Caveat: Continuation

Well, I rather dropped the ball on blogging the rest of my road trip.

Quick summary:  on Saturday, I went into Manhattan.  Walked around a lot, it was beautiful day, not as humid as east coast summer days can be.  I went up to the Guggenheim museum (Central Park East at 89th) where I'd never actually been before – I try to go to a museum I've never been before to every time I visit New York, and suspect I'll never run out, as there are so many, and I don't go there often enough.  Then I took the subway out to Coney Island, but the crowds were intense and overwhelming – there was a Gay Pride event going on.  The people-watching was riveting, however, as it can be during Gay Pride events.

Late Saturday I began my drive back to Minnesota, and by Sunday evening I was at Bob and Sarah's in Whitewater, Wisconsin, after some horrible smoggy traffic on the far southside of Chicago.  I crashed on their couch and then finished my drive on Monday, and was back at home by 3pm.  Bernie was glad to see me.

I've been rejected for the Public School teaching job at Gangwon province in Korea, but I always viewed the public teaching job with its more stringent requirements as a long shot.  I will continue pursuing private teaching positions.

Meanwhile, I've been, as usual, gradually sorting out old things and trying to lower my "stuff" quotient – without touching the book collection of course.  I made the bold move of realizing that I was never likely to own a cassette tape player ever again, and that my 150 or so cassette tapes were essentially obsolete.  I went through and wrote down the name of any recording for which I don't already own a CD or have MP3, and then threw the entire lot away.  Some of those cassettes have been in my possession for almost 30 years (e.g. Simon & Garfunkel or Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, which I remember making from the LP using Arthur's stereo set-up in about 1977).

Fortunately books, with their amazing low-tech user-interface, won't ever be obsolete in quite the way those cassettes were.

More, and more philosophical (?), to come.

Caveat: Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose.

Few pleasures for me exceed that of reading or writing while on a train.  And everyone knows my peculiar and immoderate love of all forms of public transportation.  For this reason, rather than drive into downtown Philadelphia today, I parked at a suburban station northeast of the city and took the train in.  From Bristol, in lower Bucks County to downtown is about 45 minutes.  But the ride closely recapitulates the daily commute I made for a year from Yardley (directly across the Delaware from Trenton) during my second year of grad school.  Those daily meditative rides were the highlight of an otherwise beastly year.

The frequent flashing of Amtrak express trains zooming past on the center rails.  The dilapidated strata of rowhouses like a cretaceous hillside after an earthquake, in tones of sepia and burgundy and dull tin, with organic splashes of graffiti on most smooth surfaces, like crushed dinosaurs.  And rampant green summer vegetation poking and thrusting in every conceivable place, tropically exuberant but temporary, my seasonal knowledge reassures me.

And people and cars, yelling and thumping their urban rhythms respectively, on each corner, lounging and strolling and gazing and chatting.  The city as universe.

I got off at 30th Street station.  I'd deliberately not studied at map of the area – I'd been absent for 10 years – I'd find my way. 

Kinesthetic memory is strange, miraculous thing.  Well, I'm not sure that what happened was, technically speaking, kinesthetic memory, but, it was something programmed at a seemingly subconscious level.  Without thought I wended through the station, down from the commuter platform, through the congested Amtrak lounge, out onto Market Street.  To the left, squatting between the highrises just beyond the unseen Skookle River (OK, that's Schuylkill to you purists, but I so love the way it's pronounced), is the City Hall.  But I turn right, down Market.  On autopilot, I find my way two blocks west to 32nd, cut diagonally across the Drexel University campus, cross Walnut at 34th and angle in front of the prison-esque Van Pelt library of the U of Penn, and then up the tree shrouded Locust walk through the heart of the campus, to emerge at the western end at 40th looking for that coffee shop where I did, probably, 70% of the actual work for my Master's degree.  It's gone.

But this subconscious movement had placed me there unerringly:  40th and Locust – though I hadn't recalled the address or even it's exact relation to campus.  That's what 2 years of pedestrian navigation of a fairly stable space can do for your body's memories, I guess.  But coffee was out of the question – some Mexican upscale restaurant inhabits the corner now.  I was very sad. 

So I kept west on Locust and then zigzagged down to 43rd.  Where I lived, that first year in Philly, before Michelle joined me here.  At first, walking westward from campus, I worried the whole area had gentrified beyond recognition over the last decade, but, abruptly at 42nd, the ghetto kicked in, just as I remembered it.  43rd at Baltimore is still that wonderful edgy space between student slum and REAL slum.  And there, on the northwest corner, the cheesesteak and pizza joint I used to go to.

How could I resist?  I went inside – I don't think the menu has even changed.   I mean, not in content, not even physically – aged red plastic above the counter, yellow letters.  The place doesn't seem to be run by the same family though – I have vague recollections that before it was run by a Caribbean or East Indian family.  Now it appears to be run by a very large and diverse African American family, every single one of whom were squeezed behind the counter.  They couldn't move around back there, so they just passed boxes of pizza over each other's heads and argued among themselves from where each stood.

I ordered a cheesesteak with sweet and hot peppers, just like I used to, and got some iced tea.  I watched some horrible movie on the TV with some men who had quart bottles of Budweiser and looked tired.  The TV was a flat screen, now, I noticed.  I guess some things change.  The trolleys clanged and whirred past on Baltimore Ave. outside the window.

I finished and walked out to the little park on the southwest side of the intersection.  I remembered bring Bernie here, as a kitten, on a leash – she'd actually done pretty well on a leash as a kitten.  But then I made the mistake of taking her while on a leash to see the vet at the U of Penn veterinary clinics – at around Spruce and 40th.  From then on, she behave around the leash about the way one would expect a normal cat to do.  It was at the U of Penn vet that Bernie lost touch with her feminine side.

So I walked back to campus, and found a different coffee shop on the north side, and contemplated my visit with the past.  And, incidentally, wrapped up an essay for the application for the Korean teaching job I'm pursuing, and emailed that off.

Caveat: Memory Function

I got into Philly area last night and stayed at a motel just off the turnpike.  Then this morning, being in the neighborhood more or less, I decided to first drive around the central Montgomery County area where Michelle and I used to live – for the last year I was out here, anyway.

Much to my amazement, I couldn't find my way around!  I have always had such a great geographical memory.  This was very disconcerting.  It took me about 30 minutes of zigzagging and spiraling about Upper Gwynedd / Lansdale to realize we'd lived just off Sumneytown Pike.  I subsequently began to recognize some things – the McDonalds at Valley Forge Rd, the huge Merck campus where Michelle worked, downtown Lansdale. 

But I've been reflecting on the eerie dearth of clear, coherent memories from this period.   I suppose the conventional explanation is that I've "blocked out" this period of my life.  And there's possibly some truth to that.  I have much clearer memories of the year in Philadelphia (95-96, in the apt on 43rd St) I spent alone, while Michelle was finishing her degree in Minnesota.  But what happened, here, in the following two years, with Michelle?  Am I able, or ready, to answer that question?

One thing that I know I've had a very hard time admitting to myself:  when I dropped out of grad school, after that disasterous fall semester in which I barely passed my Master's exams and received much criticism on the quality of my work from my professors – I nursed, from the very start, the idea that my inability to cope with the pressures of school were "because of" my relationship with Michelle.  I felt I'd been forced to make a choice:  Michelle, or grad school, but not both.  In fact, it was Professor Salessi (whom I respected profoundly) who said, "no puedes tener una vida personal y a la vez lograr en un programa como este. [you can't have a personal life and at the same time succeed in a program such as this one.]"

But what happened that I have only just now realized (not quite as an epiphany, but, well, on reflection, I guess) is that that was the seed of the dissolution of our relationship, because from then on I resented the choice – I felt I'd compromised beyond my will to do so.   I'd been un-willed – in a Nietzschean sense.  And however much it was the case that the choice was a true choice or was instead one that I'd manufactured to accommodate my own shortcomings and disappointments, regardless, I lost control of my life at that moment.

OK, that's heavy stuff.  And more:  from that day, I somehow decided that the only way to survive was to be (or to try to become) whatever it was Michelle wanted me to be.  And that was impossible – both for her own inconsistencies and for my own limitations.   In that ill-fated conversation several weeks before her suicide when she'd asked me if there was any way I'd ever consider getting back together again, and I said to her no, I added, "I've recaptured my destiny.  I cannot."

She therefore died in part of a broken heart, and I was the one (or one of the ones) who broke it.  But I know better than to blame myself (or not, exclusively, anyhow) – there were all kinds of scars and damage that "caused" her to depart for somewhere else ("to a world where I belong" – her words, in that same time period).  Nevertheless, these rolling, amazingly verdant hills of suburban Montgomery and Bucks Counties are crawling with ghosts, and I'll not call this part of my trip a pleasure visit, but rather a moment of remembrance.

I'll move on to remembering the happier times of the east coast, and go into the city today, visit the Penn campus, and then go make my pilgrimage to Manhattan.

Caveat: Road Trip

What can I say?  Not currently having a regular job, I have free time.  And what occurs to me, when I have free time?  Travel, of course.

About 11:15 AM yesterday morning I decided it was time to take a road trip.  So I put out lots of food and left the faucet dripping (for water) for Bernie (she does well with this), and by 1 PM I was on the road.  I woke up this morning to the echoes of the interstate somewhere east of Indianapolis – I've decided that since my plan is to leave the country in August, and since I already have a last hurrah planned for late July / early August for the west coast one more time, I needed to pay my respects to the east coast.  So I'm headed for Philadelphia (to revisit old haunts) and New York (inevitable).

I do this sort of thing with bizarre regularity – I drove to Fargo, ND a few weeks back, for no particular reason – but what's new is that I've decided to blog my behavior.  So… more to come.

Caveat: Domesticity

Never sweep a floor laden with dust and cat hair while wearing a clean, black, linen shirt.

In other news, about two weeks ago, when I got back from my visit with Bob, Sarah and Henry in southern Wisconsin, I had with me most of a loaf of very heavy, dark rye bread that we'd bought at the co-op in Milwaukee.  This is the classic bread known among many as Bob bread – as it's his characteristic dietary staple.  I like it too.  I was trying to think of a way to use it, and thought to myself:  pea soup.  I haven't really done much cooking in the last decade or so – living alone is like that.  But I had this bag of dried split peas, and some nice fresh apricots, and I got creative in the kitchen – generally, this is something that goes well for me. 

I ran to the store and bought some leeks and carrots, and put together a pea-apricot soup (more like stew) with leeks and carrots.   Added some cayenne, tumeric, cumin … you know.  So I cooked up a giant batch, and ate some with the dark bread, and put the rest in little containers in the freezer.  I went back and had some more the other day, and man, that stuff is awesome.  And I'm so dumbfounded that I followed no recipie, just kind of a weird instinct, and that it came out so good – better than the (admittedly quite good) gourmet stuff to be had from the Lunds grocery across the street.

Well, so anyway – such episodes of domesticity are awfully rare.

Caveat: Ranting on behalf of a cat

I’m thinking that posting a myspace profile for Bernie, as part of an effort to get her adopted, has been a mistake.  Part of her having a myspace profile means giving her a blog of her own, and I had decided to include appropriate cat-behaviors such as eating, playing and sleeping in this blog.

However, I just posted a “rant” there, in response to the frankly bizarre reception my cat’s myspace profile has gotten from the myspace “community” – whatever that may be.  I’ll not repeat that rant here – you can look at Bernie’s blog at https://www.myspace.com/berniethecat

Mientras tanto, la vida sigue sin novedades.


CaveatDumpTruck Logo

Caveat: cat seeks home

Once again, it's been a long time.

On my run/walk around Lake Calhoun this morning, it was very windy, and there were swells of several feet on the tiny (1 mi. long) lake.  The sky was a wonderful cobalt overcast, but there was this hole that caused the morning sun to shine down like a searchlight from a police helicopter onto the lake.  The highlights on the frothy grey-turquoise water moved rapidly across the lake, quickly scanned the sailboats at the northeast end, and disappeared among the condos and trees of Uptown along Lake Street.

I've decided I'm leaving the country in August, to work or travel or whatever I can put together.  This year in Minneapolis has been good for me in some ways, but in others it has only underscored my yearning to travel again – not just tourist travel but *real* travel – i.e. "go to a country and live there for a year or two" travel.  I've applied for a job in Korea that would start in late August, and it seems fairly certain, but I've decided that even if that doesn't pan out, I'll be going *somewhere* by late August – I've given notice to my landlord, and rented a larger storage unit for all my books!

There is only one dilemma around bringing this plan to fruition – I need to find a home for my cat, Bernie.  I've created a myspace profile for her, with a little autobiographical info:  https://myspace.com/berniethecat.

Maybe I'll get around to posting more regularly, now that I've quit my position with HealthSmart of Long Beach (effective back in late March).  Not a good record, so far, but we'll see.

Caveat: The Weather

The season changed abruptly, and too soon. There was a week of snowstorms, and great piles of snow were everywhere. But it was clearly springtime snow:  the way the ground was a bit warm underneath, and melted the lowest layer, which refroze to a crust of ice that the snow could sit on, creating these little continental shelves on the edges of the snowbanks that lined the sidewalks. And then it got warm: a week of above-freezing temperatures, windy, chill, but spring-flavored. And now this:  it would be cold if it were August, but it's late March, and it feels humid and hot and the snow is completely gone after the rain last night. There are buds on the trees and the squirrels scramble on the branches with a sort of distracted optimism, like brand-new meth-addicts, no patina yet on the edges of consciousness.

Caveat: 2006

I took a second trip to Australia. At HealthSmart, I put in several months of ungodly 80-100 hour work weeks. I went insane. So I resigned my job, and tried to succeed as an independent database consultant. My heart wasn’t in it, though.  That fall, I had moved back to Minneapolis, where I found a wonderful apartment near Lake Calhoun in Uptown, and I adopted a new, healthier lifestyle that included losing nearly 40 pounds.
[This entry is part of a timeline I am making using this blog. I am writing a single entry for each year of my life, which when viewed together in order will provide a sort of timeline. This entry wasn’t written in 2006 – it was written in the future.]
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Caveat: Faith-based Atheist

I’m a “faith-based atheist.”

What in the world is that?

It means that, unlike an agnostic, I’m certain about god: specifically, that there isn’t one. But such certainty isn’t something that submits to any kind of objective proof: just as the religious person must accept the existence of his or her god(s) as a matter of faith, so must the true atheist rely on belief over material evidence – after all, how do you prove god doesn’t exist? Anything short of this standard-of-proof makes one an agnostic, not an atheist.

What’s still more difficult, is to strive for an ethical existence when the most commonly invoked “cause” (or source) of human ethics (namely, the alleged “higher powers”) have been unequivocally rejected. It seems to me that the only ethical atheist is one who accepts that his or her belief is indeed just that – a belief, not a demonstrated “fact.” Atheists who assert some kind of exceptionalism for their own beliefs vis-a-vis the beliefs of non-atheists strike me as hypocritical. I’m profoundly uncomfortable with many atheists – of the secular-humanist stripe – who attempt to position themselves as rationalists – I think it’s not only philosophically perilous but ultimately unethical due to this inherent hypocrisy.

Despite this, I’m also displeased with the tendency of humanists (again, i.e. “secular humanists”) to categorically place human beings in the center of things. Such pre- (or even anti-) Copernican posturing is just as irrational as the traditional, god-centered systems they presume to criticize – in my judgement, anyway.
With the categorical rejection of the transcendental and god-centric, I believe that there must come a similarly vehement rejection of the anthropocentric. So… but what’s left, then?

Let me get back to you on that one. Does this make me sound like a nihilist? This is a possibility. I’m most comfortable with a sort of aesthetic take on the whole matter, a la Robinson Jeffers Inhumanism. But that doesn’t really resolve the epistemological issues – which are what seem to most interest me.

Another issue is how I can reconcile my committed atheism with my frequent self-description as a “Buddhist.” However, one has to understand that Buddhism, in most conceptions, is doctrinally agnostic with respect to the theist question. To attempt to paraphrase Gautama Siddhartha, as I have understood it: when asked about the existence of deities or God, he reportedly answered that, like everything else, it was both true and not true. Thus there is room within Buddhism for both atheists and theists, as well as whatever falls in between.

[Updated 2015-10-08]
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Caveat: nonsense

I spent part of the day, yesterday, reading blogs. I really don't do that, very often. I had discovered (or, more likely, re-discovered) a review of the "Sokal affair" in which a physics professor at NYU had "hoaxed" the pomo (postmodernist) publication "Social Text" by sending in an article full of jargony BS and the editors let it through.   It was quite a scandal, as it allegedly proved just how vacuous pomo discourse really is – it was an "emperor has no clothes" moment. 

I also discovered an interesting little website that randomly generates a pomo article each time you refresh the page.   A lovely tool, but my first thought was – I bet some of the things that get said are really profound.  It's kind of like an instantiation of Borges' infinite library, for a particular type of discourse.  Another tool that has similar functionality is the Kant generator.  Again, my reaction, more than – wow, random BS! – is, instead – I wonder if this can generate real meaning?  Finally, there is a random generator of CSCI research papers made by some people at MIT.  Infinite monkeys, infinite typewriters, all that. 

Regardless, a review of the Sokal affair caused me to question the pomo allegiances I tend to take for granted in myself.   My affairs with Jameson, Deleuze, et al.   Are they really that impenetrable?  Or, contrariwise, am I really so deleuzional as to believe I "get" what they're trying to say?   

Currently I'm struggling through a kind of phase where I question just about everything – about what I believe, about what I want to do, about what I like  to do.  Ad infinitum.  So why no question what philosophical / lit. crit. authors I take seriously, too?

I have no answers, here.  Nor even any profound, clearly-expressed doubts.  But  I think back to Jean-Jacques LeCercle's Philosophy of Nonsense:  just because it's nonsense, doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything.  There's value and, ironically, meaning to be found in nonsense.  It's a worthwhile pursuit in and of itself.  So if the pomos are writing nonsense, maybe they've got a reason for it.   

 

Caveat: jobs & lit crit

So the interview probably didn't go as well, in retrospect, as I might have hoped.  I was unfocused – having the epiphany in the middle that I didn't really WANT the job didn't help, I'm sure.   Meant I was going through the motions, and that can't be good for quality-of-presentation. 

Meanwhile, my current job goes on, despite a deficit of motivation on my part. More limbo, then. More nothing.

Was reading Harper's recently, an article about language and poetry, about Eluard and the way that poetry is about that which cannot be mapped.  Interesting idea – striking because it may have resonances with respect to my thesis on Cervantes' Persiles and the Quijote and the way that they function as "maps" of the Spanish Golden Age social space (and of each other). 

Obviously, Quijote or Persiles are, specifically, NOT poetry, but rather novels.  Prose.  The beginning of the "opposite" (this hyperbole is not meant literally, just literarily) of poetry.  But then… the idea works only if an effort to extend the metaphor to a "poetic" text (e.g. El Cid) failed.  I'm not sure it would.  Then again, there's the unstated fact that the Harper's article was most definitely talking about MODERN poetry.  Perhaps that's different?

Caveat: angst

Everyone who knows me, knows that I struggle with focus. Not the narrow, task-centered, short-term focus associated with getting a piece of query code to work, or explicating a compelling bit of philosophy or literary criticism, or even with driving.  I'm pretty good at that, and on rare occasions even experience that thing I've heard called "flow" wherein I get pretty much inside the current moment, zenishly. 

 

No, the type of focus I struggle with is of that more existential, life-encompassing sort, that leads to a certain large-scale aimlessness.  Many people reference it with the phrase "I haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet, when I grow up."  Which becomes more ironic yet utterly serious with the increasing age of the person making the utterance.  Frankly, although I have always harbored a senseless dislike for the phrase itself, it really subsumes this focus problem of mine quite succinctly.  So there, I've uttered it – with a modicum of redirection, of course.

 

"I'm only on my fourth career, and I don't expect it to be my last."  This is a phrase I have taken to using quite a bit, lately, although it's probably just as sophomoric, ultimately, as the one just discussed above.  Let me try to make this more concrete:  I can envision myself doing so many things that I rarely envision the same future for myself from one hour to the next, much less from one day or week or month or year to the next. 

 

One minute, I'm dropping everything, moving to Lisbon and working on "my book."  (Not sure what book that would be – obviously figuring that out would be a good, though not indispensable, first step). 

 

Next minute, I'm going to business school full time, possibly in Europe, and then moving on to become some kind of high-powered IT manager.

 

An hour later, I'm traveling to Korea and finding a position as an English teacher.

 

Another time, I go to Tunisia, with a sincere commitment to become fluent in that beautiful language, Arabic.

 

I occasionally imagine sticking with my current job, gaining new skills in the area of programming, development, and database architecture.

 

These and many many others are all equally possible, even almost equally plausible.

 

Recently, I had another job interview.  This time, with a fairly high-powered "guru" of the software development world, for a position I really had almost zero qualifications for but some definite degree of interest.  Naturally, the context of a job interview forces one to spend a good deal of energy on working out plausible futures, which can be shared and conveyed to the person doing the interviewing.

 

And somehow in that self-selling moment, all the different possible futures – one specific instance of which is suddenly under a bruising, close, interactive scrutiny – become shockingly, painfully, embarrassingly and equally implausible, and I become stranded on my isle of bitter insecurity and pointless daydreaming.  It all seems drowningly futile, like one of those dreams you cannot wake up from.

 

For the briefest of moments, I experience one of those intractable gasps of aching nostalgia for that least aimless yet really most intentionally purposeless period of my entire life:  I yearn for the psychiatric ward. 

 

Because it was so explicitly, irredeemably FUTURELESS.  Which made it super-easy, from an existential standpoint.

 

Because the future is scary.

 

So I guess this is one of those flexion-points, where I might decide to step away from my current future, and toward another.  But a friend (a colleague) made an observation to me the evening before the interview – really, also, an observation OF me.  He pointed out (and somehow had figured this out despite missing major portions of my biography) that I was a serial quitter. 

 

And maybe I should get over that?

 

The hardest future to adopt, in other words, is the one currently coming at you.  Alternate futures are easier, perhaps.  Am I destined to always be a refugee in my own alternate futures, in exile from my own alternate pasts?

 

 

Caveat: meanwhile, a year later

So, like, I should start posting here again. 

Work's been rather unpleasantish.  Lots of stress, not much sense of reward, accomplishment, closure.   So I go into this withdrawel-from-life mode, and curse my fate.  Or something in that vein, anyway.

Tomorrow I'm going to Australia to visit my mother.  Not to where she lives in the northeastern extremities, this time, but rather meeting in Melbourne, thence to galivant around Victoria state, I guess, seeing new things.  She's got a friend in Apollo Bay (SW of Melbourne) which will be a starting point, I'm thinking.

I had put my resume out there, updated, online, a couple weeks back.  So I've been getting a lot of calls from recruiters.  Most intriguing was a nibble from a guy who wanted to forward my resume to Microsoft Corp.  Not likely to pan out, but one always wonders, "what might working for the locus of evil in software be like, exactly?"  I hear they have wicked good benefits.  Probably like what they say about hell – it's much better once you're on the inside. 

Caveat: 2005

I spent six weeks in Europe, two of them with my bestfriend Bob, who was there for an audition in Utrecht. I confirmed my interst in Poland, and my fascination for Italy. I fell in love with Lisbon, but was surprised by my abject disinterest in Spain the country, despite my love of Spanish literature. I then came back to LA and started a new job with HealthSmart Pacific as a Database Administrator and Applications Designer. I moved to Long Beach, but I ended up mostly commuting to Orange County. I hated commuting, as I have always hated commuting, even though driving for 45 minutes along the Pacific Coast Highway each way is oddly resonant.
[This entry is part of a timeline I am making using this blog. I am writing a single entry for each year of my life, which when viewed together in order will provide a sort of timeline. This entry wasn’t written in 2005 – it was written in the future.]
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Caveat: And on…

I know, it's been a really long time.  Not that anyone was reading this, right?

Toward the end of May I flew to Minnesota for just two days, to see Jeffrey (my former stepson from when I was married to Michelle) graduate high school.  High School.  Made me feel kinda old, you know?  Minnesota was beautiful, though.

The new job:  it's going OK.   On the one hand, lots of challenges, and so far I feel like I'm up to them, technically, for the most part.  Learning a lot.  The CIO, every time I talk to him, makes me feel small and ignorant, however.  Mostly my insecurities, and, actually, it's preferrable to have a CIO who knows too much to one who knows too little, don't you think?

I have this little, profoundly boring studio apartment in Long Beach, now, and I'm moving in slow motion from the little house on the hill in Highland Park down into this new place.  Walking distance from the Long Beach offices where I work – but the current project I'm on – a data migration – has me down at business offices in Newport Beach several times a week, so the commute is still happening, at least part time.  I've taken to driving back and forth to Newport on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) rather than the 405 freeway, however… takes a little longer in the event there's no major congestion on the 405, but who can predict when that would be?  One out of 10 of the times I've tried it, regardless of time-of-day.  So I'd rather have "slightly slower but predictable."  Plus it's rather scenic, down along the coast Long Beach – Seal Beach – Sunset Beach – Huntington Beach – Newport Beach.  The oil platforms and tankers and container ships and navy ships sitting offshore, the surfers paddling about, the vaguely brown pacific. 

I'm in a weird phase lately, thinking what I think they call "nesting" thoughts – daydreaming about a nice house and looking covetously at furniture.  Haven't been in that frame of mind in a long time … like, since I was with Michelle.  The job isn't dissatisfying, but my life, overall, is.  Like… I never did decide what I really wanted to do, so I just jumped into doing something, anything to pass the time, right?  Whatever. 

Caveat: 10000 questions and a really long commute

The new job has begun.  I'm full of questions all day long, learning a new industry, new data, new applications. 

What's HL7?  It's a data interchange standard (ANSI style) for healthcare industry.

What's AdavantX?  It's a software package for managing hospitals and ASC's (ambulatory surgery centers). 

What's ADT?  Admission, Discharge, Transfer – moving bodies around the system.

I had to go by the HR department upon leaving work today to pick up my new badge.  The HR department is located in a different part of Long Beach (north of downtown instead of northeast, out by the airport, where my new job is).  So I drove over there, then as I was leaving driving up Long Beach Blvd to the 405 and there was this spectacular, postcard-framed view of downtown LA.  Which is what, 20 miles north of here.  Really remarkable, unsmoggy view.  Cool.

Meanwhile, I'm diligently going to the gym each evening.  I'm procrastinating on that even this very moment.  So far, not much to show for it – my weight won't go down, and my legs and back are sore.  This is supposed to be good for me… really.   Somehow, this is involved in "quality of life."

I'm reading (well, trying to read) Adorno's Negative Dialectics – despite the "negative" of the title it's probably one of the most constructive post-WWII efforts at making philosophy useful and interesting.   Up there with Deleuze, Foucault, et al.  But I need Hegel to make sense of this… I'm not conceptually equipped for it.   Whatever.

Caveat: Next?

Two things:

1)  I finally have a "real" website:  https://www.raggedsign.net.  At least, an embryo of one.   It's not very interesting yet.

2) I have a new job, starting next week:  I will be a Data Analyst / DBA (database administrator) with a medical management company in Long Beach.  I'll probably be moving sometime soon – the commute's a bit far from where I live in Highland Park.

The rain yesterday was really beautiful.  I've been reading a book called Darwin's Black Box by a biochemist named Behe.  It's really an anti-Darwinian tract, but well-argued and very sophisticated arguments, made from the standpoint of the "irreducible complexity" of many biological (esp. biochemical)  systems.  Why do I read this?  "Know thy enemy…"

Caveat: Long Beach, but no beach

Long Beach, California, doesn't have a beach – that I know of, anyway.  Good name, then.   

The second-largest city in LA County, I believe.  Which is really saying quite a bit, since LA County must have at least 20 cities over 100,000.  And it's bigger than Minneapolis, anyway.  Whatever – I've always liked it there, sorta – it smells of the sea, unlike most of LA, and it is gritty, without being desolately poor. 

Why in the world did I go to LB?  I had a job interview, which went really well.  Intriguing position, as a DBA and Data Analyst (at the same time, overlapping – no room for boredom, there) at a small healthcare company (runs a few hospitals, pharmacies, clinics, etc.).  Fascinating data problems – like at Paradise Corporation, my alma mater, but with a more clued in management, one hopes. 

Check this out:  the CIO of this company spends 30 minutes interviewing me, and asks these really detailed, complex SQL coding and system admin questions.  This is a CIO who is profoundly nonclueless.  He knows stuff.  Amazing… and compelling.  If they make an offer, I will accept.

Clear and almost smogless today:  southern California at it's best.  I think… hmm, is this place finally growing on me, a little bit?  I've always had a love-hate relationship with this place, intriguing giant city, yes, but a grotesque climate for the most part.  Hot.  Boring.  Hot.  Boring. 

But then it offers up a lovely cloudscape, or a sweeping urbanized swathe of green/brown/grey with a brisk taste of sea air that charms me, on a not-unbearably-hot day. 

Caveat: Honeysuckle and asphalt

So it's been a while – I confess, I've been in a bit of a funk.  Not inactive, exactly – but not active in the areas where I feel I should be active, maybe.  I've been doing job interviews, but my heart is only in half in it, as I mostly yearn for a job for the structure and the discipline, not for the need for employment per se.  I've been reading a huge amount – Deleuze on Spinoza, Innerarity's Dialéctica de la modernidad, where he points out that the cynic is just a cartesian or kantian idealist, but defeated.  Accurate, I think.

It rained last night – despite my confidence that the rainy season in LA was over.  Not sure what's up with that – more and more, southern California seems to be getting these spring / summer monsoon-type weather patterns, like this morning's cloudbursts, which left the air clean and preternaturally clear, with well-shaped clouds of white and cobalt shredding themselves against the rumpled olivegreen mountains.  Driving up the 134 toward Pasadena with my window rolled down, the smell of asphalt mingled with honeysuckle and the ozoney reek of recent summer rain reminded me of Mexico City, which reminded me of southern California.

Caveat: Our bodies become silhouettes when we go

The title:  a snippet from a song by the group Postal Service, heard on the radio.  I like it, but it's a bit sappy – eerie, too.  A sort of pop take on an old Kraftwerk-sounding, electronica vibe, maybe.

Several people want me to keep blogging, despite the end of my trip.  Good idea, but what do I blog about?  The banality of it all is overwhelming, and I can't choose whether to write about my job search, about the latest article I read in the Economist or Harvard Business Review (intriguing to me, but who wants a second-hand summary?), about the fact that I have joined the gym and can't stand it, but feel I must do something to improve my health, or about the hyperregurgitational activities of my cat.

All seems equally dull.

On Thursday I was driving east on the 105, after an interview with a recruiter in Manhattan Beach, and the mountains, while not perfectly clear, were quite visible – spectacular setting, when you think about it – Mt Baldy and the San Gabriels lurking on the northern horizon, while the infinite city stretch hazy-green-brown-grey in front of them.

I'm taking a class in graphic design (computer-assisted, as it always is these days) through UCLA extension.  Something to keep me motivated and creative – I just can't seem to discipline myself to pursue projects independent of outside structure.  Which doesn't bode well for my entrepreneurial ambitions.  Correction, then:  entrepreneurial fantasies.

Maybe I can take a poll of my dedicated readers (all three of you?).  What do I do next with my life?

Caveat: Back in the land of la

Dateline:  Los Angeles

Back home.  Took a while to "recover" – the proverbial "vacation after the vacation" situation.  I'm better now … partly, I think I'd been holding back that persistent Polish virus by sheer willpower.  Once home, I succumbed, and have spent the last several days resting. 

I still want to finish writing up the Moroccan experience… that will come.  I may post other things from my handwritten journal over time, too. 

Meanwhile, I'm not sure how I feel about being back.  Really much less certain as to what's next in my life than I was before I left… the perspective of travel, rather than helping, seems to have caused the possible options to proliferate to the point that I'm a bit overwhelmed.  So I'll get back to this over time.

Caveat: The rest of the story

I had bought a "package" tour, for the simple reason that it seemed like a much better value, given the limited scope of my intended visit. 

Included in the package was:  round trip by ferry from Algeciras to Ceuta; bus (or, as it turned out, minivan) passage from Ceuta to Tetouan to Tanger to Ceuta (a little triangle on the map, about 50 km to a side); three meals – lunch, dinner, breakfast; hotel in Tanger.

Morocco, day 1. 

I showed up at the offices of Eurotras (eurotrash?), the tour company, at the ferry terminal in Algeciras, at around 8 am.  They gave us (those of us on the tour) tickets for Ceuta (not the return tickets, which we were to receive in Ceuta on return), and an envelope that contained the documentation for the remainder of the trip, to present to the guide at Ceuta.

My companions were a young portuguese couple, she spoke spanish fairly well, but her husband was brazilian (from Minas Gerais) and was adamantly monolingual.  I can understand portuguese fairly well if I work at it, but Rodrigo was pretty darn opaque.  Victoria, however, was interesting to talk to.  She works in a temporary agency (one of those people who interview the temps and place them in jobs) in Lisboa.  She had a lot of penetrating observations on the neo-liberal economic model and the precariousness of the world's job markets.

When we arrived at Ceuta, we were met by two guides – a gentleman named Mohamed and another whose name I never quite figured out.  Mohamed spoke excellent spanish and atrocious english, but insisted on trying to say everything in both languages, which was occasionally quite painful to listen to. 

We were also joined at this point by a retired british couple, who were staying with relatives in Gibraltar and had decided to make a day trip to Morocco.  The Portuguese couple were also on a day trip… I was the only one who was planning to stay overnight.

We got into a minivan that had phenomenally uncomfortable seats.  Perhaps I'm overly used to the reasonably comfortable seats on trains, these days.

At the border with Morocco, there was a substantial delay.  Based on reading I'd done online the night before, this is standard – it's got to do with the fact that Ceuta is to Morocco what Gibraltar is to Spain – an "illegitimately occupied enclave."  The British man (Doug?  A retired lawyer) observed the interesting parallel, and I said it seemed like a classic "pecking order" – britain takes gibraltar from the spanish, so spain takes ceuta from the moroccans, so the moroccans take all of former spanish sahara from the sahareños, who live in refugee camps in the desert and have the highest infant mortality rate in the world.  All's fair in love, war, and geopolitics.

So from the Moroccan perspective, we were entering their country from an administrative limbo.  Fortunately, our guides mediated this complex process – one commentary online I read said that this was just one of many places where having a guide is not just a good idea, but really the only option. 

Really, in this very different world, every transaction must be mediated.  So, we drove down the mediterranean coast, for about an hour, as low, cobalt clouds scudded over the rubble-strewn countryside.  Reminded me of the landscape in the northern part of Baja California, where, in the winter, the hills are equally green and the towns are equally squalid.  It was chilly, and a hard wind blew from the north, making the whitecaps on the mediterranean tilt sideways.

We arrived in Tetouan and got off the van, and plunged into the ancient (14th-16th century) medina.  Tetouan was founded in the 14th century, but received it's primary population in the thousands of mozarabs (muslim spaniards) and jews who were expelled from spain by the catholic hierarchy at the end of the 15th c. 

There was a steady drizzle, which mixed with the rotting vegetables, spit, concrete "crumbs," and dogshit to make a light coating of sludge in the narrow passageways of the medina.  Everywhere behind our little tour-group, children and gap-toothed men would follow, demanding "solo un e-uro please merci" in exchange for some trinket or another.  And men selling belts, oranges, gum.  And women on their knees in heavy kaftans and berber hats. 

The guides showed us the jewish quarter, and the discourse was a weird case of cognitive dissonance.  On the one hand, he expressed pride that Morocco treated jews as equal citizens, had "opened its arms" to the jews expelled from spain in the 15th c., and later to those escaping from Nazism.  He emphasized the current, relatively peaceful, coexistence of muslims, catholics, and jews in the kingdom. 

On the other hand, Mohamed also was keen to observe that, "como los judios tenien todo el dinero" (since the jews have all the money), they've moved from the medina to nicer neighborhoods.  I suppose that, in stereotype terms, many Jews are probably well-off – all stereotypes come from somewhere.  But the bitterness with which the words were pronounced was profoundly anti-Jewish.

One has to be careful with the word anti-semite – this word is never quite accurate as currently used (ie. to refer to anti-Jewish sentiment), but is especially inaccurate when applied to arabs, who also represent a great semitic language and civilization.  One could say that current european anti-semitism is finally coming "home" to its etymological roots, since modern europeans seem to hate equally both arabs and jews.  But an arab anti-semite is etymologically nonsensical.  More on racism, later.

Then came the first of the "hard" sells.  We were taken to a carpet shop.  Apparently, foreign visitors to morocco are expected to buy rugs.  Despite repeated reassurances that "no tienes que comprar nada" – you don't have to buy anything – the pressure was intense, and the prices – as I persisted with "no gracias" "non merci" "laa shukran" – shrunk tenfold.  A carpet quoted at 770 euros dropped to 80 euros an hour later.  I suppose there are visitors who buy sooner than later, and pay the first price? 

What would that same rug be priced at, at wal-mart?  39.99?  What's the person's labor worth – probably a berber woman – who made the rug?  At Wal-Mart's price, it's pennies an hour… less.  At the tourist special (770 euros), she may actually be close to american minimum wage.  But what american or european would be happy paying that price?  She wouldn't see that money anyway … she's already been paid, perhaps 20 or 30 dollars, for her work.  The rest goes to the middlemen – whether a merchant in the medina in tetouan or to the corporate coffers at wal-mart.

The mint tea they served at the carpet shop was quite tasty.  I think that the merchants were especially annoyed with me, as opposed to the brits or the portuguese, because the mistook my willingness to chat for an interest in their product.  It was really a linguistic accident – I was the only one sufficiently fluent in a language they were comfortable with to be able to chat (Spanish – many Moroccans are quite fluent in Spanish, especially in the north, which was – until after WWII – a Spanish colony).

I found that, on the street, a refusal to say anything but "laa, shukran" was the best strategy to discourage sellers of things – my theory is that I thus could convert myself into a linguistic enigma – it was clear I knew no Arabic except for those words, but my refusal to lapse into anything else (English, French, Spanish) prevented them from getting their grip on any kind of "discursive handle."  Left without a linguistic point of contact, they could only stare at me and gesture to their product. 

Crap, do I sound condescending?  I don't mean to be.  Maybe I should try to comment on that, further on, but, let me try to explain something.  Tourism is an act of violence.  It's violent in the same sense that pouring a volatile chemical (say, an acid or a base) into a thriving colony of insects living in a terrarium is an act of violence.  The chemical consists of molecules that either have a surplus or a shortage of electrons, and these "radicals" naturally destabilize those around them, molecules otherwise perfectly content to get on with their "lives" as parts of bugs or plants. 

Ripping away those electrons destabilizes the equilibrium, and next thing you know, all biosystems and ecosystems are damaged or completely broken.  Likewise, the tourist arrives with a surplus of money and is alien to the local chemical balance, and a storm ensues as the elements in the system seek a new equilibruim. 

I like the metaphor, though I expect it needs to be developed.  Meanwhile, let's ponder the accident that in casual american english, at least, terrorism and tourism are near-homonyms – I think my mother pointed this out to me in an email recently.  Let's play with that.

My thinking is that the best way to avoid being guilty of this kind of violence is to "go native."  You work to remove the flags that tell those around you that you're a "radical" and mark you as a source of surplus.  This is possible for me, as an american, in europe, and, to a more limited extent, also in latin america.  But there are issues of race and comportment that make such chameleonism impossible outside of the "occidental" world. 

This is what I wanted to comment on earlier, vis-a-vis race:  racism is just that process whereby distinguishing features beyond the control of the individual possessing them become cultural "flags" indicative of traits feared or devalued by others. 

The human brain is a sophisticated but non-standard statistical engine of a sort… it makes observations of saliency and calculations of probability and draws correlations of its own accord, and in ways not necessarily "rational."  If a man in a purple hat comes into a room and starts shooting people, and then the next day a man with a purple hat comes into the same room with some of the same people, you can bet those people are going to get nervous.  Why?  Because they made a correlation on a salient trait.  It's not statistically valid by standard statistics, but the process is driven by saliency, not just probability. 

One definition of data analysis (my current "profession"?) is the search for true saliency amid the sea of false salients – ie. statistically legitimate correlations.  But when people criticize racial profiling on the grounds of "accuracy" or "fairness," they're missing the statistical boat.  The only grounds for criticizing racial profiling are moral-ethical – by which I mean you simply have to take, a priori, that such profiling is wrong because it "dehumanizes" (also a problematic term, e?). 

So then we had some lunch.  A delicious curry-like soup, couscous, with chicken, carrots, leeks or cabbage(?), beef on skewers, some sweet bread for desert.   The restaurant itself was beautiful, with tiled arabesques, arches, rugs on the floor.

Caveat: La capitale d’un projet pour définir

Dateline: Luxembourg

I went to Brussel with the intention of wandering around, and exploring the commuter trains to make maximal use of my waning eurail pass.  Impressions:  Bruxelles is mostly "extract of Paris" with about 10% "extract of amsterdam" (the quaint part, not the seedy part – historically Catholic Belgium seems less interested in seedy parts than historically Protestant Nederland), with the standard overlay of euromodernity.   Perhaps a subset of Paris – altho in geopolitical terms, more like a superset, these days. Uh; right.

I can't remember the eighties group that did the disco-euro-club standard "what is love… baby don't hurt me" – but anyone who watched "Saturday Night Live" during the 90s knows it's Europe's national (err, super-national) anthem:  who can forget those two cherman guys, Dieter and ? (I forgot his name), making banal pseudo-cult-crit comments, saying ja ja ja and tilting their heads robotically in time to that disco rhythm?  Why do I bring this up?  Because that song was playing loudly over the PA systems in two different train stations I was in today – it really must be the EU anthem.

I walked around for a while, admired some of the not-too-bad postwar architecture; then on a whim took the train to luxembourg.  Not terribly intriguing… if nederland is europe's new jersey, and france is europe's texas, then luxembourg is europe's delaware.  Easier to travel thru than to. 

What compelled me to visit luxembourg?  The first research paper I ever wrote, for a 7th grade geography class, was on luxembourg.  I think I picked it off the map thinking such a small country would mean I could write a nice, short paper.  But, so… it's always represented disappointing complexity and geopolitical absurdity.

And the city reminds me of… somewhere in kentucky, maybe.  But linguistically schizoid.  Nice place.  Tomorrow I return to amsterdam, and fly to LA thursday.  What's next in life – any ideas?

Caveat: 204

Dateline: Leuven

It was still dark and drizzling when I left my hotel in Lisbon this morning.  I took a taxi to the airport and flew to Belgium… given I only have 3 days left on this huge trip, I didn’t want to try racing across spain and france on the train, and the “teleport” only cost 130 € on Virgin-Express.

I decided to come to Leuven because one of the European business schools that’s most attractive to me is located here (Vlerick).  Although my enthusiasm for b-school is currently at a low-ebb – feeling like my heart may not be in it?   I don’t actually have an interview set up – my online applications processes were stalled by lack of momentum and some important information that I stupidly didn’t bring along – but I figured I could take a look around.

Leuven is nice to see in that it’s not a tourist town… it’s just a medium sized university city in Flemish Belgium.  If I did come here, I’d be compelled to learn flemish (dutch) as I couldn’t stand the idea of living somewhere and not knowing the local language.  The Belgian dialect is more “german-sounding” than what I heard in the Netherlands, tho I think the written forms are the same.

My room number in this hotel is 204.  That was also my room number in Lisbon and also in Tanger, tho not in Seville or Algeciras.  Weird coincidence, or secret message from the gods?

It’s clear and definitely spring-like here.  A huge plaza filled with outdoor tables, students chatting and drinking beer, and a near-infite swarm of parked bicycles.  The stadhuis is a neo-gothic, ultra-ornate box with weird turrets and towers that remind me of Gaudí.  Date on the building is 1904.

Still haven’t found a wireless link-up for my laptop, but when I get one, I’ll post a series of retroactive in-depth observations on Morocco.
picture

Caveat: Edge of the world

Dateline: Lisboa

Lisbon is a beautiful city. 

I arrived "trasnochado" on the bus yesterday morning – I don't think I slept but one or two hours. At one point, about 3 in the morning, the bus stopped at a rest area and the driver made everyone get off and locked the bus for 45 minutes.  I've travelled by bus in 10 or 15 countries, and have never seen something quite like that… seems unusual cruelty.  Ah well…

Yesterday morning, after finding a hotel (no mean feat, given the "semana santa" situation mentioned before), I left my luggage and went exploring, riding the subway, walking around Rossio and Baixa neighborhoods. 

Portuguese is, in my opinion, one of the most beautiful languages – despite my struggles to make sense of it.   That's strictly impressionistic, of course – what makes one language seem more beautiful than another to someone?  Certainly, there are no objective criteria.  But I like the rich, almost slavic-sounding phonology, combined with the syntactic "grace" of the romance languages, the way it takes Iberian trends, such as post-fixation of pronouns to verbs, only partially expressed in e.g. Spanish, and generalizes them. 

Um.  I went to the Museu Gulbenkian – modern art.  I love modern art… once again I found myself daydreaming about taking up painting.  Certainly that would give me the creative outlet that I keep craving… and my doubts about my level of talent are ultimately moot – if one wants to pursue art, it should be driven from within, not based on outside reinforcements.  Right?

I was just thinking, in Sevilla, that I had finally thoroughly shaken the flu I acquired in Poland, but this morning I woke up congested and feeling feverish.  Probably the consequence of the lack of sleep night before last, who knows.  But being sick is frustrating.

Caveat: Aimless pilgrimage

Dateline:  Sevilla

Can you believe… I think I´m a little bit tired of travelling.  I found myself yearning for my own bed and my "own" haunt at the burbank starbucks last night, for the first time on this trip, a touch of homesickness, perhaps?

I think the moroccan experience (which will receive full coverage via blog when I can find a wireless connection for my laptop, as I have been writing it up there) was a bit draining. 

Anyway… vis-a-vis "organicism" I might suggest the following: 
1) a life guided above all by an "aesthetic" philosophy (as opposed to, say, a fundamentally ethical, eschatological, or etc., philosophy)
2) per Verbosobob´s comment regarding his liking best the inexplicable divergences from the "organic" in the "organicist" music of composers such as Bach, this aesthetic elevates the digressive over the linear – a la cerventes – an episodic, aimless pilgrimage true to one´s own soul.

Hmm… just thoughthacking, at the moment.  I saw some fabulous work by illustrator Gustave Doré this morning in the Bellas Artes museum in Seville.  Ghostly images of romantic landscapes, beggars in London, originals for engravings for illustrations of Fontaine, Rabelais, Cervantes. 

I´m taking the bus to Lisbon tonight – the trains are full and I couldn´t get a reservation, because next week is semana santa (holy week, when all of Iberia goes on vacation).   Means I won´t really get full use of my Eurailpass, as I´ll have some days leftover… uh, whatever.

Caveat: Organicism (email to Bob)

Bob;

I liked the doonesbury bit… I was, in fact, sometimes called the "professor" when I was in the army.

I'm having difficulty making sense of your reference to organicism – I associate it with cultural or philosophical discourse reference to how society organizes itself and how we perceive it – ie as a collective organism or otherwise.  I believe this connects with some writing by Adorno… or, farther back, Ortega y Gasset.  I imagine it's got a distinct, separate meaning in the context of music history?

whatever.  I'm killing time in an internet cafe in tanger, not comfortable wandering off and, typically, getting "a little bit lost", since I dont want to miss my bus back to ceuta to catch my boat back to algeciras.  Eerie third call-to-prayer echoes outside, I tie my fingers in knots on this just-not-quite-right keyboard, cigarette smoke, mint tea…

Talk to you later.

Caveat: Life is a dream

Dateline: Cordoba

Short entry…

The previous entry, for those who are wondering, was a graffito I saw in Barcelona.

Saturday, I went to the Barcelona Sants train station with the intention of going to Bilbao, but ended up on a train for Cordoba.  True to my utterly random manner of travel, I guess – no maps, no guides, no plan…. 

I still had in mind the idea of visiting Morocco. I may go, I may not, but I've got a deadline to be in Amsterdam for my return flight by the 24th – which isn't really that much time.

Cordoba, despite it's several-thousand-years of history, isn't that different from that other Cordoba – the one in Argentina, I visited in 94.  Of course, it's cool about the roman temples, medieval mosques, baroque churches.  Cordoba was the seat of the caliphate in the 10th-11th centuries….

More graffiti seen:

"Life is a dream."

"Yes… but what kind of dream?"

"Why, the American dream, of course."

Caveat: auxiliares administrativos de la realidad

Dateline:  Barcelona

"reality´s administrative support staff" – nice line from an editorial in El País this morning, regarding the Spanish parliament´s review of the events of March 11, 2004. 

I got into Barcelona night before yesterday – late weds. night I guess that would be.  A large, cosmopolitan city, where one could spend years exploring, I´m sure.  Once again, I must reiterate my own inadequacy as a conventional tourist – so far I´ve spent most of my time just strolling around random neighborhoods, taking the subway to interestingly named but otherwise unremarkable stops, for example I visited an area called "Pep Ventura" yesterday – a delightful name for a rather uninteresting community. 

I did make a visit to the Sagrada Família – Gaudí´s unfinished masterwork and, truly, an inspiring, incredible, unparalleled bit of architecture.  With the sun turning the curves and twists of the stone pink and orange, I made two full orbits of the temple from the outside, but ended up avoiding entering the interior, having been overwhelmed by the vast herds of japanese tourists and catalonian youth groups queued ahead of me. 

Impressionistically, Barcelona, as might be expected, so far makes me think rather often of Buenos Aires or México, DF.    Despite the predominance of the catalán language over the spanish, at least in signage, the city is clearly Iberian to the core, and thus has more in common with those ibero-american metropoli than with, say, the italian cities it shares more with in historical terms.   Being so cosmopolitan, one hears any number of languages on the street, in any neighborhood – but castillian and catalán predominate.  Catalán is a fascinating language, although occasionally I get the unfair feeling that it´s all a sham, something to confuse the castillans with, kind of like a children´s secret language.  Imagine what french would sound like, if spoken by a spaniard who was under the mistaken impression that all those silent letters had to be pronounced. 

That´s catalán for you.  Not to put it down – I love the way that all these romance languages form a continuum, and I confess that in my more philological, tolkienesque moments I have even toyed with "inventing" my own romance language, picking and choosing etymons and phonological patterns from among all the players: castillian, portuguese, gallego, provenzal, french, italian, corsican, sicilian, romanch, rumanian, etc.  Tolkien did something very similar with the celtic languages – that´s what his "elvish" is, after all – just a giant hodgepodge of celtic roots and phonological transformations, drawing from gaelic, welsh, breton, brythionic, cornish, etc. 

Now that´s what you call a reality administrator.   The argentine author, Borges, in his story Tlön, Uqbar, Orbis Tertia, presents the idea of a secret society dedicated to inventing a new, imaginary world, and making it reality.  Sans the secret society part (ahem, as far as we know), both Gene Roddenberry´s Star Trek and Tolkien´s middle earth have come tantalizingly close to making such a plot-line come true.  Witness the story about the supposed offer of Multnomah County, Oregon, to offer translation services to the Klingon-speaking immigrant community (this may be an urban myth, but google "Klingon" if you don´t think the language is real).   OK… whatever – many of you have heard me discurse ad infinitum on this sort of subject before.

I´m somewhat frustrated that I am most definitely running out of time on this little adventure of mine, and feeling that I really haven´t done that much.  Definitely the flu I contracted in Poland made for lost time …. but overall, it´s mostly that I´m travelling in a manner I haven´t, hitherto, had much success at – I´m not so good at the "touring" sort of tourism, and much better at the "pick someplace and stay there a few weeks / months / years" sort of tourism – though I suppose this latter isn´t, in the end, tourism anymore.   But at least I´ll be able to say "I´ve been there" for what that´s worth. 

As I´ve mentioned before, I feel very much at a loss what it is I want to do next with my life.  I talk alot about starting a business, going to business school, whatever, but ultimately, these things still feel like default activities – things I can do to fill time until something cool comes along.   Singlemindedness seems like an enviable asset to me, most of the time – I simply don´t have it, though I´m capable of emulating it for sustained periods, as my recent career experiences have demonstrated.  But even in the depths of the singleminded pursuit of something, I´m never, genuinely, singleminded.  I´m just sort of pretending to be singleminded, in hopes of fooling the world and myself.   The world is often fooled – but myself, never.

Caveat: La Glacerie des Papes

Dateline: Avignon

I couldn't resist spending a day in Avignon – another delay on my way to Spain.  Perhaps I'm trying to emulate Persiles' "dilatada perigrinación"? 

Avignon hosted the papacy of the catholic church for most of the 14th century.  The only place besides rome, historically, to have done so for an extended period.  Hence the great landmark in the center of Avignon is the Palais des Papes.  And thus, an ice cream shop up the street couldn't resist claiming to be "la glacerie des papes." 

At the end of the 14th century, as the black death had swept through europe, there occurred the great schism – when there were popes in both rome and in avignon, competing for the allegiance of bishops throughout catholic europe.  A prefigurement of the reformation?  Perhaps.  A replay of the catharist heresies of the 13th century?  Perhaps that, too, although historians would probably be uncomfortable with that one.  But it can hardly be accidental that the city of Avignon, seat of popes and anti-popes in the 1300's, had been near the center of one of the most widespread popular "heretical" movements in all of medieval europe only a hundred years earlier.  Catharism was a resurgence of arianist (anti-trinitarian) and even gnostic ideas of christianity, that occured throughout languedoc in the 1200's, and has also been linked to such church-sanctioned thinkers such as Master Eckhart, that dominican apogee of medieval mysticism. 

I figured out today why I like visiting french churches.  They're almost always empty!  A polish, an italian, a mexican church, be it spectacular or provincial, is also a working religious instition.  Allegedly, so are the french.  But the French don't seem to make much use of their churches… at least not on week-day mornings.  I vividly remember my visits to Montmartre or even ND de Paris, twenty years ago during my studies there, when I was only one of three or four tourists in the entire church on a cold january morning.  One could sit and contemplate in utter, desolate solitude.  No such solitude to be found in churches in Mexico, DF or Krakow or Firenze.  Does the devotion of others really make me that uncomfortable?  It's definitely easy to feel like an impostor as a tourist in some historic church that people are actually trying to use.  But in France, I guess they're all impostors?  Hmm…

It's nice being able to go into restaurants and order something in the local language successfully.  I haven't had that experience up to this point on this trip.

Somewhat tired of restauranting, however.  So I went into a supermarket (called "shopi" – how cute) and bought some salami, cheese, yoghurt, bread, dried fruit, etc., to have a picnic in my hotel room.  A change of pace, haven't done that since Warszawa.  Watching French reality television is so compelling, after all…

Caveat: Université du Temps Libre

Dateline: Avignon

So much for rushing off to Spain. Italy was difficult to leave. Meaning, I got off at the wrong station in Génova, missed a connection to Nice. Went to Torino, thinking I could make a connection there, but Torino turned out to be one of those more-than-one-train-station towns where one has to walk or bus or taxi between stations… no easy connection there, either. So I stayed another night in Italy, in a nice hotel in Torino called Montevecchio, a block south of Corso Stati Uniti.

Next day (yesterday), I took the train back to Génova, got off at the right train station this time, connected to Ventimiglia (on the border with France), connected again to Nice, and finally connected again to Avignon.  A study in contrasts… the first leg was a standard italian "intercity" (regional).  The next was a commuter train, stopped everywhere, took forever at stations, along the gorgeous Italian riviera (Savona, Sanremo…) but with rare bits of snow on the hilltops overlooking the cold, blue sea of middle earth (think about it:  medi-terranea). 

The French train to from Vintimille to Nice was also a commuter train, but bearing the same relation to the italian commuter train as a New York commuter train resembles a Mexican commuter train.  The French train was clean, fast, subway-like.  The Monaco stop was even underground … the whole stretch from the italian border to Nice was as through a prosperous metropolis. 

The connection in Nice put me on another regional train which in theory would have been a similar experience, but an accident of fate made me a member of the surplus of a very crowded train. 

With no place for all the extra passengers, a conductor opened up a large baggage compartment, and I surveyed the sunset on the Cote d'Azur through the filthy window of a cigarette-smoke-filled baggage car, where I sat on my luggage on the floor.  It reminded me of bus-travel in guatemala.

As the yacht-harbors fled past and disappeared in the mediterranean darkness, the train finally began to empty out and I found a seat in compartment to share with some gregarious, chain-smoking, cell-phone-chatting algerian youths.  By the time we reached Marseilles, I was alone, and I plowed into my steady re-reading of Persiles once again.

Somewhere on this leg of the journey, I finally crossed paths with Persiles and his party of pilgrims.  Which is to say, While I rode from Torino to Génova to Nice to Avignon, Persiles travelled from Barcelona to Montpellier to Aix-en-Provence to Milano.  Persiles, still under the name of Periandro, with his alleged sister Auristela, the bárbaro Antonio (hijo) and his sister Constanza (recién condesa), and various others, are all on their way to Roma, to commit to to la santa fé católica, etc., etc.

We had nearly crossed paths earlier, in Poland, although it's never clear in the novel what part of greater Poland Persiles and company are in, or even if they are, in fact, in Poland or in some other part of "las regiones setentriontales" which Cervantes has in his imagination granted to the king of Poland (recall that in the 16th cent., Poland/Lithuania were a great power in the north, with domains stretching from Sweden to Estonia to Odessa on the black sea, and for many in Spain and the Mediterranean world of the epoch, "polonia" was synonymous with all of the far north of europe).

The first two books of the novel Persiles…, set in the far north of Europe, are much vaguer on geography and more detached from the social realities of the period, and, since Cervantes was working from his imagination and not actual experience, lack verisimilitude.  Indeed, I, for one, suspect that the "northern" seas and islands in the novel are standing in for the "other" that – in Cervantes' golden age spain – was in fact the new world of the Americas.  This is a sort of displacement that allows the author some space for invention on the one hand, but allows him to address the theme of "otherness" (a very voguish term, lit-crit-wise, I realize) with some degree of plausibility.

The fact that the pilgrims land at Lisbon, of all places, at the beginning of book three, could be used to support further the fact that although they're coming from the north per the terms of the narrative, in cultural terms they are arriving from the new world.  And once on terra firma, Periandro et al., are in a world Cervantes is much more competent to describe and critique, on the one hand, and where the author knew he'd be held to a much higher standard of verisimilitude, on the other.  Hence the radical change in tone of the third and fourth books.  Critiques like to point out that the first two books were written years before the last two, but there are logical reasons within the text itself, if contextualized to its audience and cultural setting, to justify these changes in tone.

Ok… enough of that.  My train got into Avignon two hours late – almost midnight.  So I walked down the block to the Hotel Ibis (a french anologue for Motel 6 … hmm, actually, the same corporation – thus the logic of global capitalism, e?).  Not exactly picturesque, but… hey, check it out, they've got a WiFi connection.

France is the country in europe that most resembles the united states.  I feel more comfortable making that statement now, though I'd confidently have made this categorical statement even before this visit, too.  Current trans-atlantic sqabbles aside, France and the US are fundamentally the same sort of civilization… more so than, say, Britain and the US, in my opinion. I think the british fail the "cultural naivete" test, that weird combination of idealism and arrogance that define both american and french societies.  Perhaps under Victoria, at the height of empire, things were different for britain… but the british seem to accept, now, at an almost visceral level, that they've been "surpassed" by their offspring, i.e. the US. The fact that it's their offspring allows them to retain a sense of place and pride despite the eclipse of their empire.  The french, however, refuse to accept any such "end of empire" – they've merely transmogrified themselves into a post-modern, neo-colonial power, a la USA:  voici la francophonie.   

Interesting to note, for example, that France is the first country in the EU that I've visited that doesn't consistently fly the EU flag, alongside their own, on public buildings.  This despite the fact that they are enthusiastic and founding members of the union.  A bit like texas, then – parellelly, texas is the only place I've been in the US where you will frequently see state flags unaccompanied by the US flag.  Yet texans are those most american of americans – voici GW Bush qua texan. 

In Avignon this morning, I walked past a bar with the name "Université du Temps Libre" – what a perfect name for a bar, e?  Or for an entry in this journal d'ambivalence?

Caveat: I walked down along the river Arno…

I walked down along the river Arno, the sun was shining.  The water was the color of desert fatigues, opaque like a green olive.  There were some ducks swimming, and there was no wind, for a change.  I saw what appeared to be two otters swimming in the current.  One headed toward the near shore, where someone had thrown some bread for the ducks.  Three meters straight down in the water, an otter sat up in the bright morning light and held in its paws a piece of bread and ate.  Somehow this is more inspiring than the museums and the tourist-clogged streets to me, at the moment.  I'm going to move on to spain, leaving tomorrow for, probably, somewhere in southern france for overnight, and thence to barcelona or somewhere like that. 

After the river, I walked up the hill on the south side, hoping for view, but the sky got cloudy and beautiful, but chilly.  I climbed a hill on a street called san giorgio, I think, and ended up on a back road along what appears to be a remnant of the city wall, with olive trees behind another, shorter wall on the south side.  Very painterly and tuscan, I thought.  After recrossing the river I bought my weekly dose of world news, the economist, at a news stand, and stopped for capuccino and a schiacciate (toasted sandwichy thing, probably spelled wrong there) and read in the coming-and-going sunshine.

Everytime I go into a museum, I grow bored.  Something different from what I expected….  Not bored exactly… just restless.  Not wanting to just look, wanting to create, maybe.  But create what?  My writing (aside from these entries) isn't going well, although I've made some decent progress with Persiles, of late, it's just notes – nothing monumental.  I'm carrying around another book, an anthology of poetry by Vicente Aleixandre, in hopes of drawing some inspiration.  But mostly I find myself disappointed at my jottings.  I throw them away.

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