Caveat: Apocalypse Heap

I bought a run-down 1994 jeep last fall.

Here is a picture of the jeep in the rainy shopping center parking lot, looking toward the entrance to our gift shop.

A 1994 jeep in well-used condition, with a canvas roof and improvised pieces of plywood making up the back window and upper door panels, in a rainy rural Alaskan strip-mall parking lot

I haven’t driven it much – I only intended it to be a reserve vehicle, and it also helped as a kind reassurance to Arthur that I wasn’t “taking” his car away from him (which he nevertheless never drives). But, just these past two weeks, with our houseguest driving the “Blueberry” (Arthur’s 2011 Chevy Tahoe), I’m reduced to “slumming” in this back-up car.

Every time I drive this rattletrap, I am reminded of my father – who gravitates to broken down old rust-heap vehicles like a photon to a black hole.

I bought the car from coworker Jan’s husband, Richard. Jan calls the car the “Apocalypsemobile” – because of the Mad Max vibes it gives off with its plywood aftermarket accoutrements. In my own mind, I have always pronounced the name “jeep” in the Mexican way (with a j-as-h sound, as in San Jose, hence /hip/). This idiolectic pronunciation is homophonous with the English word “heap”, which in this jeep’s case, isn’t far from accurate. Thus, combining these two facts, the obvious name for this car is “Apocalypse Heap”.

And so it is.


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Caveat: Links #47

Here are some links I found interesting- without comment.

An illustration from the internet.

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A quote.

“Down the long lane of the history yet to be written, America knows that this world of ours, ever growing smaller, must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.” – Dwight Eisenhower


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Caveat: Links #46

Here are some links I found interesting- without comment.

An illustration from the internet.

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A found poem.

“You take a look at bacon and some of these products and some people don’t eat bacon anymore and we are going to get the energy prices down when we get energy down you know this was caused by their horrible energy WIND! they want WIND! all over the place but when it doesn’t blow we have a little problem” – Donald Trump


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Caveat: Fish after 3 days

There’s always going to be a trade-off. There can be a houseguest who thinks they are being helpful, but in fact they make more work for you. They cook a delicious meal for you, but leave little messes everywhere and never turn off any lights and even forget to turn off the oven, and leave swathes of chaos in the fridge. There are constant decisions that have to be made, when your houseguest has different standards of neatness and cleanliness than you do. Should you go around cleaning up after them, and resent it? Or should you just live with that different standard of neatness and cleanliness for a while, and resent that, instead? Inevitably, it’s some combination of those two, and a constant effort to avoid building up resentment.

Venting online into the void is super helpful, of course.


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Caveat: The true secret to privacy online

I sometimes realize that I can exploit the fact that my blog has so few regular readers to passive-aggressively rant about the world around me, up to and including my own family and neighbors (most of whom can’t be bothered to realize that the internet is bigger than facebook). I can be “open” and eerily transparent without actually having any reputational skin in the social-media game.

The fact that this blog is nominally public just lends certain frisson, a sensation of “living dangerously,” to the whole enterprise.

None of this is new to me, of course. I’ve gone off in this direction before, but then I go through other phases where I feel more cautious, and practice some self-restraint for a few years.

Anyway, I’m feeling inclined to experiment with allowing myself to be more open about my politics and general ideological eccentricities than I have been over the last few years. It’s not like I’m going to be running for political office or something, where having my beliefs and feelings out there in the public record actually matters.

And to the extent that the major social media and web search empires are so thoroughly “enshittifying” (as the contemporary parlance puts it), my blog’s “discoverability” isn’t what it used to be, five or ten years ago, either. When I was living in Korea, it wasn’t uncommon for strangers to find my blog and engage with it, with substantive comments on posts and such. That kind of thing never happens anymore – the search engines simply don’t see my blog, and don’t offer links to it.

It’s interesting. People are so worried about privacy online, but perhaps the best way to be private online is to self-host your own completely public blog, and refuse to play the SEO game – no one will see it, I can almost guarantee!

At the rate things are going, this blog is really not much more public than my going around and putting up ranty post-its on random trees in my rural Alaskan neighborhood. Which, come to think of it, might be an amusing thing to do.

Shouting into the abyss has never been easier.


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Caveat: Here, listen to this!

<rant>

I believe, with all my soul, that it is rude to subject other people to your private audio stream – whether music, news, stories (audiobooks), telephone conversations, or anything else. Now that we all have excellent speakers in our hands, it’s easier than ever to do. Though in fact, I think it’s always been an issue, even back in pre-technological eras when people would have loud, annoying conversations or play music around other people who had no interest in hearing it.

So this rant isn’t about “the kids these days” or some decay in social standards. Indeed, if anything, I feel the elderly are the most typical demographic to perpetrate this type of rudeness – I would link it to the seemingly inevitable narcissim of old age (and as an aside, is this really inevitable? my narcissism is bad enough… I hate to imagine what a horrible old person I’ll be…).

I suspect there have always been rude people. I’m just making the observation that these rude people do this thing that annoys me.

</rant>


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Caveat: Agonized abrogation

I had a horrible day.

Probably partly it was the result of not really feeling like I got any rest or “alone time” over the weekend, what with having a guest here and various stressful small “crises,” like the failed kitchen sink drain and the mold-infested barbecue. I have no moment of refuge, no place of retreat.

So I started the day stressed and annoyed, and it just got worse. Before I bought the store, working at the store was a sort of refuge – because mostly I could just concentrate on my specific responsibilities, and the “big picture” was up to someone else – the store’s owners. Now that I’m the store’s owner, all the really big problems rise up to me, and I have to deal with them. There’s no sense of refuge in the store. I face bills, annoying or dissatisfied customers, the competing preferences and requests of employees… it’s all on me to sort out, and delay doesn’t solve anything, so each of these demands my attention NOW.

But actually still, I wasn’t truly miserable till I got home. I guess I’m just burned out on cleaning up after other people. It’s true that Wayne had prepared dinner, which was nice. But I spent the hour and a half after dinner cleaning up: cleaning dishes, cleaning Wayne’s mess in the boat (which returned to our dock yesterday), dealing with a water shortage in our cistern (caused by someone leaving the hose at the dock on for a day straight). It just never stops. And no sense of personal space or refuge to retreat to for bed, since I yielded my bedroom to our guest.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I went down to look at the boat, and found some fish guts and bait in loose, non-waterproof bags in the transom storage area. It was stinky already, the boat having been in the sun all day. I came up to let Wayne know that this mess was there, and his response was: “You can throw it in the water.” Implicit in this was that he just assumed I was happy to clean up after him and Jeff. Now to be clear, I’m not really into fishing even under the best of conditions, but if there’s one aspect of fishing I like least, it’s dealing with fish guts. And here he just assumed I’d be happy to deal with it. So… I dealt with it. But I was quite angry. I even let him know – though I suspect he unable to understand why I was angry. But it made me feel like some kind of servant, rather than someone hosting a friend at my home.

In the end I was so grumpy I just ran away and have gone to bed my treehouse. I’m tired of responsibility. A lot.


It’s kind of primitive out here, and a bit chilly, but at least I have some solitude.


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Caveat: Life as it is

I’m really struggling lately. We have a visitor up – Art’s old friend Wayne – from Vancouver Island. He’s a dynamic and interesting person to have around, but it ends up just feeling like more pressure to get more things done that I just don’t have the energy for.

And I feel like small things keep going wrong, and maybe each in itself is not such a big thing, but collectively they’re digging in around the edges and my quality of life feels really overwhelmingly bad lately.

The drain in the kitchen downstairs broke yesterday. I had a flood in the kitchen which was a pain to clean up, and since the hardware store is closed Sunday and Monday, I can’t even shop for replacement pieces until Tuesday morning. Meanwhile, we are carrying dishes upstairs to wash them.

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Today, Wayne wanted to try smoking some salmon. I admit I probably planted the idea in his mind – but I regret it. It’s turned into an ordeal, as Art’s Traeger smoker/cooker thing turned out be in a state of barely-functional deshabille – it was filthy, full of ash and crap, and it had mold growing in it. Art’s always been the “sole person in charge” of the Traeger grill – so I’m only guilty of neglecting something that wasn’t important to me and that I just had sort of drifted to assuming we weren’t using anymore – like so many things. But anyway, I spent most of the day dinking around with it, running it “hot” to cook out the junk and mold and then repeatedly scrubbing it with a wire brush.

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I’m still not wholly comfortable with the thermostat control – it feels like it’s not behaving the way I would hope, as far as running in “smoker” mode. It seems to like to suddenly “take off” and suddenly the temperature zooms up to 400-500 degrees, before it “calms down” and settles at the appropriate temperature for smoking (around 160-180).


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Caveat: Links #37

Here are some links I found interesting- without comment.

An illustration from the internet.

picture

A quote.

“My employer added a clause in my last NDA [non-disclosure agreement] stating that I was prohibited from saying anything ‘disparaging’ about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, ‘I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.’ None have ever applied.” – someone on the internet


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Caveat: 초콜릿 맛 똥

Lately, one of the least enjoyable aspects of caretaking for my uncle Arthur, in his senescence, has been that he seems to struggle with wiping his ass. So far I haven’t had to actually do it for him – he’s too proud to ask for help and too forgetful to mention it as an issue except in the moment.

I’m kept aware of it largely because I frequently find shit smeared all over the toilet seat.

I suspect the issue is twofold: 1) a lack of upper body flexibility, related to the severe arthritis in his shoulders, preventing him from reliably reaching the area in question, and 2) an extreme lack of situational awareness, an ongoing issue ever since his stroke in 2018.

Anyway, I deal with by carefully inspecting the toilet seat on a regular basis, and keeping a sprayer of cleaner near the toilet to clean it off when necessary. I have long ago discovered that trying to confront him about it or to “retrain” him on the issue is counterproductive, so I’m sure if I mentioned to him that this issue is ongoing and impacts my quality of life, he’d spiral off in a posture of defensive denial. Once on a related issue of pissing on the floor in the bathroom, his response was: “How do you know you didn’t do it?” Better to just keep quiet and forebear on these questions.

On the more positive side, I will report, for the record, that apparently, Arthur eats so much chocolate that his shit often smells like chocolate.

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