Caveat: Monday, 6 AM

Friday, 10:45 pm.  I'm finished with work.  I have about 250 papers I should correct this weekend.  I'm exhausted by the long week, feeling overwhelmed.

Saturday, 10:30 am.  I slept restlessly.  I still have 250 papers I should correct.  I call my friend Curt and tell him I don't want to meet, I'm tired.  My stomach hurts.  So, I read a book, but I'm feeling depressed.

Saturday, 1 pm.  I finally begin to correct some papers.

Saturday, 2:50 pm.  I get a text message from my boss on my cellphone–he tells me I should enjoy the day.  What the hell does this mean?  I now have about 230 papers I should correct.  I'm working too slowly.  I'm feeling discouraged.

Saturday, 7 pm.  I lost momentum completely, earlier.  I can't concentrate.  I spend more time feeling angry about my situation than I do correcting papers.  What's wrong with me?  I'm a failure.

Sunday, 3 am.  I can't sleep.  I'm restless.  Angry. I try to correct some papers, but I still can't focus.

Sunday, 11 am.  I finally focus, and begin to seriously correct some papers.  But I'm just TOO SLOW.  I'm still only managing maybe 10 in an hour.  My mind wanders. 

Sunday, 1 pm.  I go into Seoul and spend some time at the bookstore.  But then I decide I shouldn't buy any book–what's the point?  When am I going to find time to read an interesting book?  I should be correcting papers.  Why can't I just correct these damn papers?!  I still have 190 papers to correct.

Sunday, 6 pm.  I have definitely made some progress correcting papers.  I'm down to around 160.  I do some more on the subway, coming home.  But I'm thinking to myself, what a horrible weekend.  And it's my own fault–if I would quit worrying about all these papers to correct, and just DO IT, I wouldn't be so unhappy, would I?  I'm a failure.  I just can't handle this kind of work hanging over me.  It stresses me out and makes me anxious and miserable and angry and depressed and resentful.  I feel like I'm going to quit my damn job–which will only make me feel more of all those things.

Monday, 6 am.  I can't sleep.  I just corrected exactly 5 more papers.  Now I'm down to… let me see, about 140 left to correct?  This is wrong.  I won't make any deadlines, this way.    I feel so GUILTY.   Last week, I handed over more than half my correcting load to Sarah, and here I am, fucking up and not managing to complete the half I kept.   So I'm sure it's wrong to want to hand over more.  What it comes down to, is that I'm just a lousy teacher.  I might be doing fine in the classroom, but I'm incapable of managing my time appropriately to get all this correcting done.  The irony is that a year ago at this time, I was all stressed out because I was worried I was doing badly in the classroom.  Now, I look back on those times with nostalgia.   This inability of mine to deal well with the stress of "homework" goes back a long way.  I failed to finish my Ph.D. because of it.  I can often do pretty well with situations where I have to show up on a regular schedule and get work done.  My years at ARAMARK proved that.  But if I get into a situation where I have work "hanging over me"–unfinished work that I carry around with me and that I feel guilty about not getting done–that seems to eat away very quickly at my soul.   And it leaves me a hypocrite, beside:  what right do I have to demand of my students that they complete their work in a timely manner, when I can't do so myself?  Being a hypocrite doesn't sit well with me.  Not well at all.

Monday, 7:15 am.  So much for "Zen with a Red Pen."  Eh?

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