caveat: zap-o-matic number 25

monday morning!
im actually looking forward to radiation this morning. why, you might ask? a pattern has emerged the last two weeks where i actually feel worst on days without radiation. i hadnt anticipated this, but in thinking carefully about whats going on physiologically, it makes sense. the radiation is wrecking my immune system. most of my worst symptoms – the feverishness, pus and sores in my mouth, inability to swallow. . . are consequences of my immune system fighting back. so of course the days when i dont do the radiation are the worst – theyre when the symptoms really take off, as my immune system struggles to recover from the previous weeks blasting.
so i guess it wasnt a blessing, after all, that my birthday fell on a photon-free day: yesterday was easily the absolute worst since my days in the ICU. it was mostly a blurry alternation of sleeping, coughing, daydreaming about when this will be over, and crying from pain. i took some breaks from this compelling routine to take a short walk, surf the web listlessly, write a few messages and emails, and clean my kitchen sink.
im not whining – i hope people understand – merely reporting.
two more weeks. im no longer looking forward to the 5 day thanksgiving (추석 chuseok) weekend, as the above insight should explain. a highlight is that my stepmother wendy arrives wednesday. i regret i may be pretty poor company.
beautiful fall-ish morning, sunny but a hint of dry, siberian crispness.