I've commented before that in some ways, I seem to like being an obvious foreigner – it seems to confirm or reinforce my internal feelings of alienation. Yesterday I was forced to think about this when I found myself feeling uncomfortable because some foreigners, like myself (Westerners), were being friendly to me, and rather than being friendly back, I was being antisocial. Not blatantly antisocial – just not opening up to the conversation.
Then again, sometimes I get antisocial with everyone, but I was thinking that if it had been locals trying to be friendly with me, I'd have been less antisocial, probably. I was trying to figure out what was going on in my mind.
I didn't have much luck figuring things out, except to realize that I am (have always been, will probably always be) a loner. And maybe one reason I don't mind existing in a country where I don't know the language, and where I stand out so much, etc., is because it allows me to be much more existentially alone. The chances of being understood diminish to near zero. Which seems to suit me in some weird way – it's like my mental process is: "no one is going to understand me, anyway, so I might as well spend time around people who won't feel badly that they don't understand me."
