Most of what happens in facebook, in my opinion, is simply a re-imagining of various aspects of how humans have always organized their social lives. Perhaps it makes things a little more "transparent," but it's hardly as revolutionary as people make claims for. However, I've recently experienced something that I'm having trouble reconciling with "real world" parallels: I've been unfriended.
It doesn't mean much if someone who is strictly an "internet friend" unfriends you. It's just an ending of the relationship, such as it was, on the same terms as it started. But most of my facebook friends are "real world" friends. Maybe not people I've seen much, in the last decade or two, but still people I can say that at some point in my past (recent or remote), I had a real, interactive, face-to-face friendship with – however brief. What does it mean when such a person unfriends me?
It's a little bit odd, because I don't always notice right away – it's not like facebook gives you a little message that says "So-and-so doesn't like you anymore." The three cases where I'm aware of having been unfriended, I became aware because people I thought were already my "friends" have suddenly started appearing in my "recommended friends" listing. I will say to myself: hmm, that's confusing. But sure enough, if I go look, they're not my friend anymore.
What's the etiquette, here? Maybe a short return message, "It was good while it lasted. Have a nice life." Maybe they were annoyed with my blog posts, or my rants, or my metanegativity. But I have facebook friends whose posts I find annoying – I just block their posts from my "news feed" – it seems more polite than unfriending. Unfriending sends a definite message.
Here's the metaphor I've developed. Blocking the news feed of a facebook friend is like throwing away unanswered letters, in pre-internet parlance. Or ignoring phone messages. We all do this – whether short-term or indefinitely – with people we feel we've grown apart from or struggle to communicate with. But unfriending is a bit like taking a picture of yourself throwing away an unanswered letter, or ignoring a phone message, and then publishing that picture in a newspaper, which the person who was trying to communicate may or may not notice. Subtle.
It might be an interesting exercise to maintain a published list of unfriends, just for entertainment purposes. But, although entertaining, that would be to dwell on the negative, which is something I keep reminding myself is better to avoid.
Is this meant to be a rant? Not really. I can see that maintaining facebook "friendships" with people you no longer feel a connection with, for whatever reason, as leading to a sort of "cluttered" feeling. Better to sweep out the cupboards, periodically. Maybe there should be some kind of etiquette for unfriending – a sort of dialogue: "So-and-so would like to end the friendship. OK?" If you say OK, then you acknowledge, and no hard feelings. That's more how real friendship works, and then fails – there's some back and forth, as it comes to a close.