Caveat: Fish after 3 days

There’s always going to be a trade-off. There can be a houseguest who thinks they are being helpful, but in fact they make more work for you. They cook a delicious meal for you, but leave little messes everywhere and never turn off any lights and even forget to turn off the oven, and leave swathes of chaos in the fridge. There are constant decisions that have to be made, when your houseguest has different standards of neatness and cleanliness than you do. Should you go around cleaning up after them, and resent it? Or should you just live with that different standard of neatness and cleanliness for a while, and resent that, instead? Inevitably, it’s some combination of those two, and a constant effort to avoid building up resentment.

Venting online into the void is super helpful, of course.


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Caveat: The true secret to privacy online

I sometimes realize that I can exploit the fact that my blog has so few regular readers to passive-aggressively rant about the world around me, up to and including my own family and neighbors (most of whom can’t be bothered to realize that the internet is bigger than facebook). I can be “open” and eerily transparent without actually having any reputational skin in the social-media game.

The fact that this blog is nominally public just lends certain frisson, a sensation of “living dangerously,” to the whole enterprise.

None of this is new to me, of course. I’ve gone off in this direction before, but then I go through other phases where I feel more cautious, and practice some self-restraint for a few years.

Anyway, I’m feeling inclined to experiment with allowing myself to be more open about my politics and general ideological eccentricities than I have been over the last few years. It’s not like I’m going to be running for political office or something, where having my beliefs and feelings out there in the public record actually matters.

And to the extent that the major social media and web search empires are so thoroughly “enshittifying” (as the contemporary parlance puts it), my blog’s “discoverability” isn’t what it used to be, five or ten years ago, either. When I was living in Korea, it wasn’t uncommon for strangers to find my blog and engage with it, with substantive comments on posts and such. That kind of thing never happens anymore – the search engines simply don’t see my blog, and don’t offer links to it.

It’s interesting. People are so worried about privacy online, but perhaps the best way to be private online is to self-host your own completely public blog, and refuse to play the SEO game – no one will see it, I can almost guarantee!

At the rate things are going, this blog is really not much more public than my going around and putting up ranty post-its on random trees in my rural Alaskan neighborhood. Which, come to think of it, might be an amusing thing to do.

Shouting into the abyss has never been easier.


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Caveat: Here, listen to this!

<rant>

I believe, with all my soul, that it is rude to subject other people to your private audio stream – whether music, news, stories (audiobooks), telephone conversations, or anything else. Now that we all have excellent speakers in our hands, it’s easier than ever to do. Though in fact, I think it’s always been an issue, even back in pre-technological eras when people would have loud, annoying conversations or play music around other people who had no interest in hearing it.

So this rant isn’t about “the kids these days” or some decay in social standards. Indeed, if anything, I feel the elderly are the most typical demographic to perpetrate this type of rudeness – I would link it to the seemingly inevitable narcissim of old age (and as an aside, is this really inevitable? my narcissism is bad enough… I hate to imagine what a horrible old person I’ll be…).

I suspect there have always been rude people. I’m just making the observation that these rude people do this thing that annoys me.

</rant>


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Caveat: Agonized abrogation

I had a horrible day.

Probably partly it was the result of not really feeling like I got any rest or “alone time” over the weekend, what with having a guest here and various stressful small “crises,” like the failed kitchen sink drain and the mold-infested barbecue. I have no moment of refuge, no place of retreat.

So I started the day stressed and annoyed, and it just got worse. Before I bought the store, working at the store was a sort of refuge – because mostly I could just concentrate on my specific responsibilities, and the “big picture” was up to someone else – the store’s owners. Now that I’m the store’s owner, all the really big problems rise up to me, and I have to deal with them. There’s no sense of refuge in the store. I face bills, annoying or dissatisfied customers, the competing preferences and requests of employees… it’s all on me to sort out, and delay doesn’t solve anything, so each of these demands my attention NOW.

But actually still, I wasn’t truly miserable till I got home. I guess I’m just burned out on cleaning up after other people. It’s true that Wayne had prepared dinner, which was nice. But I spent the hour and a half after dinner cleaning up: cleaning dishes, cleaning Wayne’s mess in the boat (which returned to our dock yesterday), dealing with a water shortage in our cistern (caused by someone leaving the hose at the dock on for a day straight). It just never stops. And no sense of personal space or refuge to retreat to for bed, since I yielded my bedroom to our guest.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I went down to look at the boat, and found some fish guts and bait in loose, non-waterproof bags in the transom storage area. It was stinky already, the boat having been in the sun all day. I came up to let Wayne know that this mess was there, and his response was: “You can throw it in the water.” Implicit in this was that he just assumed I was happy to clean up after him and Jeff. Now to be clear, I’m not really into fishing even under the best of conditions, but if there’s one aspect of fishing I like least, it’s dealing with fish guts. And here he just assumed I’d be happy to deal with it. So… I dealt with it. But I was quite angry. I even let him know – though I suspect he unable to understand why I was angry. But it made me feel like some kind of servant, rather than someone hosting a friend at my home.

In the end I was so grumpy I just ran away and have gone to bed my treehouse. I’m tired of responsibility. A lot.


It’s kind of primitive out here, and a bit chilly, but at least I have some solitude.


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Caveat: 초콜릿 맛 똥

Lately, one of the least enjoyable aspects of caretaking for my uncle Arthur, in his senescence, has been that he seems to struggle with wiping his ass. So far I haven’t had to actually do it for him – he’s too proud to ask for help and too forgetful to mention it as an issue except in the moment.

I’m kept aware of it largely because I frequently find shit smeared all over the toilet seat.

I suspect the issue is twofold: 1) a lack of upper body flexibility, related to the severe arthritis in his shoulders, preventing him from reliably reaching the area in question, and 2) an extreme lack of situational awareness, an ongoing issue ever since his stroke in 2018.

Anyway, I deal with by carefully inspecting the toilet seat on a regular basis, and keeping a sprayer of cleaner near the toilet to clean it off when necessary. I have long ago discovered that trying to confront him about it or to “retrain” him on the issue is counterproductive, so I’m sure if I mentioned to him that this issue is ongoing and impacts my quality of life, he’d spiral off in a posture of defensive denial. Once on a related issue of pissing on the floor in the bathroom, his response was: “How do you know you didn’t do it?” Better to just keep quiet and forebear on these questions.

On the more positive side, I will report, for the record, that apparently, Arthur eats so much chocolate that his shit often smells like chocolate.

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Caveat: The Ends And The Means

Suicide is a selfish act. This is because it leaves behind those who care about us. This is not to say that I’m morally opposed to suicide – sometimes we need to be selfish. Sometimes what’s best for us is to leave behind those who care about us.

That said, one thing that is MORE selfish than suicide is to request or require PERMISSION to commit suicide, from those around us who care about us. That is unfair to them. This happened to me: my wife Michelle essentially demanded my PERMISSION to commit suicide. In the moment, I granted it – because I saw she was suffering and couldn’t deny her her exit. But now these past 24 years, I’ve LIVED with that. Was that fair of her, to make me do that? I feel that it was deeply selfish of her. Am I wrong?

I mean: do what you want. Nothing and no one can stop you, except your own lack of willpower and commitment. But don’t make any demand of me regarding my expressed attitude toward your act.

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Caveat: Not this blog’s “first post”

[UPDATE 2024: in 2020, I started another blog. This, below, was THAT blog’s “first post,” back-dated to when I made it – but I have made a retroactive decision (in 2024) to include that blog’s posts on this here blog. A blogular consolidation, if you will. What is below is that content of that blog-post.]

I built this website [i.e. that other website] some years ago, but it had no “blog” attached to it. It was just a minimalist political platform that I never used, never publicized, and only sparingly maintained.

Last week, something happened that crystallized for me a growing desire to express myself politically, somehow, somewhere. So I decided to start an explicitly political blog. What better place for it than as an adjunct to my moribund political platform website?

I already maintain two personal blogs. One is for my creative writing, for journaling my day-to-day life, for photos I take and things I do and for my friends and family to see what I’m up to. Another blog is for my hobby community, where I prefer not to be “too transparent” in my online persona.

But in both blogs, I have mostly deliberately refrained from overt political statements. Part of the problem is that my friends and family are ideologically diverse – and I’d prefer not to alienate any of them with my own strongly held political opinions. Lately, too, I actually live somewhat in fear that if my neighbors, friends and coworkers knew my actual political stances, it could put me at risk of – for lack of a better word – “ostracism” – if not something worse, like losing a job or not being able to call on neighbors for help in a time of need.

The crystallizing event was conversation which I witnessed at work, between a coworker and a local resident. The local resident and my coworker, call them L. and T., were discussing the first presidential debate, between Biden and Trump (they are both Trump supporters, wearing buttons and with bumper stickers on their cars).

T. said, “You have to be ready – I know it’s scary, but you know, Biden might steal the election.”

L. said, with a dead-serious face that brooked no argument, “It’s gonna hit the fan. We need to start rounding up democrats and shooting them, now.” This is not an idle threat from L. – a well known gun collector and local 2nd amendment nut.

They looked to me for endorsement, as if this were an unassailable proposition.

I had to say nothing. Pick your battlesDon’t jeopardize your work relationships with political argument. Even my silence was probably viewed as problematic.

I was stewing inside. I need to have some kind of outlet to discuss these issues.

I must be clear. L. and T. are quite kind and reasonable people, in many respects. Indeed, my coworker has been generous to a fault with me personally, and has proven to be remarkably “live and let live” with respect to the people actually encountered day-to-day. Yet when confronted with a monstrous, amorphous other, “democrats,” baser instincts apparently kick in.

To those reading: if I have sent you a link to this, it’s because I trust you and need to express myself. I actually want you to share – on facebook or other social media or political forums. But, please do not link my name to this websiteI’m going to run this blog anonymously.

I don’t know how often I’ll post here. I expect I might post fairly often for the next few months, as the election plays out. I might let it fall dormant again, after that.

[UPDATE 2024: Again, to be clear, by posting this post here on my main blog, I’m abrogating my intention to remain anonymous.]


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Caveat: A Merry Food Rant

Today is the six month anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. It happens to be Christmas day, too.

That makes it a good day for a rant about food.

Food is a part of the Christmas theme. My relatives ask me about how it’s going with my eating. My coworkers cannot stop offering it to me. My friends invite me out to eat.

Every day, I eat three meals, and each one is a kind of torture.

On good days, I just say, well, forget food! – it’s a luxuriant distraction anyhow; I can find satisfaction in other things. “Gluttony is a sin,” and all that.

But… food is so core to everyone’s social world. It’s what friends do together – they go out to eat. It’s how relatives show love or concern. It’s what coworkers do together. It’s how the boss rewards us. It’s how the parents of my students show gratitude. It’s what strangers first offer….

So by having these “food issues” that I am having, I end up having social issues, too. As an introvert and someone with social issues already, it’s the last thing I need or want. But I’m stuck with it.

In fact, sometimes I speculate that there is perhaps an aspect of karmic payback to this whole “food issue” that I’m suffering. To have this kind of problem, centered around food, is probably “just desserts” (haha get it?) for a man who has struggled with both anorexia and obesity in his life, at different times.

On bad days, I feel like my “deal with the devil” to stay alive and survive this cancer wasn’t even worth it. Will people just leave me alone about food? Please? I’m sick of it. Sick to death of it.

pictureI can’t eat comfortably, but I can eat to stay alive. I prefer to eat alone, because the joy I take from eating, these days, is similar on the pleasure scale to the joy I take from vomiting – as such, it’s not something I want people to watch me experiencing.

I’m tired of being invited and pitied and queried and being-concerned-about. Food sucks. It may never be a fun thing for me, again. So that’s life. But frankly, I’m going to go live on a mountaintop alone, and eat my soft noodles in quiet-suffering-solitude, if all you people don’t stop bothering me about food.

No, I don’t want to go out to eat with you. No, it is not fun for me to sit and watch you enjoy your food. No, not just a bite of that cookie or cake because surely it’s not so bad as I say, thank you. No, I don’t know when it will get better. No, I don’t want your advice anymore about how to make things more palatable.

OK. That’s the last I’m going to post anything negative about food. When people ask me about it, I’ll point them to this post. If I have good news, I’ll share it.

Enjoy your Christmas. Be thankful for small things, like good friends and good food and… ah. Whatever.

What I’m listening to right now.

Santa Hates You, “Raise the Devil.” This is not an anti-Christmas joke. Santa Hates You is one of those German gothic-industrial groups I sometimes listen to, in my darker moods. They have a somewhat intellectual posture, within the genre.
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Caveat: Warring Romanization Rantings

Normally I enjoy the linguistics blog called LanguageLog immensely, but today a post by Victor Mair left a sour taste in my mouth. Doubly. Originally, I was going to post my complaints about his post as comments to the LanguageLog blog, but my past efforts to join the community at LanguageLog have been utterly ignored – I’m not the right sort of linguistics geek, apparently – so I decided to rant here, instead.
Firstly, Mair was posting one of his frequent examples of Chinglish/Konglish/Japanglish (which sometimes goes under the generic epithet of “Engrish” but that seems awfully Japanese-centric as a term, at least phonologically speaking). But the example he was sharing was from a sign posted in a Japanese lavatory, which said in English “Tap water may be used for drinking water.” Mair seems to think there is something wrong with this bit of English. But, at least in my dialect in of English, it’s quite common to use the preposition “for” with the same meaning as “as” – hence the sign’s text is equivalent to “Tap water may be used AS drinking water” which makes complete sense. The sign’s only linguistic crime might be stylistic – its slightly repetitive in its deployment of the noun “water.”
But what really annoyed me was when he decided, parenthetically, to devote several column inches – perhaps even a column foot or two – to the rant of an anonymous colleague against South Korea’s “Revised Romanization.” I suppose I shouldn’t complain – for my part, I’ve ranted more than once against Martin’s version of the Yale Romanization (which the cited ranter at LanguageLog prefers).
Certainly I can’t stand the old McCune-Reischauer system that existed in various incarnations prior to 1999. McCune-Reischauer was the romanization I learned when I first studied Korean (as badly as I did) in the early 1990’s, and with some modifications it is the system that North Korea still uses today.
What I found more odd was the reason (or reasons) this anonymous scholar bases his/her objection on. He/she claims the romanization of ㅓ as “eo” and ㅡ as “eu” under the revised system are linguistic “embarrassments.” Fine – I happen to agree. But when mapping a 14 vowel system to the five vowel symbols of the Latin alphabet, compromises are inevitable. To speak briefly of Martin’s romanization, in what way is “ceng” as a romanization of 정 (RR “jeong” IPA /t͡ɕʌŋ/) not an embarrassment, too?
For someone like this anonymous ranter, with supposed linguistic training, it seems remarkably naive. All romanization systems for Korean are going to involve tradeoffs, and the tradeoffs made with the revised system as adopted and promulgated by the South Korean government, as I see it, were focused on two objectives: 1) the system should be as easy as possible for non-speakers to “get close to” the expected pronunciation, or, at the least, habituate themselves to it over time; 2) the system should avoid all diacritics and special symbols (this is a major drawback of the popular McCune-Reischauer system, which has “ŏ” and “ŭ” for ㅓ and ㅡ respectively, among other frustrating diacritic and “apostrophe” rules). This latter requirement against diacritics is, in my mind, what led to the two “embarrassments” mentioned. Clearly digraphs were required, and settling on what digraphs to use for which vowels was going to involve some level of discomfort. 
I seem to be the only Westerner with any background in linguistics who prefers the Revised Romanization over any of the alternatives. I would speculate that it is because of my background in computing and programming (and hence ASCII) – the rise of technology and the internet were part of the justification in 1999 for the revised system’s rejection of diacritics – they wanted a system that was transparently “ASCIIable.” In this way, I have a great deal of sympathy for the perspectives of the 1990’s committee – they wanted to move toward a romanization system that maximized their advantages vis-a-vis the inconveniently roman internet. It was of a piece with other government-directed manipulations of Korean cultural content oriented toward a remarkably forward-looking post-industrial policy.
Such a need has been utterly obviated by subsequent generations of technology, all now mostly based on the well-designed unicode system, which means that the Korean internet has begun to be mostly in unicode hangeul rather than any romanization at all. But in the 1990’s nobody could have predicted technology solving the ASCII dilemma so quickly and easily, and so, from the perspective of the committee desigining the Revised Romanization, their motivation to reject diacritics was exceptionally strong and very understandable.
Personally, quite early on I was able to overcome my discomfort with the digraphs “eo” and “eu” by reminding myself that they were no more “weird” than the very common use of the digraphs “oe” and “ue” for “ö” and “ü” in some European languages. Those examples are equally opaque, phonologically, yet widely accepted, and the underlying principle of the digraphs in both cases is almost the same – thus it could be understood that in the revised system, they’re using an “e” to mark the “missing” diacritic of McCune-Reischauer. In fact, without any inside knowledge, that’s how I suspect the committee choosing the digraphs saw it.

Caveat: Hangoogledoodle Ranting

<rant>

Yesterday when I landed on the google homepage, I was interested in the googledoodle (“google doodle,” the customized, constantly changing logo-artwork around the word “google”), because it was obscure and artistic in a style that caught my attention. So I went to hover the cursor over the googledoodle, which will give a short explanation of what it’s about.

Googledoodle_호르헤 루이스 보르헤스 탄생 112주년 Lo, to my dismay, the googledoodle hovertext was hangeulized. It was a han-googledoodle. This struck me as annoying, but fortunately, I can read a little bit of Korean.  It said:  “호르헤 루이스 보르헤스 탄생 112주년” – [horeuhe ruiseu boreuheseu tansaeng 112 junyeon = Jorge Luis Borges’ 112th birtday]. Charming. A nice bit of googledoodling, to be sure (see picture). And… I love JLB, of course – how could I not, given my literarophilosophical predilictions? So, that’s a given.

But I felt a sensation of annoyed, impending rantiness about the issue of the hovertext, itself. I have been annoyed, before, because of a website’s laziness (that’s my perception of the site programmers affect, I mean) with respect to what I would call “language detection issues.”

Yes, it’s true that I’m in Korea. And my IP address says so. But there’s plenty of evidence available to the browser’s page-rendering software that can tell the webpage in question that I would prefer presentation of information in English – after all, that’s my computer’s OS installation language, and that’s my browser’s default language. Both pieces of information are in no way concealed from the browser, as far as I know. Most notably, I have visited plenty of sites that recognize my language (even before I log on – and I never save cookies so that’s not what’s going on, either) – inlcuding, lo and behold, gmail, which presumably shares programming expertise with googledoodlers, coxisting together in the same giant chocolate-factory-by-the-bay, as they do.

So when I see things like that – let’s call it “IP-address-driven language defaulting behavior” – it just pisses me off. It’s not that I don’t like the Korean – I even welcomed the brief puzzle that the hovertext presented. But it’s the fact that it seems to represent a parochial, lazy approach to solving a much more elegantly solvable web programming problem – that’s what annoys me.

Hence my desire to make this little rant, here.

</rant>

And, P.S., Happy Birthday to that benevolent bonaerense, blind prophet of postmodernism!

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Caveat: Language is not the same as culture (thankfully)

This is one instance where the “caveat,” above, is “real” – I really mean that as a caveat to what I am about to say.

I have been feeling a bit annoyed with some aspects of contemporary South Korean culture, lately. The issue that came up yesterday was perhaps just a “final straw” that pushed me into outright anger. Many Koreans are unabashedly racist. This is not the same as the mild xenophobia that I often comment on.  Korean xenophobia is something that is both historically understandable given their repeated subjugation over the centuries to the Chinese, Mongols or Japanese, as well as being something that I would characterize as essentially more naive and reflexive rather than somehow premeditated or unethical.

But many Koreans also have openly racist attitudes, which are more complex than simple xenophobia, because there are hierarchies of “good” and “bad” races. I see these as having been “imported” at some point from both Japan and the West, and more specifically, from 1930’s Japan and 1950’s America – which were the “occupiers” at those specific times. Pale Europeans, whether from Europe or North America, are near the top of the hierarchy. Koreans and Japanese are, too – although since the Japanese are the “enemy,” they get disqualified from Korean respect for different, non-racist reasons… if that makes any sense. More like a hated sibling. But to be a non-European, non-East Asian in Korea must be utter hell. That’s my speculation.

Um… I’m being disorganized, here. I’m ranting. Yesterday, talking about student exchange programs with a Korean, he mentioned something about the difficulty of placing minority American kids with Korean host families. And something like, “hopefully we can convey this sensitive issue to the Americans.”

I thought about this a bit, and felt only outrage. Why should Americans bear the responsibility for accommodating Korean racism? If Koreans want to participate in a student exchange program, it should be their sole responsibility to cope with making sure their attitudes can accommodate any possible American. That’s the only possibility that looks ethical, from my point of view.

OK. Back to the “caveat.”

I have always felt a great deal of ambivalence about some aspects of Korean culture. There’s the low-grade disrespect for rule-of-law: the never-ending stream of offers for illegal employment being just my own personal brush with this phenomenon. There’s the xenophobia, already mentioned.  There are the in-group / out-group distinctions, which can sometimes make one feel that one is living in a country inhabited exclusively by people suffering from a mild form of autism.

Then there’s the ageism. Ostensibly, Korea is a culture that honors elders. But there’s a caveat there: elders are only honored as long as they’re doing what they’re supposed to – they need to be fulfilling age-appropriate roles. Thus, I have actually been refused two interviews for teaching jobs, solely because of my age, and I was openly told that that was the reason – it’s not illegal, here, to discriminate because of someone’s age.

My love affair (if you want to call it that)… my interest… my focus… has always been an unabiding fascination for the Korean language. Unless you’re some kind of unreformed Whorfian, you will understand that culture and language aren’t the same thing.

So, I reserve my right to love the Korean language, and nevertheless harbor serious misgivings about parts of Korean culture. Which isn’t to say there aren’t parts I like, also. The food is incredible. The entrepreneurial spirit is stunning – though often repressed by the neo-confucians in the bureaucracy. The genuine generosity and kindness of most individual Koreans is undeniable.

I feel thankful that language and culture are not, in fact, the same. Otherwise, I’d feel compelled to leave, just at the moment.

Well… that is a really poorly-structured rant. But… such as it is. More later.
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Caveat: Ranting on behalf of a cat

I’m thinking that posting a myspace profile for Bernie, as part of an effort to get her adopted, has been a mistake.  Part of her having a myspace profile means giving her a blog of her own, and I had decided to include appropriate cat-behaviors such as eating, playing and sleeping in this blog.

However, I just posted a “rant” there, in response to the frankly bizarre reception my cat’s myspace profile has gotten from the myspace “community” – whatever that may be.  I’ll not repeat that rant here – you can look at Bernie’s blog at https://www.myspace.com/berniethecat

Mientras tanto, la vida sigue sin novedades.


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Caveat: A rant worth remembering…

The following was writting in January, to one of our Business Systems Managers (a sort of IT department liaison who job it is to deal with us difficult business / functional folks. All that’s changed is that evidence suggests that my recommendations were not taken. That’s OK – I didn’t think they would be. But I still want to go “on record.” So here goes… any modifications or additions I’ve added are in square brackets [].

Please understand, my motivations are not meant as criticism of any person, department, or process, but rather, I’m driven by a desire to make things genuinely better.

I think there is a growing consensus that the “New Data Warehouse” project fell woefully short of expectations and promises.

[er… outta time … I’ll add the rest later]

[um… I never finished this rant. Just as well.]


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