Caveat: Memory Function

I got into Philly area last night and stayed at a motel just off the turnpike.  Then this morning, being in the neighborhood more or less, I decided to first drive around the central Montgomery County area where Michelle and I used to live – for the last year I was out here, anyway.

Much to my amazement, I couldn't find my way around!  I have always had such a great geographical memory.  This was very disconcerting.  It took me about 30 minutes of zigzagging and spiraling about Upper Gwynedd / Lansdale to realize we'd lived just off Sumneytown Pike.  I subsequently began to recognize some things – the McDonalds at Valley Forge Rd, the huge Merck campus where Michelle worked, downtown Lansdale. 

But I've been reflecting on the eerie dearth of clear, coherent memories from this period.   I suppose the conventional explanation is that I've "blocked out" this period of my life.  And there's possibly some truth to that.  I have much clearer memories of the year in Philadelphia (95-96, in the apt on 43rd St) I spent alone, while Michelle was finishing her degree in Minnesota.  But what happened, here, in the following two years, with Michelle?  Am I able, or ready, to answer that question?

One thing that I know I've had a very hard time admitting to myself:  when I dropped out of grad school, after that disasterous fall semester in which I barely passed my Master's exams and received much criticism on the quality of my work from my professors – I nursed, from the very start, the idea that my inability to cope with the pressures of school were "because of" my relationship with Michelle.  I felt I'd been forced to make a choice:  Michelle, or grad school, but not both.  In fact, it was Professor Salessi (whom I respected profoundly) who said, "no puedes tener una vida personal y a la vez lograr en un programa como este. [you can't have a personal life and at the same time succeed in a program such as this one.]"

But what happened that I have only just now realized (not quite as an epiphany, but, well, on reflection, I guess) is that that was the seed of the dissolution of our relationship, because from then on I resented the choice – I felt I'd compromised beyond my will to do so.   I'd been un-willed – in a Nietzschean sense.  And however much it was the case that the choice was a true choice or was instead one that I'd manufactured to accommodate my own shortcomings and disappointments, regardless, I lost control of my life at that moment.

OK, that's heavy stuff.  And more:  from that day, I somehow decided that the only way to survive was to be (or to try to become) whatever it was Michelle wanted me to be.  And that was impossible – both for her own inconsistencies and for my own limitations.   In that ill-fated conversation several weeks before her suicide when she'd asked me if there was any way I'd ever consider getting back together again, and I said to her no, I added, "I've recaptured my destiny.  I cannot."

She therefore died in part of a broken heart, and I was the one (or one of the ones) who broke it.  But I know better than to blame myself (or not, exclusively, anyhow) – there were all kinds of scars and damage that "caused" her to depart for somewhere else ("to a world where I belong" – her words, in that same time period).  Nevertheless, these rolling, amazingly verdant hills of suburban Montgomery and Bucks Counties are crawling with ghosts, and I'll not call this part of my trip a pleasure visit, but rather a moment of remembrance.

I'll move on to remembering the happier times of the east coast, and go into the city today, visit the Penn campus, and then go make my pilgrimage to Manhattan.

Caveat: Faith-based Atheist

I’m a “faith-based atheist.”

What in the world is that?

It means that, unlike an agnostic, I’m certain about god: specifically, that there isn’t one. But such certainty isn’t something that submits to any kind of objective proof: just as the religious person must accept the existence of his or her god(s) as a matter of faith, so must the true atheist rely on belief over material evidence – after all, how do you prove god doesn’t exist? Anything short of this standard-of-proof makes one an agnostic, not an atheist.

What’s still more difficult, is to strive for an ethical existence when the most commonly invoked “cause” (or source) of human ethics (namely, the alleged “higher powers”) have been unequivocally rejected. It seems to me that the only ethical atheist is one who accepts that his or her belief is indeed just that – a belief, not a demonstrated “fact.” Atheists who assert some kind of exceptionalism for their own beliefs vis-a-vis the beliefs of non-atheists strike me as hypocritical. I’m profoundly uncomfortable with many atheists – of the secular-humanist stripe – who attempt to position themselves as rationalists – I think it’s not only philosophically perilous but ultimately unethical due to this inherent hypocrisy.

Despite this, I’m also displeased with the tendency of humanists (again, i.e. “secular humanists”) to categorically place human beings in the center of things. Such pre- (or even anti-) Copernican posturing is just as irrational as the traditional, god-centered systems they presume to criticize – in my judgement, anyway.
With the categorical rejection of the transcendental and god-centric, I believe that there must come a similarly vehement rejection of the anthropocentric. So… but what’s left, then?

Let me get back to you on that one. Does this make me sound like a nihilist? This is a possibility. I’m most comfortable with a sort of aesthetic take on the whole matter, a la Robinson Jeffers Inhumanism. But that doesn’t really resolve the epistemological issues – which are what seem to most interest me.

Another issue is how I can reconcile my committed atheism with my frequent self-description as a “Buddhist.” However, one has to understand that Buddhism, in most conceptions, is doctrinally agnostic with respect to the theist question. To attempt to paraphrase Gautama Siddhartha, as I have understood it: when asked about the existence of deities or God, he reportedly answered that, like everything else, it was both true and not true. Thus there is room within Buddhism for both atheists and theists, as well as whatever falls in between.

[Updated 2015-10-08]
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Caveat: politics

Politics is making a comeback in Jared's brain – after a nearly two-decades-long sabbatical.  This may be a false alarm.  But I've been feeling passionate about a certain political issue, and shocked and dismayed by my stand's noticeable unpopularity among nearly all of those with whom I share it. 

So, what has me all worked up?  Not Bush's war(s).  That's just "same old, same old."  Not the environment, or nuclear proliferation, or any of the various greenishly lefty sorts of things that used to get me excited in my ill-spent youth.  No, here in my ill-spent middle age, the issue that has me fuming and actually writing letters to politicians is the issue of immigration.  And most everyone I talk to about is completely put off by the stand that I take.

That position is quite simply summarized in one short, unambiguous sentence:  "citizenship belongs to those who show up."   Is this hard to understand?  I don't think so – it goes all the way back to Rousseau and the idea of the social contract and all that.  It's as democratic as things can get.  It boils down to the notion that if you want to be a part of this participatory democracy, then, welcome aboard.  Here are your rights, here are your obligations (yes, there are obligations:  pay taxes, follow the rules, etc.).  INCLUDING the Thoreauvian obligation which all citizens have to protest and resist unjust laws.  Hence my fundamental beliefs that a) illegal immigrants have as much right to be here as anyone else, and b) the argument against them that focuses on their illegality as opposed to their role as immigrants is xenophobic hogwash.  It's the standard NIMBY / "I got mine, so f**k off" attitude.  Jim Crow laws were wrong in their time, and the laws against the free movement of otherwise law-abiding humans is wrong in ours.   To the extent that we characterize ourselves as truly a democracy embracing human rights, we MUST end this injustice.

I reject any effort to characterize my belief as incoherent – as many of my interlocutors have done.  It's the purest, logical libertarianism imaginable, applied to the question of immigration.  It's about the freedom of peoples to choose their homes and, more importantly, their polities. 

Caveat: nonsense

I spent part of the day, yesterday, reading blogs. I really don't do that, very often. I had discovered (or, more likely, re-discovered) a review of the "Sokal affair" in which a physics professor at NYU had "hoaxed" the pomo (postmodernist) publication "Social Text" by sending in an article full of jargony BS and the editors let it through.   It was quite a scandal, as it allegedly proved just how vacuous pomo discourse really is – it was an "emperor has no clothes" moment. 

I also discovered an interesting little website that randomly generates a pomo article each time you refresh the page.   A lovely tool, but my first thought was – I bet some of the things that get said are really profound.  It's kind of like an instantiation of Borges' infinite library, for a particular type of discourse.  Another tool that has similar functionality is the Kant generator.  Again, my reaction, more than – wow, random BS! – is, instead – I wonder if this can generate real meaning?  Finally, there is a random generator of CSCI research papers made by some people at MIT.  Infinite monkeys, infinite typewriters, all that. 

Regardless, a review of the Sokal affair caused me to question the pomo allegiances I tend to take for granted in myself.   My affairs with Jameson, Deleuze, et al.   Are they really that impenetrable?  Or, contrariwise, am I really so deleuzional as to believe I "get" what they're trying to say?   

Currently I'm struggling through a kind of phase where I question just about everything – about what I believe, about what I want to do, about what I like  to do.  Ad infinitum.  So why no question what philosophical / lit. crit. authors I take seriously, too?

I have no answers, here.  Nor even any profound, clearly-expressed doubts.  But  I think back to Jean-Jacques LeCercle's Philosophy of Nonsense:  just because it's nonsense, doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything.  There's value and, ironically, meaning to be found in nonsense.  It's a worthwhile pursuit in and of itself.  So if the pomos are writing nonsense, maybe they've got a reason for it.   

 

Caveat: jobs & lit crit

So the interview probably didn't go as well, in retrospect, as I might have hoped.  I was unfocused – having the epiphany in the middle that I didn't really WANT the job didn't help, I'm sure.   Meant I was going through the motions, and that can't be good for quality-of-presentation. 

Meanwhile, my current job goes on, despite a deficit of motivation on my part. More limbo, then. More nothing.

Was reading Harper's recently, an article about language and poetry, about Eluard and the way that poetry is about that which cannot be mapped.  Interesting idea – striking because it may have resonances with respect to my thesis on Cervantes' Persiles and the Quijote and the way that they function as "maps" of the Spanish Golden Age social space (and of each other). 

Obviously, Quijote or Persiles are, specifically, NOT poetry, but rather novels.  Prose.  The beginning of the "opposite" (this hyperbole is not meant literally, just literarily) of poetry.  But then… the idea works only if an effort to extend the metaphor to a "poetic" text (e.g. El Cid) failed.  I'm not sure it would.  Then again, there's the unstated fact that the Harper's article was most definitely talking about MODERN poetry.  Perhaps that's different?

Caveat: angst

Everyone who knows me, knows that I struggle with focus. Not the narrow, task-centered, short-term focus associated with getting a piece of query code to work, or explicating a compelling bit of philosophy or literary criticism, or even with driving.  I'm pretty good at that, and on rare occasions even experience that thing I've heard called "flow" wherein I get pretty much inside the current moment, zenishly. 

 

No, the type of focus I struggle with is of that more existential, life-encompassing sort, that leads to a certain large-scale aimlessness.  Many people reference it with the phrase "I haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet, when I grow up."  Which becomes more ironic yet utterly serious with the increasing age of the person making the utterance.  Frankly, although I have always harbored a senseless dislike for the phrase itself, it really subsumes this focus problem of mine quite succinctly.  So there, I've uttered it – with a modicum of redirection, of course.

 

"I'm only on my fourth career, and I don't expect it to be my last."  This is a phrase I have taken to using quite a bit, lately, although it's probably just as sophomoric, ultimately, as the one just discussed above.  Let me try to make this more concrete:  I can envision myself doing so many things that I rarely envision the same future for myself from one hour to the next, much less from one day or week or month or year to the next. 

 

One minute, I'm dropping everything, moving to Lisbon and working on "my book."  (Not sure what book that would be – obviously figuring that out would be a good, though not indispensable, first step). 

 

Next minute, I'm going to business school full time, possibly in Europe, and then moving on to become some kind of high-powered IT manager.

 

An hour later, I'm traveling to Korea and finding a position as an English teacher.

 

Another time, I go to Tunisia, with a sincere commitment to become fluent in that beautiful language, Arabic.

 

I occasionally imagine sticking with my current job, gaining new skills in the area of programming, development, and database architecture.

 

These and many many others are all equally possible, even almost equally plausible.

 

Recently, I had another job interview.  This time, with a fairly high-powered "guru" of the software development world, for a position I really had almost zero qualifications for but some definite degree of interest.  Naturally, the context of a job interview forces one to spend a good deal of energy on working out plausible futures, which can be shared and conveyed to the person doing the interviewing.

 

And somehow in that self-selling moment, all the different possible futures – one specific instance of which is suddenly under a bruising, close, interactive scrutiny – become shockingly, painfully, embarrassingly and equally implausible, and I become stranded on my isle of bitter insecurity and pointless daydreaming.  It all seems drowningly futile, like one of those dreams you cannot wake up from.

 

For the briefest of moments, I experience one of those intractable gasps of aching nostalgia for that least aimless yet really most intentionally purposeless period of my entire life:  I yearn for the psychiatric ward. 

 

Because it was so explicitly, irredeemably FUTURELESS.  Which made it super-easy, from an existential standpoint.

 

Because the future is scary.

 

So I guess this is one of those flexion-points, where I might decide to step away from my current future, and toward another.  But a friend (a colleague) made an observation to me the evening before the interview – really, also, an observation OF me.  He pointed out (and somehow had figured this out despite missing major portions of my biography) that I was a serial quitter. 

 

And maybe I should get over that?

 

The hardest future to adopt, in other words, is the one currently coming at you.  Alternate futures are easier, perhaps.  Am I destined to always be a refugee in my own alternate futures, in exile from my own alternate pasts?

 

 

Caveat: 10000 questions and a really long commute

The new job has begun.  I'm full of questions all day long, learning a new industry, new data, new applications. 

What's HL7?  It's a data interchange standard (ANSI style) for healthcare industry.

What's AdavantX?  It's a software package for managing hospitals and ASC's (ambulatory surgery centers). 

What's ADT?  Admission, Discharge, Transfer – moving bodies around the system.

I had to go by the HR department upon leaving work today to pick up my new badge.  The HR department is located in a different part of Long Beach (north of downtown instead of northeast, out by the airport, where my new job is).  So I drove over there, then as I was leaving driving up Long Beach Blvd to the 405 and there was this spectacular, postcard-framed view of downtown LA.  Which is what, 20 miles north of here.  Really remarkable, unsmoggy view.  Cool.

Meanwhile, I'm diligently going to the gym each evening.  I'm procrastinating on that even this very moment.  So far, not much to show for it – my weight won't go down, and my legs and back are sore.  This is supposed to be good for me… really.   Somehow, this is involved in "quality of life."

I'm reading (well, trying to read) Adorno's Negative Dialectics – despite the "negative" of the title it's probably one of the most constructive post-WWII efforts at making philosophy useful and interesting.   Up there with Deleuze, Foucault, et al.  But I need Hegel to make sense of this… I'm not conceptually equipped for it.   Whatever.

Caveat: Honeysuckle and asphalt

So it's been a while – I confess, I've been in a bit of a funk.  Not inactive, exactly – but not active in the areas where I feel I should be active, maybe.  I've been doing job interviews, but my heart is only in half in it, as I mostly yearn for a job for the structure and the discipline, not for the need for employment per se.  I've been reading a huge amount – Deleuze on Spinoza, Innerarity's Dialéctica de la modernidad, where he points out that the cynic is just a cartesian or kantian idealist, but defeated.  Accurate, I think.

It rained last night – despite my confidence that the rainy season in LA was over.  Not sure what's up with that – more and more, southern California seems to be getting these spring / summer monsoon-type weather patterns, like this morning's cloudbursts, which left the air clean and preternaturally clear, with well-shaped clouds of white and cobalt shredding themselves against the rumpled olivegreen mountains.  Driving up the 134 toward Pasadena with my window rolled down, the smell of asphalt mingled with honeysuckle and the ozoney reek of recent summer rain reminded me of Mexico City, which reminded me of southern California.

Caveat: The rest of the story

I had bought a "package" tour, for the simple reason that it seemed like a much better value, given the limited scope of my intended visit. 

Included in the package was:  round trip by ferry from Algeciras to Ceuta; bus (or, as it turned out, minivan) passage from Ceuta to Tetouan to Tanger to Ceuta (a little triangle on the map, about 50 km to a side); three meals – lunch, dinner, breakfast; hotel in Tanger.

Morocco, day 1. 

I showed up at the offices of Eurotras (eurotrash?), the tour company, at the ferry terminal in Algeciras, at around 8 am.  They gave us (those of us on the tour) tickets for Ceuta (not the return tickets, which we were to receive in Ceuta on return), and an envelope that contained the documentation for the remainder of the trip, to present to the guide at Ceuta.

My companions were a young portuguese couple, she spoke spanish fairly well, but her husband was brazilian (from Minas Gerais) and was adamantly monolingual.  I can understand portuguese fairly well if I work at it, but Rodrigo was pretty darn opaque.  Victoria, however, was interesting to talk to.  She works in a temporary agency (one of those people who interview the temps and place them in jobs) in Lisboa.  She had a lot of penetrating observations on the neo-liberal economic model and the precariousness of the world's job markets.

When we arrived at Ceuta, we were met by two guides – a gentleman named Mohamed and another whose name I never quite figured out.  Mohamed spoke excellent spanish and atrocious english, but insisted on trying to say everything in both languages, which was occasionally quite painful to listen to. 

We were also joined at this point by a retired british couple, who were staying with relatives in Gibraltar and had decided to make a day trip to Morocco.  The Portuguese couple were also on a day trip… I was the only one who was planning to stay overnight.

We got into a minivan that had phenomenally uncomfortable seats.  Perhaps I'm overly used to the reasonably comfortable seats on trains, these days.

At the border with Morocco, there was a substantial delay.  Based on reading I'd done online the night before, this is standard – it's got to do with the fact that Ceuta is to Morocco what Gibraltar is to Spain – an "illegitimately occupied enclave."  The British man (Doug?  A retired lawyer) observed the interesting parallel, and I said it seemed like a classic "pecking order" – britain takes gibraltar from the spanish, so spain takes ceuta from the moroccans, so the moroccans take all of former spanish sahara from the sahareños, who live in refugee camps in the desert and have the highest infant mortality rate in the world.  All's fair in love, war, and geopolitics.

So from the Moroccan perspective, we were entering their country from an administrative limbo.  Fortunately, our guides mediated this complex process – one commentary online I read said that this was just one of many places where having a guide is not just a good idea, but really the only option. 

Really, in this very different world, every transaction must be mediated.  So, we drove down the mediterranean coast, for about an hour, as low, cobalt clouds scudded over the rubble-strewn countryside.  Reminded me of the landscape in the northern part of Baja California, where, in the winter, the hills are equally green and the towns are equally squalid.  It was chilly, and a hard wind blew from the north, making the whitecaps on the mediterranean tilt sideways.

We arrived in Tetouan and got off the van, and plunged into the ancient (14th-16th century) medina.  Tetouan was founded in the 14th century, but received it's primary population in the thousands of mozarabs (muslim spaniards) and jews who were expelled from spain by the catholic hierarchy at the end of the 15th c. 

There was a steady drizzle, which mixed with the rotting vegetables, spit, concrete "crumbs," and dogshit to make a light coating of sludge in the narrow passageways of the medina.  Everywhere behind our little tour-group, children and gap-toothed men would follow, demanding "solo un e-uro please merci" in exchange for some trinket or another.  And men selling belts, oranges, gum.  And women on their knees in heavy kaftans and berber hats. 

The guides showed us the jewish quarter, and the discourse was a weird case of cognitive dissonance.  On the one hand, he expressed pride that Morocco treated jews as equal citizens, had "opened its arms" to the jews expelled from spain in the 15th c., and later to those escaping from Nazism.  He emphasized the current, relatively peaceful, coexistence of muslims, catholics, and jews in the kingdom. 

On the other hand, Mohamed also was keen to observe that, "como los judios tenien todo el dinero" (since the jews have all the money), they've moved from the medina to nicer neighborhoods.  I suppose that, in stereotype terms, many Jews are probably well-off – all stereotypes come from somewhere.  But the bitterness with which the words were pronounced was profoundly anti-Jewish.

One has to be careful with the word anti-semite – this word is never quite accurate as currently used (ie. to refer to anti-Jewish sentiment), but is especially inaccurate when applied to arabs, who also represent a great semitic language and civilization.  One could say that current european anti-semitism is finally coming "home" to its etymological roots, since modern europeans seem to hate equally both arabs and jews.  But an arab anti-semite is etymologically nonsensical.  More on racism, later.

Then came the first of the "hard" sells.  We were taken to a carpet shop.  Apparently, foreign visitors to morocco are expected to buy rugs.  Despite repeated reassurances that "no tienes que comprar nada" – you don't have to buy anything – the pressure was intense, and the prices – as I persisted with "no gracias" "non merci" "laa shukran" – shrunk tenfold.  A carpet quoted at 770 euros dropped to 80 euros an hour later.  I suppose there are visitors who buy sooner than later, and pay the first price? 

What would that same rug be priced at, at wal-mart?  39.99?  What's the person's labor worth – probably a berber woman – who made the rug?  At Wal-Mart's price, it's pennies an hour… less.  At the tourist special (770 euros), she may actually be close to american minimum wage.  But what american or european would be happy paying that price?  She wouldn't see that money anyway … she's already been paid, perhaps 20 or 30 dollars, for her work.  The rest goes to the middlemen – whether a merchant in the medina in tetouan or to the corporate coffers at wal-mart.

The mint tea they served at the carpet shop was quite tasty.  I think that the merchants were especially annoyed with me, as opposed to the brits or the portuguese, because the mistook my willingness to chat for an interest in their product.  It was really a linguistic accident – I was the only one sufficiently fluent in a language they were comfortable with to be able to chat (Spanish – many Moroccans are quite fluent in Spanish, especially in the north, which was – until after WWII – a Spanish colony).

I found that, on the street, a refusal to say anything but "laa, shukran" was the best strategy to discourage sellers of things – my theory is that I thus could convert myself into a linguistic enigma – it was clear I knew no Arabic except for those words, but my refusal to lapse into anything else (English, French, Spanish) prevented them from getting their grip on any kind of "discursive handle."  Left without a linguistic point of contact, they could only stare at me and gesture to their product. 

Crap, do I sound condescending?  I don't mean to be.  Maybe I should try to comment on that, further on, but, let me try to explain something.  Tourism is an act of violence.  It's violent in the same sense that pouring a volatile chemical (say, an acid or a base) into a thriving colony of insects living in a terrarium is an act of violence.  The chemical consists of molecules that either have a surplus or a shortage of electrons, and these "radicals" naturally destabilize those around them, molecules otherwise perfectly content to get on with their "lives" as parts of bugs or plants. 

Ripping away those electrons destabilizes the equilibrium, and next thing you know, all biosystems and ecosystems are damaged or completely broken.  Likewise, the tourist arrives with a surplus of money and is alien to the local chemical balance, and a storm ensues as the elements in the system seek a new equilibruim. 

I like the metaphor, though I expect it needs to be developed.  Meanwhile, let's ponder the accident that in casual american english, at least, terrorism and tourism are near-homonyms – I think my mother pointed this out to me in an email recently.  Let's play with that.

My thinking is that the best way to avoid being guilty of this kind of violence is to "go native."  You work to remove the flags that tell those around you that you're a "radical" and mark you as a source of surplus.  This is possible for me, as an american, in europe, and, to a more limited extent, also in latin america.  But there are issues of race and comportment that make such chameleonism impossible outside of the "occidental" world. 

This is what I wanted to comment on earlier, vis-a-vis race:  racism is just that process whereby distinguishing features beyond the control of the individual possessing them become cultural "flags" indicative of traits feared or devalued by others. 

The human brain is a sophisticated but non-standard statistical engine of a sort… it makes observations of saliency and calculations of probability and draws correlations of its own accord, and in ways not necessarily "rational."  If a man in a purple hat comes into a room and starts shooting people, and then the next day a man with a purple hat comes into the same room with some of the same people, you can bet those people are going to get nervous.  Why?  Because they made a correlation on a salient trait.  It's not statistically valid by standard statistics, but the process is driven by saliency, not just probability. 

One definition of data analysis (my current "profession"?) is the search for true saliency amid the sea of false salients – ie. statistically legitimate correlations.  But when people criticize racial profiling on the grounds of "accuracy" or "fairness," they're missing the statistical boat.  The only grounds for criticizing racial profiling are moral-ethical – by which I mean you simply have to take, a priori, that such profiling is wrong because it "dehumanizes" (also a problematic term, e?). 

So then we had some lunch.  A delicious curry-like soup, couscous, with chicken, carrots, leeks or cabbage(?), beef on skewers, some sweet bread for desert.   The restaurant itself was beautiful, with tiled arabesques, arches, rugs on the floor.

Caveat: Aimless pilgrimage

Dateline:  Sevilla

Can you believe… I think I´m a little bit tired of travelling.  I found myself yearning for my own bed and my "own" haunt at the burbank starbucks last night, for the first time on this trip, a touch of homesickness, perhaps?

I think the moroccan experience (which will receive full coverage via blog when I can find a wireless connection for my laptop, as I have been writing it up there) was a bit draining. 

Anyway… vis-a-vis "organicism" I might suggest the following: 
1) a life guided above all by an "aesthetic" philosophy (as opposed to, say, a fundamentally ethical, eschatological, or etc., philosophy)
2) per Verbosobob´s comment regarding his liking best the inexplicable divergences from the "organic" in the "organicist" music of composers such as Bach, this aesthetic elevates the digressive over the linear – a la cerventes – an episodic, aimless pilgrimage true to one´s own soul.

Hmm… just thoughthacking, at the moment.  I saw some fabulous work by illustrator Gustave Doré this morning in the Bellas Artes museum in Seville.  Ghostly images of romantic landscapes, beggars in London, originals for engravings for illustrations of Fontaine, Rabelais, Cervantes. 

I´m taking the bus to Lisbon tonight – the trains are full and I couldn´t get a reservation, because next week is semana santa (holy week, when all of Iberia goes on vacation).   Means I won´t really get full use of my Eurailpass, as I´ll have some days leftover… uh, whatever.

Caveat: colloquio interiore

Dateline: Trieste

"Il tempo del viaggio e della vacanza è tempo opportuno per coltivare lo spirito, per soddisfare il desiderio di colloquio interiore e di ritrovamento di sé." Thus tells me the cover page of the bible I found in my hotel room, and for some reason, the idea has resonance with me despite my disinclination to pursue the remainder of the text. I'll pursue my own "interior colloquy" and cultivate my spirit in my own way, I guess.

I walked, and walked, and walked today, but remain uninterested in seeking out the more conventional touristic experiences Trieste offers, although I did bump into James on the bridge over the grand canal (don't imagine something Venetian – Trieste's Grand Canal is just a wet spot in a square off the old harbor, nothing more). Actually, it was a bronze of Mr. Joyce, perambulating the city where he left his soul, by his own report. Trieste's most famous modern son was an adoptee, but no less a son for that.

The Adriatic was no longer grey but a cobalty-bluish-green, sparkling under the sun. It wasn't warm – I stepped in more than one puddle crusted with ice, despite the clear skies and it being already early afternoon. The digital display on a bank told me it was 1 degree celsius. I stopped to watch the great ships as they pushed through the water in the distance, and noticed that the bluffs and mountain peaks lurking on edge of the sea to the north (toward Udine and, ultimately, Austria) were draped in snow all the way down to curving horizon. About half a dozen seagulls swooped around a landward-facing statue, a dull corroded green-looking sailor.

Walking a little further, I found the boat marina, and admired some of the sailboats parked there. Perhaps someday…. I found myself reflecting on another long trip, when I was in Valdivia, in Chile, admiring the sailboats parked there in the Rio Calle-Calle. It wasn't as cold there, but it was damp and had been raining. I have these Schopenhauerian moments – pessimism about the human condition, but not defeatism, per se. More like a romanticist's apotheosis through suffering, tied to the eventual abolition of personal will. Abolition of will? Or is it triumph? "Por Schopenhauer, que acaso descifró el universo." – Thus Borges

Unlike my Chilean friend of those many years ago – Kamel was a meditative human-rights lawyer in what was then an only recently post-pinochetized country – I'm not a convinced schopenhauerian, however. Perhaps I should be, but… something is missing… something. I wish I were better at staying in touch with people.

Caveat: Generative Economics

Dateline:  Krakow

Eurobob (more correctly, Hoosierbob, now) read my last entry and suggested "generative economics" – a la Chomsky.  Brilliant!  Actually wasn't where I was going, exactly, but it's a nice thought.   Generative economics might be the sort of "theory" (although that term makes me uncomfortable) that could be used to either support or refute the line of reasoning I was suggesting, by exposing economic "deep structure" that could be held up and compared to, say, linguistic or cognitive "deep structure."  Nevertheless, the specific "deep structure" I would be inclined to argue in favor of, at the current moment, bears little resemblance to Chomsky's proposed universal grammar, and although to the extent that semiotics includes linguistics, it could be considered a sort of grammar, it's really just a loose rhizomatic network of subjects and objects.  But Bob's definitely onto something. 

Meanwhile:  I've managed to scrape most of what's left of my lungs off my hotel room walls, swallowed plenty of vitamin C and cough suppressant, and I'm headed for points south, vaguely under the impression that, despite my love for snowy climes and polish cities (at least on the very limited sample, so far), all that bitterly cold wind can't be good for my health, which is currently miserable. 

Caveat: Coughcough-krakough

Dateline:  Krakow

Being sick is depressing even at home.   But while travelling, it can be more so – the combination of feeling out of control physically with the demands of alien culture, language, etc., become overwhelming.  I'm pretty certain I've managed to acquire a flu virus.  Yesterday I wasn't feeling well, but I ambitiously set out for Wawel (castle+cathedral that constitutes Poland's historical home of kings and cardinals, including Karol Wojtyla before his promotion in 1978).  I made it to the hill (about 2km from my hotel), but felt feverish and was coughing, and suddenly just gave up and walked back to my hotel, where I spent the day drinking fluids, eating vitamin C pills, and watching some lousy French news channel and napping intermittently.  I was clearly feverish last night, but I resisted the urge to open the window of my hotelroom – I think you have to let the fever do its work.

During my long walk, I began thinking about an odd idea:  what if the success of global market capitalism is rooted in something neurological?  Obviously different economic systems play to different strengths and weaknesses of human cognition, but my recent reading on the nature of thought has brought to the fore the apparently "competitive" or even "darwinian" (not quite appropriate) nature of consciousness:  various "ideas" (or memes, as Dawkins might have it) compete in the space of the mind for ascendancy, and the most dominant currents are what get pushed to consciousness at any given moment.   Could the darwinian nature of markets, along with the primary role accorded to "memes" (e.g. branding in the marketing) within Euro-American capitalism actually have some kind of natural resonance in the human mind?

That's not to discount Marx's progression of modes of production, which I think I still believe in.  But perhaps, viewing each mode of production as a more-or-less successful meme (or rather, "meta-meme"?), could it be that the evolution of cultural-economic structures is inevitably "pushed" by its cognitive environment (memes, after all, have the human mind as their formative habitat) toward the market model?  Or, turning to the dialectic, is it simply that our current models of human cognition are being unexpectedly influenced by the ascendancy of post-industrial capitalism?  Certainly, one could do a productive study of the correlation between historical models of mind (from Plato thru Descartes etc.) and the contemporarily dominant economic mode of production. 

I don't know that the idea has any legs, but it does tie in, at least indirectly, with my understanding of both Quijote and Persiles as "maps" of the socio-economic space of Cervantes' time.   Zizek (sp?) has an interesting study on Deleuze that I was reading before departing on this trip, that posits Deleuze as the theorist of post-industrial capitalism.  And obviously my efforts to tie cognitive models to socio-economic modes of production come straight from Deleuze's "rhizomatics." 

Mostly I'm talking out of my ass – lacking texts or quotes to substantiate my ideas and observations.  But one thing travel has always done for me, and which I was hoping this long trip would do again, is that it gets me out of cognitive "ruts" and helps open me to new ideas.

Caveat: Television & Hell

Dateline:  Amsterdam
I woke up wide awake at 4am. Still struggling with time-change related biochemistry, probably. I had that somewhat obnoxious “hook” from the currently popular Jennifer Lopez song looping through my head – a tenor-saxophony sort of sound, da-da-DA-da, da-da-DA-da ad infinitum. I guess there could be worse.  But one could hope for better, too.
The selection of television channels at this hotel (Hotel Vijaya) is eurotrocious.
There’s the darts channel.   All darts, all the time.  Like watching golf, but more boring.
There’re channels with infomercials 24/7 in both english and german, each with dutch subtitles. An attractive blendery thingy, for example, that I really, really wanted to buy immediately – it seemed to offer a simple solution to most of my core issues.  Fortunately, I can’t dial euro-900 numbers from my room.
There’s CNN, which is fine is small doses, but gets old fast unless I interleave it with a sufficient amount of anything else.   And CNBC, which is occasionally great, except when it segues into infomercials.
Raiuno, an italian-language channel, with a seemingly never-ending parade of 2nd tier celebrity interviews and news about the pope’s health.
A french/swiss channel, with it’s inevitable feel of cultural pomposity – but I probably have spent more time looking at that channel than most of the others, partly because the picture is clearer, but also, I rationalize, to provide me some practice with the admittedly “rusty” language-skills. A nice artist was being profiled yesterday morning – Ming, I think was his name, Chinese-French. Amazing, giant, sloppy black / white / grey busts of old men, children, whoever. Sufficiently impressive to make me want to look him up sometime – hence this note.
The spanish channel, TVE, with its never-ending stream of light news and bad acting and second-rate issues analysis (I learned that spain will be the first country to be voting a referendum on the european constitution, however – probably the only guaranteed “yes” out of the 10 countries where it’s being put to vote). And, regrettably, I’ve got that darn mexican-based prejudice against the ceceo (the pronunciation of “soft c” and “z” as english unvoiced “th” – common to madrileño and more northern castilian dialects – hence “socios” -> /sothios/) – this sort unconscious sociolinguistic red flag that pops up in my head when I hear it, screaming “snob,” is hard to overcome – hopefully once I’m in spain and have spent some time there, I’ll get over that. But on a positive side, I did catch some comedy that made me laugh out loud, the other night. Little sight gags and such, including a bit with a man trying to explain to his boss that he’d found a certain unmentionable body-part in an office trash can, that was quite humorous.
There are a ziljoen (=zillion? … I just made that up, parallel to nederlans “miljoen”) dutch channels of course. I have limited patience for them, not because I don’t understand them (everybody knows I can sit and watch television in languages I don’t understand for hours) but because they all have such a limited repertoire of commercials that they get repetitive fast.
I caught some profoundly derivative but fascinating dutch rap music videos, however. All that gang-sign, inner-city american posturing, body language, movement, eminemesque but translated into dutch. The group was called THC (hmm go figure) and appeared to be several young men of morrocan descent (common immigrant group, here). One piece on social prejudice, blatent buy-in to victim-based culture, but full of legitimate complaints all the same – the dutch white middle-class turning away, ignoring, fearing, etc. Another, happier bit, with dancing girls in morrocanish costume, looked like it was filmed in morroco as well. And apropos morroco, Bob and I went to an exhibit on morrocan history yesterday at the Nieuwe Kerk, the books with their arabic calligraphy were incredible, some of the roman- and punic-era artifacts fascinating, the decorative materials (intricately ornate doors, blankets, etc.) were less interesting to me, however.
So that’s a partial review of my hotel’s television selections.
I have an entrepreneurial vision to make a t-shirt memorializing my visit to Amsterdam, and – specifically – my stay on the periphery of the famous red light district (which I found singularly tawdry and uninspiring):  the shirt will say “museum of chastity / Amsterdam” – with an appropriately unsexy logo(?).   If, as I discussed with Jay some months back, Las Vegas is Hell under Disney administration, then Amsterdam is Hell under the left wing of the democratic party, or perhaps a tribe moderate anarcho-syndicalist college drop outs with a weakness for public spending?
Not that I have anything against Hell – I’m much in the need of familiarizing myself with its geography, customs and mores, given my inevitable long-term prospects, as a “faith-based atheist.”   Besides… most (but not all) of the people I’ve met who are going to Heaven get on my nerves.  Perhaps righteousness is only fun for the people on the “right” side of it.

Caveat: So much for posting regularly…

Dateline:  Pueblo, CO.

I'm zigging and zagging my way cross country, basically from Starbucks to Starbucks, using their wireless access points to stay online.   

Quit my job at Paradise, now I'm looking at being a sort of independent contractor / consultant.  We'll see how that goes.  I'll try to keep things up-to-date.  The current road trip provides a good framework from which to hang commentary.  Stayed at Wendy / Aundi's last night in Santa Fe, had breakfast at Harry's Roadhouse, and had a great deep conversation with brother Andrew. 

As in… what is the nature of consciousness, among other things.  My short answer – it's quantum mechanical self-deception.  The capacity for self-awareness and deception do appear to be tightly linked in the chain of being.

More later, then.

Caveat: Voluptuosidad

Muchisamuchi al lado – dos jovenes se aman, se besan, pero notablemente románticos y cariñosos en extremo.  Me da una alegría destacada.

Leyendo a Nietzsche:  "el sendero de nuestro cielo pasa por la voluptuosidad de nuestro infierno." (our path to heaven goes through our own hell´s voluptosidad.") p 252.

Nietzsche as first evolutionary philosopher, o sea that is the geneological approach, drawing on his own genio and Lamarck – Darwin, he forges a new historicism that is not just (or only) dialectic but systematic, in that it views history as a dynamic system of evolving objects:  men, cultural constructs, ideologies, etc.

"Quisiera dar y distribuir hasta que los sabios de entre los hombres volvieran a sentirse alegres con su locura y los pobres felices con su riqueza." p 256

[The "retroblogging" project:  this is a "back-post" transcribed from paper on 2010-11-28.  I've decided to "fill-in" my blog all the way back.  It's a big project.  But there's no time limit, right?  The above was written one afternoon, after work.  Probably in a Starbucks.  I was reading Nietzsche, in Spanish.]

Caveat: Memoirs of the Architect

-> . . . )  Memoirs of the Architect ? {Post title}
When the calico cat on the couch fades
in the slanted rays of the wintersun
And when the streets outside the window
reach not for home but for their origins
Gentle, gentle, do my tears come.
Without the calculus of my memory to guide
those tears
Without the nurture of my once heroic
imaginings
Quiet, quiet, the pain slips heavily.
Toward anger                .    Time
the                            .        out
Knife                .            of
slips                            time
home.                    lost,
Cannot,
for whatever reason,
That these viscous drops of blood are mine.
And so bloodied a knife in my trembling
hand
Call me to mind,
A japanese garden I once
saw in a photograph which I perceived
with an ambition to become an architect.
A designer of my struggling end.
Little pebbles, little pebbles
meaning
.    for
.            nought
Quiet    .
11/17/83 JARED
There’s no eagerness here.
Nor will it ever come to pass
But in the thick, timid soul
of the non-architect.
There.
It is irremediable.  ( . . . ->
[The “retroblogging” project:  this is a “back-post” transcribed from paper on 2010-11-28.  I’ve decided to “fill-in” my blog all the way back.  It’s a big project.  But there’s no time limit, right?  The above entry was surprising to find.
It appears to mark the very specific moment when I gave up my childhood dream to become an architect.  I’m not sure it explains why, though. UPDATE: This poem was published to my daily poems series as Poem #1692.]
picture

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