Quae te dextra mihi rapuit, luscinia, ruscis, illa meae fuerat invida laetitiae. Tu mea dulcisonis implesti pectora musis, atque animum moestum carmine mellifluo. Qua propter veniant volucrum simul undique coetus carmine te mecum plangere Pierio. Spreta colore tamen fueras non spreta canendo. Lata sub angusto gutture vox sonuit, dulce melos iterans vario modulamine Musae, atque creatorem semper in ore canens. Noctibus in furvis nusquam cessavit ab odis, vox veneranda sacris, o decus atque decor. Quid mirum, cherubim, seraphim si voce tonantem perpetua laudent, dum tua sic potuit?
– Alcuin (Anglo-Saxon poet, theologian and Carolingian administrator, 735-804)
This morning I had dental appointment #2/?… I have no idea how many more dental appointments lie in my future, as they fix things up that have been neglected since before the cancer.
I reiterate my strong conviction that cancer hospitals are preferable to dentists.
Some months ago, the whiteboard in room 212 had been coming loose. There was worry that it would fall down at an inopportune time, so Curt told Mr Park (the 과장님 – literally "supervisor" or "chief" but really he's a kind of glorified handyman and janitor at Karma) to add some reinforcements to its support. He duly attached some extra screws with fat washers to hold the whiteboard in its place on the wall.
I guess for whatever reason, one of the girls in my HS2-M cohort noticed these rather larger features in strangely placed, apparently random locations on edges of the whiteboard.
"It looks like a CC camera," she observed. It did rather, if you didn't look too closely.
"Someone is spying on you," I observed, perhaps teasing a bit.
Another girl turned and pointed at the "official" CC camera, mounted on the ceiling in the corner of the room. "Of course," she observed.
Such CC cameras are ubiquitious in Korean life, and as far as I can figure out, are actually legally mandated for settings like schools and hagwon. Presumeably, they serve to provide reassurance to parents that nothing bad can happen to their children because there is a record of classroom activity. And I know Curt has spent money to make sure they are all working and well-maintained, which supports the idea that there's a regulation requiring them – but I don't know this for certain.
"That one is unofficial," I clarified, pointing at the screw-with-washer on the whiteboard. This obligated me to spend several minutes explaining the word "unofficial." Which, of course, is exactly the sort of conversation I most like to have with my students: relevant, student-driven, but, hopefully, full of new information and/or vocabulary.
After that, one of the other girls, Gayeong, asked, "Who would want to spy unofficial?"
"Kim Jeong-eun," I joked. One of the other kids laughed.
"Oh no!" Gayeong declared, and mimed an insincere, mocking look of shock and terror. The North Korean leader is mostly an object of derision and gallows-humor for typical South Korean middle-schoolers. He's not taken very seriously.
But then a soft-spoken and shy girl, who happened to be sitting closest to the whiteboard, really shocked me. She leaned forward, toward the "camera," and in an earnest whisper said, simply, "Fuck you."
"Jiwon," I declared, both impressed by this very idiomatic experession and dismayed by its vulgarity. "What's that about?"
Of course, even without teaching them, all the kids know this type of English – it's too ubiquitous in American pop culture (movies and music) for them not to know what it means and how it's best deployed effectively.
Jiwon just shrugged and smiled. "He's a bad person."
The Chainsmokers (with Coldplay), "Something Just Like This." The video is "unofficial," but cute and sappy. This was a song chosen by one of my middle-school CC classes recently. I'm letting them choose their own songs completely, now. It's going pretty well, actually.
Lyrics
I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths Achilles and his gold Hercules and his gifts Spiderman's control And Batman with his fists And clearly I don't see myself upon that list
But she said, "Where d'you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts. Some superhero, Some fairytale bliss. Just something I can turn to. Somebody I can kiss. I want something just like this."
Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
Oh, I want something just like this I want something just like this
I've been reading books of old The legends and the myths The testaments they told The moon and its eclipse And Superman unrolls A suit before he lifts But I'm not the kind of person that it fits
She said, "Where d'you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts. Some superhero, Some fairytale bliss. Just something I can turn to. Somebody I can miss. I want something just like this. I want something just like this."
Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Oh, I want something just like this Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo
"Where d'you wanna go? How much you wanna risk? I'm not looking for somebody With some superhuman gifts. Some superhero, Some fairytale bliss. Just something I can turn to. Somebody I can kiss. I want something just like this."
Oh, I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this Oh, I want something just like this
December, 627
The Emperor Iraklios disliked
the foggy plains where Sumer once held sway.
He marched for Ctesiphon, but then turned back;
they’d cut the bridges, stopping any chance.
He’d made his point regardless: King of Kings
in Persia signed the treaty in the end. [daily log: walking, 7.5km]
I have one hour till I have to go. I'll make one more cup of coffee. And think of something to write. It's hard to imagine. Meanwhile the sun slants. Dust motes settle. Motionless. Static. Still.
I had a flu some weeks back, and I feel I have not ever really recovered.
This whole week I have slept at least two hours longer than my normal sleep time each night, which for me a reliable sign that something is amiss with my general health. Despite my occasional bouts of hypochondria, I don't think worry about cancer is well-placed, since just a few weeks ago I passed my semiannual inspection successfully. I'm just feeling unhealthy and consequently rather glum about life.
I should add to the above the fact my normally predominant escapist hobby – my geofiction – has been on indefinite hold due to a strong sensation of burnout with respect to what you might call the internal politics of the website where I was engaged in that.
So I have been feeling adrift and painfully uncreative – allowing a possible exception for my daily effort at poetry, but with the caveat that even there, I am "depleting my reserves" rather than doing much that is new.
So what am I doing with my time, outside of work and sleep?
I have been reading history. Almost exclusively, and for many hours each day. I began, a few weeks back, with a curiosity about the Byzantine Empire, I have been wandering off wherever my interest leads: Sassanids (Persian pre-Islamic); Avars and Lombards and Franks and Visigoths; Khazars and Göktürks. It's notable that with the internet as it is today, one hardly needs to go out and buy books to pursue these eccentricities.
From this reading, I have only this generalization to draw:
The world is always just about to end. There is nothing new under the sun.
Of all sixty of us I am the only one who went to the four corners though I don't say it out of pride but more like a type of regret, and I did it because there was no one I truly believed in though once when I climbed the hill in Skye and arrived at the rough tables I saw the only other elder who was a vegetarian–in Scotland– and visited Orwell and rode a small motorcycle to get from place to place; and I immediately stopped eating fish and meat and lived on soups; and we wrote each other in the middle and late fifties though one day I got a letter from his daughter that he had died in an accident; he was I'm sure of it, an angel who flew in midair with one eternal gospel to proclaim to those inhabiting the earth and every nation; and now that I go through my papers every day I search and search for his letters but to my shame I have even forgotten his name, that messenger who came to me with tablespoons of blue lentils. – Gerald Stern (American poet, b 1925)
Skies aglow with drops of Canaan, cupric calm advancing, broken blue and sun-filled heaven frozen earth, all motion waning, stones will stop their dancing.
I thought she might not. She seemed a forever type of person. But actually everyone dies.
She was a great writer. And a philosopher, though not in the conventional sense. I don't need to review her life or work – others can do that better than I can. But her writing has influenced me profoundly.
I was 12 years old when I first read the Earthsea series of fantasy books. And I really doubt that I have spent a single day in my life since then when that imagined world hasn't crossed my mind in some way or another. It's a visceral thing – I don't know that the philosophical and psychological ideas there were so impactful – though they're undeniably present in the books. I only mean that I imagined that world quite vividly, in reading those books. and so now I think of it, much as one remembers a memorable trip, perhaps. For example, I think every day of the years I lived in Mexico, or the two months I spent in South America, or my one month studying in Paris, or my six months in Chicago. They were profound and memorable experiences, which shaped who I am. Likewise, the reading of those books, at that time in my life, left a similar type of indelible impression.
Her novel The Dispossessed had a more philosophical impact on me. I consider it a great philosophical novel. The "sci-fi" aspect is nearly irrelevant, except as a way to set the scene – the same story could have been written in a different way, set on Earth in some slightly altered historical context. I would put this book in my Universal Recommended books list.
The Martians came for lovely weather, then, and put up houses on the tops of hills to look out over earth's inhabitants. They were in fact invading just for fun.
The internet wins the day. It turns out that H.P. Lovecraft's apocalyptically-themed poem "Nemesis" is a perfect metrical fit for Billy Joel's "Piano Man."
And then someone made it happen.
What I'm listening to right now.
Julian Velard, "Nemesis" – lyrics by H.P. Lovecraft, melody by Billy Joel.
Lyrics – "Nemesis."
Thro’ the ghoul-guarded gateways of slumber, Past the wan-moon’d abysses of night, I have liv’d o’er my lives without number, I have sounded all things with my sight; And I struggle and shriek ere the daybreak, being driven to madness with fright.
I have whirl’d with the earth at the dawning, When the sky was a vaporous flame; I have seen the dark universe yawning, Where the black planets roll without aim; Where they roll in their horror unheeded, without knowledge or lustre or name.
I had drifted o’er seas without ending, Under sinister grey-clouded skies That the many-fork’d lightning is rending, That resound with hysterical cries; With the moans of invisible daemons that out of the green waters rise.
I have plung’d like a deer thro’ the arches Of the hoary primordial grove, Where the oaks feel the presence that marches And stalks on where no spirit dares rove; And I flee from a thing that surrounds me, and leers thro’ dead branches above.
I have stumbled by cave-ridden mountains That rise barren and bleak from the plain, I have drunk of the fog-foetid fountains That ooze down to the marsh and the main; And in hot cursed tarns I have seen things I care not to gaze on again.
I have scann’d the vast ivy-clad palace, I have trod its untenanted hall, Where the moon writhing up from the valleys Shews the tapestried things on the wall; Strange figures discordantly woven, which I cannot endure to recall.
I have peer’d from the casement in wonder At the mouldering meadows around, At the many-roof’d village laid under The curse of a grave-girdled ground; And from rows of white urn-carven marble I listen intently for sound.
I have haunted the tombs of the ages, I have flown on the pinions of fear Where the smoke-belching Erebus rages, Where the jokulls loom snow-clad and drear: And in realms where the sun of the desert consumes what it never can cheer.
I was old when the Pharaohs first mounted The jewel-deck’d throne by the Nile; I was old in those epochs uncounted When I, and I only, was vile; And Man, yet untainted and happy, dwelt in bliss on the far Arctic isle.
Oh, great was the sin of my spirit, And great is the reach of its doom; Not the pity of Heaven can cheer it, Nor can respite be found in the tomb: Down the infinite aeons come beating the wings of unmerciful gloom.
Thro’ the ghoul-guarded gateways of slumber, Past the wan-moon’d abysses of night, I have liv’d o’er my lives without number, I have sounded all things with my sight; And I struggle and shriek ere the daybreak, being driven to madness with fright.
Here is another version – nicer implementation (more true to the darker spirit of Lovecraft), but incomplete.
Age asserted pains and torments, Feelings drifted downward. Guillible neuronal contents Spun and spiralled, broke in segments, Grim-faced birds of doubt soared.
"A shutdown falls on the President's lack of leadership. He can't even control his party and get people together in a room. A shutdown means the President is weak." – DJT, 2013.
Dreams unfurl like flags of symbols each unknown in context: first I saw the men make troubles, then one man whose face resembles world destroying vortex…
I just learned that South Korea has a horrible "kimchi deficit," in an article here.
The same article points out, however, that overall, Korea runs a major trade surplus. And they make plenty of money on that surplus, which, apparently, they spend importing cheap Chinese-made kimchi.
The irony is that "cabbage" (배추) is a slang word for money, in Korean, as well as being a main ingredient in most varieties of kimchi. So they make their "cabbage" selling the world smartphones and memory chips, and then spend that "cabbage" for real cabbage from China.
Personally, I'm going to have to look more closely at the labels on my pre-made, store-bought kimchi, because I prefer to avoid food imported from China – the quality issues in the past have seemed quite notable. I do marvel, however, at the fact that China has become such a dominant food exporter in so many product domains: a country with so many people, where people were dying in famine half a century ago, still manages to export vast quantities of food.
The emperor doesn't care that he's naked. He's like, check this shit out, man, and fuck you all.
This "poem" is at great variance from my typical approach for making a poem. But it appeared spontaneously in my blotter – my ongoing note-taking document where my poems typically appear. And I decided to just go ahead and include it. I still consider it poetry, though of a different register.
Yesterday I went to an actual, non-cancer-hospital dentist. That's the first time I've gone to a non-cancer-hospital dentist since I had cancer. It thus marks a milestone.
Observation: I prefer cancer hospitals to dentists.
What I'm listening to right now.
They Might Be Giants, "I Love You for Psychological Reasons."
Lyrics.
lately I've taken to vacantly making repetitive movements mistakenly seen as improvements nearing perfection but wisely electing to shun my reflection preferring instead shoe inspection cheese and chalk do not talk but their eyes synchronize with a secret rhythm which is a way one could say that I love you for psychological reasons
mumbling failure in jail my extremities flail and I wail though my arms and my legs to the chair are nailed under the table unwilling unable the torture's medieval the dream is a fable with feeble wings why does the mouse share the house with the louse they won't say but they feel their feelings doesn't subtract from the fact that I love you for psychological reasons reasons I can't really go into now reasons we should probably not get into right now
I'm ashamed to admit I'm afraid of assuming the blame for my lame abnegation of braveness and fame brain in a jar in a car in reverse I'm rehearsing the way I'll replay how to say how to be where you are flammable undiagrammable sentiments pass between animal beings hard to explain but it's plain that I love you for psychological reasons
why does the mouse share the house with the louse they won't say but they feel their feelings doesn't subtract from the fact that I love you for psychological reasons reasons I can't really go into now reasons we should probably not get into right now
The other day I woke. It was dark. I made coffee. Sat for a while. Light clarified my window. So I stood to look out. I saw clouds and sky. Why does the sky crack into fragments? Dawn.
On Monday, the US commemorated Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.'s birthday. Dr King's memorial has become the somewhat anodyne fillip to an annual dialogue about race and civil rights, couched in terms guaranteed to offend no one. But he was pretty offensive to those aligned against him, in his era – and those people were offensive right back at him. Not least, consider this bit, written shortly after his assassination:
Those who mourn Dr. King because they were his closest followers should meditate the implications of the deed of the wildman who killed him. That deed should bring to mind not (for God's sake) the irrelevance of non-violence, but the sternest necessity of reaffirming non-violence. An aspect of non-violence is submission to the law.
The last public speech of Martin Luther King described his intention of violating the law in Memphis, where an injunction had been handed down against the resumption of a march which only a week ago had resulted in the death of one human being and the wounding of fifty others.
Dr. King's flouting of the law does not justify the the flouting by others of the law, but it is a terrifying thought that, most likely, the cretin who leveled his rifle at the head of Martin Luther King, may have absorbed the talk, so freely available, about the supremacy of the individual conscience, such talk as Martin Luther King, God rest his troubled soul, had so widely, and so indiscriminately, indulged in. – William F. Buckley, April 9, 1968.
Buckley, in essence, blames the actions of Dr King's murderer on the message he advocated and preached. It is deeply disturbing that in Buckley's view, "submission to the law" is a component of non-violence. This confuses the admonition to "render unto Caesar" for a quite different notion: "submit to Caesar." This is definitely not what any notable advocate of nonviolence has ever had in mind, including Jesus himself.
In light of this, please don't believe that dogwghistle racism and "blaming the victim" are in any way new to the right's discourses contra civil rights. I once thought rather highly of Buckley, but over the years I have seen more and more evidence to support the idea that he was, behind his high rhetoric, yet another defender of the Jim Crow status quo ante.
The only thing actually new in our current Emperor is a certain incisive vulgarity – the content of the message is little changed. Yet it is the content of the message we need to be concerned about, not the manner of presentation.
I learned this aphorism from my book of aphorisms.
누워서 침 뱉기
nu.weo.seo chim baet.gi
lie-on-one’s-back-SO spit spit-PRES
“[One] spits while lying on one’s back.”
This is glossed as “to cut one’s nose to spite one’s face,” but I think a closer parallel is “pissing in the wind.”
Sometimes this happens. [daily log: walking, 6.5km]