Today was one of the worst, most depressing work days in recent memory: just a conspiracy of things going wrong.
I slept badly over the weekend, so I wasn’t well-rested. Then I learned my uncle (my closest uncle, like a second dad to me) had experienced one of those “but for the grace of god” moments, missing dying in a fiery helicopter crash by a matter of minutes at a shift-change (as a helicopter pilot, this is an actual risk for him). I guess brushes-with-death are one thing, but then no one in my family telling me about it for several weeks just underscored how little my family thinks of me.
And then a student’s mom complained because I had made the word quizzes too easy in a class. But here’s the thing: I made the quizzes easy because that same mom complained two weeks ago that the quizzes were causing too much stress for her kid. So wtf does she want?
And then a student said, in a loud voice, 선생님 미워요 [I hate the teacher]. Does he think I really don’t understand any Korean at all? He’s heard me say more complex things in class, I know. What a little jerk. And no matter how contrite or apologetic he was after this, it stings – because these types of expressions-of-feelings are deeply honest. I completely believe that. So… well, it’s not my job to be liked. I know that. But I don’t really want to be hated, either. And being hated isn’t a good way to get through to kids, is it? I can’t get at what I did wrong with this kid.
And who am I to complain about my family’s lack of communication with me, given my own behavior? I don’t exactly reach out to them in a conventional sense. Still…. Digression: obviously this blog means nothing to any of them, as most of them resent how I don’t write them, yet this blog – though it may serve other purposes, too – was, in fact, started on behalf of my friends and family. Just because it’s unorthodox, how is it not communication? How is this different from a christmas letter copied and sent to family and friends? Is it that technically difficult to bookmark this blog in your browser, and click on it when you think to yourself, I wonder how Jared is doing these days? You’ll get an update, several times a week – even discounting all the BS and cultural detritus I throw here that I know isn’t that personal. Grumble.
So it was a bad day. And I’m tired. And I’m overwhelmed by work, in a very LBridge way, lately. I’ve reached the point where I’m thinking about the end of my contract. That’s a very bad sign, especially with 8 months left. And it’s a bad sign with respect to my long-standing level of trust and relationship with my boss, too. If I leave, it will be nothing short of a betrayal.
Then again, given my family history, I guess betrayal is part of the game of life.
What goes around, comes around.
