I really miss eating spicy foods so much. And I have felt frustrated with the slow pace of my recovery. I think sparing spicy foods completely for so long has meant that I've lost my resistance, partly, so lately in an effort to somewhat "force" my recovery, I've been sprinkling a very light dose of red pepper on my food sometimes – trying to build up a resistance. Last month I made some pre-packaged instant curry and tried to eat it and it was a kind of painful disaster – even trying the "mildest" flavor available in the store. On Sunday, I did the same thing and it was tolerable. So that's a kind of food victory. If I can work up to the "medium" flavor of the packaged curries, I might brave a trip to my favorite Indian restaurant a block from here, and have "real" curry – as opposed to the rather lousy Korean-style you can get in the curries from the supermarket.
It's frustrating craving things you can't have.
Tomorrow morning, I go to the hospital for outpatient CT scan and such. I'll get injected, detected, inspected and hopefully rejected – to paraphrase and repurpose Arlo Guthrie's famous meditation on the draft.
It's a follow-up appointment, at the 4 month-iversary of the end of my radiation treatment. I'm past the bad cold I had for almost a month, and I've been feeling healthier, but I still have some weird paranoia about my overall health. I've always suffered from what I call meta-hypochondria – which is to say, I worry constantly that I'm sick in some way but then always and inevitably dismiss those worries as hypochondria. The problem is that sometimes those worries are in fact legitimate, such as my eventual cancer diagnosis last June. So meta-hypochondria is just as bad a condition as hypochondria, probably.
So I feel worried about what they might find. And then I feel dismissive about it. Or both, at the same time: cognitive dissonance. I guess we'll find out tomorrow.
Words for Korean Vocabulary
순한맛 = mild flavor
/ 순하다 = to be mild, to be bland, to be smooth, to be tame, to be docile
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
Good thoughts for the hospital visit tomorrow. I will visualize walking there with you! Still planning to come for visit in May or June, just to spend time with you and South Korea!