I went to my work Xmas party this afternoon/evening. I felt very alienated and lonely, there. Frustrated with my linguistic inabilities. Isolated because I simply don't have a basis to relate to my coworkers.
Actually, I've been feeling alienated a lot, lately. I'm very conscious of being "older," here. More than I have been. Korea is a very ageist society, in some ways, and the majority of my coworkers are clearly unsure what to make of my being an "older" person without a clearly wrought space in the complex social hierarchies here. It's perhaps easier to be a younger foreigner in Korea, because youth in general have more freedom in some ways to behave as they wish, and are more forgiven for failing to meet social expectations. Perhaps.
Then again, as I sat watching the very alien proceedings of the Xmas party, I reflected that I'd likely have felt almost equally alone and isolated and alienated in a work-related holiday function if it were in the U.S. Or anywhere. So the fact that I'm here is no excuse. In general, the fact that I'm here (here in Korea… here at hellbridge working…) offers no real justification for my feelings. These are endogenous, right?
I've always been an alien.
Yesterday I got very lazy and decadent. I'd downloaded some movies. I watched Apocalypse Now Redux (the 2000 re-cut of the 1979 movie). Then, just to make sure I got plenty of perspective on the whole Southeast Asian nightmare, I watched The Killing Fields.
Both profoundly uplifting fare. In compensation, I also watched a few more episodes of 옥탑방고양이 (rooftop cat), although I must say that although I enjoy the show, I've decided the theme music that they play is incredibly annoying. I actually will watch it with the sound turned off when they play that theme music (no big deal, since I mostly rely on subtitles anyhow).
Then I took a long walk, in the wintery.
Sigh.