Last night we had a sort of less-formal-than-usual 회식 (hoesik = work-related meal/meeting event).
I genuinely like my coworkers, but even when it’s clear they like and respect me, too, I never feel like I can settle into my “real self” at these kinds of things. It’s complicated – everything about me is so “constructed” – so “intentional.” Who am I, really? It’s hard even to decide what kind of person I’m trying to be, much less to be that person consistently while drinking alcohol. I feel like I stick with that “quiet observer of my fellow humanity” role, but it no doubt disconcerts people: my failure to speak too much, my failure to become raucous or candid. And inside, I’m just a little bit lonely, and a little bit confused, and frustrated with my many shortcomings, and second-guessing each utterance, as I always have. As I always have.
I got home late. Or early. 4 am. I tried to sleep. I woke up. I drew something, as if it had come to me in a dream, but without that actually having been the case. I slept some more.
