: "Yeah, man.  But that's not what we're here for, is it?"   We're not here for being productive?  And.. the alternatives?

No wonder so many Koreans see us Americans as lazy.  Sigh.

So.  파이팅!

Caveat: Lurking

Banalities & Journaling

I don't think I have the flu.  I think somehow, my body decided that now was finally a time to try to get some rest.  I know it seems silly, but although all that traveling around and visiting people was great fun, it wasn't very relaxing.

I came out of that meditation thing on the 20th of December feeling very centered and relaxed — and in that sense, despite all my complaining about the Buddhist dogma and all that, it was good for me.  But from then until now I've been pushing very hard.

Anyway, I have had zero motivation.  My friend Curt has placed me in a "wait a few days" limbo around the job prospect.  There's enough positive outlook, that I don't feel justified in going whole out into a job search for other options, but it's hard to just wait.  So I have become a lurker, temporarily.  Doing some reading.  Doing some studying.  Enjoying some walks in the slush and brisk cold of wintery Seoul's Mapo-gu area where my little guesthouse is. 

Caveat: Faceplant, Fragility

Banalities & Journaling

Yesterday, walking, I slipped on the ice and fell down.  Hard.  Faceplant on the icey sidewalk which had recently been dusted with a thin layer of fresh snow. 

No excuses… it was just bad luck and poor coordination.  Always, such things are embarrassing, but more so, in Korea as foreigner, where people already stare at you simply for existing.  A woman was very concerned, and it was odd, once I'd done the basic inventory to make sure that I was in one piece, but I found myself feeling pleased that I was communicating (not well, but communicating) that I was fine in Korean:  괜찮아요, 네, 괜찮아요.

I had a bit of a scrape to my face, but it wasn't bad … mostly a blow to the ego.  My wrist hurt, because of how I'd fallen, but it didn't seem bad.  A scrape on the hand, more than on the face but not so publicly visible, so less annoying.

It wasn't until I got back to my little room in the guesthouse that my wrist really started hurting.  I began to worry I'd fractured something.  I held it out, next to the other hand, and looked for swelling.  I carefully felt each part, to identify where the pain was, and decided it was the tendons on the back of wrist that had gotten damaged.  But the pain was pretty bad.  I took some ibuprofin, and lay in my bed in the dark contemplating buying a couple bottles of soju and drinking them to pass out.

I thought, if it's like this tomorrow, I'll have to got to a hospital.  And my life, right then, felt very fragile.  All the contentment, all the comfort with just being out  waiting for whatever's next, all that was missing.  I just felt awful.

But in the morning, my wrist felt better, though not perfect.  That confirmed that I hadn't broken anything… especially when I found I could type fine, again. 

[this is a "back-post" written 2010-01-16]

Caveat: And zombier than before

Banalities & Journaling

I think I'm just feeling exhausted from all the travel.  It's finally caught up with me.  I met with Curt yesterday, and we talked some about the job prospect — he's the one I'd like to work for, if it's possible, here.  I think he's torn between wanting to hire me and feeling overwhelmed by the bureaucratic obstacles  he faces that are required for him to be able to do so.  So, as is Korean custom, everything is … "we'll see."

I'm just kind of taking it easy, today.  Trying to get back into a study routine with Korean.

More later.

Caveat: I ♥ Korea

Banalities & Journaling / Life in Korea

I don't know why.  I just do.  It's not like I have any super close friends here… and there are other countries that have felt friendlier (such as El Salvador) or are more stunningly beautiful (such as Chile).  Just a weird fascination, I guess.

Lots of things are just comfortingly familiar, now.  The convenience store on every corner.  The crazy moped drivers (worse with all the snow and ice).  The heated floors.  The way everyone tries to dress fashionably in an utterly impractical way.   The ubiquitous cell phones (I have got to get one or I will be like a blind guy at at deaf persons' convention).  The smell of kimchi.

OK.  Enough nostalgia.  Am I over the jetlag?  Not really, but feeling more rested.  Time to try to be productive.

Caveat: Jetlag Zombie Fun

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

Of course, it always happens.  But sometimes it's worse than others… I think it has to do with time of day at departure and arrival, as well as number of time zones, etc.  When I went back to the US, it didn't seem so bad.  It's really bad, this time.  But… at least this time, I don't have to be working or doing anything… I deliberately gave myself a wide open schedule for this return.  So basically yesterday I tried my best to stay awake and do stuff, but by 6 pm I was out.  And that meant that at 2 am, I was up.  But not really doing anything productive.  Hmm… we'll see how this goes.

I tried really hard to go back to sleep, just figuring the extra sleep couldn't hurt in trying to reset the internal clock, but I almost immediately awoke from a terrible, vivid nightmare.  I haven't had a scary dream in a long time, and this one was interesting in one respect:  I was having a car accident on a snowy road, while driving my truck.  Interesting because the dream activated some anxieties that are always there, in winter driving, but apparently they chose not to manifest until I'd safely abandoned my truck in the US and returned to Korea.  I was driving down a steep hill, like the Ramsey Street one in St Paul, maybe.  Lot's of snow and ice.  The car in front of me started spinning, and I stepped on the brakes only to realize I had zero traction, too.  I went over a cliff in my little truck.  

Anyway, that was the end of trying to sleep more.

I'm not in the mood to write.  I'm trying to get into the mode of studying my Korean again… but that's feeling desperate and difficult, at the moment.

More later.

Caveat: All that snow, just for me?

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

Probably not.  But I have spent 3 winters in greater Seoul over my lifetime, and I've never seen it covered in beautiful snow like it is now.  I'm so glad I came back to this.  And… it's still at least marginally warmer than Minnesota, although a difficult adjustment after running the vehicle's airconditioner yesterday while driving on the 605 in LA.

Which to say, I have safely arrived in Seoul.  Uneventful flight, Korean Airlines is predictably fabulous to fly with.  I don't have a phone yet, but I'm going to look into that, today.

So, here I am!  What's next?  Uh… better start working on that job-thing, eh?

Caveat: Chupe de Pescado

Banalities & Journaling / Food & Drink / Hiking & Travel

I went to Costa Mesa and ate lunch at Inka Grill restaurant today.  I met an old friend Mary there, since she lives in Orange County, that was convenient. 

I have been craving chupe de pescado a lot.  I used to eat it there when I was working in Newport Beach (an office park near the Costa Mesa city line).  I was glad it was still there.

And I spent a lot of time driving around LA freeways.  They're so familiar.  A strange sort of frustration/comfort sets in.

Now I'm at LAX.  I'm going back to Korea.  I will experience no January 6, 2010, because of the date line.  Maybe I should post something very strange and otherworldly for that date, because of this?

Caveat: A reason to leave L.A.

Banalities & Journaling

I was talking with my brother earlier, and told him I was planning on driving down to Costa Mesa tomorrow — I'm craving Peruvian food from a restaurant there I used to frequent with coworkers when I worked in Newport Beach in 2005-06.   My brother's droll comment was:  "Well, that will give you a reason to leave L.A."

Caveat: Bernardo O’Higgins

Banalities & Journaling / My Photos

Bernardo O’Higgins was a Chilean patriot of Irish descent, who lived during the time of the war for Chile’s independence from Spain, in the 1820’s. He worked with other famous South Americans such as Argentina’s San Martin and Colombia’s Bolivar.

But in the 1990’s, I used the name Bernardo O’Higgins as the name of a character in one of the stories I used to make up and tell to my stepson, Jeffrey. These were imaginary stories involving talking animals in science-fictiony plots. The main character was a dog named Gilgamesh. I can’t remember what animal Bernardo O’Higgins was in my stories, but when we bought our third cat in 1994, that became her name. Despite the fact that Bernardo is a male name, the cat was a girl, but still her name was Bernardo O’Higgins.

Over the years, her name was typically shortened to Bernie, and she became, definitively and specifically my cat. When Michelle died in 2000, Bernie came to live with me in Los Angeles, and she followed me to my various residences out here, in Burbank, North Hollywood, Highland Park and Long Beach. Finally, she came with me to Minnesota, her birth-home, when I moved back there in 2006.

But I couldn’t take her to Korea. So she ended up at my dad’s house here in Highland Park. Here she is lazing in the gentle Southern California January sunshine.

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Here is a random view from dad’s front porch. Not very wintery, here.

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And here is Bernie, having moved into my open suitcase this evening, while my dad and I went out to dinner. I guess she wishes I would take her with me back to Korea?

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Caveat: United Airlines Is Still the Worst Airline in the Known Universe

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

So, I missed my flight, this morning.  Why?  Because I arrived at the airport only 1 hour and 20 minutes before my flight.  This was a mistake.   And, I admit my mistake. 

I made the mistake because on 12/28, when I flew from LA to MSP, was to all appearances an equally busy travel day, and I had zero problems and everything went very smoothly and very quickly.   I made the erroneous assumption that I'd see the same situation today, since the security situation should have, if anything, improved (given the additional time lapsed since the Christmas mess).    So I didn't check the news to see if the airport was going to clogged up, I didn't worry too much about it… I just gave myself about an hour and a half, and showed up.  I've been traveling so much, and it's all gone so smoothly, that I've become a bit cavalier.  I admit that.  I share some of the blame, yes…

But the Minneapolis airport seems profoundly mismanaged.  And United Airlines, specifically, continues to be the most horribly sucky airline I have ever dealt with. So, I will also blame United.

I got in line to check in and check my bags at 4:45.  I waited in line for 45 minutes.  None of the other airlines at the airport had such long, slow-moving lines, as far as I could tell.  There was a long line at American Airlines, but US Airways seemed almost lineless, and Northwest (AKA Delta) has so many counters that it all seemed very much under control.

Anyway, the time shown on when they actually issued my boarding pass was 5:29.   And that was after they let me cut in line because of my departure time.   But this still ended up meaning that the 45 minute wait at TSA (security check) left me too late at the gate for my 6:00 flight.

Actually, United always seems understaffed at their check-in counters, relative to my experience with other airlines (my flight out from Burbank to Minneapolis was with US Airways, and despite it being 12/28, three days after the horrible almost-disaster on Christmas day, everything went very quickly and very smoothly).

In fact, I can state unequivocally that I have NEVER had a pleasant travel experience with United Airlines, in nearly 3 decades of fairly extensive air travel, whereas my experiences with other airlines is at least 50/50 (good/bad), and there are some real winners, such that I have almost never had a bad experience with, e.g., US Airways and Korean Airlines.

There had been a time, about half a decade ago, when I was very conscientiously boycotting United because of past bad experiences, but I guess my commitment to that boycott recently wavered in the light of my last-minute need for a cheap ticket on this current trip.   But the fact of my need to boycott United Airlines has been confirmed by this morning's experience, although obviously I need to concede that my current unpleasant experience has been exacerbated by both the Minneapolis airport's apparent gross mismanagement of the holiday crowds, compared to the other airports I've been in recently, as well as the current security mess surrounding the recent terrorist attempt at Detroit.

Regardless, I am convinced that had my return flight also been with US Airways (whose check-in line was moving in a relatively breezy fashion as I gazed at it longingly this morning from my spot stuck in the United line), I would have made my flight easily this morning.  And thus, I must conclude, United Airlines is the still the worst airline in the known universe.

OK, enough of my rant.

I calmed down by sitting crosslegged on the floor, shutting my eyes, and practicing my recently acquired anapana skill.   Then I broke down, paid Boingo (another sucky company) their $7.95, and came online.  I'm on standby, now, waiting for a flight.  Who knows when I'll get to L.A.  Ah, the risks of last-minute cheap tickets.

In other news… today is a palindrome:  01022010 (or, depending how you like to write your dates, 20100102).  Cool, huh?

More later.

Caveat: Bye, Stuff

Background Noise / Banalities & Journaling / Media (Texts/Music/Movies etc)

I said goodbye to my stuff at my storage unit, today.  I’m returning to Korea in a few days, after staging for a last few days through L.A.

I put the last of my things that I needed to store in the unit, locked it up, and drove away into a swollen orange full moon rising over Eagan.  The temperature was 0 degrees F.  I heard a song by Metric, on the radio, called “Help, I’m Alive.”

What I’m listening to right now.

[Youtube embed added later, part of the Background Noise project.]

Caveat: Belerofonte perdido

Banalities & Journaling / Life is a Dream

I awoke from a very strange dream last night.  It was one of those awkward "back at grad school" dreams.  I was at some social function, but with scholarly types and colleagues most of whom I didn't like or trust particularly.  Michelle was there too, but she was being unusually uncommunicative.

I was trying to talk to someone about my thesis topic:  Cervantes' Persiles.  But the person I was talking to was ignoring me, basically.  I felt in over my depth, which was a common sensation in grad school.  And then I found this book sitting on a side table in the living-room type place we were in.  It was an ancient looking, leather-bound book, and the title on the spine was Belerofonte perdido [Bellerophon Lost].  More weirdly, the author was clearly stated as Washington Irving.  Really.

I opened the book, inside my dream, and began to read.  It was a sort of romantic-era imitation of one of the late medieval peninsular novelas de cabelleria.  And as best I could deduce from the title page, this was a translation of something written by Washington Irving.  Now… I realize (based on a few googlings this morning) that this is in no way "real."  But there's just a hint of plausibility.  And it was quite magical, to be reading these imaginary passages of complex early 19th century Spanish prose translated from 19th century English prose which had been written in imitation of 15th century Spanish prose.  Such is my weird imagination.

Within the dream I began to reason through what was happening.  There wasn't much action going on, it was very cerebral and meditative, but in the sense that I was aware that I was dreaming, it was a remarkably lucid dream.  Here is what I was thinking.

I suppose there's some logic to some aspects of this coming out this way.  Last night, I went to see the movie Avatar with Mark, Charlie and Martin.  The movie was pretty good, and very imaginative, though not the best-written thing, plotwise or dialogwise.  And there's a bit of a visitation to some of the themes of the Bellerophon myth, especially in the scenes involving the taming and riding of the flying dragon-creatures, a la Pegasus.  But more importantly, there had been some previews before the movie that had puzzled me a bit:  two movies, not related, advertised, on Greek-mythology themes.

"What's that about?" I had wondered to myself.  "Where's this sudden interest in Greek mythology coming from, from the depths of the Hollywood machine?"  But… so… that's where Bellerophon comes in.

Why was Bellerophon lost?  Well, for his arrogance.  Is that a warning against arrogance, to me, from my subconscious?

Where's my Pegasus?  What's my Chimera?  Is it even about me?  The people in the grad school party around me didn't matter, I was absorbed by the story.  It was just a dream, after all.

I awoke from my dream, got up, and went and had a great breakfast with my friends Shari and Kristen in St Paul.   I have so many wonderful friends, who so kindly tolerate my aimless itinerancy.

Caveat: Korean Food in Eagan

Banalities & Journaling / Food & Drink / Hiking & Travel / My Photos

I went out to lunch at a Korean restaurant in a strip mall along highway 13 in Eagan, with a bunch of friends: Bob and Sarah and Henry, and Mark and Amy and Charlie and Martin, and Tayo (Bob’s nephew) was along too.

Our expectations were low. And… I’ve not eaten Korean since coming back from Korea. Surprising? A little, maybe, but I figure I’ll be getting plenty of Korean soon enough, when I go back. Still, we decided to try it out — it’s basically across the highway from where my storage unit is, so it’s conveniently located.

It turned out to be very good. Authentic feeling, and excellent food. I highly recommend Hoban Restaurant to anyone living in or passing through Minnesota and craving a “real” Korean dining experience. I had some kimchi dolsotbap which was excellent.

With Bob and Mark both there, it’s been a bit of an “1808 Portland” reunion — 1808 Portland Avenue in St Paul is the duplex house that Bob, Mark and I shared as housemates (along with some others) back in the 1980’s, at the time I was attending the University of Minnesota. I drove by that place the other day, and took a picture, for old-time’s sake — I have such fond memories of my time living there (over 2 years, I think):

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Caveat: 2009

Banalities & Journaling / Year-In-Six-Sentences

I continued at L-Bridge until September, but I let my contract run out. I loved teaching elementary-age kids, and I wondered, ‘Am I happy?’ I wasn’t completely happy, but I was happier than during most of my life – so, all things being relative, it seems like I’ve chosen a good “career.” Nevertheless, since more than a few days’ vacation is unheard of in the hagwon biz, I decided I needed to “check in” back in the U.S., so I resigned my job (with the idea of re-taking it, or something similar, upon return) and went back to the U.S. for a few months. I put 10000 miles on my pickup truck in 3 months, and then sold it. I spent 10 days at a Buddhist Monastery outside of Chicago.
[This entry is part of a timeline I am making using this blog. I am writing a single entry for each year of my life, which when viewed together in order will provide a sort of timeline. This entry wasn’t written in 2009 – it was written in the future.]
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Caveat: It’s a bad choice!

Banalities & Journaling / Kids

Henry explains:

I was out Bob's parents in White Bear Lake last night. Bob and Sarah and Henry were there, visiting up from Wisconsin, and Mark and Amy and Charlie and Martin came out, too, as well as Bob's sister Mary Anne and her son Tayo, visiting from DC. It was a good gathering. Bob's parents don't think I'm a bad influence on him anymore, like they used to when they first met me.

Caveat: Minneapolis

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel / My Photos

After driving from Denver to L.A. over the weekend, I left my truck there (where I’m selling it to my dad) and flew back to Minneapolis, to take care of the last-minute things that I need to do before returning to Korea. Landing in Minneapolis, getting my rental car and driving out into the bright sunshine: 23 F (-5 C), piles of dirty snow… I really do love it here. Of my many homes, this is my “truest” home, I suppose.

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Caveat: The end of driving

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

Since landing in Minneapolis upon my return from Korea on September 24, I have put over 14,000 miles (that's around 22,500 km) on my little truck.  I have visited 26 states (and 1 Canadian province).  And now I'm tired of driving.  I'm selling my truck.  I'm in Los Angeles.

I'll fly back to Minneapolis tomorrow, where I'll rent a car for around-town type errands.  But I'm done with road-trips.  At least, for the time being.  And I return to Los Angeles next weekend, and I'm going back to Korea soon after that.  This vast crazy North American tour is almost over.  I'm looking forward to being back in Korea, although my job situation is more up-in-the-air than I'd been intending.  But it will work out… and even if it doesn't, I'm confident things will be fine.

Caveat: World of Goo

Banalities & Journaling

My friend Mark gave me a copy of a computer game called "World of Goo."  I showed it to my nephews, and it's been a huge hit.  Nephew James, age 5, spent hours playing it this morning, and my brother-in-law Eric got into it too.

I drove down from Brenda and Eric's at around midday today, and will spend Christmas eve and Christmas day with my sister's in-laws in Denver's southwestern suburbs.  I have a pretty long-lasting tradition of spending Christmas with my sister's extended in-law family, mostly in Phoenix in years past, but I've missed the last few years, being in Korea.  This year, it's at Jodi and Doug's here in Colorado.

Caveat: Back on the road for the shortest day of the year

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

After that long break, I’m driving again. I went from my friend’s in southeastern Wisconsin as far as Kansas City today — I’m going to Denver for Christmas, and although the southern route (via Missouri and Kansas) is a few hours longer than the northern route (via Iowa and Nebraska), because of the winter storms on the satelite, I made the choice of taking the southern route.  Plus, I always have a special feeling for Kansas City, even though I rarely stop there. I had a lot of relatives there at one time, though most of them have redistributed over the years — it’s my mother’s birthplace, and her mother’s too, I think. So it’s a kind of maternal-line homeland. Plus, I just think it’s an interesting and attractive city.
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Caveat: Ummm

Banalities & Journaling / Buddhism & Zen / Life is a Dream

I will be completely "offline" for the next 11 days.  I'm going on a meditation retreat.

No, I haven't become a buddhist.  Or anything like that.  And, actually, I've felt somewhat embarrassed telling some of the people who know me that I'm doing this, but in fact it's something I've wanted to do, and have been planning, on and off, for not just years, but decades.   I guess I feel embarrassed because it doesn't really match the cynical, anti-spiritual persona I present of myself.  Well, anyway…

I will be off the internet, off cellphones, not even taking reading material, for this next week and a half.  If I come out a weird cultist, I'm counting on everyone to do some kind of "intervention" quickly.  But as my friend Bob said, earlier today,  I came out still myself from the Army, and lots of other crazy things… no reason why this should affect me any differently, right?

"I will always retain my inner core of pure cynicism," I retorted.  But it's been shading toward a weird, optimistic sort of cynicism for some years now, I would add.   The positive-thinking cynic?

Caveat: Pretty Good Continent

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel / Quotable

I visited my "friends-from-Korea" Joe and Christine this evening, in Bloomington, Indiana, after driving across from Philadelphia and staying in a motel last night south of Pittsburgh.

Joe said something funny:  "I keep following your blog, waiting for you to stop moving, but you keep moving."   I've been traveling a lot, definitely.   North America seems like a pretty good continent.

More later.

Caveat: Chévere

Banalities & Journaling / Español Aleatorio (Random Spanish) / Hiking & Travel / My Photos

Visité con me amiga Asima hoy, en Filadelfia. Siendo puertorriqueña, ella es suele usar la palabra “chévere,” que es un argot caribeño para decir “cool.” En este foto se ven unas máscaras “vejigantes” que me intriguían…

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Ésta es la casa donde vivía durante mi primer año en la Universidad de Pennsylvania, en la 43rd con Baltimore.

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Caveat: Michelle’s Ghost

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel / Life is a Dream / My Photos

I stopped and had dinner with my friend Basil last night, in Morgantown, where he’s enrolled in a graduate program in TESOL. It was weird seeing someone from my “life in Korea” while driving around the US, but he’s a very cool guy and in some ways he was my best friend during my time in Korea.

Today, I stopped in Quakertown. It was snowing hard, and eastern Pennsylvania is very beautiful. But there are personal ghosts of a difficult past, resident in the names of highways and towns, in the vistas of rivers and in the office parks alongside freeways. I’m trying to make peace with some of these ghosts, and the ghost of ghosts is Michelle’s ghost. I went to the house where she took her own life, in June of 2000. I wasn’t there — we were already separated, although divorce wasn’t something we were talking about seriously, at that point.  But we’d been talking on the phone about once a week, all that spring and early summer. So I knew “where she was at” and I knew things weren’t going well.  When I got the call from her mom that she had died, I had already bought the airplane ticket to Philadelphia — I had intuited something terrible was happening, perhaps.

I flew out, and it was chaotic, nightmarish. I spent long hours in that house in Quakertown, where I’d never actually lived, since she and Jeffrey had moved in there after I’d gone to Los Angeles to stay with my father. All my “stuff” was there, along with hers.  I had to sort it all out, without offending the debt-lawyers who wanted to liquidate assets.

So, today I visited that house in Quakertown. I sometimes have had a strong feeling that Michelle’s ghost is following me around in the world. But other times, I’ve thought that if she has a ghost, it’s more likely tied down at that house. Stranded.

I parked my truck and got out and walked around. I talked to Michelle’s ghost, telling her that I wanted to come visit, to tell her how Jeffrey was doing, what I’d been doing.  I opened the passenger door to my truck, and I invited her to join me in my travels. I don’t know that she came along. I don’t know that she was there. I’m not really a believer in ghosts, but I do believe in powerful psychological symbolisms. I guess.

Here is a picture of the house in Quakertown.

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Caveat: Somewhere in Ohio

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel

My extremely disorganized, whirlwind tour to the East is well underway.   I'm basically driving to Philly for the weekend, with side trips to New Jersey, West Virginia and Indiana squeezed in where they best fit the itinerary.   It snowed continuously all across Wisconsin, driving down last night, but Chicago was clear at midnight and beautiful.  And now I'm in Ohio, near Oberlin, which makes me remember my year in politics, 1984, when I worked for the Mondale campaign and ended up at some conference/rally in Oberlin during one hectic long weekend.   That was a long time ago, eh?

Caveat: Kafka Teaching at Hagwon

Banalities & Journaling / Hiking & Travel / Life is a Dream

I woke from a vivid, angry dream. Was it from all that exertion, yesterday, moving my stuff? Is it because I’m stressing over the fact that I haven’t heard back from Curt about the job?  Not sure…

I dreamed that I was starting my teaching at some new hagwon. In the dream, it’s Curt’s, but it doesn’t look like Curt’s (which I’ve visited and know very well what it looks like). The place is VERY disorganized, and resembles a theme-park more than an Ilsan hagwon. On my first day, they hand me only a class schedule, not even any books. I’m late to my first class, because I don’t hear any bell. And all the classes after that are in a row, with no breaks, and I can’t find them. I walk into random classrooms, and ask, “is this…?” to find out if it’s the correct class.

The kids are recalcitrant, and then they begin to lie. They answer “No” when it should be “yes” to my question. And then, I lose the piece of paper with the schedule I’d been given. I go back to the staff office, and no one there is willing to admit they work there. No one will give me a new schedule. There’s some guy cleaning the floors, but when I start to talk to him, he runs away.

I’m climbing ladders and going down seemingly hidden passages to find classrooms, only to find they’re empty, or already with another teacher.  One teacher asks me, “why are you teaching here?” There’s a group of kids sitting in what looks like a sidewalk cafe, but they’re clearly supposed to be in class. I begin to yell at them, and they just laugh. I go back to the office to try to find out what class they are — are they mine? By the time I get back to the sidewalk cafe, they’re all gone.

Very strange dream. Shows a lot of anxiety over the teaching thing, huh?

I woke to find snow on the ground, outside. After yesterday’s efforts, I’m majorly unmotivated. Snow is beautiful, but inconvenient to run errands in.

Here’s the truck, in Mark & Amy’s driveway, covered with a dusting of fresh snow:

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Caveat: Jared, 7 … Storage Unit Full of Stuff, 1

Banalities & Journaling / My Photos

I win! I win!

Well… not really. But I was productive.

I downgraded my storage unit to a smaller size, today. And moved all my stuff into the smaller unit. I counted 117 round trips, walking between the two units, about 100 yards apart, carrying all my stuff. And that’s not counting the trips my friends Mark and Amy and Martin and Charlie made when they came to help toward the end of the day.

But I got everything moved, on schedule, and everything fit. I have 50 boxes of books, 20 boxes of old notes and files, 30 boxes of who-knows-what-kind-of-junk, a refrigerator, a couch, bookshelves, tables, many plastic bins of clothing, etc. A lot of stuff.

Now I feel very tired. I think tomorrow I will start driving East.

Here is a picture of about 50 boxes of books, arrayed in spaced piles 4 high, in preparation for the journey on a 2-wheeled dolly over to the new, smaller storage unit:
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