I feel as if I am counting down to something. But I really am only counting down to the past. There is nothing specific ahead, except "continue living." I feel as if I have abrogated all those sweeping "bucket list" goals I spent so much time outlining and meditating on during the depths of my illness last summer, and now there is only each day.
This isn't completely bad, of course. It's good to live "in the moment," as they say. I need those sweeping goals, though – otherwise, the aimlessness of life underwhelms me and leaves me feeling purposeless.
I am neglecting the social stuff – work is highly social, of course, and my schedule is very, very busy these days. Consequently, when I'm not at work I have no desire for human contact or interaction. I ignore the "social media" with the exception of this odd, one-way communication that is my blog. That's ok, I guess, but I know some of my friends and acquaintances become annoyed. If so… I'm sorry.
And… today was a really depressing day. Was it depressing because I was already depressed, and thus I only saw the bad parts? Or was it objectively depressing? I had a completely new schedule – meaning unfamiliar classes (although I know almost all the students well enough). I was inadequately prepared. I have huge pile of correcting and grading and evaluations hanging over me… undone. At the end, it was capped off by some unwanted, negative feedback conveyed from parents. Stupid complaints: the typical stuff, parents who think they know English better than the teacher and want to second guess what teachers say, or how they correct their students' work, or whatever. I have no time for that crap.
Without a doubt, I'm depressed, lately. Am I more depressed than I was last May, when I was sick with cancer and didn't know it, and when I was in constant pain and dissatisfied with work? Hm… I'm now recovering from cancer, rather than unknowingly sick with it. But I still have constant pain, I'm still dissatisfied with work, and now I have my new food miseries as well as the gloom of my mortality hanging over me more prominently than ever.
Overall quality of life? 30%. Has it been worse? Yes. Has it been better? Yes.
What I'm listening to right now.
Digable Planets, "Graffiti feat. Jeru The Damaja."
[daily log: walking, 5 km]