Caveat: Doodles at Dawn

Last night we had a sort of less-formal-than-usual 회식 (hoesik = work-related meal/meeting event).

I genuinely like my coworkers, but even when it's clear they like and respect me, too, I never feel like I can settle into my "real self" at these kinds of things. It's complicated – everything about me is so "constructed" – so "intentional." Who am I, really? It's hard even to decide what kind of person I'm trying to be, much less to be that person consistently while drinking alcohol. I feel like I stick with that "quiet observer of my fellow humanity" role, but it no doubt disconcerts people: my failure to speak too much, my failure to become raucous or candid. And inside, I'm just a little bit lonely, and a little bit confused, and frustrated with my many shortcomings, and second-guessing each utterance, as I always have. As I always have.

I got home late. Or early. 4 am. I tried to sleep. I work up. I drew something, as if it had come to me in a dream, but without that actually being the case. I slept some more.

Doh 002

Caveat: This

What is This?

Mud-ox from the bottom of the ocean running away, holding the moon in his mouth;
Stone-tiger in front of boulder is sleeping, holding a baby in his arm;

Iron-snake is passing through Diamond-ball;
Mount-Sumeru riding on elephant's back, being pulled by the sparrow.

– Shin, Myo Vong, Cookies of Zen, p 175.