I think one reason I don't always enjoy hanging out with "fellow foreigners," in my current life, is because of the unshakable feeling that I'm "in the closet." In the closet about what? In the closet about really liking Korea. Most of the time, in my experience, groups of foreigners hanging out in Korea devolve into complainfests, during which nothing more is uttered than unending condemnations of some abstract Korean "way of doing things" and gross negative cultural stereotyping.
For me, it's all-too-easy to fall in with this style of talking and thinking, too. Of course there are things that are frustrating or annoying about my life here. But my perspective is that American ways of doing things, or Mexican ways of doing things (to name the two cultures which are most familiar to me, outside of the Korean one), are just as annoying or frustrating, and in some instances more so, in their own divergent ways.
My problem is that as a sort of social chameleon, I just go along with it. All the complaining is compelling. But then I regret having done so later. Negativity is kind of like alcoholism or something – you know it's bad, but social pressure drives you to drink, anyway, and then you regret it later.
When I try to buck this complaining-about-Korea trend – when I try to say something that focuses on the positive or points out the shortcomings of other cultures vis-a-vis the standards they're failing to enunciate – I end up feeling like a gay person in crowd of polite homophobes, or an agnostic at a Florida church meeting: there's no open vitriol, but there's a sort of "uh oh, what's wrong with this guy?" with lots shaking of heads and snarky asides, as the other foreigners I'm hanging out with come to the realization they're in the company of a closet Koreanophile.
Hanging out with Koreans has drawbacks too – not least is that I tend to miss the ability to have deep, intellectual converstations, due to the generally lacking language proficiency. But the negativity trap (and I'm openly admitting that I fall far too easily into this trap myself – it's not like I'm trying to blame others for my problem) is a dangerous one, for me. I need to stay out of it.
[a reader emailed this comment to me – it’s worth making sure it’s “in the record”]
Well, what I was basically going to say was that we are all at differing places along the same road and all come from different backgrounds, experiences, work environments, etc. Some of us have adjusted well, some, perhaps not so well. As a former production and HR supervisor, I have come to understand there can be value to negativity, such as, it can present the opportunity to help clarify issues some may have, a chance to offer and receive solutions to problems, vent, etc. In our community, I do not think there’s anyone here that is a racist and totally hates Korea and Koreans, but I believe a lot of it is due mainly to frustration, which is normal. We are all here for various reasons, some have come here grudgingly, for mainly financial reasons. Others have perhaps because of insecurity back home, found their niche here in Korea as a teacher, and like “being different”. While most others are somewhere in the middle. Even so, being far from home, being exposed to a completely diiferent culture/language is at times not the most comfortable of environment. I think we should all realize that and be in support of one another. Yes, there are those who bad-mouth Korea and everything about it, and ok, you listen and interject your thoughts–perhaps that could spark a change in their attitudes. At the other extreme you have the “lifers”, those that have found their place here, totally embrace everything and seem to come off as this place is heaven. Neither of those extremes are entirely true. One thing we should learn from Korean culture is that to styful (I know sorry for the spelling) communication for whatever reason is a negative unto itself, and instead of running away from possible conflict we should stand up and express our opinions, not in a belligerent way, but always constructively. You never know– your one response might just sink in and create a change in another’s attitude. I personally like our meetings, not the bashing per se, but the opportunity to hear others in like position, sometimes it helps remind me that I don’t have it so bad, or a kind of well, they’re going through the same bs as me– a kind of misery loves company. When I hear how some people say, “I’m not going there because of the negativity”, I have to laugh, if you think that way and can’t empathize and try to perhaps change others opinions and offer support (not supporting that persons negative thoughts, but that you’re there to listen, offer opinions and ideas), then well, isn’t that a negative act unto itself? Just my opinion– thanks, Jared for the opportunity to express it! 🙂