Caveat: 미쳤어…

I survived Grace’s vacation. My coworker came back from vacation this week, after having been gone for a little over a month. So my 35+ classes per week will end. I put in a few long days this week getting caught up on getting my grades and student performance comments posted to the computer, and as of 9pm this evening, a new tentative schedule is published where I return to a more normal class load.

I feel like I survived the past month with very little stress, comparatively. I kind of approached it “heads-down” and just plowed through, but it helped that there were no major crises, and no serious issues. Things went more or less smoothly.

It’s worth observing that I’ve reached the conclusion that hagwon work, in crisis mode, is equivalent to Hongnong Elementary in normal mode. And Hongnong Elementary in crisis mode, is like… well, it’s like being on the losing side of a major combat simulation. I’m not talking about workload – obviously, there’s no comparison: hagwon work is WORK, Hongnong elementary wasn’t really work. But I’m talking about atmospherics, stressors, incomprehensible dictates from on high, etc.

I felt like I really accomplished something, this week, having completed the increased class load, and getting my July grades posted, and writing out comments on all my students. And then I came home, went on a little jog in the park at 11 pm, and came home and made some tomato and pesto pasta for a late dinner. Yay.

What I’m listening to, right now.

손담비, “미쳤어” [Son Dam Bi – Michyeosseo “crazy”].

The verb michida (conjugated into an informal past tense michyeosseo in this song) is generally translated as “crazy” but I don’t think that’s accurate at all. It means “crazy” so that captures the semantics, but the pragmatics are quite different. “Crazy” in English is quite mild, and can be used positively quite casually: e.g. “Oh, man, that was a crazy fun time.” Etc. But in Korean, you really can’t use the word that way – not in polite company, anyway. It’s not as strong as “fuck,” but I’ve had Koreans react to my use of the word as an American might to an unexpected use of that word. So I almost want to come up with some different kind of translation for the song title. Not sure what to use, though, that would capture the lower social register of the Korean. Maybe something as simple as “Fucked up.”

Here are the lyrics.

pictureyes yes, no no, which way to go,
2008 e to the r i c , let’s go
내가 미쳤어 정말 미쳤어
너무 미워서 떠나버렸어
너무 쉽게 끝난 사랑
다시 돌아오지 않는단걸 알면서도
미쳤어 내가 미쳤어
그땐 미쳐 널 잡지 못했어
나를 떠떠떠떠떠 떠나 버버버버버 버려
그 짧은 추억만을 남겨둔채로 날
후회했어 니가 가버린뒤
난 더 불행해져 네게 버려진뒤
너를 잃고 싶지않아 줄것이 더 많아 나를 떠나지마라
죽도록 사랑했어 너 하나만을
다시는 볼수없단 미친생각에
눈물만 흐르네 술에 취한밤에 오늘은 잠을 이룰수없어
내가 미쳤어 정말 미쳤어
너무 미워서 떠나버렸어
너무 쉽게 끝난 사랑
다시 돌아오지 않는단걸 알면서도
미쳤어 내가 미쳤어
그땐 미쳐 널 잡지 못했어
나를 떠떠떠떠떠 떠나 버버버버버 버려
그 짧은 추억만을 남겨둔채로 날
사랑이 벌써 식어버린건지
이제와 왜 난 후회하는건지
떠나간자리 혼자남은 난 이렇게 내 가슴은 무너지고
죽도록 사랑했어 너 하나만을
다시는 볼수없단 미친생각에
눈물만 흐르네 술에 취한밤에 오늘은 잠을 이룰수없어
내가 미쳤어 정말 미쳤어
너무 미워서 떠나버렸어
너무 쉽게 끝난 사랑 다시 돌아오지 않는단걸 알면서도
미쳤어 내가 미쳤어
그땐 미쳐 널 잡지 못했어
나를 떠떠떠떠떠 떠나 버버버버버 버려
그 짧은 추억만을 남겨둔채로 날
Rap by Eric:
너 의 memories 이런 delete it 매일밤 부르는건 your name 들리니? 몹시 아팠나봐 이젠 시작이란 말조차 난겁나 open up a chapter man i’m afaid of that 전화기를들어 확인해 니 messages, 떠나줬으면 좋겠어, catch me if you can but i’m out of here
내가 미쳤어 정말 미쳤어
너무 미워서 떠나버렸어
너무 쉽게 끝난 사랑 다시 돌아오지 않는단걸 알면서도
미쳤어 내가 미쳤어
그땐 미쳐 널 잡지 못했어
나를 떠떠떠떠떠 떠나 버버버버버 버려
그 짧은 추억만을 남겨둔채로 날

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Caveat: Ham Rove and Sauron

I was really exhausted after work yesterday. We’re getting a lot of new students, which is a typical part of the hagwon business cycle, since it’s summer vacation and parents are looking for ways to offload their kids – what better way than to enroll them in a hagwon or three?  But anyway… I don’t have much to say. New students are a lot of work, mostly because of the shambolic curriculum, meaning that each new student requires a great deal of photocopying of materials and “catch-up” counselling. One thing I really appreciated at LBridge, in retrospect, was how smoothly incoming students were integrated into the tightly programmed curriculum. Because all the teachers followed the same texts, in the same pattern, on a published (via website) schedule, new students and the intake (front-desk) people could find out where the student should be and what materials they needed before they even came to class. Often, kids would show up for their first class already having done the homework, even.

OK – it’s easy to wax nostalgic for previous experiences – there were things that made LBridge a terrible place to work, too. So each place has its positives and negatives, right? I’m going through one of those inadequate-feeling phases with work, I suppose.

I was watching Colbert, thought this was very funny: he’s interviewing “Ham Rove” – a stand-in for Karl Rove. Note that’s a Sauron figurine behind Ham Rove to the far right. I think Sauron is Obama. Colbert definitely has his funny moments.

picture

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Caveat: Old School

Working at my current hagwon is definitely “old school” Korea, in some ways. I suppose what I mean is that it’s a small business, where the human relationships are what dominate the employer-employee interactions, as opposed to the pseudo-professional character of the big chain hagwon (such as I experienced at LBridge) or the bureaucratic-but-hopefully-benign neglect that seems to reign in public schools (such as I experienced at Hongong Chodeung – minus the benignity).

pictureThis was underscored for me last night. Our hagwon is going to have a short little couple-of-days-vacation (not because it wants to – it’s a new provincial-level regulation that’s being forced on all the hagwon industry, apparently). Curt gave a little speech thanking all the hard work from the teachers and staff (July has been a tough month, the combination of increased class offerings and enrollment due to summer vacation, combined with Grace being on her long vacation meaning we’re short one teacher).

Then he handed out envelopes of cash.

I suppose there might be, um, er, “tax reasons” for handing out envelopes of cash, too – as opposed to simply paying higher salaries. But there’s nothing like two crisp gold-colored bills to make one feel appreciated, eh? The note reads “즐거운 휴가 되세요^^ 감사합니다.” [Have a pleasant holiday^^ Thank you.] Actually, I knew Curt did things like this – I’ve witnessed him doing it before, but had never been on the receiving end of it up until now.

Tangentially, below is a picture from the bathroom window at work. It was raining, and something in the view of all the apartment tower blocks seemed stark yet somehow iconic of life in high-density Ilsan. Remember, although this looks like something an American would call “housing projects,” in Korea this is upper-middle class. Everyone has a car in the underground parking garages. All the kids want to go to Harvard or Oxford or Yonsei or KAIST. One thing that is striking for me, about Ilsan, is that, because it’s one of the “oldest” of the 신도시 [sin-do-si = “New City”], it is lushly populated by large, healthy trees: apartment towers in a forest.

picture

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Caveat: Pushing; Heartless; Nerd-Angst.

I’m struggling with the fact that I’m actually enjoying work more, now that I’m teaching 35 class-hours a week. It’s because I derive positive energy out of being in the classroom with the kids, whereas I generally find sitting in the staff room dinking around with prep work (or trying to write textbooks) depressing and dull. But there’s a burnout aspect out of pushing this hard, too – it’s fulfilling but not sustainable, maybe. I don’t know.

I’m doing OK – I’m doing almost nothing aside from working, lately. I’ve set aside my two main hobbies: fiction and/or poetry writing, and trying to study Korean. I haven’t been jogging every evening like I was before this hard push at work, too. Good habits die so easily, don’t they? I had barely got the thing off the ground, and all it took was a few nights of “oh-I’m-too-tired.” Well.

What I’m listening to right now.

The Fray – Cover of Kanye West’s “Heartless.” I like the video a lot too – talk about awesome animation capturing teen nerd-angst.

picture

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Caveat: Ojingeogirl and Gulbiboy


pictureLast Friday evening, in the “TP2” class.  Everyone was in a joking mood.

Brandon said, “Did you know Cindy has a strange body.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, imagining something bad. But then the girl demonstrated strange, double-jointed limbs.

“She can put her arms behind her back strange too,” the girl next to her said. Cindy tried to demonstrate, but the constraints of her sitting position didn’t permit her a full range of motion. Still, I was impressed.

“Like an octopus,” somebody said.

picture“오징어 [ojingeo = squid],” I said. Somebody laughed. “She could be a new superhero,” I added. I’ve been thinking about superheroes, and this seemed clever. “Ojingeogirl,” I suggested. Dried squid are a universal snack food, with the same level of iconicity as hotdogs in American culture, maybe.

Cindy seemed impressed by this idea, and several other students began to riff on it. Then Luis said, “How about Gulbiboy, too? Who is Gulbiboy?”

I pointed to Brandon. I’d been telling the students short stories about my life in Yeonggwang, earlier, and they were charmed by my accounts of “Gulbi-land” – the preponderance of gulbi shops selling the (in)famous Yeonggwang gulbi (a sort of dried croaker fish).

I pretended to have a string of dried gulbi, which I lifted. All Koreans know what dried gulbi look like, because the strings of fish are given as gifts on holidays. I mimed extracting one of the 20 cm long fish from the string, and pretended to throw it like a shuriken (Japanese “ninja” throwing star) at Luis.  “Thwack,” I emphasized. The students were all in convulsions of laughter at this point.

“Oh no, Gulbiboy!” complained Luis.

Later on, Brandon tapped me on the shoulder, in the lobby. “I am Gulbiboy!” he whispered, triumphantly. Brandon is very tall, but his face reminds me a great deal of my nephew’s, perhaps if it were aged a few years further into early adolescence. I feel a certain connection with him for that reason, maybe.

“Go rescue Ojingeogirl, then,” I suggested, pointing toward Cindy, standing out by the elevator. He made a pleased face, before he thought it through, and thought better of this.

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Caveat: The length and width of summer time

If I were a Korean middle school student, I'd be grumpy, too.  But I think one reason I don't really enjoy teaching middle school students is because unlike with elementary age children, I don't really know how to deal with adolescent grumpiness.  With the younger ones, I can be a clown, I can regress myself, and more times than not, I can pull the kids out past their grumpiness and we can move on.  But with the older kids, I just get drawn into it.  Older kids are more stubborn in their anger.  I had a hard day today.

I don't really have much more to say.  I ran 5 km tonight, when I got home from work.  Unlike most people, exercise never puts me in a good mood, and I question whether it really serves to lessen my depressive tendencies, for that matter.  My time in the military, when I exercised daily and was in the best physical condition of my entire life, was – as some who know me well will recall – also one of the most depressed periods in my life.  Still, there were many factors contributing to that.  What I mean by this is only that I challenge the commonplace that holds that regular exercise is a legitimate way to combat depression.  But I do need to be healthier, and lose some weight, so I'm pursuing building this habit, regardless of how grumpy it seems to be making me.

What I'm listening to right now.

Sarah Jarosz – Long Journey:

I have just begun
A long journey that will run
The length and width of summer time
And the cool fall air will guide me home
Yea the cool fall air will blow me home

You'll be miles away
I want to go, but I wanna stay
The music beggin' me to go
But your love can guide me home
Yea your love can guide me home

Stary nights and summer sun
I think you just might be the one
With this mountain pass keep runnin' on
And I wonder if your love and guide me home
Oh yea I wonder if your love can guide me home

Caveat: Blah blah blah about my life (Atmosphere – Pour Me Another)

I'm not sure how I'm feeling about work.  On the one hand, it's mostly pretty unstressful.  On the other hand, I'm not having as much interaction with kids as I did at Hongnong nor even at LBridge: because Karma combines "test prep" with regular English curriculum, during this midterms cycle the kids get pulled out for special test prep courses, which is great if the stress of giving classes gets to me, but it is annoying if hanging out with kids in class is the highlight of my work day.  At least at Hongnong, although I often had no classes to teach, I still got to interact with kids around the school and at lunch, etc.  There's no deskwarming at Karma, though.  Mostly I'm filling my time with curriculum development work – I'm writing a textbook, supposedly (which is really hard, actually), and doing iBT (TOEFL) prep tutoring with a really smart 9th grader.

I really meant to enroll in a Korean language course for the mornings, but I've been unable to summon the gumption.  It's not the idea of 12 hours a week of language class that's putting me off (that's what most of the courses I've looked at offer), it's the additional 12 hours a week of commuting time that it would entail – none of the courses are closer than Hongdae or Jongno, both of which would involve more-than-an-hour-each-way commutes.   I hate commuting.

I've been looking into trying to find a tutor who I could pay for one-on-one classes, out here in Ilsan.  But I'm kind of picky about who I'm willing to pay as a tutor – most Koreans don't know squat about their own language, from a linguistics standpoint, and I find it very frustrating trying to learn from them.  Unpaid hanging-out style efforts at conversation is fine – I can approach it like a field linguist doing research.  That's what many of my Korean friends are for.

But if I'm going to pay someone, I want them to know their language's phonological inventory (and know how it differs from that of English, for example), and I'd appreciate if they could recognize the difference between an auxialiary verb and an example of verb seriality, etc., and have them subsequently be able to try to explain these things to me – you know, like actually teach me

I suppose my complaint about the people I've paid to teach me Korean, in the past, is the flipside of the same, utterly legitimate complaint lodged against so many of the English speakers hired to teach English in Korea – the fact that they can't tell a modal verb or English prosodic vowel reduction from a hole in their posterior means that Korean students aren't really getting much bang for their won, in teaching terms.

What I'm listening to right now.

I jogged my 5km route last night, dodging drizzle and rain drops. I listened to this track on my mp3.  I'm becoming incredibly annoyed with the fact that I've gotten back to a 4 or 5 night-a-week jogging habit, and I'm still not losing weight.

This morning, I'm listening to it again.  It's raining hard against my windows, and the sky is the thick gray that makes it feel like the sun didn't quite finish rising.

It's been raining a lot – yesterday there was a respite, but aside from that it's been raining almost continuously for approaching a week now.  Yey summer in Korea. 

The lyrics.

Pour Me Another (Another Poor Me)
From the album "You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having"

V:1
And all she wanted was a little bit of solid,
Feels like love, it doesnt matter what you call it,
Heal those cuts, or hide em underneath the polish,
Break another promise,
And take me as a hostage,
Hold your job down,
And let the zombies crowd around,
Thankin mommys god, but its a cops town,
Keep it safe for me,
While I chase a fantasy,
Swerving through the galaxy,
Searching for a family,
Happily surrounded by planets and stars,
She was stuck uptown, you was landed on mars,
Its all fucked up now, caught your hand in the jar,
Another small step back, for that man at the bar,
Spill a little bit of blood on the street,
For love that goes to those who know,
That they drink too much,
And hold your own glass,
Up to the heavens,
Take the little time to try and count the seconds,
It goes

[Pour me another,
So I can forget you now,
Pour me another,
So I can come let you down,
Pour me another,
So I can remember how,
True that I am to this addiction of you,]
x2

V:2
Drink it all away, numb it down to the none,
Stay awake tonight and wait for the sun,
You say you hate your life, you aint the only one,
Let your frustration out the gate and watch the pony run,
One double for the hunger and the struggle,
Two for the fool tryna pull apart the puzzle,
Three now I smile while I wait for your rebuttal,
By the forth shot, Im just another child in a bubble,
Tryna play with the passion and the placement,
Just to see what these people let him get away with,
Still tryna climb a mountain for you,
Hammer in my hand, still pounding on a screw,
She no listen, so he dont speak no more,
Nobodys winning, cause neither is keeping score,
Dont wanna think no more, just let me drink some more,
Pour me another, cause I can still see the floor,

[Pour me another,
So I can forget you now,
Pour me another,
So I can come let you down,
Pour me another,
So I can remember how,
True that I am to this addiction of you,]
x2

V:3
Live life tipsy, stiff if it dont fit right with me,
Kiss my whiskey; lift my lips press to my angel,
Swallow it and leave her empty bottle on the table,
Let the past fall,
Making faces at that clock on the back wall,
Countdown to last call,
Ask all of these people that make sounds,
How long does it take for the pace to break down?
Another lonely little trophy,
If only I can walk a straight line, Id make it home free,
And everybody in this bar thinks that they know me,
And my story,
Like poor me,
I could count the days till you come back,
Or I could follow them sunrays down to the train tracks,
I can stumble drunk, over hope and love,
Or I can just keep drinking till I sober up

[Pour me another,
So I can forget you now,
Pour me another,
So I can come let you down,
Pour me another,
So I can remember how,
True that I am to this addiction of you,]
x2

Bottles, pints, shots, cans,
Couches, and floors, and drunk best friends,
Models, and whores, and tattooed hands,
Cities, and secrets, and cats, and vans,
Good times, laughter, bad decisions,
Strippers, and actors, and average musicians,
Mornings after, and walks of shame,
This bartender knows me by my real name

Caveat: It’s biznis

I suppose I had to have a bad day, eventually.  I felt discouraged.  I will say that today, then, was the official ending of my "new job honeymoon" at Karma Academy.  My frustration was on two fronts, one general and one specific, which are basically linked.  Neither of them is novel in the least – I can almost guarantee I've ranted similarly before, probably on more than one occasion.

First, the general:  I'm struggling more and more with a feeling of unclear or vague expectations, vis-a-vis what sort of teaching I should be doing, what I should be working on, what I might be doing right or wrong, etc.  Koreans almost never tell you "how you're doing" – until there's some crisis or some problem.  I've been feeling guilty, too, because of the inevitable double standard that emerges whenever you have "native speaker" and local Korean teachers working side-by-side – we are inevitably, because of our different proficiencies and distinct market values, held to different levels of expectation.  This always makes me feel like I'm exploiting some kind of peculiar affirmative action program, inappropriately.

So the second thing is that today, there was not a major crisis, but a minor complaint from a parent that then got blown out of proportion in my mind.  Hagwon parents are so hard to please, of course.  One parent complains of not enough homework, and another complains of too much.  How can one respond?  Often what happens is that you give lots of homework, and there's a kind behind-the-scenes understanding that not all the kids are being held to the same standard, as driven by parental expectations or requirements.  The conversation goes: "Oh, that kid … his mom doesn't want him doing so much homework, so don't worry if he doesn't pass the quiz, just let it go."  This grates against my egalitarian impulses, on one level, and on another, despite being sympathetic to it, I end up deeply annoyed with how it gets implemented on the day-to-day: no one ever tells ME these things until some parent gets mad because I never got told, before, about the special case that their kid represents.  In the longest run, of course, in the hagwon biz, one must never forget who the paying customers are – it's the parents.  And for each parent that is pleased that their kid is coming home and saying "hagwon was fun today," there's another that takes that exact same report from her or his kid as a strong indicator that someone at the hagwon isn't doing his or her job.  So it boils down to this:  happy hagwon students don't necessarily mean happy hagwon customers.  As a teacher, you're always walking a tightrope: which kids are supposed to be happy, and which are supposed to be miserable?  Don't lose track – it's critical to the success of the business.

I came home feeling increasingly grumpy, and went on my 3km jog, feeling fat and old and slovenly and inept at my career.  The humidity is high, the night felt hardly chilly at all.  Now I'm eating an ascetic dinner of rice and kimchi, and drinking cold corn-tassel tea.  I'm churning mostly fruitless "if I ran the hagwon" fantasies in my head. 

Caveat: Truly Monday

Yesterday was truly Monday.  Under my new work schedule, which has now started, I had seven classes, with a single one-period break, in the stretch from 3:30 to 10 pm.  I told Curt that it felt like I had finally had my "first day of work" initiation.  He laughed, and asked, "and how was it?" 

Not too bad.  One small class of 8th graders were just as I remember my most recalcitrant and obnoxious previous experiences with 8th graders.  It's like trying to teach a room full of lazy comedians suffering from severe sleep deprivation.  Wait… that may be close to accurate.  Other than that group – which I suspect I may be discussing further in the future – it wasn't bad.  Mostly I stuck to my lesson plans and stayed happy and calm.

The staff room was rearranged on Saturday after I left.  I knew it would be – they had to accommodate the other new teacher.  It's a pretty cramped space, but I was surprised to find my desk placed at the end of the double row of desks.  I was very surprised. 

Korean "office arrangements" are very interesting, and often deeply reflect positions within the explicit hierarchies.  I'd been given what any Korean would identify as a "second-in-command" position.  I felt awkward about this.   Was it a deliberate attempt to joke about or flout those conventions?  I sat down self-consciously and played at arranging things on my desk, and the office manager guy came in and asked if I would be happier if my desk were turned sideways (which would break the hierarchical feng sui).  I said, yes, maybe.  Then I joked, no, it's ok, this way I can be 팀장 [tim-jang = team leader].  All the other teachers laughed at this.  I still feel a little bit strange about it.  

Caveat: The Work Schedule

My “real” schedule has finally been created. It will make me busier. For anyone who’s curious. The start time is 3 pm, although I may come in earlier some days, if I have a lot of preparing to do.  And one reason I like the idea of working for Curt as that for the most part, he will be OK if I decide to leave early if I’m done teaching, so Tuesdays and Fridays I may be able to get out early sometimes.

2011년 6월 (JUNE) – | – T e a c h i n g S c h e d u l e
Class Time Time
Morning… Mon Tue Wed Thu Fri   Sat
Period 1. 15:30 Boost-B / Phonics Boost-B / Phonics Boost-B / Phonics 14:10 PN1a+b-T / CC
Period 2. 16:20 ER1a-M / CC EP2-T / Listening 15:00 TP2-T / Debate
Period 2. 17:10 EP1-M / Listening PN1b-T / Listening EP1-M / Listening PN1b-T / Listening 15:50 PN2-T / Listening
Period 5. 18:00 PN1-M / Listening PN1a-T / Listening PN2-M / Listening PN1a-T / Listening ER1a-M / Listening 16:40
Period 6. 18:50 PN2-M / Listening TP2-T / Debate PN1-M / Listening TP2-T / Debate 17:30
Period 7. 19:10 RN1b-M / Listening 18:20
Period 8. 20:28 RN1a-M / Listening 19:10
Period 9. 21:15 RN1b-M / Listening RN1a-M / Listening PN2-T / Listening
Evening…    

Caveat: Angels Advertising Something-or-Other

I don't have much to say that could pass for interesting or deep or philosphical.  So here's a video I saw recently that I liked, a little bit.  I think it's an ad for some product or service.  But clever in the field of pubic, interactive, conceptual art, I guess. 

It's feeling humid and summery. So far, my new job has been stunningly un-stressful. I almost feel guilty. I get along with everybody – there are none of the complicated work personality tensions that I associate with my last two Korean jobs, at LBridge and Hongnong Chodeung. But further, my boss has been unable, to far, to give me a full schedule – so I have had a very light class schedule, so far, too. I suppose if there's been any downside, it's only that, just as I was expecting, I'm struggling to be a "good teacher" for the middle-schoolers – they're a whole different set of requirements compared to elementary kids, and I'm not sure I'm very good at connecting with them. Perhaps, deep inside, I'm too much of a stunted, fragile, perpetual middle-schooler, myself?

Caveat: … as usual

No first day at a new teaching job in Korea is complete without at least one schedule change and/or at least one unplanned-for new class.  These types of things don't really bother me, actually.  But it's worth noting that all other differences aside, some things are always the same, this being Korea, and all.

Jus' sayin'.

Actually, I'm in stunningly high spirits.  We'll see how that pans out in the face of actual students.

Caveat: 얄러뷰

Two of my first-grade students, Min-gyeong and Dan-bi, wrote “I love you 얄러뷰” in a big heart in their good-bye message.
I was trying to figure out “얄러뷰” – but it’s not Korean. I think “yal-leo-byu” is a transliteration of “I love you” – sound it out!
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I got portraits of the fourth-graders today. Here they are.
4-1:
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4-2:
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4-3:
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The 4-2 class did some role-plays today, and I took a few pictures.
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I am going to miss Ye-won especially (on the left, below).  The other day, she said to me:  “I will hate the new teacher, already, because you are the best teacher.”  That’s way too good for my ego.  Plus, her English is pretty good, eh?
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Here I am goofing around with some fifth- and sixth-graders during recess today.  Note that the girls provided me with a disguise – can you tell it’s me?
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Here are some memento photos of the cafeteria during lunch time.
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My lunch tray, and my co-teacher Ms Lee across from me.
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Here are some boys hamming for the camera.
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Finally, here are some kids brushing their teeth at the communal teeth-brushing place:
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I am going to miss this school so much. Should I have stayed?  Maybe.
I will not miss the feeling of isolation, which was exacerbated by a school administrative office that is xenophobic and stunningly incompetent, and which conducted itself without exception with utter disregard for my status as a fellow human being, despite my substantial dependence upon them for my outside-of-work day-to-day living.
I think that one way to put it is that I will miss the weekday 9am~5pm part of this experience intensely, but I will not miss the weekday 5pm~9am part of it not at all. And that, when you get right down to it, is not a good proportion for a sustainable lifestyle.
I have learned hugely, this past year – about myself, about teaching, about children and about what’s important in the world. I hope I can keep these lessons alive in my heart and carry them back to Ilsan and my next job.

Caveat: Testimonial

I have a 2nd grade student, Jeong-seok, who wrote an essay.  His little essay was posted on the school's web forum, and my co-worker sent me a copy.  It's flattering, and my heart is touched.  I feel proud to be mentioned in a 2nd grader's essay in such a positive way.

영어수업을 할 때 게임을 했다. 동그라미모양종이에 자기가 하고 싶은 동전 숫자를 적으면 그걸 원어민 선생님인 제럴드선생님에게 드리고 진짜동전처럼 생긴 동전을 한국 선생님께 드리면 스티커를 받는다.  10개를 넘게 받은 친구들도 있었는데 나는 5개를 받았다.  나는 10개 보다 많이 받은 친구가 너~무~부러웠다 나는 스티커를 안내장 넣는 파일에 붙였다.   영어가 재미있게 되고 있으니 눈에 빨리 빨리 들어 오는 것  같기도 하였다.   방과후영어도 정말 재미있게 했다.

I guess that makes a good day.

[Comment added later:  Some have requested a translation.  My Korean isn't so good as to offer a translation.  Google's translate-o-matic makes gobbledy-gook of it, which is about what I would do.  I just kind of scan it and get the gist of it, knowing that it's positive.  Here's the result of plugging into google (with a few minor but obvious glaring corrections):  "When teaching English game. A circle on the paper and he'll put the number of coins you want it wiht a native speaker teacher, Jereot teacher, if it looks like a real coin coin Korea figure, the teacher gives a sticker. I have friends who were over 10 coins received five. I received more than 10, friends envied ~ Foreign ~ the invitation I put stickers attached to the file. English is fun may just be coming in soon, so eyes were fast. School English and was really fun."]

Caveat: Eventually

When I started this teaching job in a public elementary school, I was assured that one of the duties that we 원어민 ["native speaker instructors"] had was to teach a weekly English class to the teachers at our schools – to help them maintain and/or improve their own English language skills.  This had always struck me as a great idea, and it was something I'd recommend to enlightened hagwon management as well. 

Well, I got to teach my first conversation class for teachers today, with about 3 weeks left on my one-year contract.  I guess my school just didn't get around to it, until now.

I'm glad I actually got to do it, though. 

Last night, I had trouble sleeping.  I'm clearly being troubled by things, lately.  Stress around the upcoming job change, I'm sure.   Maybe stress around other things, too.  I don't know.

I drifted in and out of waking up, this morning, for longer than usual, and kept having these mini-nightmares.

I was being chased by a bear in a snowy wilderness.

I was paralyzed, lying on the floor of my classroom, while my students tried to get me to respond to them.

I saw a flood happening on the floor of my classroom, and I kept clicking on some "stop flood" icon on a computer, to no avail.

I was late for a bus, and tripped and fell into a hole in the street.

Caveat: The Godly Fowl Next-Door

The church next-door to my current apartment (which is just across the school-yard from the school where I work) keeps chickens and ducks.  The roosters here are very vocal.  There was a reliable rooster or two that I could hear in the predawn hours at my last apartment, in Yeonggwang, but they were farther away.  These are quite literaly located on the other side of my east-facing wall, in a little barnyard behind the church. 

I've been a little bit puzzled by the idea of a church keeping chickens and ducks.  Is this an economic undertaking?  Is it a charity undertaking (i.e. housing for displaced parishoners' fowl)?  Is it insteaad something related to the Sunday school?  Regardless, I don't necessarily object.  I heard roosters consistently during my years living "on the hill" in Highland Park, in Northeast Los Angeles.  I like the counterpoint the ducks provide, too.

Tonight, I'm going to rush up to Ilsan, to try to sort out some paperwork related to securing a smooth transition to a new visa for my new employer, where I'll be starting May 1st.  The end of my time at Hongnong Elementary is looming.  It will be a bittersweet departure.  Yesterday I felt so much joy and delight in the children's company, and I know I'll miss them.

I've developed a lot of strong, almost parental-feeling attachments to individual kids:  hyper Jeong-an who never sits still, serious Ji-min who tries to direct the class, the two madcap Do-hyeons who both always volunteer for anything, sweet Ha-neul who sadly reported she had to leave class early, the princesses Ha-jin and Ye-won who gossipped about their homeroom teacher to me, shy Jae-won who showed off his new cellphone, assertive Hye-jeong who yelled "teacher!" because I was ignoring her, tiny Seo-yeon who didn't want to perform, manic Jae-uk who insisted on performing, earnest Hye-rim who grinned at her high score, judgmental Min-seo who frowned seriously, blue-skies-dreaming Na-hye who said "I'm so happy", ultra-competitive Hui-won who cried because the girls' team lost, helpful Eun-jin who always helps me clean up at the end of class … these are some of the ones that spring to mind from only yesterday's interactions.  Mostly, they're current 2nd and 4th graders, with whom I've evolved very close interactions due to the afterschool program.

Caveat: Why Books of Poetry? What Is Fairness?

I awoke at 2:55 AM from a strange dream.  I was trying to explain to some Korean coworkers that I bought and owned books of poetry.  This seemed crucially important, somehow, yet I was unable to clearly communicate the idea.  And looking into the dream from the moment of awaking, it seemed mostly an absurd undertaking. 

My mother was there in the dream, too, although she said nothing.  More oddly, my Minnesota friend Mark was there, and "playing a Korean" – at least, for the dream – and thus not understanding my linguistic efforts anymore than any of the others.  The Koreans kept trying to change the subject of conversation to my age, my mysterious marital status, my teaching skills or my utterly inexplicable (to them) disinterest in consuming free food simply because it was free.

I felt a lot of anxiety after waking up.  We had yet another hweh-shik last night, and things have been getting tense at my school: yet another, new crisis in the foreign-teacher-housing. This time, anyway, it's more linked to my new fellow-foreign-teacher than to me, but it's nevertheless unpleasant to be around and it's a constant reminder of the ways in which I, too, have felt so mistreated by my school's administration in matters of housing.  I guess I could say that, lately, not a day goes by, these days, when the validity of my decision not to renew isn't constantly reaffirmed.

I'm worried that my school could probably easily find a way to throw some kind of obstacle up to my smooth transition to my new hagwon job that I've committed to for May.  I don't want that to happen, but I can't help but attempt comment to my coworkers, when they ask, about my perception of the unfairness of things with respect to the housing issues (the details of which I'd rather not go into). 

Somehow, these rather frustrating and vaguely fruitless conversations with coworkers, over concepts of fairness and ethical business practices, etc., of which I've been having quite a lot, lately, got translated in my dream into an effort to tell them about my habit of buying books of poetry.  Both ultimately may boil down to something absurd.

A rooster is crowing.  I don't mind that.  Darkness before dawn.  Cold apartment.

Caveat: 우리는 한국에서 있어서 나는 그렇게 그냥 생각했어요

Yesterday, before leaving work, my new main co-teacher, Ms Lee (no relation to my previous main co-teacher, Ms Lee) told me that we would have no class on Tuesday, because the kids were taking some kind of important test.  This is common enough.  So I was planning on coping with yet another day of  “deskwarming” – so soon after getting back into the swing of things with regular classes.
When I got here this morning, she came over and told me that we had classes today after all.   I had materials prepared, and so without comment I helped her get ready for class.  She asked me, “How did you know the schedule was changed again?  It seems like you already knew.  I only found out last night by text message at home.”
I explained that I knew that the schedule would change again.  She said, “How could you know?”
I answered, “This is Korea, so I just figured.”
She found this embarrassingly funny.
I think classes went fine, this morning.  I love the new group of first-graders – who I knew in kindergarten last year.  And the new second-graders are my old, beloved, hyper-rambunctious first-graders.
Meanwhile, the school’s administrative office is playing a lot of kafkaesque “imcompetent control and oblique obfuscation” games.  I’m trying to ignore that.  The kids are awesome.

Caveat: Decision Validated

I'm being trusted to edit and make changes to my own new employment contract with the Karma Academy (카르마 영어학원) in Ilsan. 

What other public school or hagwon job in Korea is going to let the incoming foreigner do this? I'm sitting in the lobby, listening to the familiar sounds of hagwon-in-progress around me, and thinking about the terms of my new job, to start May 1st.  I'm feeling very positive about my decision.

Yes… maybe it's Karma.

Caveat: Day Two – Redemption Amid Snow and Orange Groves

[NOTE: This is the second part of a two-part blog post. The first part is here.]

I awoke at 6, only a little later than my usual time, despite the poor night’s sleep. I escaped the snore-o-mania and explored the hotel a little bit. It’s what Koreans call “condominium” but that’s not what it is by an American English definition – it’s a hotel for large groups, where you cram 6 or 8 people into each room that is a little bit like a small apartment.

One of my roommates seemed to have set up camp in the bathroom, so I went out to the lobby in search of a public restroom. Koreans have a habit of posting small inspirational sayings along the walls and stall doors of public restrooms. I enjoyed the one I found there so much, I took its picture. Maybe that’s because I understood it.

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"생각"을 조심하라, 그곳이 너의 "말"이 뒨다
"말"을 조심하라, 그곳이 너의 "행동"이 뒨다
"행동"을 조심하라, 그곳이 너의 "습관"이 뒨다
"습관"을 조심하라, 그곳이 너의 "인격"이 뒨다
"인격"을 조심하라, 그곳이 너의 "운명"이 되리라

[control your “thoughts,” as they become your “words” / control your “words,” as they become your “actions” / control your “actions,” as they become your “habits” / control your “habits,” as they become your “character” / control your “character” as that is your “destiny”]

I talked to Ms Ryu in the lobby for a while about the my feelings about last night. She was her usual upbeat self, trying to put a positive spin on things, but she seemed to understand.

The hotel is on the northwest coast of the oval-shaped island. I walked around and took some pictures. The day was windy and overcast.

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At 8:30 AM we all piled onto a bus and went to get breakfast. We had the famous “hangover soup” that includes ox-blood and lots of red (spicy) pepper and vegetables.

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I admired the Jeju City-scape. Well. Not really. Urban Jeju is exactly as unattractive as I’d always imagined it to be (as well as some very vague memories from a visit to the island while doing some weird training exercise in the US Army when I was here in 1991, although it’s much more developed now). Still, all the palms and citrus and stone walls made of dark volcanic rock reminded me of rural central Mexico. Except for the patches of snow on the ground.

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Then we drove to Hallasan. Halla mountain is the extinct volcano that makes up the center of Jeju Island, and is, incidentally, the highest mountain in South Korea, despite its eccentric location. It was covered in snow – between half a meter and more than a meter deep, packed down, in most places. Here and there on the trail there were places where the pack was weak and your foot would sink down 20 or 40 cm. But mostly, it was hiking on top of snow. Everyone was using something called, in Korean, “a-i-jen” which they allege is English, but I have no idea what it might actually be. They’re strap-on rubber and metal cleats for the bottoms of one’s hiking boots.

Not all the teachers went. The group that did – about 12 of us – was a core group of teachers whose company I enjoy. It was a redemptive situation, hiking outdoors with people I like being with. I went from hating the trip to loving it. Which is why I went, right? Because things can change, like that.

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I saw a child who seemed to be hiking alone. I love how independent Korean children are – it seems so at odds with the conformity in their culture, but I think on deeper reflection, it’s not. It all works together, somehow.

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At the top of the mountain, we had kimbap and ramyeon for lunch, and the 4-1 teacher had packed a bottle of whiskey. She shared half-shots around, in a paper cup. We also saw many crows (or are they ravens?).

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Stupid 138

Coming down, we saw many fine views.

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We also did some “bobsledding” on our butts. I wish I had pictures of that. It was awesomely fun, careening down the trails with a bunch of elementary school teachers acting just like elementary school children. It reminded me how much I have actually enjoyed skiing, the times I’ve gotten into that. Hmm. Well, maybe again sometime. Anyway, I recommend “buttsledding” most highly.

Finally, at 3:30, we met up with the bus and the rest of the group again.  We drove down to the south side of the island, past many orange groves.

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We stopped and had some spicy fish for dinner, and then arrived at the ferry terminal at 6:00, for the return trip to the mainland. Ms Ryu and Mr Choi insisted on one last photo op.

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The drive back to Hongnong was agonizingly slow, and I was sore (from the 10 km hike on slippery snow the whole way) and damp (from the buttsledding). We stopped 3 places in Gwangju City, and also in Yeonggwang, dropping people off. I finally got home at 12:20 AM. I was tired.

I’m glad we had a second day, and that we got to hang out on the mountain with no principals. So to speak.

CaveatDumpTruck Logo

Caveat: Day One – “Go Home!”

The semi-annual Hongnong Elementary School staff field trip – an epic adventure in Korean cultural immersion, over two days.
The Named Characters.

  • Jared – yours truly, a-bloggin’.
  • Mr Moyer – the new “other” foreign English teacher at Hongnong, Casandra’s replacement. A nice guy.
  • Ms Ryu – the English department head (direct supervisor) and a 3rd grade homeroom teacher. My favorite person at Hongnong.
  • Mr Lee – the “vice-vice” principal (#3 in the school’s administration), a very kind and intelligent man, and a 2nd grade homeroom teacher (2-1). I like Mr Lee a lot.
  • Mr Choi – An older 2nd grade homeroom teacher (2-3), who has been very kind an generous with me.
  • Mr Kim – A 3rd grade homeroom teacher who will be retiring NEXT WEEK. He has been kind to me but I have sensed he’s not popular with the other teachers. He’s got some “short-timer” attitude and is very traditional. Also, he mumbles, and I’m not the only person who finds him hard to understand – the other teachers and the kids too, often have no idea what he’s going on about.
  • Mr Song – the school’s bus driver, an uncomplicated but friendly man, and maybe a bit of a “party animal.”
  • Ms Lee (I think?) – the really kind preschool teacher whose Korean I find eerily easy to understand. Perhaps she’s realized that if she talks to me like she talks to her students, she can be understood for the most part – she talks very slowly and methodically, with a kind of sing-song rhythm, and enunciates those difficult Korean vowels very clearly.

The Unnamed Characters (Korean culture can make it hard to learn people’s names. These are people I know and interact with by their roles or titles rather than by their names, although for many of them, if pressed, I could probably figure out their names).

  • The Principal – the king, on his throne.
  • The Elementary Vice Principal – the will to power.
  • The Preschool Vice Principal – the always-smiling queen, with her many highly cute micro-minions. Actually, all the preschool leadership and teachers are much nicer, more fun, and less machiavellian, on average. Probably, this comes with the territory.
  • The 6-1 Teacher – also the technology queen of the school, but she’s always so stressed out… so the school’s technology infrastructure suffers. Her English is excellent, however. Lately, since Haewon has left, she’s sometimes gotten stuck with translator duty, when Ms Ryu and Ms Lee (Ji-eun) aren’t around.
  • The Preschool Administration Lady – I don’t even know her job title, but I think she’s #2 over there at the preschool. She helped me with my internet problem last spring. Of course, now, I have a new internet problem. Sigh.
  • The 3-1 Teacher – one of the teachers I wish I knew better. I sometimes decide which teachers must be “great” teachers based on the collective behavior of their homeroom kids, and her class is one of my absolute favorites at Hongnong.
  • The 4-1 Teacher – the school’s main music-person. Very cheerful and positive. And another great group of kids, too.
  • The Social Studies Teacher – he’s a floater, like us English teachers – a kind of specialist with no homeroom. He’s a younger guy… I really envy the amazing rapport he has with most of the kids. I think he’s one of the most popular teachers in the school, with the kids, and he’s also extremely conscientious and kind-hearted with his fellow teachers. One of the new generation of Korean teachers that are of a very high caliber.
  • The Male Preschool Teacher – this is so rare in Korea that often the school staff refer to him in this way, as if it were his title. He’s a really nice guy and although he doesn’t often show it because he’s rather shy, his English is quite good.
  • The 4-2 Teacher (I think it’s 4-2 … one of the 4th grade classes, anyway) – this is the guy I would end up being, if I were a Korean. He’s full of rambling, intellectual trivia about history, science, culture, etc., and he will talk long after others have lost interest, but they keep listening because he’s also sometimes funny, not to mention the fact that he’s a nice guy.
  • The New 5th Grade Teacher – she’s so young and small, she could pass for one of her students, and, being at the utter bottom of the hierarchy, she’s the recipient of a lot of crap and mistreatment by the other teachers. I don’t feel like I have any kind of interaction with her, but I feel sorry for her sometimes.
  • The Quiet, Mysterious Administration Guy – he’s new, and seems to have replaced the man known as “the big-headed administration guy.” Or something like that, anyway.
  • The Tall, Bitterly Resentful Physical Plant Guy – he’s the one I pissed off last spring, with my complaining. One of the reasons why I don’t really get along with the admin office people.
  • A half-dozen other teachers, all female

A final note regarding the people: not all the teachers or staff attended. Many stayed away – and I understand their various reasons. But from what I’ve come to understand, staying away is only an option for those unmotivated, career-wise. So if you want to advance your elementary teaching career, you’ve got to play the politics, and that means coming on these kinds of trips.

The trip started at 11 AM. We piled onto a bus and drove off into the hazy, mountainous southern extremities of the peninsula. Snacks were passed out: tteok (rice cakes, both savory and sweet), almonds, beef and squid jerky (with dipping hotsauce), beer (I had one can). After about one and half hours, we arrived at a restaurant, somewhere between Naju and Jangheung.
We ate saeng-go-gi (raw beef) and other delicacies. I avoided alcohol, except for one shot of soju (soju, for those uninformed, is Korean drinking ethanol, a sort of vodka-like substance) poured by the vice principal.

The 4-2 teacher discoursed at length, on subjects including local history, the evolution of Korean agricultural practices, Thomas Jefferson, architecure, King Sejong the Great, Julius Caesar, the Egyptian political situation, and other topics I wasn’t even able to identify. Listening to him is a bit like listening to someone reading out loud from the Korean version of wikipedia. I only understand about 15% of what he’s saying, though. But I enjoy it, nevertheless.

When we finished lunch, we stood outside the restaurant while some of the staff smoked. There was a cat in a tree. The principal, entirely deadpan, explained that this was a rare Korean cat-tree, and that the cat in the tree appeared ready to harvest. This is the first time I understood one of his jokes.

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We got back on the bus and drove to the ferry terminal below Jang-heung. There’s a fast (hydrofoil) ferry that runs from there to the eastern tip of Jeju Island. The ferry terminal was very crowded, but our little group of people was well-organized, relative to the prevailing chaos. We boarded the ferry at about 3:30.

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The ferry is one of those environments more amenable to mass transportation than to sightseeing. They only allowed us out on the deck for a short time, and ALL 500 PASSENGERS wanted to be out there. It was crowded.

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The Male Preschool Teacher bought and passed out ice cream sandwiches with bean paste (kind of like sugary refried beans, a Korean favorite), in the shape of carp.

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Some of the male teachers and staff began to drink in earnest. A lot of soju was consumed, and some of the other teachers got seasick – but only the Bitterly Resentful Administration Guy got both drunk AND seasick. There was general amazement at Moyer’s ability to consume alcohol – perhaps I’d led them to believe that all foreigners are weak pushovers. But no… it’s only me.

We arrived at Seongsanpo around 6:30. Mr Song was waving and happy with his new-found friend, Moyer.

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The principal needed a cigarette.

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We got onto a new bus. We drove to a restaurant in Jeju City, about an hour west (a quarter of the way around Jeju Island, which is a little bit bigger than Oahu in area, but similar in its overall degree of urbanization, I would guess). The island is volcanic, and there was an extinct caldera hovering on the coast shortly after departing the ferry terminal.

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There are a lot of palm trees in Jeju, which strikes me an effort at horticultural fantasy on the part of the Koreans, for, although Jeju is at the same latitude as Los Angeles, it gets snow in winter even at sea level – I saw many patches of old snow alongside the road as the sun set.

At the restaurant, we had a very traditional dinner of hweh (sashimi, with some sushi and other seafoodish things). Moyer and Mr Song continued to drink soju.

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Many of the others were drinking heavily, but I only drank when required to do so by protocol (i.e. when the principal or vice-principal offered) and otherwise stuck to beer. I thus avoided getting drunk.

The principal, vice principal, and the preschool leadership began hosting the long, drawn-out process of having the various members of the staff come and sit in front of them and offer and be offered shots of soju. It’s rather ritualized.

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Meanwhile, I spent some time talking earnestly with Ms Ryu, and subsequently Mr Lee, about my decision to not renew. I shared my “decision spreadsheet” in its final form with Mr Lee, and he was very thoughtful, but he felt I wasn’t being fair in how I had made my decision. He, and later Ms Lee (of the preschool, and unrelated – remember, Lee in Korea is like “Smith”), both felt that the most compelling argument for my staying was one of continuity – for the kids. And in that, I am very much in agreement.

I found myself mulling, somewhat fuzzily, the idea of changing my mind. Which was their point, of course. I’m as vulnerable to flattery as the next person, and the three of them were piling it on. But then…

The worst moments came when I was ushered to sit at the table in front of the Principal, and he “talked” with me for a good 15 minutes, including many impossible-to-answer (almost zen-koan-like) rhetorical questions and remonstrances and possibly humorous cultural observations that failed to translate. One of the teachers with fairly good English (the 6-1 teacher whose name I always seem to forget) sat at my side and made some effort to translate as I got lost in his Korean.

Most of the specifics of his speechifying were lost on me, but I remember some things. A lot of it seemed to be, obliquely, about the fact that I wasn’t renewing at the school. He asked me repeatedly if I was able to understand “Korean culture,” only to repeatedly trap me in such a way that it was clear I did not, based on my failure to say the right thing to his questions or requests. He said he thought foreigners can never understand Korean culture, but offered few hints as to why. He did discuss the “we” not “I” issue. He told me that as far working in a Korean school, “it’s for the children” – I could hardly argue with that although so much of what they do (from my perspective) seems to forget children are even around. Things are structured so differently.

He complained that in fact, English is NOT important. It’s not a global language, he insisted. He expressed some xenophobic commonplaces about what “foreigners” and specifically Americans are doing in Korea. And his conclusion: “Jared: Go home” – this last in English.

Actually, given his age and geographical origin, I can easily imagine that 30 or 40 years ago, he stood in some anti-government protest and shouted this exact phrase at some gathering of American diplomats or US Army personnel. Anti-Western sentiment runs deep, in “red” Jeolla.

Context: He was very drunk. He always gets very drunk at these gatherings. Several teachers (including the one translating at my side and Ms Ryu, later) offered that as an excuse for his rhetoric. But I’m one of those people who believes, strongly, in the aphorism, “the drunk man reveals the truth in his heart.”

The principal showed his xenophobe credentials plainly. Not that I wasn’t already aware of them. And that’s that. Some people in Korea are xenophobic, and there’s very little that I can do, as a foreigner, except avoid those people and focus on the rest – don’t try to imagine you can change a xenophobe’s mind through some combination of argumentation or behavior. I don’t think it’s possible. In any event, in my experience, xenophobes are not a very high proportion of the population – maybe 10%.

Afterward, Ms Ryu began a song-and-dance of excuses, seeing the damage the principal’s behavior had done to any vestigial will to renew that I might have had up to that point. As she points out, it’s complicated. He’s not an unkind man, clearly, in his rigid, paternalistic, Korean-traditional fashion. He likes children, which is good to see in a school principal. He’s charismatic, which is great to see in a school’s leader.

Ms Ryu tried to tell me that the principal tended always to say the opposite of what he desired or believed, to those under him. For example, he would tell her that she did a bad job when he thought she did a good job, or that when he would tell her not to worry about something, this meant it was important. At some simplistic level, I might see this as being true. As an explanation that he presumes a kind of obstinacy in those around him – such that he is always compelled to operate on the assumptions of reverse-psychology… well, this struck me as more a coping mechanism on her part than anything with even a grain of real psychological truth in it. Ultimately, the idea that by “Go home” he meant “stay” is patently silly – it seems to be grasping at straws.

No. He said “go home,” and that’s exactly what he meant, from the depth of his Korean-patriotic heart.

Needless to say, I felt depressed. I wasn’t extremely drunk, but I wasn’t sober, either, and everyone knows, I’m not a happy drunk. I’m a moody, grumpy drunk. So the principal’s words combined with that factor to produce a very gloomy feeling for me. I lay down, and listened to my three roommates in my hotel snoring in synchrony (well, only after several had stayed up for several more hours still, playing poker and eating and drinking yet more).

I didn’t sleep well – Korean hotel rooms are always over heated, which I cope with when alone by opening windows, but with Korean roommates, this is not really an option.
Perhaps for the first time in more than a year, I found myself meditating on the possibility of simply giving up my quixotic “Korea project” and moving on to something else in life.

[this is a “back-post” added 2011-02-20.]

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Caveat: I am now going to do something somewhat stupid

Having declared, yesterday, that I didn’t intend to renew – thus undoubtedly raising the ire of those powers-that-be here at Hongnong – I will now set off on the semi-annual overnight “staff field trip” – this time, we’re going to Jeju Island. This is stunningly stupid behavior, on my part, given that the last staff field trip, last July, was THE WORST EXPERIENCE I EVER HAD IN KOREA (US Army INCLUDED). What’s my defense? I am armed by my guileless optimism (whaaa?) and my amazing ability to refuse Soju when it’s being offered (um…). I don’t really like Soju. I could have said, “no, I don’t want go” – yet, that didn’t even occur to me. I continue to insist that I will try to remain open and receptive to new and strange Korean cultural experiences. Besides, there will be a ferry ride. I LOVE ferry rides. And hiking. Sometimes, hiking is fun – although it’s not as fun when it’s freaking cold. So. I will be back Sunday. Hahahahaha aaaaah!

Caveat: Decision Taken

It’s official. I have opted to not renew at Hongnong (or, apparently, in Jeollanam Province anywhere). I will be returning to hagwonland. There are challenges ahead. But I’m looking forward to living in Ilsan again. More thoughts, later.

Caveat: Decision Point

Should I stay or should I go?

I’m feeling the pressure to make the renewal decision. I have been saying, consistently (almost obsessively), that I would not renew at Hongnong under any circumstances. Yet when the day comes that I have to make the decision, I’m uncertain. I remember the same feeling when the question came at LBridge (aka Hellbridge) in July, 2009, and how tempted I was to just go ahead and renew, then, too.

But my circumstances are quite different than they were in July, 2009. I have nothing driving me to leave Korea, as I had back then. My stateside affairs are in order, right now, unlike they were then. And I have much less ambivalence about my overall intention to stay in Korea for the long term, unlike at that time. And so, all things being “equal,” why not just renew?

I really see myself as having two choices. Stay at Hongnong, or work for my friend Curt in Ilsan. Other options would have included: working elsewhere in Jeollanam (i.e. a different public elementary school) or working at a different hagwon, anywhere. The latter option really doesn’t appeal to me – there are so many variables about working at an unknown hagwon that can go terribly wrong. But the former option – finding a different elementary school – was actually the one I most preferred, up until recently. Unfortunately, I have gathered – only indirectly – that I’m basically being bureaucratically screwed with respect to this option. The Yeonggwang County education office is supposed to do some kind of paperwork to make a “renewal with transfer within the province” possible, but they are apparently refusing to do so, either due to sour grapes (resentment) or ineptitude. Consequently, I’ve basically had to rule out the option of trying to transfer to a different school. And it makes for a major dilemma, regarding staying at Hongnong: if I say, I am, in a way, rewarding those bureaucrats who are screwing me over through incompetence or bad feeling. But by letting this issue weigh majorly in my decision, I am favoring and encouraging my own anger, and perhaps ignoring the true value of the option of changing.

I have made some efforts to summarize my thoughts: I made a spreadsheet – but I can’t post that right now. Here are some notes that went into creating my “decision spreadsheet” (“decision spreadsheets” are actually something I do quite often, when faced with large decisions).

STAY AT Hongnong: why?
– I have some degree of stability and predictabilty: I know what to expect for the most part. and maybe, if I’m lucky, I won’t have to move again. I hate moving.
– This is a good environment for learning Korean; it is difficult to learn Korean in Ilsan: there are too many foreigners everywhere, and so many Koreans speak English well, there.
– Diversity of kids here makes for a teaching challenge.
– There are a lot of uncertainties in the Ilsan job offer.
– Working at hagwon will be more difficult: longer hours, more demand for overtime, unpredictable schedule, less vacation time.
– Hongnong and Jeollanam are very beautiful places to live, and there are many opportunities to explore.

GO TO Ilsan: why?
– I feel a lot of resentment and anger: staying at Hongnong means rewarding incompetence and unkindness on the part of administrators. This weighs heavily on me, but how important is it, really?
– English is not very important at this school, whereas at hagwon, English is, naturally, most important. Relatedly, it’s not fun teaching English to kids who don’t want to learn English: many kids at Hongnong don’t want to learn English.
– At Hongnong, future incompetence is not just possible, but inevitable: it might be very annoying to renew and then get hit with some new complication or unpleasantness – there’s a very high probability of buyer’s remorse.
– Life in in Hongnong is more expensive than Seoul, so it is easier to save money in Seoul.
– The offer in Ilsan includes an opportunity to improve my teaching CAREER: it would be a “career move.”
– Seoul and Ilsan have more cultural opportunities of the sort that I prefer: museums, cafes, etc. I LIKE living in Ilsan.

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Caveat: Yeonggwang Skyline

I went to Seoul over the weekend.  Well, technically, I went to Ilsan, only passing through Seoul. I didn’t do much of what I’d originally planned. My visit with my friend who owns a hagwon in Ilsan turned into an impromptu job interview. I would say… it could happen, if we both take the leap to commitment.

How do I feel about this?

I had been focused on the idea of signing for another year somewhere in Jeollanam Province. Not at my current school – I have enough points of dissatisfaction that I was feeling it would be better to “roll the dice” and see what came up with a different public school down here. But, when I first came back to Korea last January, I had had mind set on working for my friend’s hagwon, but the job didn’t work out due to the financial constraints of my friend, the owner. So if there was any specific hagwon job that could draw me out of the public school teaching gig, it would be that one.

Additionally, I have been singularly unimpressed (not to say annoyed) by how I keep seeming to fall through bureaucratic holes in my efforts to follow through on this renewal.  I suspect my school administration is partly at fault, in this matter. But I don’t really know – I just know that while most of my fellow foreigners-teaching-in-Jeollanam (of the cohort that came in April of last year), I seem to be the only one that hasn’t been presented with renewal options in writing, yet. That’s just strange. What does it mean?

So it feels proactive, to just jump on something that seems more certain, more trustworthy. The other advantage is that I get to return to my beloved megalopolis. The drawbacks are easy to enumerate, too, however: the longer hours and less vacation time that goes with hagwon work, and the likelihood that my accelerated Korean-learning will decelerate, once I’m back in the “everybody-speaks-English-around-here-including-the-clerks-at-the-seven-eleven” land of suburban Seoul.

Well, anyway. I will be meditating on this decision. And it may fall through. I have to keep my expectations in check.

I took the bus back to Yeonggwang earlier today. Here is a picture I took from the bus, as we approached my current home town from the north: Yeonggwang Skyline.

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Caveat: Yeh

I awoke from a very strange dream fragment, this morning.  Kind of disturbing, I suppose.  I was at some social function involving my fellow teachers and the administrative staff at work.  As usual, kind of tense.  Not a lot of fun, at least for me.  Anyway, the woman who runs the kindergarten (preschool) part of the school (I think of her as the other vice principal) said something to me in Korean, which I roughly understood.  Something about asking whether my Winter Camp classes were going well or not.  So I answered, "예" [yeh = yes].

This is universal, in Korea, this kind of monosyllabic affirmation, but it's not something you can deploy to just anyone.  It's used between equals, or to those of lower status.  Saying it to someone that is my senior, without any of the elaborate verbal curliecues that should come with it, however, is not always appropriate.  Because I spend so much of my time with children, however, it's kind of reflex, for me.

Anyway, the woman became very angry.  So all of that is realisitc.  If the dream had been realistic, she'd have said something like a mild reprimand, combined with something about how "Korean culture" is different.  This is what my vice principal does, all the time.  He loves to lecture about "Korean culture." 

But in the dream, the woman became angry.  Violently angry.  She came over to me, where I stood, and began hitting me against a wall.  It was frightening.  And then, all of a sudden, all the teachers were attacking me.  Even the ones I think of as friends or allies. 

Just a dream fragment.  But obviously, there's some anxiety going on, isn't there? 

Dreams are strange.

Caveat: The Amazing Triumph In Which Bad News Came Embedded

I'm writing this as I ride the bus to work. Sometimes I do writing on the bus – it's a good use of the commute time. I save a file, and move it to my online cache or post it later. 

After my previous post, which was depressing in tone, I was meditating. Well… I was attempting to meditate – I don't really think that what I do counts as "real" meditation, although it might count, under some zen-like definitions. Mostly, I watch my monkeymind as it monkeyminds around, with a certain effort at detachedness. I was thinking, of course, about the upcoming Move. What worries me, most, about it? Well, I know which building I'm moving to – it's being built by the school. The school will be my new landlord. This is terrifying, because the school has a notably horrible track-record in managing other aspects of its physical plant. Therefore I expect, with 100% certainty, substantial problems in at least one of the following areas: utilities and internet (90% chance); appliances and things falling apart – despite (or because of) it being a new building – (60%); lack of essential furnishings (40%); plumbing problems (99%). Et cetera.

As I was thinking, however, I tried really hard to find and enumerate the positives. And there are quite a few, actually: 1) the commute will be reduced from 50 minutes each way to less than 5 minutes each way; 2) I will not miss living in Yeonggwang, which is still, by far, the ugliest town I have known in Korea – a country not noted for its attractive efforts at urbanization; 3) the chances that the new apartment is smaller than my current one are probably about nil; 4) I will save money on at least the commuting aspect – I'll be paying no more of the 3400 KRW daily in bus fares, which will add up over my last several months; 5) hopefully money can also be saved vis-a-vis the apartment billing too – my current building nickel-and-dimes me on mysterious building maintenance fees quite a bit – but with the school being the landlord, I might have more opportunity to push back on that kind of thing. 

But there was a real, amazing victory right in front of me, too. It was something altogether different. Yesterday morning, I went to bow to my principal in the morning, as I generally try to do. And after bowing, he approached me and spoke to me about this apartment matter – in Korean. That's how I got the confirmation of the rumor. Yes, I received the news in the Korean Language. Entirely. I even caught some of subtleties of the communication: "did I happen to know that…?" "I hope you'll be OK with…." And this is, upon reflection, a suprising accomplishment. I was receiving work-related news from my principal in Korean and I wasn't even really thinking about the fact that it was in Korean. I didn't understand everything – I never do: impressionistically, it's kind of "blah blah new apartment blah blah in february blah blah I hope that's OK blah blah." But I had no sense that there was some important ambiguity in the communication that I was missing. It was simply what he was telling me. And that was a linguistic triumph.

Caveat: Scorched Rice, Looming Relocation

Sometimes, when I’m at the grocery store, I will buy something that I don’t really know what it is, just because I’m curious to find out.  There are so many packaged snacks and candies in Korea that fall into the “I don’t really know what that is” category.  Monday, I was in the candy aisle looking for some candy to buy for our “English Store” to sell to our students, and I saw something that was called “누룽지향 사탕” – I still have no idea what this name means, since except for the last word, which means “candy,” the dictionaries and googletranslators are unenlightening.  But under this name, in small letters, I found the descriptor “Scorched Rice Candy.”  This sounded intriguing.  It’s hard to think of “scorched rice” as being delicious.  Or as being candy.  But it sounded very Korean.  I bought a bag of Scorched Rice Candy.  It’s not bad.  It really does taste like overcooked rice.  But of course, it’s mostly sugar, which makes it candy.  I wonder if there’s some kind of “comfort food” psychology behind a flavor like “scorched rice,” in Korea.

I found out yesterday that the rumors circulating that I would have to move, again, were true.  That will be my fourth apartment since starting work at this school.  I’m not thrilled.  It’s difficult for me not to feel a lot of anger and frustration over this aspect of my employment.  It definitely underscores why, no matter how much I like some aspects of Hongnong Elementary, I could never find myself renewing.  This is not to say that I don’t recognize that other schools don’t put their teachers through similar crap – it will be a gamble, wherever I choose to go next, and I realize that I could end up “losing out” and going somewhere with even worse problems.  My efforts to locate a school “ahead of time” where I might feel out what the job and living situations are like have come to nought.

The move date will be in February.  I wonder how complicated it will be?  I wonder how much extra of my own money it will end up costing me?  I expect I’ll find out these answers on the day of the move – certainly not ahead of time.  Sigh.


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Caveat: Kafka the English Teacher in Korea

I'm certain they told me that I was teaching a special gifted student English class at the county education office on Thursdays, starting the first week in August.  Of course, that was back at the beginning of July.  I said "OK,"  marked it on my calendar, and nothing more was said about it.  Nothing.  Nobody told me what time, where, what students, what materials were expected.  I figured, well, that's just the Korean communication taboo, kicking in.  

Being the somewhat responsible person that I try to be, I researched the when and where by asking a coworker who had been doing these classes before, and showed up at the education office building in Yeonggwang yesterday at 4:45, expecting to teach some kids at 5 pm.  But they didn't know who I was.  Finally, with my broken Korean, I managed to understand that "oh, that gifted program is on vacation at the moment."  They told me to come back the last week in August.

Maybe I misunderstood the original request to do this – but I really don't think so.  It's just another example of how information most definitely does not work its way down hierarchies, here.

I don't really feel that upset about it.  But it's interesting, to me.  So I thought I'd document the experience. 

As I was walking back to my apartment afterward, I had a sort of insight:  information doesn't move down hierarchies reliably because it's always the responsibility of those farther down to find stuff out – the higher-ups are never wrong, by definition, so, in my case for example, I now owe an apology to my higher-ups for having misunderstood (or for having failed to confirm) the original request.   I remember my first hagwon boss's line:  "but you never asked."  As an employee in Korea, it is always one's responsibility to ask.

Caveat: Sulk. Sulk.

One of the things about the Thursday-Friday school staff fieldtrip that got me really depressed was the fact that I didn’t receive a lot of positive encouragement in my efforts to speak or understand Korean. I felt frequently ridiculed and mocked.

I’ve indicated before, on this blog, that right now, in my life, trying to get better at Korean is near the top of my list of priorities. Call that quixotic, or peculiar, or pointless. But it’s true.

So to the extent that the fieldtrip, and my interactions with some of my coworkers, squashed my optimism and enjoyment of trying to learn the language, it was was a real downer. And so… what have I done, today, in the wake of this?

I felt crappy. I didn’t go off to Seoul, as I’d planned – I lacked motivation. I had zero interest in going out into the Korean-speaking world. I sulked. This is bad behavior. I know.

Here are some pictures taken during the better part of the trip, done with my cell phone, so they have rather poor resolution. We were climbing the mountain Daedun.

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And here are the principal and vice principal, plotting some new humiliation – or maybe (more likely) just being clueless and cold-hearted, in a good-natured and paternalistic way.

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Caveat: The Hongnong Alcohol Blacklist

I have just returned from the worst 24 hours I’ve ever spent in Korea. Well, maybe there were a few 24 hour periods back when I was a soldier in the US Army stationed at Camp Edwards, up in Paju, (DMZ/Munsan/Ilsan) that were worse. But I’m just sayin.

My biggest mistake was that I’ve recently been relaxing my formerly teetotaller approach to alcohol – since my trip to Japan, when I made the breakthrough realization (or recollection – call it “personal historical revisionism”) that one of the reasons I managed to learn Spanish effectively in the 1980’s was because I wasn’t adverse to falling under the influence. It lowers inhibitions, which is a big issue with language-learning.

But this school that I work for – well, they’re a tribe of “college-frat-party”-worthy binge alcoholics. And that’s not my thing. Never has been my thing – even when I was doing my own share of binge-drinking myself, back in college.

Maybe I’ll give a detailed breakdown, later.

Let’s just say, I was witness to manifold unkindnesses, and became depressed, despondent and angry. I was in tears when I got home to my tiny Yeonggwang apartment. I haven’t been there, in quite a while – in tears, I mean.

I hold it all in: the anger, the tears. Bottled up. And then it comes out, when I can finally get alone, even though the drunk moment has passed. Alcohol sucks. And I’ve always been a weepy, grumpy, judgmental drunk – I know this about myself.

Hell. I know I can never renew at this school – alcohol reveals depths and truths about people, and although there are many kind and wonderful people working at Hongnong Elementary, none of those kind and wonderful types are the ones running things – the manager-types showed their true selves pretty effectively, as far as I’m concerned. And not in their own favor, frankly.

I will survive this contract. I can avoid the management types, mostly. But they are cruel, unkind people, who furthermore insist on excusing their cruelty as “tradition” and “Korean culture.” Fine. I know, confidently, that there are other types of Korean culture: types that don’t require cajoling people to get drunk, that don’t require laughing at (not with) underlings, that don’t require groping female employees.

Mr Kim (remember him? – the PE teacher) was actually among those who were pretty kind to me. He seemed a bit disgusted with how out of control the alcohol games got, too. He explained to me, mostly in Korean (with a dictionary in hand), that we should make a Hongnong Alcohol Blacklist, and that the first three members included certain highly placed individuals in the school’s administrative staff. I laughed at that, and he was sullenly pleased that he’d managed to make a joke across the cultural and linguistic divide.

Okay. That’s enough.

Looking out the window of the bus, coming home, I saw a cloud with a silver lining. Literally. Korea is a beautiful country. And there were enough “off to the side” kindnesses shown to me in my sadness, today, that I know better than to give up on the humanity of Koreans. Generalization and stereotyping are almost always really bad ideas.


Here’s a mountain or two, that I saw.

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