I've been pretty depressed lately. The never-ending cold [update: by "cold" I mean the flu-like symptoms, not the outdoor temperature, which doesn't bother me in the least] on the one hand, combined with the PTSD-like experience of emerging from the cancer treatment, on the other hand, has lead me into a slough of despond. Layered on top of that is the fact that the same frustrations as I've always had with respect to work continue unabated despite my renewed commitment.
I can't maintain the somewhat artificially enforced optimism of the crisis period, and I feel frustrated with the quality-of-life issues, post-treatment. Things that I enjoyed and took for granted seems sabotaged or inaccessible: food, an ability to talk unceasingly, etc.
I don't have any easy solution. And so… I have been meditating overmuch of my mortality. Here is something I ran across the other day – a sort of interactive chart about the survival rates for various cancers.
You can hover over the body part in question, and see what it is. The pie charts show survival rates, with wine-dark slices representing 5 year mortality rates. For oral cancer, the rate appears to be around 40%. That matches another source, which puts 5 year survival for my type of cancer at 59%. At the moment, I seem to be beating the odds. Yet I can't help feeling frustrated and bitter – at this quality-of-life, is it worth it?
[daily log: walking, 5 km]
I’ve been thinking about this chart. The one thing it doesn’t seem to account for is age. I’ve heard doctors say that if you get old enough, sooner or later you’ll get cancer. So how many of these cancer death rates are about 80 year old who got cancer and didn’t have 5 more years to live anyway before something else gave out? I think your chances are better with any cancer must be better if you’re younger.