curt and i.
Day: July 3, 2013
I Love You All
No caveat, for this one.
July 3rd is Michelle’s birthday. I will celebrate the 4th in surgery I guess.
Here I go, soon. they said eight am. . . . maybe this is last post to blog for a while. see y’all later.
caveat: storm song
i awoke from a dream at 445 am.
im with a large group of people from all different parts of my life. we are driving aimlessly around new jersey. michelle and jeffrey and i used to do that. we are a large group, so there are several vehicles.
everyone is comparing musical compositions. its like surfing music on youtube. people keep looking, all of us, over and over, at the sky. a storm is coming. but some of the music is haunting. we drive to a place that is like back in time. one of my students says cryptically that it is as he suspected.
a tall, elegant dark haired woman is sitting in a 1930s era car, reading a book. she doesnt notice us. there is a meadow and a tiny stream and a picnic blanket but shes sitting in the car alone. i walk over.
when i reach the car the woman has disappeared like a ghost. my friend curt points to the sky. the storm, he says. but the music im hearing is too beautiful. i lie down on the ground in the shade beside the old car, listening to music i can neither recognize nor forget nor even describe.
i see my friend bob standing nearby. why is everyone looking at the sky? i ask. he says, the storm. who is making that song? i ask. he says, i thought that was yours.
i woke up choked up, like about to cry. after about ten minutes beginning to write this down, the nurse came in saying ah already awake in half english half korean. doing blood pressure check etc. the morning nurse is very cheerful.
caveat: positive thoughts have been emitted
ive had an on and off habit of practicing various sorts of affirmations for some years. sometimes the habit wanes. then some life event compels me to try again. like now.
right now im writing in my paper journal three types of affirmation. heres my list from this morning.
1. gratitude ( past ). i am thankful for all done by my friends, by family, and by strangers. im thankful for the worlds beauty that ive seen. im thankful to be in korea. im thankful for my students smiles and for my own mind.
2. the now ( present ). i am learning korean. i am a successful teacher. i am in the process of getting healthier. i am strong and courageous. pain is nothing.
3. intention ( future ). i will keep learning korean. i will earn the love and respect of my students and teachers. i will help people. i will thank and compliment my friends and family.
caveat: last supper of korean hospital food
i ate everything but the kimchi (too spicy for the wound in my mouth). fish, pickled greens, tofu with soy dressing and slivers of vegetables, rice, some kind of earthy tea, and front center a diverse mushroom soup. koreans have a wide variety of various fungus they eat. the food was good.
[sent from samsung galaxy tab.]
caveat: the gory details
im going to be going into some frank an gory details, now. . . stop reading immediately if youre prone to sqeamishness or despair.
the tumor is at the root of my tongue. to take it out, they have to somehow cut out a major portion of the root but salvage the functionality of the rest.
the surgery will be in two parts. . take it apart then put it back together. the first excision part is about two hours with my oncologist dr ryu, and the second part is five hours with reconstruction specialist dr jung.
its not simple or risk free, and ive had frank discussions with the doctors about percentages but im not going to mention them here. what i will say here is. . . im not finished being a teacher and im not finished on planet earth, ergo i need my voice (tongue) and i need my life.
the reconstructive part of the surgery is complicated. they need to replace arteries and veins. fortunately, apparently my body has spares. they have selected my right forearm to be the donor. thats the picture that ive attached below . . . dr jung drew a map of some solid prospects. they will take them out and use them to reattach my tongue. this is called flap surgery or another greek name i didnt quite catch.
after surgery i will be in icu for two days . . they have to monitor very closely for any possibe necrosis (a sign the reattached vessels are not working and cells arent getting blood) and race back for another try at reconstruction in the event of a problem.
the following several weeks are still critical so i will remain in hospital. but recovery of full tongue function is a matter of months or even years. if i remain a speaking teacher, i may be a quiet one with an impediment.
and only after im recovered from the surgery and past any danger of a need for additional surgeries can i begin phase two. . . radiation. thats because the chance of remaining metastasized cells with this type of cancer is way too high to just rely on hacking out the visible tumor and calling it a day.
im not certain of the schedule tomorrow but it will start early thurs korean time. i doubt i will post much the first day or two after but who knows. . . im finding a strong solace in blogging the minutiae of this experience, as it serves as a bond of unity with my globally distributed core community of friends and family. so that being the case i may reach for this phone in my first lucid moment.
ill try to get to a few more thoughts tonight.
[sent from samsung galaxy tab.]
caveat: positrons have been emitted
i didnt look this up recently, so im going on what i recall about it.
they added some radioactive stuff to my blood. then i waited an hour while it got evenly distributed through my body. then they put me in a big detector machine.
a positron was emitted. the machine recorded on a three dimensional map where that happened. this is repeated maybe a billion times (am i even close on order of magnitude? i have no idea). because the blood is where the radioactivity is, they can create a kind of three dimensional movie of where my blood is going. blood goes places where things are happening. its fuel. so cancer is a thing that is happening. they can kind of find it this way.
now ive been fasting almost 24 hours. i hope they bring some food.