[This is a “back-post”; it is a work-in-progress, so it may change partially or completely, with materials added or taken away, over the next several days or weeks. This is “day 4(b)” of my stay at the Vipassana Meditation retreat. For general comments and summary, see “day 11.”]
“Adhitthana” means “strong determination.”
Today, we have been told that we should be “sitting with strong determination,” which means sitting still: not changing position, not changing posture, not opening up hands.
Why is this? I understand it. It’s discipline. But it’s very difficult. The first time I try it, I struggle so much with the pain and ache in my legs and back, that I’m not really doing any kind of meditation of any kind. Just sitting, with strong determination.
The second time goes better. I spend some time on anapana – observing the respiration on my upper lip. Observing.
Observing.
Pain in my legs, but not unbearable. Cross-legged, sitting.
There’s a kind of exhilaration when the hour finishes. I feel accomplishment. Not sure that’s the objective. But by the end of the hour of sitting perfectly still, I also feel these weird spots of “non-sensation” in parts of my body: mostly in the hands and arms. It’s not numbness, but there’s nothing to feel, so it’s like a hole in the self-body-map. All it takes is slight flexing of the muscles in the hand, and it feels perfectly normal. So strange.
