This is an aphorism from my aphorism book.
취중에 진담 나온다
chwi.jung.e jin.dam na.on.da
drunkenness-OUTOF solemnity(truth) come-PRES
Truth comes out of a drunk man.
“Truth in wine.” This is such an important part of Korean culture, it would be difficult to overstate it, really. Several times a week one or another of my colleagues either expresses a need to get drunk or else suggests to me that doing so would solve some element of my own difficulties. When pressed, they always fall back on the concept expressed in this aphorism – that only by drinking can we express our true selves. This is because of the strength of the cultural repression in the society, I guess, that the only way to be honest with one another is through alcohol. Maybe there’s something to it – I don’t know. I don’t really judge it so negatively – I only know that I am, as I always have been, a melancholic drunk. For me, personally, a night of drinking inevitably ends in tears. Perhaps that is my core “honesty,” I don’t know. As a consequence, however, I don’t really feel that positive about it, though.
Meanwhile, I should report the results of my consult this morning. I saw both Dr Jo (radiation specialist / diagnostician) and Dr Ryu (oncologist). Dr Jo said the scans were clean, no tumors or lumps or bumps or badnesses. He did make the observation that there appeared to be “more damage and scarring” (from the radiation) in my mouth/throat than he expected. That could possibly explain some of the discomfort I continue experiencing. I talked with Dr Ryu about nerve damage and what’s called “neuropathological” pain – that is, the “ghost” pain from the cut nerves. Of course, it’s “normal” but that doesn’t really solve much. I suppose there is no solution, except to buckle down and cope.
Partly, I suppose my feeling, lately, is more of a psychological problem than a physical one. It seems that after having gone through all that, I should somehow be making more of this “new life” or “borrowed time” than I am. I nearly died. I came through it. Now, I just work and waste time… same as before. Shouldn’t I be doing some important or meaningful with this bonus round, having beat the odds, at least so far? The feeling of guilt – of “wasted chances” and blown opportunities – is very strong, these days.
Unlike my Korean friends, I don’t think a repression of self-honesty is my problem. So in alcohol there is only sorrow, not truth.
[daily log: walking, 10km]