I know that lately, I have had a shorter temper than usual, and that I haven't been doing well with managing conflicts at work. Last week I had kind of lost my temper with someone with whom I normally get along fine, because I was angry about something else. This pattern has been happening a lot, though I'm pretty confident it doesn't carry into my classroom conduct.
Nevertheless, it's made for some tension in the staff room, and today I had the impression I was confronted about it. I say that I had the impression because with meetings in Korea you never really know what the main purpose is – was my conduct something that came up incidental to other things discussed, or was my conduct the main reason for a meeting where other things were discussed the majority of the time? One never knows.
Regardless, I can only acknowledge my mistake and apologize. Unfortunately, I'm not even sure what's going on, except to say that on the one hand, I've been depressed and that surely affects how I behave, while on the other hand it seems that communication downward to me as staff, especially at the middle-school level, has been even worse than the usual bad that is typical of Korea.
What to say? I'm miserable and everyone can tell, I guess.
What are my options? The Korean approach is to say: cheer up. This is in the command form – which is to say, just do it. The Jared approach is to quit and do something else, but my recent cancer and health issues mean I don't have the freedom of movement that I used to have. I am "married" to the Korean healthcare system, now, for better or for worse, and because of that, I am "married," too, to my job.
Curt says I need to deal with my stress better. He's right, of course.
I have been having problems with my old bicycling crash injury with my foot (when I shattered my 2nd metatarsil bone in 1993 using the perfect combination of exceptional velocity on Bloomington Avenue in Minneapolis, with an open manhole and my bike). This pain flares up every several years (last time was summer of 2012) like a kind of proto-arthritis in my right foot. The consequence is that one of the few things I do to work off stress – take long walks – isn't working as well lately. I'm still walking to work and home every day, but it goes slower, and I feel less motivation to go out exploring on weekends or in the morning.
There have been times since the cancer surgery when I have wondered if it was even worth it. This is one of them.
[daily log: walking, 5 km]