the air is cool and fresh, a hint of autumn. perhaps one of the things i miss most about minnesota is the variety, changeabilty and unpredictability of the weather. korean weather is much less boring than in california, but its much more predictable than the midwest (by which i mean you could make weather forecasts using nothing but a gaze at the sky and the calendar). korea will never have an august day requiring a jacket, nor a september snowfall, nor shorts weather in january (all of which ive seen in minnesota).
that said, even if entirely foreseeable, the shift to cooler nights is welcome.
radiationwise, today is halfway: 15 out of 30.
last night, i felt morbid. yesterday, i was joking about the radiation with andrew: that we had gone to hongnong, hiked the mountain, taken a wrong trail and ended up along the high security fence in the shadow of the nuclear plants reactor dome. "i like the radiation so much i wanted to get a do-it-yourself bonus dose," i said. we laughed, while keeping eye out for mutant butterflies.
but in fact, im suffering deepy from the impinging awareness of the faustian nature of this undertakimg. ive lost all taste in my mouth – ALL. i had thought, before, that it was worse after the surgery, but at least i had some. this morning i had plain yogurt, some peach and some coffee, and they all tasted identical: taste of nothing. only the smells give them away.
the burning pain is always present, now. no breaks. my mouth is full of a vaguely bitter sputum that i constantly have the urge to spit, yet feels dry as a mouthful of dust, or like i have consumed dry, rusted marbles.
my mouth feels as if i have lain in a grave for a year. its long too dried out to be of any interest to worms or larvae. its a taste like death.
yes, i said the forbidden word: "death." i have known from the start. . . "side effects may include. . . death." it said it right in the form i signed. but last night i really FELT the truth of this for the first time. the visceral truth that this is a game against poison. this is not just medicine – it can kill me.
So sorry it is getting worse. It doesn’t help much to know what you were told in the beginning, it just sucks. Is Andrew going to stay until I get there? Your weekend adventure sounded great, but the aftermath might be telling you to slow down on the athletic adventures…or, you may ignore that and keep doing whatever you feel up to doing.
Several people, with whom I have shared some of your e-mails, have commented on your writing, and your “eruditeness”. Is that a word? Well written, excellent use of language, etc.
I heard a report on NPR yesterday about the Korean system of education, and the proliferation of hagyons. Not sure if I spelled that correctly. Will there be Mosquitos in Korea in Sept? I assume it will still be hot and humid and will be packing light. Let me know if there is anything I can bring over for/to you. Love, Wendy
Dude, if all you’ve been thru in your life hasn’t killed you, I sincerely doubt that the zap-o-matic will! But I don’t mean to belittle what you’re going thru–it sounds horrible, and I can see why it would cause you to think about death, even tho it’s meant to keep you alive. “Faustian” is a good word for the irony in that, I agree. It seems like the cumulative effects of the radiation treatments are presenting quite a challenge. It’s undoubtably good that you’re so active and healthy in every other way, tho I think you should give yourself a rest when you feel like you need it. Hang in there, and I hope your sense of taste comes back after all the zapping is done!
PS–have you ever read Faust II by Goethe? If so, what do you think of the ending? It’s been set to music by several prominent composers, which is the main reason I’m familiar with it. But it was quite controversial during Goethe’s lifetime because it seems so religious and somewhat out of place in the context of the rest of the work. Anyway, your reference to Faustian bargains called that to mind…