Friday, 10:45 pm. I'm finished with work. I have about 250 papers I should correct this weekend. I'm exhausted by the long week, feeling overwhelmed.
Saturday, 10:30 am. I slept restlessly. I still have 250 papers I should correct. I call my friend Curt and tell him I don't want to meet, I'm tired. My stomach hurts. So, I read a book, but I'm feeling depressed.
Saturday, 1 pm. I finally begin to correct some papers.
Saturday, 2:50 pm. I get a text message from my boss on my cellphone–he tells me I should enjoy the day. What the hell does this mean? I now have about 230 papers I should correct. I'm working too slowly. I'm feeling discouraged.
Saturday, 7 pm. I lost momentum completely, earlier. I can't concentrate. I spend more time feeling angry about my situation than I do correcting papers. What's wrong with me? I'm a failure.
Sunday, 3 am. I can't sleep. I'm restless. Angry. I try to correct some papers, but I still can't focus.
Sunday, 11 am. I finally focus, and begin to seriously correct some papers. But I'm just TOO SLOW. I'm still only managing maybe 10 in an hour. My mind wanders.
Sunday, 1 pm. I go into Seoul and spend some time at the bookstore. But then I decide I shouldn't buy any book–what's the point? When am I going to find time to read an interesting book? I should be correcting papers. Why can't I just correct these damn papers?! I still have 190 papers to correct.
Sunday, 6 pm. I have definitely made some progress correcting papers. I'm down to around 160. I do some more on the subway, coming home. But I'm thinking to myself, what a horrible weekend. And it's my own fault–if I would quit worrying about all these papers to correct, and just DO IT, I wouldn't be so unhappy, would I? I'm a failure. I just can't handle this kind of work hanging over me. It stresses me out and makes me anxious and miserable and angry and depressed and resentful. I feel like I'm going to quit my damn job–which will only make me feel more of all those things.
Monday, 6 am. I can't sleep. I just corrected exactly 5 more papers. Now I'm down to… let me see, about 140 left to correct? This is wrong. I won't make any deadlines, this way. I feel so GUILTY. Last week, I handed over more than half my correcting load to Sarah, and here I am, fucking up and not managing to complete the half I kept. So I'm sure it's wrong to want to hand over more. What it comes down to, is that I'm just a lousy teacher. I might be doing fine in the classroom, but I'm incapable of managing my time appropriately to get all this correcting done. The irony is that a year ago at this time, I was all stressed out because I was worried I was doing badly in the classroom. Now, I look back on those times with nostalgia. This inability of mine to deal well with the stress of "homework" goes back a long way. I failed to finish my Ph.D. because of it. I can often do pretty well with situations where I have to show up on a regular schedule and get work done. My years at ARAMARK proved that. But if I get into a situation where I have work "hanging over me"–unfinished work that I carry around with me and that I feel guilty about not getting done–that seems to eat away very quickly at my soul. And it leaves me a hypocrite, beside: what right do I have to demand of my students that they complete their work in a timely manner, when I can't do so myself? Being a hypocrite doesn't sit well with me. Not well at all.
Monday, 7:15 am. So much for "Zen with a Red Pen." Eh?